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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27875626">FINDING HOME</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cooloddball/pseuds/cooloddball'>cooloddball</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Businessman Castiel, Developing Relationship, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, Emotionally Hurt Dean, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Mechanical Engineer Dean Winchester, Murder, Nurturing Dean Winchester, Past Rape/Non-con, Photographer Castiel, Physical Abuse, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Smut, family business</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 14:35:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>130,167</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27875626</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cooloddball/pseuds/cooloddball</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When you have been married for seven years but have known each other for twenty three years, there’s bound to be a juicy story or two about your relationship. Dean and Castiel are the perfect rich, gay couple and dads to an adorable five year old boy, Jack.  Every couple wants what they have, every parent wants to be like them, but is everything as perfect as it seems or are there skeletons in their closet? Yes they do and it's pretty dark in that closet.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Others - Relationship, Dean Winchester/Other(s), Sam/Eileen (background)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>93</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thank you to my beta to my amazing <a>geewobbles</a> for your input and feedback.<br/>Any errors are my own.</p><p>*<strong>New Chapters will be posted every Sunday.</strong></p><p>*<strong>Also, please do not translate this work and/or post it to other sites.</strong></p><p>*Please, sound off in the comments or on <a>Tumblr.</a></p><p>Thanks in advance for reading, I hope you enjoy :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>(Present Day, Connecticut, New York)</strong>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else.”- Jean Kerr</strong> </em>
</p><p>The cool evening air blew gently into the expanse of the lounge area where everyone sat chatting away freely. The party was over and only a cluster of their closest friends and their children remained. Dean sat on the love seat with Charlie Bradbury, one of his best friends. Castiel was his best friend in the whole world and even then, Castiel had been reluctant to share Dean’s affection. It had taken Dean a whole month to bribe Castiel with the promise of buying him a small farm to keep bees and maybe a guinea pig so he could spend time with Charlie. Dean knew it was all in good humour though, and that Castiel was not jealous whatsoever because Charlie adored Castiel. But Dean loved to indulge Castiel's needy side.</p><p>Castiel was pouring another glass of his favourite chardonnay from<em> Secret Wine Cellar</em>, a small family owned wine business with the best chardonnay he had ever had. It could’ve been his, but he had had other plans for his life. He walked to where everyone was seated; Dean, Charlie, Sam, Eileen, Bobby, Jack, Balthazar and Jody. It had been an eventful day celebrating his and Dean’s sixth anniversary. It was surreal to say the least.</p><p>“Speech! Speech!” Charlie chanted as Castiel walked into the room to join his family. Castiel rolled his eyes knowing well that Dean had put Charlie up to it.</p><p>“Speech, Cassie,” Balthazar reiterated and soon everyone was chanting “Speech! Speech!” to Castiel’s utter dismay. He did not like talking much, unlike Dean, but he could not be an inhospitable host now could he? He chugged his wine and gave Dean a <em>‘I will get back at you’</em> look to which Dean smirked.</p><p>“We are going to need champagne to celebrate,” Dean chimed in as Castiel walked to the middle of the room and looked around. He had an amazing husband. Dean, who was gorgeous as ever, was wearing a beige linen suit, his jacket strewn over the back of the love seat that he shared with Charlie, his white shirt rolled at the sleeves and the first two buttons open. Castiel could see a sliver of skin and a few newly formed freckles from Dean staying shirtless in the sun. Dean smirked at him and Castiel gave him a small smile as their au pair, Jessica, brought the champagne in and started pouring it into tulip glasses and passed them out to everyone.</p><p>Castiel adjusted the blue jacket of his linen suit, cleared his throat and began. “As many of you know, I'm not a man of many words,” this was met with a few mumbles in agreement, and Dean nodded his head. Castiel smiled and continued, “ However, I will say this. Dean, I feel like I have known you all my life because frankly, my life began making sense, and I began to truly live a life worth living when you walked into my life. You know, ever since I met you, ever since I saved you from <em>imminent death</em> in that vineyard all those years ago, things just started falling into place. And now we have this beautiful family here with us. We have one adorable baby boy together, and I get to wake up next to you every morning. I couldn’t have asked for a better life.” A few awws resounded in the room but Castiel continued, “We have been through much together, you and I, but I know and have always known that no matter what, we would always find our way back to each other. I love you. And I love all of you for your love and support.”</p><p>As soon as Castiel was finished giving his heartfelt speech, there was an applause in the room and a “to Dean and Cas” “Here! Here! Salut!”. Castiel glanced over at Dean who had a tear running down his right eye. The infamous single man tear as Sam referred to it.</p><p>Castiel then went to sit down next to Bobby who gave him a pat on the back.</p><p>“Dean, it’s your turn now,” Sam said as Charlie nudged him.</p><p>“Okay, alright, alright,” Dean said as he stood from his seat and walked to where Castiel had been standing just a few moments ago. Everyone was looking at him expectantly. Honestly, he didn’t know what to say after what Castiel had just said about him and to their family. It was all too much but the expectant looks in all their eyes made him realize that he needed to do it.</p><p>“I...uhh..hmm...I don’t know what to say. Cas, baby, you floored me with that speech. What I’m I supposed to say after that? Whew!” he cleared his throat and continued. “All I can say is this, you, Cas, you saved me too but not from imminent death as you so dramatically put it, you just walked me back to the chateau after blackmailing me to have a drink with you," Dean reprimanded, making everyone laugh. Castiel shook his head in disagreement but winked at Dean all the same. Dean continued, "You saved me from myself and never gave up on me, not once, not even when I pushed you away, not even when I was too ugly and broken to love. You loved me anyway. I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve you, but all I know is that you are my guardian angel. If I didn’t know any better, I would think you were literally an angel sent to save me. Thank you for loving me and for giving me, us, the most amazing baby boy, Jack. I'm glad that you are ours because the love that your dad and I share lives through you. Thank you everyone for coming, too. We couldn’t have done this without you. And, drink until you drop. To Cas!” Dean finished raising his glass.</p><p>“To Cas” everyone responded in gusto as they raised their glasses and then sipped their champagne.</p><p>“And to you both,” Bobby said, raising his glass. Everyone repeated after him as they raised their glasses and took more sips of the bubbly.</p><p>“Papa, tell them that story,” Jack’s small voice came from where Eileen was holding him on her lap. His blue eyes looked up expectantly at Dean.</p><p>“What story, buddy?” Dean asked, walking over to Jack .</p><p>“The story about how you and dad met,” Jack said fiddling with his little bowtie.</p><p>“Yes Dean, we want to hear it,” Balthazar said. “And don’t leave out all the dirty details.”</p><p>“Jesus, Zar, can you ever not be pervy for one minute?” Charlie asked with a smirk. Balthazar gasped dramatically, acting scandalized and mouthed, "never," to Charlie. They both chuckled.</p><p>Castiel and Bobby shook their heads while Sam gave a shy smile and looked at Dean who was turning red.</p><p>“It’s getting late, young man. You need to get to bed,” Castiel came to Dean’s rescue.</p><p>“Please, dad. Pretty please. Papa tells me that story every night, and now I want everybody to know how much he loves you,” Jack said, his blue orbs looking pleadingly at Cas.</p><p>“Okay, buddy. I will tell them the story but first, we have to get you to bed and I will tell you the story before I tuck you in. Deal?” Dean asked, scooping the five year old up and kissing his cheek.</p><p>“Okay, papa. No lies.”</p><p>“You know I never lie to you buddy. Let’s go,” Dean said.</p><p> </p><p>Dean helped Jack say goodnight to everyone and then he carried him upstairs to his bedroom and prepared him for bed. Jack always liked having Dean tuck him in every night. At first it irked Castiel, but then he realized that Jack needed him for other things. When he had nightmares or scraped his knee, he always sought out dad - Castiel. However, for adventures and playtime, he always sought out papa - Dean. This dynamic worked for them since they both knew their roles. What mattered was that they were always there when he needed them.</p><p>“Am I old enough to hear this story?” Charlie teased, scrunching her nose with the implication that it was gross making everyone laugh.</p><p>“You’re old, alright,” Castiel smirked and winked at Charlie. Everybody laughed.</p><p>“We all are,”Jody snorted and the room erupted in laughter again.</p><p>“I’ll drink to that, “ Bobby said, taking a sip of his champagne and everyone joined in.</p><p>“Let me go check up on those chaotic boys up there. Who knows what they’re up to,” Castiel said, standing up after everyone had calmed down from the small comedy session. He walked up the flight of stairs but stopped a few steps in, turned to their guests and said, “we’ll be back shortly, just keep the party going.”</p><p>Dean didn't even get to finish the story about how he and Castiel had met and fallen in love, which he had told Jack almost every night for two years. Of course he embellished slightly, and sometimes the details did not match, but Jack didn’t seem to mind. He was always happy to hear it for some reason. He even once said he hoped that someday he would meet a prince or princess and fall in love with them. That he would love them as much as his papa loved his dad.</p><p>Castiel walked into Jack’s bedroom and watched as Dean tucked Jack in.</p><p>“It is moments like these that I'm most grateful for,” Castiel said as he hugged Dean from behind when he stood up from where he was hunched over tucking Jack in. He rested his chin on Dean’s shoulder and held him tightly as they watched Jack’s small body move up and down, his long lashes fluttering on his rosy chubby cheeks and a mop of blonde hair covering the right side of his temple.</p><p>“He looks so much like you,” Dean said as he watched Jack with a fond smile.</p><p>“Yeah? To me he looks so much like you, too. He also looks so much like Kelly,” Castiel added never taking his eyes off Jack.</p><p>“Yeah. This is all I have ever wanted. You and Jack - happy and content.”</p><p>“I know, Dean. And you have us. We are all happy and content to be with you too.”</p><p>Dean let out a sigh and Castiel let go of him. They both gave Jack a kiss on either side of his face and instead of leaving his room, they stood there watching him as Dean's hand snaked around Castiel's waist, and Castiel laid his head on Dean's shoulder.</p><p>“We should go. We have a story to tell our friends and family,” Castiel said with a smile on his face.</p><p>“Do we have to?” Dean asked begrudgingly. “I feel like I'm the villain in this story. I don’t want to tell it.”</p><p>“Villain? You are the hero, the star of the story. The knight that saved the damsel in distress,” Castiel said attempting humor.</p><p>“Oh really? You’re a damsel, huh?”</p><p>“Well, when it comes to you I can be anything you want,” Castiel said seductively, looking up to face Dean. Love-filled azure orbs met equally love-filled hazel orbs and they smiled at each other. Dean held Castiel in an embrace, their faces an inch apart with no regard for personal space whatsoever.</p><p>“Anything?” Dean asked, his voice getting deeper with want. His breath was beginning to quicken, and the room was getting a bit too hot. Castiel’s eyes appeared dark in the soft glow of Jack’s room looking lovingly into his.</p><p>“Anything,” Castiel responded as they sealed their lips together. It was one of those soft kisses full of love. Castiel was the first to pull away, albeit unwillingly, and hugged Dean who in turn held him so tightly as if holding on for dear life.</p><p>“I love you, Cas.”</p><p>“I love you too, Dean. Can we go downstairs now?”</p><p>“Just give me a few more minutes of this and we can go,” Dean said holding Castiel tightly, kissing his face gently.</p><p>After a few minutes and a lot of hugs and kisses later, they went downstairs to rejoin the rest of their family.</p><p>Charlie had moved to sit between Jody and Bobby which meant the love seat was vacant. Castiel helped Dean move it to the center of the room so everyone had a good view of them. It was ten at night and their story wasn’t exactly a happy or short one.</p><p>“I don’t think we should tell that story,” Dean protested again.</p><p>“It’s been two decades, Dean. I think we should. Besides, you promised Jack,” Castiel said and everyone agreed in unison.</p><p>“Okay, but will you help me tell it?” Dean asked, hopefully.</p><p>“Of course. Anything, remember?” Dean nodded and gave Castiel a quick kiss on the cheek. Castiel held Dean’s hand on his thigh as Dean cleared his throat to begin.</p><p>“Disclaimer, we are going to need alcohol for this is neither a short story nor a happy one, but it is our story. This is not a love story but a story of two people who have been through a lot together and sometimes apart against all odds. All of you here and others not here are in it but you do not know the half of it. This is the story of our life. Our story. I'm only doing this for Jack’s sake," Dean paused and let out a long breath. "So, here goes nothing,” Dean began as Castiel held his hand ready for a ride of almost two decades worth of memories.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dean meets a blue eyed dark haired stranger 22 years ago while lost in a vineyard in Jura, France. Who is this mysterious stranger? Dean finds himself wondering. He really wants to know.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I will post chapter 3 tomorrow as a gift to celebrate the jenmish 11th anniversary.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>(Twenty Two Years Ago, Jura, France )</strong>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>“Ignorance killed the cat; curiosity was framed!”- C.J. Cherryh</strong> </em>
</p><p>It was one of those hot summer days where the heat seemed to boil your blood and the wind decided to take a vacation. Dean’s shirt clung to his body, and he wished instead of jeans he could’ve worn shorts. However, he hated shorts, so he sucked it up and let his legs boil in the summer heat of the jeans he wore. The fact that the cab did not have a working AC was also <em>marvelous</em> and being stuck between Lee and Gordon was not helping the situation either.</p><p>“<em>Jesus</em>, Gordon, why are you taking us to the countryside, again?” Lee asked, trying to get his head out of the window to catch some fresh air.</p><p>“Wine!” Gordon shouted irritated while glaring at Lee. “I mean if you didn’t want to come you could’ve just stayed in Paris with the girls. It’s always about the women with you, Lee. Always about the women.”</p><p>“Well at least I don’t pretend to have a higher moral ground and respect for women. You know they ask for it don’t you?”</p><p>“That is not the point. The point is, women want to be treated right not just like...like…,”</p><p>“Whores?” Lee finished for him.</p><p>“Like just sex objects. Can you not…” Gordon tried again.</p><p>“Listen guys, I know it’s crammed in here and it’s hot as hell but can you shut the hell up. Lee if you didn’t want to come, you should’ve stayed back. Stop whining,” Dean said matter-of-factly, trying to adjust his sitting position but there was no room.</p><p>“Thank you,” Gordon said, smiling at Dean and looking over at Lee and giving him a death glare.</p><p>“A good thank you would have included you getting us better transport. What even is this?” Dean asked. He was not angry at Gordon but he thought he was going to crawl out of skin from the heat.</p><p>“Ha!” Lee mocked.</p><p>“It was the only cab available and I wanted us to check in early if we are to visit the first vineyard today,” Gordon explained. “But it will be worth it.”</p><p>“It better be because I think I might combust from the heat, and your bickering with each other isn’t helping the situation,” Dean said, looking at Lee.</p><p>“Why are you looking at me? He did this,” Lee said, defensively.</p><p>“We all know who the problem is here Lee, don’t we,” Dean said with a hard look in his eyes. Lee seemed to get the message loud and clear.</p><p>Lee rolled his eyes and looked outside the window trying to feel the breeze on his face. No one talked again until they arrived at their destination. A small boarding house, built in the 1600s- it had been used as a brothel, then a school, and now a boarding house.</p><p>Dean joked that it was haunted but he liked the ambiance. It was quiet and the way the windows in his room opened to a view of the cobbled street beneath the building and a view of a small river made all the difference. It was quiet here, and having bathed and relaxed a bit without Lee and Gordon’s bickering, he was starting to feel like himself again.</p><p>A knock on the door notified him that it was time to go to the vineyard, Dean couldn’t recall the name. The truth was, he didn’t care much about wine. He was a beer guy and as long as it came in a brown bottle and was made from barley, he was cool with it. That is why being in Germany had been the most exciting part of this trip.</p><p>He picked up his small backpack that contained essentials such as a camera, bottled water, snacks, and a novel he had carried for his trip. He had only managed to read it on the plane but he didn’t get far before sleep took over, and then their tour started, and it has been a whirlwind since then. It was the latest book in Carver Edlund’s collection, <em>The Marked Cradle</em>. It was about a man who had been killed while trying to save a boy from his psychotic father. The plot seemed cliche, but Dean loved Edlund’s books. They were catchy, and somehow this one spoke to him.</p><p>“Let’s go pretty boy,” Lee ribbed him as they went down the steps of the boarding house into the now less scorching sun of the late afternoon. They had been advised to take bicycles to the vineyard as it would be easier to navigate. Luckily, they all knew how to ride. It was a welcome change and he loved that he would get to enjoy some much needed breeze instead of being crammed in another old Volkswagen without a working AC and a passenger door that didn’t work preventing any of them from riding shotgun.</p><p>They rode to the vineyard chatting away. Lee and Gordon bickering as always but Dean was engrossed in the beauty of the place. The countryside was beautiful with the rolling vineyards and mountain meadows that span out throughout the area. They had passed a few villages with green plains and cows grazing around the day they drove here, it was divine. The clear blue sky made it seem like he could achieve anything. For some reason, he felt like he was riding to his destiny. He was hopeful that things would work out unlike his life back home where John would be waiting to scold him for making him spend a few thousand dollars to hire help to do the work Dean usually did for a third of what he was paying while Dean was away for a month.</p><p>He pushed the thought away and took in the scenery as they approached the chateau where the vineyard was located. ‘<em>Secret Wine Cellar’</em> the gold cursive letters on the iron gate read as they were ushered into the chateau by an elderly man in maybe his seventies. He nodded at them, and they nodded back. Gordon got off his bicycle first and parked it on the bicycle ramp. Lee and Dean followed suit as they were guided by another elderly man to a group of people waiting for the tour to begin. Everyone was talking in different languages and it seemed there were no more Americans in the group, so they chatted among themselves after they had said ‘Bonjour’ to the group.</p><p>The tour guide explained in English tinged with a British accent that they would tour the gardens first and then he would show them where and how the wine was made then they would taste the wine at the end of the tour. Dean was not interested in the slightest. He was doing this for Gordon who in turn had accompanied Dean to Germany where Dean had gone to meet an old friend of uncle Bobby who had worked as an engineer at Mercedes but was now retired and living in Germany. Bobby had arranged a meeting for them so that Dean could learn more about cars and what it took to become a mechanical engineer.</p><p>“So, these grapes are ready for harvest,” Dean heard their tour guide Philip say as he showed them rows upon rows of white grapes.</p><p>Dean looked up and squinted at the sun, it was still burning hot and looking at Lee's watch, it was around 4:30 in the afternoon. He detached himself from the group and decided to explore. Maybe he’d find a tree to read his book as Gordon and Lee who were overly engrossed in what Philip was saying finished the tour.</p><p>“I’ll be by those trees reading my book. When you guys are done, come find me,” Dean whispered to Gordon.</p><p>“Sure, man,” Gordon replied without looking back at Dean.</p><p>Dean left and walked towards the trees and when he got there, he looked around. He saw a small orchard with some oranges and apples so he went down the path to view them and somehow, he got turned around and ended up in a clearing where there were rows upons rows of ploughed land with nothing on them. On the other side of the path were more trees like he had seen earlier with no one in sight, and he started to panic. Well, he had the backpack with the water and snacks so he wouldn’t starve but he might freeze at night if no one came to find him since his linen trousers and short-sleeved shirt wouldn’t help shield him from the cold much.</p><p>He tried to retrace his steps but this time he ended up in another clearing with rows upon rows of red grapes, and was that a human figure by the trees? He gave out a sigh of relief when he saw it was a young man much like himself reading a book with a bottle of unlabelled white wine and a glass placed next to his mat.</p><p>“Bonjour,” Dean greeted, nervously. This man could be a serial killer for all he knew, and the little French he knew wouldn’t help him much at communicating. He hoped and prayed to all the gods that he would not die here in France in a row of grapes.</p><p>The young man looked up from his book and did not look all that enthusiastic about being disturbed. He had the bluest eyes Dean had ever seen, not like the sky, not like the ocean, somewhat like denim but not quite. The Milky Way also seemed to be etched in there somewhere, his lashes were long especially when he squinted at Dean and his jet black hair styled in bangs on the right side of his face framed his wide face perfectly<em>. Lord have mercy.</em></p><p>“Bonjour,” he responded disinterested and went back to reading his book.</p><p>“Uhh...que...<em>shit</em>...uh...quoi? Directions...<em>shit</em>. <em>How do you say I am lost in French?</em>” Dean muttered to himself.</p><p>“Lost?” the beautiful man asked, his tongue snaking out to lick his pink lips. His sharp jaw clenched a little as he sat up properly to look at Dean. He lifted his knees so that his hands were placed on his knees and his book dangled freely between his legs with his index finger placed strategically at the page he had been reading, <em>The Art of War.</em></p><p>Dean swallowed as the stranger’s blue shorts rode up to expose tan well toned thighs and muscular legs that had just about the right amount of hair. The top two buttons of his long-sleeved linen shirt were unbuttoned leaving a sliver of skin peeking through and a small amount of soft chest hair that made Dean’s throat dry and his head woozy. <em>Must be the summer heat</em>.</p><p>“You speak English? Thank God,” Dean said in relief. “Yes, lost. I am lost. I wandered off and now I don’t know where I am. Please help me?”</p><p>“Why should I help you?” The blue-eyed man countered, looking at Dean sternly as if he was peering into his soul. It was making Dean uncomfortable, his throat was parched.</p><p>“I don’t know. Because I am lost, and you are a good person?” Dean grinned showing his perfect teeth as he shrugged his shoulders.</p><p>“I am <em>not</em> a good person. And even if I were, that is not reason enough to help a total stranger who might be for all I know a psychotic killer on the loose.”</p><p>“Wha...what? I am not a… Look, I wandered off, okay? I was on a tour at<em> Secret Wine Cellar</em> with my friends and I just wanted a quiet spot to read my book and I saw an orchard and then somehow I got lost and here we are. I am not a killer or whatever,” Dean frowned, offended. The blue-eyed man chuckled and shook his head again. <em>Was he getting a kick out of torturing Dean?</em></p><p>“You are a curious one, aren't you? How do you know that I won’t murder you either?”</p><p>“I don’t. But, you are my only hope right now. So you have to save me or I’ll end up freezing to death in a row of grapes when I don’t even drink wine.”</p><p>“What? Who are you?”</p><p>“Dean. My name’s Dean,” Dean said, eyeing the stranger curiously.</p><p>“That’s not what I meant but nice to meet you, Dean,” the dark-haired man chuckled, shaking his head.</p><p>“And you? At least if you are going to murder me let me have the pleasure of knowing your name,” Dean tried, feigning a smile. He was scared and pleased at the same time and he was also sure he was going to get murdered.</p><p>“Let’s do this. You share this bottle of wine with me, and maybe, just maybe, I might tell you my name before I off you.”</p><p>“Are you serious?”</p><p>“Dead.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Bad joke. Look, just share the bottle with me and I promise I won’t murder you,” the blue-eyed man said, he big blue eyes looking up so innocently at Dean that Dean all but melted.</p><p>“Will you at least show me the direction to the chateau after?” Dean asked, giving in.</p><p>“What’s in it for me?”</p><p>“I’ll pay you. I have money.”</p><p>“No, Mr. Moneybags, let’s see. How about you tell me about the book you ran away to read?”</p><p>“Yeah. Yes, that I can do,” Dean said excitedly, that was easy enough.</p><p>“Okay, now plop down next to me and let’s finish this bottle,” the handsome man said, patting a spot next to him.</p><p>“Okay,” Dean obliged, sitting on the hard ground next to the handsome man who smelled glorious, like oranges.</p><p>Dean realized that the wine wasn’t so bad after all, he had enjoyed it. It gave him a buzz that he loved. Somehow, he had felt safe seated next to this handsome stranger who read SunTzu and drank wine alone in the middle of nowhere.</p><p>He told the stranger about Edlund’s book, the little he had read anyway and promised that if he finished it before they left France in the next two weeks, he would find him and tell him all about it. Weirdly though, they sat quietly watching the sun set in the horizon, the way the sky had turned a bright orange then somewhat red and then almost dark as they made their way back. By the time they got back to the chateau, the tourists were tasting wine and no one seemed to have missed him.</p><p>“You never told me your name,” Dean said as they stood outside of the chateau waiting for his friends to wrap up so they could leave. He didn’t want to taste any more wine because he knew the ride back wouldn’t be pleasant. Luckily, the buzz he had gotten from the wine had dissipated during the walk back which had been slow. Dean realized he hadn’t been lost anyway, he should’ve just taken another left turn and he would’ve been back at the chateau. <em>Had he been played?</em></p><p>“How about you and your friends come back here tomorrow night for a party I have with my college friends, and then, maybe, I might just tell you my name,” the dark haired man said with a smirk on his face.</p><p>“Seriously?” Dean asked awed at the man’s antics more than anything.</p><p>“Dead.”</p><p>“That joke is starting to get old.”</p><p>“Hmm.”</p><p>“Who are you anyway?”</p><p>“I am the guy who just saved your ass from imminent death in a vineyard full of red grapes. And you don’t even drink wine,” The dark-haired man said, staring at Dean, his eyes unblinking. “Can you imagine how funny the headlines would be if that actually happened?”</p><p>“No, why don’t you tell me,” Dean said, starting to get irritated by this man's antics. He might’ve shared a bottle of wine with him and even told him about his book but he had only done that as a bribe to get the directions.</p><p>“Poetic justice. Gorgeous American Boy dies abroad from thirst in a vineyard full of red grapes. The irony is that he did not drink wine or cared much for it. Talk of poetic justice. Maybe the grapes will get to drink him instead,” The dark-haired man said in an exaggerated voice mimicking a French accent. “Can you imagine how funny it would be?”</p><p>“Very funny.” <em>Did he just call me gorgeous?</em></p><p>“I am hilarious. Goodnight, curious Dean.”</p><p>“Goodnight.”</p><p>The dark-haired, blue-eyed man left Dean and walked towards a small gate at the side of the chateau. Dean watched his retreating back until he disappeared among the trees. The man was an enigma and Dean was captivated by not only his beauty but his personality too. He wished to figure him out. He decided to get out his book and read under the soft glow of the security bulb above him but he was not so lucky as to get the book out of his bag.</p><p>“Ready to go?” Lee asked as he tied his shoulder length hair up in a bun.</p><p>“Yeah, I need to sleep,” Dean said.</p><p>“Okay then, let’s roll,” Gordon chimed in as they took their bikes from the ramp and rode down the narrow path back to the boarding house.</p><p>They ate their supper discussing their adventures of their tour in Europe so far. Dean did not say much, all he could think about was the handsome stranger and the cars he had seen in Germany. When he went to sleep that night, he dreamt of his father’s sleek black ‘67 Chevrolet impala and a blue-eyed, dark-haired man.</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>An insight into Dean's life back in the US.<br/>What happens when Dean attends the handsome stranger's party?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter was added today in honour of Jenmish day (11th anniversary). Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> <strong>“If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless.” -John Green.</strong> </em>
</p><p>It was late when Dean woke up. He was sprawled on the bed face down, his covers strewn all over because it had been too hot at night and the rooms didn’t have air conditioning either. Also, he was afraid to open the windows to his room in fear that someone might break in and harm him at night. He had tossed and turned mostly because he had a problem with sleeping in new places, and also the heat was making the situation worse. So he had just thrown his covers off and slept in just his underwear, and it had done the trick. He had just woken up one time during the night to use the bathroom and drink water.</p><p>He prepared himself for the day and went downstairs for lunch since it was already half past midday and lunch was served between then and half past one.</p><p>“Good afternoon, sunshine,” Lee greeted. “Sleep okay?”</p><p>“Yeah. Mostly. Where’s Gordon,” Dean asked, pulling a seat next to where Lee sat on the large dining table that could fit at least twenty people. They were alone.</p><p>“He went into town to send a letter or something,” Lee said sipping orange juice.</p><p>They watched Claude, a young woman in her twenties who worked as a cook in the boarding house, set up the food on the table which was already set. Lee looked at her like she was a meal herself. Dean rolled his eyes- Lee was always trying so hard with women as if he was overcompensating for something. Claude didn’t seem to mind though if the way she batted her eyes and swayed her hips as she walked back to the kitchen was any indication.</p><p>“I’m so hungry,” Dean said, getting up to scoop food on his plate. He opted for some chicken stew, rice, and orange juice. He had barely sat down before he started scooping food into his mouth.</p><p>Lee watched and laughed at him as he ate.</p><p>Lee Webb and Dean had become best friends sometime during the third grade after Lee defended Dean from bullies. Since then, they had been inseparable. They also lived three doors down from each other and went to the same schools, from elementary school all the way to high school, so it became easier to maintain their friendship.</p><p>John, Dean’s father, also seemed to take a liking to Lee, which was good because he didn’t like a lot of people, especially boys hanging around Dean. He said he had his reasons, but he never said as to what they were, except when he got stupid drunk and told Dean to act like a man so people could take him serious because he was pretty like a girl. He called Dean a girl a lot when he was drunk and that is why he forced Dean to work at <em>Winchester-Singer Auto Garage</em> to teach him ‘manly traits’.</p><p>John liked Lee. He was the son he wished he had instead of Dean. Lee was an orphan who lived with his aunt, a news reporter who travelled a lot for work, so he often spent time at Dean’s house. Sometimes he would stay for weeks and had even taken up part of Dean’s room.</p><p>Lee was not pretty like Dean. No, he had boyish features, and he would grow to be a very handsome, manly man. John would rant about this in his drunken stupor. John even liked the long shoulder-length dark brown hair that Lee never seemed to want to cut. Dean had tried growing his hair out like Lee and was met with a buzzer the morning before starting seventh grade. John had given him a clean cut so much so that he had to wear a beanie to class for a month and had to lie that he hit his head so he was covering up his wounds. Luckily, Uncle Bobby had come to the rescue and written a permission slip for Dean to wear the beanie, which was not allowed in class, and forged John’s signature.</p><p>Since Lee walked into their lives, Dean knew that John would've wanted a son like him and not Dean. Lee was everything he wanted to be. But life was funny, wasn't it, it always dealt you the wrong cards. If life were fair, John would've been Lee's father and Dean and his little brother Sam, Sammy as Dean liked to call him, would've been better off being Uncle Bobby's children. Robert Singer, John's oldest friend from their military days, loved Sam and Dean like they were his own. Unfortunately, or fortunately for Sam and Dean, he hadn’t wanted children with his now deceased wife, Karen. However, Bobby had always sheltered the two boys from John's wrath and this often led to John and Bobby arguing, a lot. Bobby usually called Dean and his brother <em>idjits</em> especially when they messed up, but he loved them. He had told Dean that he was his favourite and that had made Dean smile, knowing at least one person apart from Sammy liked him. Dean had always known that John loved him but he did not <em>like</em> him. It was a painful way to exist, not being liked, especially when that person was a person you looked up to and called your father.</p><p>So to Dean, Lee was like his big brother. He was only nine months older than Dean and had almost all of John’s affection. But somehow, when Lee came into their life, John had become more aggressive with Dean. Telling him to be more like Lee; to play football, wear flannel instead of white T-shirts that smelled like fabric softener, go hunting with him and Uncle Bobby, maybe drive a muscle car like Lee’s 1965 Ford Mustang. Dean did all that. He joined the football team securing the position of wide receiver. Lee was the starting quarterback and the team captain when Dean had joined the team. Dean even started wearing those awful flannels that John and Lee seemed to love so much but would wear his soft fabric softener smelling T-shirts underneath them. He even sucked it up and went hunting with his father and uncle, he did not like it but it made things easier for him, at least he learned how to shoot a rifle which wasn’t so bad. On his 16th birthday, John gave him his car, a 1967 Chevrolet Impala. Dean liked the car but to him, it would always be John’s car. Him having it felt tainted somehow by the fact that he only got it because his father wanted him to present an image to the world that he was a real man because of it. Dean tried hard to please John and that’s why he followed Lee everywhere like a lost puppy. He didn’t like it, but he liked Lee, and since he had to keep John off his back, he obliged.</p><p>Dean and Lee didn’t have much in common except for maybe football, the fact that they were neighbours, and that they had gone to the same school. Lee loved music and played guitar with his band. They would often perform for the small group of truckers and lumberjacks at <em>Harvelle’s Roadhouse</em> on Fridays after school, and people seemed to like them. They didn’t have a name for the band yet, though it was currently called <em>Swayze’s Way</em> after Dean and Lee’s favourite actor from their favourite movie, <em>Dirty Dancing</em> or so Dean had said. The name of the band kept changing, which was mostly confusing, but their music was good. It was more of country music than rock and roll but it was good. Dean liked it and hoped that some day Lee could make it big in the music world if he was serious enough about it. John would love that. Sometimes, Dean would sing with Lee in their room but never in front of a crowd, besides, Dean was more of a classic rock kind of guy.</p><p>Dean still loved Lee even though he had somehow replaced him in the family tree even in something minutely as Dean being somehow in the back seat while Lee was front and center both in John’s life and in the Impala. However, there was something about Lee that Dean could never figure out. He never wanted to see Dean with anyone else, especially men. He only wanted to keep Dean to himself which Dean found annoying seeing that he was a sociable guy who liked making friends. Also the fact that they had been on the football team together in High School meant that Dean hung out with other boys in the team, however, Lee was always there, as if chaperoning. It was so frustrating that Dean could never really be alone. It was suffocating. However, somehow he had accepted it as part of his life and lived with it.</p><p>That is why it was a relief when Gordon Walker joined the football team in High School as the starting quarterback. Lee hated the fact that Gordon had taken his starting quarterback position which he had only played for three months the previous semester. He had been promoted to that position from backup quarterback when the starting quarterback had announced at the end of the semester that he would be transferring schools to join a catholic boarding school. Their coach had said that Lee would go back to being a backup quarterback, the position he had played for a long time because Gordon was a better player than he was and they were there to win games not to see who had the bigger cock. Lee obliged, albeit begrudgingly, and to John’s dismay, but he was adamant that he was going to remain team captain. Gordon was okay with it, all he wanted was to play football. So, the love-hate relationship between Lee and Gordon was born.</p><p>Gordon liked Dean, and they became fast friends since their interests were aligned. They both liked football, reading books, cooking and watching soap operas. Lee often laughed at them and called them sissies for that, but Gordon snapped at him until he shut up. Of course they liked women too but they were never disrespectful to them like Lee was. For all that, Lee did not like Gordon much but he had no choice but to accept that Gordon was part of Dean’s life and he was not going anywhere.</p><p>Being black, Gordon had to deal with a lot of things that Dean did not comprehend because he loved Gordon as a person not because of how he looked. Sometimes, people would make fun of him and Dean would defend him, but Gordon told him to leave it alone, or that it wasn’t worth it, and that Dean could not solve racism in the world by defending him every time someone threw a slur at him or looked at him as if he was less than. It didn’t matter that Gordon’s father was the police chief or that his mother was a professor at a local university or that Gordon was one of the smartest people in their class with a 4.0 GPA, being black was what seemed to define him. Dean didn’t like it one bit. He wished people could see his friend for who he really was. Dean had lived with so many things he did not like and it was starting to get annoying. He was nineteen now, it was time to make a change and not let John or Lee define his life anymore.</p><p>“Dean, you woke up. I was starting to get worried,” Gordon said, walking up to the foyer where Dean and Lee were seated. Dean was reading his book while Lee tuned his guitar.</p><p>“I was so tired, man, and don’t get me started on the heat,” Dean said, putting a bookmark on the page he had been reading pulling a chair for Gordon next to him. Lee rolled his eyes paying Gordon no mind and went on to tune his guitar.</p><p>“So, what should we do today? We don’t have to visit another vineyard until tomorrow,” Gordon said, looking at Dean.</p><p>“I know what I’ll be doing,” Lee said, suggestively glancing towards the kitchen.</p><p>Gordon let out a sigh, Dean shook his head and Lee licked his lips. No words needed to be said about his statement.</p><p>“I don’t know. But, I, we were invited to a party,” Dean said, a smile tugging at his lips.</p><p>“By whom?” Lee asked, uninterested.</p><p>“This guy I met yesterday at the vineyard,” Dean said.</p><p>“Oooo….do tell,” Gordon joked.</p><p>“A guy, huh? Making friends already I see,” Lee said, a sour note in his voice.</p><p>“For <em>fuckssake</em> Lee, Dean is allowed to make other friends apart from us,” Gordon countered. Lee snapped his mouth shut, swallowing down whatever it was that he was about to say next. He fiddled with his hair and tucked it behind his ears.</p><p>“I wouldn’t say he is a friend. He helped me, or saved me, as he’d say if you asked him. He helped me find my way back after I got lost,” Dean said, a twinkle in his eye. Gordon noticed it but he did not meddle.</p><p>“So, you wanna come? To the party I mean,” Dean asked, hopefully.</p><p>“Count me in. I want to meet this ‘saviour’,” Gordon said, nudging Dean on his side and they laughed.</p><p>“Well, I don’t know for sure. Let me see how it goes with Claude,” Lee said, playing a few chords to see whether he had tuned the guitar properly.</p><p>“Okay, it’s settled then. Party at the chateau, tonight,” Gordon shouted, running down the foyer stairs to the back of the house. “I’m going swimming. You wanna join?”</p><p>“Right behind you, let me get our swimming trunks and towels,” Dean shouted back. Lee rolled his eyes again and continued playing his guitar.</p><p> </p><p>✦✦✦</p><p> </p><p>The party was not what Dean had expected. It was not being held at the main house but rather at the pool house, which was through the small gate that the dark-haired man had vanished to last night. There were a few people, all of whom seemed to be around Dean’s age. Most of them that Dean had spoken to said that they were in college and some were taking a gap year or whatever.</p><p>“Hi,” Dean said as his blue-eyed saviour came to sit next to him on the large sofa.</p><p>Today he was wearing pink shorts that showed his beautifully sculpted legs, a white T-shirt and a pair of brown boat shoes.<em> Who was this dark-haired mysterious man?</em> Dean was captivated by his beauty and charm but most of all, he wanted to peel the layers of his well crafted personality and mysterious nature to discover who he really was.</p><p>Dean moved to accommodate his partner on the sofa and wiped his hands on his blue jeans. For some reason, he felt under dressed and he wished he had put more thought to his outfit.</p><p>“Hello, Dean,” the guy said.</p><p>“Please tell me, who are you?” Dean blurted out without thinking. He felt heat crawl up from his neck up to the tips of his ears in embarrassment.</p><p>“Castiel,” the guy said.</p><p>“Cas...Castiel. That’s uh...that’s an odd name,” Dean stuttered, trying to figure out its origin or what inspired it. He did not want to seem disrespectful to his gracious host so he just let it slide.</p><p>“You don’t like it?” Castiel asked, taken aback by Dean’s reaction. Most people loved his name, it wasn’t a name you heard often.</p><p>“No, it’s not that. It’s just that I have never heard of it,” Dean said, looking into those beautiful blue orbs that were staring back at him.</p><p>“Well, you’ve heard of it now,” Castiel quipped, unsmiling.</p><p>“It’s a nice name. Mind if I call you Cas though?”</p><p>“Cas? Are you trying to take charge of my life already? Dude, we just met,” Castiel said, sternly.</p><p>“Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...I didn’t mean to uh....,” Dean trailed off.</p><p>“I’m just messing with you,” Castiel laughed.</p><p>“You’re still not funny,” Dean said, relieved that he had not offended his host.</p><p>“So I have been told, but a guy can try,” Castiel said, handing Dean a beer. Dean took it and took a sip.</p><p>“You know, I didn’t think it would be that easy.”</p><p>“What was easy?”</p><p>“Getting you to tell me your name after you played hard to get yesterday.”</p><p>“Hold up, are you flirting with me? Because if you are, I need you to know that I am a classy lady.”</p><p>“God! You’re insufferable,” he laughed, sipping his beer again.</p><p>“That I am.”</p><p>“What’s your last name anyway?"</p><p>“Still curious I see. You know what they say about curiosity, right?”</p><p>“That it killed the cat?”</p><p>Castiel laughed.</p><p>“No, Dean. Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.”</p><p>“Who said that?</p><p>“CJ Cherryh”</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“Never mind,” Castiel paused, looking at Dean as if studying him, “You are something, Dean.”</p><p>“I am?”</p><p>“Tell me what your last name is and maybe, just maybe, I might tell you mine.”</p><p>“Winchester. Dean Winchester.”</p><p>“Beautiful.”</p><p>“The name? It’s just a name, Cas.”</p><p>“Hmm,” Castiel said, smiling at Dean’s ignorance. He wasn’t talking about the name.</p><p>“Thanks for inviting me, I like the party. Your friends are nice.”</p><p>“I don’t know who half of these people are.”</p><p>“My bad,” Dean frowned.</p><p>“No, it’s okay.”</p><p>"Where are your friends?” Castiel asked, searching around the room as if he could identify Lee and Gordon, who he had never met.</p><p>"That's Lee, the one with the maroon shirt and the ‘Tarzan’ hair speaking to that girl over by the pool, and that's Gordon, the one seated on the pool chair sipping wine," Dean was pointing to his friends.</p><p>"I should meet them sometime," Castiel said as an afterthought.</p><p>Dean did not respond to that, but instead he took another sip of his beer and placed the bottle on the table in front of him.</p><p>“So, where are you from, Dean Winchester?” Castiel asked after a beat of silence.</p><p>“Lebanon, Kansas.”</p><p>“You are a long way from home.”</p><p>“Yeah. Tell me about it.”</p><p>“What are you doing in France anyway?”</p><p>"Gordon. He wanted to learn more about wine, kind of his passion. He thought this might be a good place to start.”</p><p>“That’s brilliant. He must be a <em>very special</em> friend,” Castiel said, suggestively.</p><p>“It’s not like that. He’s <em>just</em> a friend, one of my best friends actually,” Dean clarified. “He did the same for me.”</p><p>“Took you to France to learn about wine?”</p><p>“No. Germany, cars,” Dean clarified, “You know I don’t know anything about wine so…”</p><p>“I could teach you,” Castiel said seductively, Dean blushed and looked away.</p><p>“Maybe teach Gordon,” Dean laughed, meeting Castiel's blue borbs which were dancing with mischief.</p><p>“I’ll only teach him if you come along too.”</p><p>“Okay. But I’m agreeing only because I want the best for my friend.”</p><p>“The best?” Castiel asked his interest perking up and he raised his eyebrows, “How did you come to that conclusion?”</p><p>“You live in a chateau on a vineyard, you must be good at least, if not the best.”</p><p>“I am only a guest here, but I have picked up a few tricks and things,” he replied humbly.</p><p>“Oh,” Dean said, glancing at Castiel.</p><p>“And while I may be good, I am not the best. I can give him a few tips, though. Share a few secrets and the best vineyards around here.”</p><p>“You would do that for him?”</p><p>“No. I would do it for you, Dean,” Castiel said, his blue eyes boring into Dean’s hazel ones.</p><p>“For me?” Dean asked, astonished.</p><p>"Yes," Castiel responded, blue eyes never leaving the hazel ones. Dean felt his breath catch.</p><p>"Why?" Dean choked out. Something in the air shifted, like suddenly the noise in the room just dissipated and it was just the two of them. The sky and the earth peering into each other.</p><p>"Why not?" Castiel countered, licking his lips, his eyes roaming over the expanse of Dean’s symmetrical face, “How about we start tomorrow.”</p><p>Dean was blushing, his throat was parched and he needed air, all the things Castiel was saying, the way he was looking at him, it was all too much. To steady himself, he took another sip of his beer and looked at Castiel. Castiel was looking back at him as if counting his freckles. Dean blushed. Castiel smiled.</p><p>“Sure, if it’s okay with Gordon.”</p><p>“I’m sure it will be more than okay with him.”</p><p>“How do you know?"</p><p>"Because, you will put in a good word for me." Castiel said seductively, biting his bottom lip.</p><p>"Is that so?" Dean smirked.</p><p>“But, I will do it under one condition,” Castiel offered, playing with the sleeve of Dean’s shirt. Dean looked at Castiel’s fingers dancing on his shirt so close to his skin but not quite. He felt like sparks were being lit under his skin.</p><p>“Anything,” he responded in almost a whisper.</p><p>“You join us.”</p><p>“Me? Why?”</p><p>“Why not?” Dean was again hung up on that question. He didn’t really know how to respond, but he knew he wanted to see Castiel again.</p><p>“Okay. It’s a deal,” he said, his hazel eyes meeting expectant blue ones.</p><p>“Tomorrow around noon. I’ll be there.”</p><p>“Where?”</p><p>“Goodbye, Dean.” Castiel stood up to leave.</p><p>“Wait, how will we...I find you?” Dean asked, not wanting Castiel to leave.</p><p>“Don’t worry. I will find you,” Castiel said with a sly smile on his face. Dean smiled back. They seemed to be playing a game that Dean did not know the rules to.</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>Castiel started walking away.</p><p>“Wait! You never told me your last name.”</p><p>“Ever so curious.”</p><p>“Please,” Dean said, batting his long lashes at Castiel a tinge of desperation in his voice. Castiel could not resist how beautiful Dean looked. He groaned internally and obliged.</p><p>Castiel took a few more steps away from Dean, looked back at him under the fluorescent light and simply said, “Novak.” And with that, Castiel disappeared into the crowd somehow the music and buzz of the party coming back snapping Dean from his cocoon.</p><p>"Novak," Dean whispered to himself and smiled as he watched Castiel walk away. Dean did not see him again that night</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next post is on Sunday</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A peek into Castiel's life and his thoughts about Dean.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As a Christmas gift to my amazing readers, I'll be posting a new chapter on Christmas day. Watch out for that.</p><p>Enjoy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> <strong>“A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes.</strong> </em>
</p><p>Castiel was a multifaceted child who was gifted in many areas and excelled in anything he set his mind to. He had become a chess champion in the USA junior chess championship when he was only eight years old, and was a child prodigy at chess at age nine. He could’ve gone ahead and become a grandmaster, but he felt that chess was not something he wanted to pursue. His father had been disappointed, but thanks to his mother, Naomi, he had gotten out of it by compromising. He would learn piano and refine his skills to be able to perform Canon in D Major for his parents’ vow renewal. He was only ten when he had perfected it within a week on the piano. After he achieved that, he went on to learn how to play the cello. It wasn’t that difficult, or maybe he just didn’t let fear control him. He was well read, meaning he had read the original Dante’s <em>Inferno</em> by age nine. He was somewhat of a genius, but things often did not hold his interest for long.</p><p>He was many things; a chess player, a piano player, a well read young man, but one thing he was not, was a liar. But he had lied. He had lied to the one person who had held his interest for the past two days. He had lied when he said that his last name was Novak. That was his friend James' last name. His was Shurley- Castiel Shurley. He hated that name, Shurley, because it was so heavily associated with an over controlling father and an overall lack of privacy that he never actually used it. He often told people that he only had one name; Castiel, like Madonna or Cher. However, being Charles 'Chuck’ Shurley Jr’s son was something he was told he should be proud of, but he wasn't, not really. He felt like a prisoner, and he wished he could be free.</p><p>He had feared that telling Dean his true identity would set him off. Everyone knew Chuck, the son of millionaire and renowned author, Charles Shurley Senior. Chuck was a self-made billionaire who made his wealth by acquiring failing companies and turning them around through his company, <em>Shurley Business Management Consultants.</em> He had an array of other achievements that included charity organizations that worked closely with the Red Cross and other response teams that helped during disasters. He also held shares in some of the world’s largest companies. So, being the son of a business mogul was not something Castiel was proud of. He figured Dean would not care for such things, and even if there was a possibility that Dean may not have known who Chuck was, there was a chance that one of his friends would and that scared him. So Castiel had done the only thing he could at the time, he had lied about who he was.</p><p>Castiel had not only lied about his name but also about him being a guest at the chateau. Well, technically he was a guest but not quite. After getting a divorce from Chuck, his mother, Naomi, had married a man named Bartholomew, who was indifferent to Castiel. Castiel did not mind it because indifference was better than the control and suffocating love and affection that Chuck exerted on him and his siblings. He was here at the Chateau as Barholomew’s step son, but he really was a guest in this instance because his home was in New york with Chuck, and his siblings Micheal, Nick, and Hannah. His favourite brother, Balthazar, had decided to remain in England after college, after all that is where his mother lived too while his brother Gabriel had fled to explore the world. Last Castiel heard, he was in India. Good for him.</p><p>Out of all of his siblings, Castiel missed his little brother, Alfie, the most. He had met an untimely death, but that was one of those things he did not like to remember at ten o'clock in the morning when he was having breakfast before meeting Dean and his friends. Dean Winchester, the beautiful ethereal man with sandy blond hair, hazel eyes, a beautiful freckled face, and those soft pink pouty lips.</p><p>“Earth to Castiel,” Uriel said, nudging Castiel’s leg under the table snapping him out of his reverie.</p><p>“What? Did you say something?” Castiel asked, reaching for his cup of green tea and sipping it. <em>He was a health freak</em>, <em>so what?</em></p><p>“Thinking about that boy again, aren’t you?” Uriel inquired as he buttered his toast. Hannah snorted as she joined them in the sun room.</p><p>“Don’t,” Castiel said, throwing an orange slice at Hannah but missed.</p><p>“I didn’t say anything. Uriel did,” Hannah shot back, sitting down next to Uriel. Castiel sat across from them where he could see the judgmental looks on their smug faces.</p><p>“Uriel, my dear friend, of course I am thinking about him! Have you seen him? He has a face that people write poems about. ‘A face that could launch a thousand ships’ though not the original since that was for Helen of Troy,” Castiel rambled on.</p><p>“Can you even hear yourself?” Uriel asked, astonished at Castiel’s lack of a guarded answer to his previous question. “This is not you, man.”</p><p>“Oh, and you know me so well?” Castiel retaliated.</p><p>“Of course I do, I have known you all my life. You have changed this past year. Even more so since two days ago when you met that uncultured twink,” Uriel retorted.</p><p>“Are we jealous now, Uriel?” Castiel asked with a spark in his eye as if daring Uriel to answer that so he could tear him a new one. <em>Who did he think he was?</em> “You are not the boss of me.”</p><p>“Look. I didn’t mean it like that. You, me and Hannah, we are different. We are not like them- The basic working American. We are cultured and destined for greater things. He’s probably…,” Uriel said.</p><p>“Be careful of what you say next because I swear to God if you insult Dean again, I will throw you and your cultured lifestyle out myself,” Castiel threatened, pointing a butter knife at his friend. Castiel stared him down and Uriel understood in that moment that he had overstepped.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I just don’t understand,” Uriel said calmly after taking a sip of his coffee.</p><p>“Neither do I, brother,” Hannah chimed in, her blue eyes dancing with wonder to know more. “I have never seen you like this either.”</p><p>“There’s just something about Dean. He is different,” Castiel said, a faraway look in his eyes and a smile tugging at his lips.</p><p>“Not to rain on your parade but you said the same about April, then you had sex with her and poof you were gone. Oh, there was also that goth girl, Meg? You kissed her and promised her you’d be together then you left her stranded outside our apartment in New York, remember her? Oh, and then there was Mick, poor Mick. He was so in love with you, still is really, and what did you do? Fucked him, strung him along for months and then you ran here. Oh, what of that girlfriend you brought home to meet our parents, Daphne was it? You dumped her immediately after. She was my friend. Now she doesn’t even talk to me anymore,” Hannah exclaimed, agitated.</p><p>Castiel was appalled to say the least. Hearing his string of lovers being laid out before him was, if he was being honest, surreal and a little sad. He had never had one stable relationship, but there was honestly something about Dean that drew him in.</p><p>“I see your point Hannah, I do. But I have changed, I swear. Dean is someone I can see a future with,” Castiel said, sincerely.</p><p>“A future with? You are turning twenty in a month. He’s what? Eighteen? Nineteen?’ Hannah incredulously replied. “He has a whole life ahead of him and if you truly care for him, don’t put your paws on him.”</p><p>“Not to get ahead of myself for the fear of being cast out but, are you even, you know, his type?” Uriel asked, cautiously,</p><p>“You can say gay, Uriel,” Castiel clipped back. “I am good at reading these things. Gay or not, I know he’s into me.”</p><p>Hannah laughed, stuffing her mouth with grapes, trying her best not to look at her brother.</p><p>“If you say so, just be careful, my friend,” Uriel said, throwing his hands up having given up on trying to convince Castiel that this would not end well for him or for Dean.</p><p>“I always am. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment to impart some wine knowledge unto Gordon, and I don’t want to be late. I wouldn’t want to disappoint him now, would I?” Castiel said, wiping his mouth on his napkin and pushing his chair back.</p><p>“You mean you wouldn’t want to disappoint, Dean,” Hannah quipped.</p><p>“Whatever makes you feel better dear sister. I’ll see you judgmental freaks later,” Castiel said, leaving an amused Hannah and a worried Uriel to their own musings.</p><p> </p><p>✦✦✦</p><p> </p><p>Castiel parked his ‘pimp mobile’ as Hannah called it outside the boarding house at around noon. It was an ugly gold Lincoln with extra hydraulics that made it look like a pimp car. It belonged to one of the groundskeepers and he let him borrow it in exchange for a full tank of gas when Castiel came back. He could’ve opted to borrow his mother’s <em>1955 Mercedes Benz 190 SL</em> but it only had two seats and was a pricey car. Seeing that he wanted to see Dean with the guise of helping his friend Gordon and also keep up his normal guy façade he did not want to be obvious. He had promised Dean that he would find him and knowing every hotel and boarding house in the area, he knew there was only one place they could be.</p><p>He walked inside the boarding house and found the receptionist, Anna, a redhead with big green eyes staring off at the wall. He asked for Dean Winchester, and Anna called to Dean’s room.</p><p>“You can go up, room 10,” she said and went back to her staring. Castiel wondered whether she was okay but he did not want to intrude.</p><p>Castiel had barely knocked on the door when Dean peeked through it and walked out to meet him, “Cas?”</p><p>“Hello, Dean,” Castiel responded, unsmiling.</p><p>“You found me,” Dean said, amused, partially leaning on the door frame so it appeared like he was hiding from Castiel but his beautiful face was peeking through.</p><p>“I told you I’d find you, didn’t I,” Castiel said, this time with a small smile on his face, hands in his pocket. Dean smiled back at him showing his perfect teeth.</p><p>“Should I be worried?”</p><p>“Maybe? But why though?”</p><p>“Because I feel like you can see right through to my soul.”</p><p>“That would be something,” Castiel quipped, bit his bottom lip, looking at Dean so intensely that he thought Castiel was actually looking right into his soul. Dean shrugged it off and relaxed after his senses came back online and realized that he was being stupid. No one could see into another person’s soul.</p><p>“Hmm,” Dean snorted, shaking his head. Castiel smiled.</p><p>“As much as I am enjoying this, I am here for Gordon.”</p><p>Dean was disappointed by the change of the direction of their conversation, but Castiel really was here for Gordon, so he swallowed the lump in his throat and said, “Oh..uh, I’ll go get him. Wait downstairs.”</p><p>“Alright.”</p><p>Dean’s face fell and the sweet smile he had given Castiel when he saw him standing at his door disappeared. He closed the door to his room and intentionally shoved into Castiel as he walked to Gordon’s room which was across the hall from Dean’s.</p><p>As Castiel walked down stairs to the patio to wait for Dean and his friends, he couldn’t help but think about their rather short conversation. It had started well until Castiel said he was there for Gordon. That would be a good sign. Well, Dean being angry with him was bad but knowing that he was mad at him for not wanting to spend a little more time with him before he asked about Gordon was a good sign. He smiled to himself knowing that Dean liked him too.</p><p>He did not wait long before Dean came up to him with Gordon and Lee. He had seen them last night from afar, but what he had not seen was that they were both well built and almost as tall as Dean, and maybe just as good looking. Let it be said, though, that although these men were handsome, Dean was the epitome of beauty.</p><p>“Cas, these are my friends, Gordon and Lee,” Dean introduced them less enthusiastically than he had last night and Castiel knew why.</p><p>“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Cas...Castiel,” Gordon greeted, giving Castiel a firm handshake and smile.</p><p>“Hey,” Lee said, tucking his hair behind his ears and leaving Castiel’s outstretched hand that was eagerly waiting for a handshake hanging. <em>Who the fuck was this guy?</em> Dean rolled his eyes at Lee’s behaviour knowing that he was not happy with Dean making new friends.</p><p>“So, I figured I would leave you two to it,” Dean said, gesturing towards Castiel and Gordon.</p><p>“But I only agreed to do this if you learned as well,” Castiel said, shocked at Dean’s behaviour.</p><p>“Well, I told you I don’t like wine. Learning about it wouldn’t interest me either,” Dean snapped back.</p><p>“Okay, then our deal is off,” Castiel retorted, standing his ground jutting out his chin, his sharp jaw sticking out in sheer arrogance.</p><p>“You would deny Gordon this chance because I’ve refused to learn as well?” Dean asked, appalled at Castiel’s disrespect. <em>The audacity!</em></p><p>“Maybe.”</p><p>“Wow, I thought you were a good person.”</p><p>“I never said I was,” Castiel retorted matter-of- factly.</p><p>“I see,” Dean said, utterly disappointed in Castiel, and also in himself for behaving like such a brat and making things hard for Gordon.</p><p>“I said I was doing this for you,” Castiel’s voice had a softness in it, almost as if he was desperate and disappointed at the same time.</p><p>“Gordon is part of who I am, he is my family. So teach him for me.”</p><p>“I want you to learn too,” Castiel’s voice got softer, pleading. It melted Dean’s heart that Castiel cared for him that much, but he was still annoyed with him for the way he had acted.</p><p>“I don’t want to. Am I not allowed to change my mind?” Dean asked, crossing his arms on his chest as he asked that. Castiel’s eyes hardened again as he stared Dean down, Dean stared back, unrelenting.</p><p>“Not on this,” Castiel said, shaking his head, pointing his index finger on the table.</p><p>Someone cleared their throat.</p><p>“Guys, are you sure you are still talking about wine?” Gordon asked, mostly confused.</p><p>Lee gave Castiel a sour look and tucked his hair behind his ears again. Castiel had an unsettling feeling about him, like he would get punched in the throat for making things difficult for Dean.</p><p>“Apologies Gordon, it’s just that Dean here promised to study with us. But now, he seems to have changed his mind,” Castiel said to Gordon but he was looking at Dean. Dean was busy pretending to pick lint from his shirt.</p><p>“So...does that mean I don’t get to learn or what?” Gordon wanted to know. He had other things to do, he was not going to sit there and listen to the two bickering like lovers.</p><p>“Oh, I’ll teach you Gordon. I am a good person after all,” Castiel said as he sat down and beckoned to Gordon to sit next to him. “I even brought you a few bottles of wine to sample.”</p><p>“That’s exciting. Thank you,” Gordon said, perking back up.</p><p>“No thank, Dean,” Castiel said, sarcastically.</p><p>Dean rolled his eyes and uncrossed his arms from his chest.</p><p>“Fine, I’ll learn too but just know that I’m doing this for Gordon,” Dean said, pulling a chair from across Castiel.</p><p>“Of course you are,” Castiel replied, a small smile that he tried very hard to hide tugging at his lips.</p><p>“Uh guys, since I am more of an all alcohol is good alcohol kinda guy I am gonna go and write some songs,” Lee chimed in, pointing to the general direction of the interior of the boarding house with his thumb.</p><p>“Sure. See you later,” Dean waved goodbye. Lee did not wave back.</p><p>Dean watched him through the window as he stopped to flirt with Claude while throwing glances at Dean. Dean shook his head, whatever was going on with Lee he didn’t understand it. He did know that he needed to stop being such a pain in the ass.</p><p>By the time, Gordon and Dean had learned the difference between sweet and dry white wine and the whole process of wine making from harvesting of the grapes to the type of corks to use, they had downed at least five bottles of wine and were drunk. Lee sat a few chairs away from Dean, brooding, while playing what Dean assumed was a new tune on his guitar.</p><p>Claude had served them lunch on the patio at around two o’clock and brought out some cheese and baguette to take with the wine. It was such a fun afternoon that Dean forgot that he was ever upset with Castiel. Then he saw his car and burst out laughing asking Castiel if he was a low-life pimp driving in that hideous thing. They all laughed at that and when they had stopped, Dean had felt a small fire start in his chest and go all the way down to his groin when he saw Castiel’s gummy grin after Dean’s joke. He had felt his cock stir in jeans and he willed it down. It was too hot in the afternoon and he was too drunk to even think straight.</p><p>“I think we should take a siesta,” Gordon slurred.</p><p>“S-i-e-sssss-ta,” Castiel laughed . “Such a funny word, who came up with it? Ssssss.”</p><p>They laughed garnering eyerolls from Lee who sat nursing his beer. Claude watched him intently from the kitchen.</p><p>“Sssss,” Dean said, and they burst out laughing again.</p><p>“Let’s go upstairs, I really need that ssssss...sie….sssta,” Gordon added. They laughed again and staggered upstairs leaving Lee to his music and beer. They did not leave him out of spite, it’s just that he had purposely excluded himself from the group, so if he wanted, he could join them for their siesta too.</p><p>When they reached their rooms, Gordon went to his while Castiel followed Dean into his. Dean fell on the bed face down and huffed out a sigh.</p><p>“So drunk,” he slurred. Castiel laughed. “Join me, Cas. Bed ‘s big enough for the both of us.”</p><p>Castiel did not need to be told twice as he fell on the bed next to Dean and they drifted off.</p><p>When Dean came to, the room was shrouded in darkness apart from the light from the street light from the street outside and the hallway light that seeped from under the door. Dean tried to move but Castiel’s hands were curled tightly around his waist, his mouth open at the back of Dean's neck where he was breathing hot air and wait was that a hardon on his ass?</p><p>Before Dean could do much of anything else, he felt Castiel’s hand move up and down his chest and “Hello, Dean,” whispered softly to his ear.</p><p>“Cas, are you awake?” Dean asked, foolishly.</p><p>“Mhmm...what are you thinking about?” Castiel asked, unmoving from his position. Dean was pressed and wanted to use the bathroom desperately but he was too embarrassed to move.</p><p>“Your...uh...hands around my waist. I need to pee,” he blurted out when he felt his bladder swell, he was sure it was a second away from bursting.</p><p>“Oh. You should’ve just pushed me away,” Castiel, laughed.</p><p>“I didn’t wanna wake you,” Dean said, softly.</p><p>“So thoughtful,” Castiel teased him. Dean blushed.</p><p>“Shut up.”</p><p>“Okay you can go now,” Castiel said untangling himself from Dean.</p><p>“You know, this could’ve been kind of romantic if you didn’t have a hardon,” Dean said, getting off the bed and switching on the lights. Castiel squinted from the sudden exposure to the light. Dean found Castiel’s squint adorable because his nose crinkled in the cutest way Dean had ever seen.</p><p>“Says the guy with a half mast in his pants,” Castiel quipped, pointing at Dean’s crotch. The tips of Dean’s ears turned red.</p><p>“Shut up,” Dean said, looking down at his jeans. He really did have a hardon. He was too pressed and still woozy from the wine to care so he instead he walked briskly into the bathroom to relieve himself.</p><p>When he came back, Castiel was sprawled on the bed, looking up, hands tucked behind his head. Dean joined him and did the same. They laid like that in silence, the only sound in the room being their breaths and outside, the hooting owls as well as a car horn here and there.</p><p>“Don’t you have to go?” Dean asked Castiel after a few minutes.</p><p>“Are you chasing me away?” Castiel asked, turning on his side so he could face Dean studying his profile. It was perfect too.</p><p>“No. I thought maybe you wanted to leave,” Dean said, feeling embarrassed for being rude to the one guy who had been so nice to him.</p><p>“If I wanted to leave, I would have left,” Castiel said matter-of-factly, reaching out his hand to touch Dean’s face but he retrieved it when Dean turned his face to look at him.</p><p>“Hmm,” Dean said, chuckling.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Nothing, you’re just funny,” Dean said facing away. Castiel smiled.</p><p>“I thought yesterday you told me I was not funny.”</p><p>“Am I not allowed to change my mind?” Dean asked, Castiel had heard enough of that question from Dean today, it was starting to get annoying.</p><p>“You are a free man. You can do whatever you want,” Castiel said with a sigh.</p><p>“Hmm.”</p><p>“What time is it anyway?”</p><p>“How would I know?”</p><p>“You travelled without a watch?” Castiel was shocked. Dean looked at him and then rolled his eyes.</p><p>“We use Lee’s.”</p><p>“How long has he been in love with you anyway?” Castiel asked out of nowhere. He started playing with the duvet between his fingers.</p><p>“Who?” Dean did not turn to look at him.</p><p>“Lee,” Castiel said, plainly.</p><p>“What?” Dean turned to face Castiel so fast, Castiel was worried he had snapped his neck.</p><p>“How long has he been…”</p><p>“I heard what you said, it's just that it’s incomprehensible. What gave you that idea?”</p><p>“I know these things,” Castiel looked at Dean’s face, searching for answers but he came up empty. He wanted to lift his hand to touch his face, but he restrained himself again.</p><p>“You know these things, huh? Because you are what? A fortune teller?”</p><p>“No. His body language and general demeanor towards me were clear enough.”</p><p>“What are you talking about, man? Lee is my best friend. Besides, he goes through women like a bullet train.”</p><p>“Nice analogy.”</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>“It wasn’t a compliment,” Castiel said, studying Dean.</p><p>“Ouch,” Dean scoffed.</p><p>“Dean,” Castiel sounded serious.</p><p>“Yes, Cas,” Dean turned to face him, his eyes searching Castiel’s face. Something was wrong.</p><p>“Do you <em>like</em> Lee?” Castiel asked, his voice soft, almost scared.</p><p>“Dude, I told you. He’s like my brother,” Dean frowned at him, and when Castiel looked at him, there was a passing cloud, like he was relieved to hear those words.</p><p>“Hmm,” Castiel snorted.</p><p>“I like you though,” Dean said genuinely, his eyes twinkling. The golden specks in them seemed to dance.</p><p>“I know,” Castiel said softly, this time, his hand reached out and touched Dean’s face. Dean leaned into the touch.</p><p>“But how?” Dean was confused.</p><p>“I told you I’m good at these things,” Castiel said, running the back of his hand against Dean’s smooth jawline.</p><p>“So, what now?” Dean asked, hopefully.</p><p>“Now, I get up and go home before Joshua gets angry,” Castiel’s tone changed to a neutral one as he sat up on the bed.</p><p>“Joshua?” Dean felt a tinge of jealousy creep up inside him. He was sure his eyes had turned greener.</p><p>“The owner of the ‘pimp mobile’,” Castiel explained when he saw Dean’s sullen face.</p><p>“Oh. I thought Joshua’s your boyfriend or something,” Dean laughed and his face brightened up when he realized Joshua was not Castiel’s love interest, fuck-buddy or whatever.</p><p>“He could be but he doesn’t swing that way,” Castiel teased, shrugging his shoulders.</p><p>“Oh,” Dean chortled.</p><p>“Stop saying that,” Castiel groaned</p><p>“Saying what?” Dean frowned.</p><p>“Oh,” Castiel sniggered.</p><p>“So I can’t express myself now?” Dean mocked.</p><p>“You can,” Castiel said, deciding not to expound further, he was still buzzed.</p><p>“Okay. You’re confusing me.”</p><p>“Must be the five bottles of wine we drank,” Castiel laughed. Dean sighed.</p><p>“Must be,” Dean said, lazily. He looked away from Castiel and faced up.</p><p>“Goodbye, Dean.”</p><p>“Bye, Cas.”</p><p>Castiel got off the bed, adjusted his now rumpled clothes and walked to the door.</p><p>“I’ll see you tomorrow evening. There is a party at the pool house at the same time as yesterday.”</p><p>“Another party?” Dean was shocked. <em>Were guests really allowed to throw that many parties?</em></p><p>“Make sure to drink lots of water tonight. Hangovers in the summer are a bitch,” Castiel advised with a serious look on his face. Dean gave him a small smile. Castiel smiled back as he held the door handle.</p><p>“Okay, thanks, Cas. For everything,” Dean said, sincerely.</p><p>“Goodnight, Dean.”</p><p>“Night, Cas.”</p><p>Castiel left again, leaving Dean behind to his own musings just like the night before. Wait. Dean had just admitted to Castiel that he liked him, but Castiel never said he liked him back too.<em> What was it with his beautiful man that made Dean blurt out everything. Also, Lee was in love with him? Is that why he had always been a jerk to anyone who got close to Dean?</em> That was a lot to unpack. Dean got a bottle of water from his mini fridge and a Snickers bar and thought about everything he had learned that day. He was also looking forward to seeing Castiel at the party the next day.</p><p> </p><p>When Castiel got home that night he was relieved to know that Joshua was not angry at him, in fact he was playing checkers with the other older men that worked at the vineyard. Since Castiel had not managed to fill his tank with gas, he gave him the money to do so which Joshua appreciated. He invited Castiel for a drink but Castiel declined and told him what had happened.</p><p>Once he was under the covers, he thought back to what had happened during the day. The way Dean’s eyes had twinkled with curiosity whenever Castiel gave them some new information about white wine. The way Dean licked his lips when a few drops of wine dripped from his mouth, his long tongue lapping it up, and the way he bit his lips after. Castiel knew Dean was subtly flirting with him but he wasn’t so subtle after all. Castiel saw right through him.</p><p>He remembered how Dean’s ass had rubbed against his groin when they slept until Castiel was hard and aching to be inside him, but Dean had pretended that he was surprised at seeing Castiel’s erection and more so his own. <em>That fucker</em>.</p><p>Castiel decided then and there, the next day when Dean showed up at the party, he was going to kiss him and, ultimately, fuck him because what Castiel Shurley could not allow was a gorgeous boy to wind him up and leave him high and dry. So he would kiss Dean and unless Dean pushed him away, he would fuck him. Then again, he was torn between wanting to fuck the shit out of Dean and to make love to him, sweet and slow. To watch him fall apart beneath him, or above him. He had even jerked off to that imagine over half a dozen times ever since he met Dean. He had never wanted anyone or anything so desperately.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments are highly appreciated. They keep me going :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy Holidays!!!<br/>A new Chapter will be up on Sunday.<br/>Enjoy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong>‘<em>I</em></strong> <em> <strong> won't kiss you. It might get to be a habit and I can't get rid of habits.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald.</strong> </em></p><p><br/>Dean had spent the morning nursing a small headache courtesy of the copious amounts of wine he had taken. Later in the afternoon, they had visited another vineyard, a smaller one that Castiel had recommended for red wine.</p><p>Gordon was excited, again just like the past few days and Dean seeing him like that made him happy too. Lee had not said much to him save for a few words when asking what kind of cab to call and telling Dean the time. Now, that Dean knew why, he couldn’t fault him but he thought Lee was being childish. He should’ve told him or at least acted maturely about it. However, Dean was not going to think about Lee, he was going to focus on Gordon, and on Castiel’s party later in the evening and have fun because that is what they had come to Europe to do. To learn and most of all, to have fun. Dean put his arms around Gordon and Lee as they walked to the vineyard as a very well informed guide named Estelle explained to them the process of red wine production.</p><p>Lee had declined going to Castiel’s party, feigning that he was tired, so maybe he would spend the evening with Claude. Dean did not mind, at least he would be with Gordon who was such a delight to be around because he minded his own business and was actually nice to people. Dean bid Lee goodbye as he and Gordon walked to the party. They had left their bikes behind since they figured they might get drunk and did not want to cause any accidents.</p><p>When they got to the party, it was the same as the first day they had been here, maybe even the same people. Gordon left Dean to go say hello to a few friends he had made the other night which left Dean alone feeling lost. Where was Cas? Dean wanted to ask Cas if he liked him too, but he needed some liquid courage to do so. He started walking towards the kitchen counter where alcohol was laid out when someone stopped him.</p><p>“You must be Dean,” a tall sturdy man said, clapping Dean on the shoulder.</p><p>“And you are?” Dean asked, trying hard not to shrug off the heavy hand off him.</p><p>“Uriel, Castiel’s best friend.”</p><p>“Pleasure to meet you, man. Haven’t met any of his friends,” Dean extended his hand to shake Uriel’s to get him to remove his heavy hand on the shoulder. Uriel looked at Dean’s hand as if contemplating whether to take it or not. After a beat, he took it into a firm handshake.</p><p>“I am all he’s got. And his sister Hannah, I guess,” Uriel said, putting his hands in his jeans looking around.</p><p>“Yeah, I figured he doesn’t like people much,” Dean agreed, Uriel gave him a pensive look as if to say,<em> ‘bitch you only met him two days ago you think you know him better than I do?’</em></p><p>“No, he doesn’t. But he likes you,” Uriel said, nonchalantly.</p><p>“He does?” Dean was perplexed, his hazel eyes grew wide.</p><p>“Yeah. He is...uh...complicated.”</p><p>“I’ve noticed. Where is he anyway?”</p><p>“In the gazebo. It’s right outside the pool next to the back gate. You will see it, there’s a narrow well- lit dirt road that leads there,” Uriel directed, eyeing Dean curiously.</p><p>“Thanks,” Dean said genuinely with a smile.</p><p>Uriel left after giving him a barely there smile. Dean was reeling over the fact that Castiel liked him too, maybe he could get to kiss him. After all, it was summer in France, wine country, being with a beautiful dark-haired boy would be the best thing he would ever do before going back home to an intolerant old grump who smelled like car grease. John would kill him if he ever found out about this, but who cared? He was nineteen and crazy about a boy he met three days ago by accident. Or was it fate? He couldn’t say, but all he wanted was to be with him. Now that he knew Castiel liked him too, he felt fearless. He took two shots of whisky that were being passed around by a guy wearing a toga and went outside to search for the blue-eyed man.</p><p> </p><p>✦✦✦</p><p> </p><p>Castiel stood by the gazebo staring at the moon that hung low in the clear night sky with a bottle of water in his hand. He had come here to gain clarity. Hannah had been right. He always went crazy over people, saying he’s different. She’s different. But he always discarded them after he had had them. He wanted Dean so bad it hurt but he was afraid that if he had him, he would leave him too.</p><p>Dean was different. He felt it in his bones. Different from Mick, from Daphne, from all of them. He even had a funny thought that somehow he would marry him someday, have a fairy tale ending, but he laughed at himself for his delusions. Maybe they could be together but marriage was a whole different monster to slay. First of all, he needed to kiss Dean. Where was he anyway?</p><p>“A loner, I see,” Dean said from behind Castiel.</p><p>“Always have been. I liked the quiet,” Castiel said, turning to look at Dean who wore a white T-shirt and blue jeans that seemed to hug him perfectly in all the right places. His bow legs were quite inviting in those jeans.</p><p>“Quit ogling me,” Dean said, a blush crawling to his cheeks.</p><p>“You make me sound like a pervert.”</p><p>“Are you?”</p><p>“I’m not going to justify that with an answer,” Castiel said, leaning his elbows on the side of the gazebo and peeked his head out to look at the sky. The moon was full and bright and the stars weren’t that visible. He sighed and felt Dean watching him, he smiled to himself. “Dean, why were you mad at me yesterday?”</p><p>“What?” Dean feigned surprise, his heart started thrumming in his chest and suddenly it was too hot.</p><p>“Please. Don’t act dumb now,” Castiel said, standing straight and looking at Dean who didn’t make eye contact with him. Dean put his hands in his pockets and started pacing the expanse of the gazebo.</p><p>“I wasn’t mad. Not exactly.”</p><p>“So then what were you not <em>exactly</em> mad about?” Castiel frowned, curious watching Dean. Dean cleared his throat, glanced at Cas and then looked away to the pool area with his back to Castiel.</p><p>“I just thought you wanted to spend time with me through ‘teaching’ Gordon,” Dean said, putting the air quotes when he said ‘teaching’.</p><p>“But I <em>did</em> spend time with you. You were acting all weird and saying you wanted to go read,” Castiel said, confused. Dean looked at him, their eyes meeting in the yellow glow of the lamp posts on either side of the gazebo.</p><p>“It wasn’t like that… I just…,” Dean looked away from Castiel. “Nevermind.”</p><p>“I <em>do</em> mind, actually,” Castiel said, walking briskly towards Dean standing behind him, he leaned flush onto Dean’s back and whispered to his ear, “I mind, alot, Dean.”</p><p>Dean’s breath quickened and his body suddenly got extremely hot. He needed an ice bath or to get out of his clothes immediately. He knew Castiel could see his flushed neck and the red ear tips and even hear his strained breath. In that moment, he knew he wanted Castiel and his hard body leaning against him without any barriers like clothes between them.</p><p>“Can we uh...can we go somewhere more private? Dean managed to choke out. His jeans were getting uncomfortably tight at the crotch area and he really wanted to get out of them.</p><p>Castiel pulled away from Dean’s body and tugged his hand, “Sure, follow me.”</p><p>Castiel held Dean’s hand and led him around the gazebo to the back door of the pool house. There were a few drunk people that did not pay them any attention as they went down a long corridor into a bedroom that was scarcely decorated save for a large bookshelf and a king size bed with a black duvet on it and two bedside tables with lamps on them on either side of the bed.</p><p>Castiel turned on the lights and watched Dean who was standing sheepishly at the foot of the bed. He was looking at Castiel who stood by the door.</p><p>“What?” Dean asked, blushing. The blush made his freckles stand out under the soft glow of the light in the room.</p><p>“You are just about the most beautiful human being I have ever seen.”</p><p>“No, I am not.”</p><p>“Oh Dean. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”</p><p>“We just met a few days ago,” Dean was blushing so hard, and the bulge in his jeans which had subsided from their walk from the gazebo to Castiel’s room was starting to swell again.</p><p>“And?” Castiel asked, suggestively.</p><p>“You can’t say such things to me,” Dean replied shyly.</p><p>“Yes I can. Even if I could’ve somehow lived a millenia wandering the earth, I am sure I would never have found anyone as beautiful as you.”</p><p>“Cas, you can’t just keep saying things like that to me and expect me to take you seriously.”</p><p>“How old are you anyway?” Castiel asked, changing the subject. Dean was taken aback by that but he did not want to show his disappointment.</p><p>“Nineteen. I turn twenty in January.”</p><p>“Hmm,” Castiel bit his bottom lip and started walking suggestively towards Dean like a lion stalking its prey.</p><p>“Why?” Dean asked, in a shaky breath as he looked at Castiel’s pink full mouth that seemed to be inching closer to his with every second.</p><p>“Because, I wanted to be sure before I did this…,” Castiel said, crushing their lips together.</p><p>Dean must’ve been shocked because his whole body tensed up and he stood there rigidly, his lips sealed shut not letting Castiel in in spite of his attempts to slip his tongue in.</p><p>“I am sorry, Dean. I thought….,” Castiel said, pulling away from Dean and looking away. He wasn’t ashamed or angry but rather confused by Dean’s actions.</p><p>“Cas, don’t be. It’s just I...I like you. Of course I like you. It’s just that, I have never kissed a guy before.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Stop saying oh,” Dean said with a serious note in his voice. He seemed nervous.</p><p>“Okay,” Castiel said, raising his hands half way in surrender and then putting them down again. His blue eyes met darting hazel ones and held their gaze.</p><p>“I just, I was just shocked. I wasn’t ready. Do it again,” Dean said again, his eyes still nervous but there was a slight twinkle in there.</p><p>“No, you do it,” Castiel challenged.</p><p>“Uh,” Dean fidgeted playing with his hands and looking anywhere but at Castiel.</p><p>“Just go for it, Dean,” Castiel repeated with the most reassuring voice he could master.</p><p>It was like somehow Castiel giving Dean permission to kiss him had given Dean the confidence he needed. Dean kissed him with fervour, his pouty pink lips on Castiel’s equally full ones as their tongues danced together. The kiss wasn’t perfect and there were a few instances that their teeth clashed, but it was everything Castiel had imagined it would be.</p><p>“Wanna get out of these clothes?” Dean asked, his face red, freckles standing out more than Castiel had ever seen them as he tugged on Castiel’s shirt.</p><p>“Don’t you think that is moving too fast, Dean. Didn’t we just meet a few days ago?” Castiel teased, his azure orbs twinkling with mischief. Dean’s hazel eyes were dark with desire, and that made Castiel weak.</p><p>“Shut up and kiss me,” Dean said, angling towards Castiel’s lips teasing them with his tongue.</p><p>Castiel did not need any more convincing, he kissed Dean so hard he thought he might’ve bruised his lips. Dean did not pull away but instead kissed him back with just as much passion. Within minutes, their clothes were flying all over the room, and soon enough they stood stark naked looking at each other. Castiel’s tan body was magnificent with the most beautiful clavicles Dean had ever seen and the right amount of chest hair. His shoulder blades looked like a pair of wings belonged there.</p><p>Dean stood there blushing and trying to hide his abdomen with his hand. His chest flushed pink, as well as his neck, his cheeks, and all the way to the tips of his ears. He had a lot more freckles on his body that Castiel vowed he would spend the entire night counting.</p><p>“Why are you hiding your stomach? I want to see all of you,” Castiel said, gently pulling Dean’s away from his abdomen.</p><p>“It’s pudgy and I hate it,” Dean had a pained look in his eyes when he said that. Castiel tried looking into them but Dean looked away hugging his stomach tighter.</p><p>“Let me be the judge of that.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Dean, you have to let go if we are going to do this. Please.”</p><p>Dean removed his hands and Castiel looked at his flawless abdomen. He then got on his knees and left a trail of soft kisses there causing Dean’s huge cock to perk up and ooze with precome. Castiel lapped at the pre-come and licked Dean’s swollen tip making Dean’s legs buckle but Castiel held him in place by holding and kneading his ass.</p><p>“You are perfect, Dean. Perfect,” Castiel said while he kissed from Dean’s stomach to his leaking cock, and ro his toned, strong things. He had freckles everywhere and Castiel loved it.</p><p>“Cas,” Dean moaned as Castiel swallowed him whole and started bobbing up and down on his throbbing cock. Cas sucked Dean off as he alternated between playing with his balls and jerking him off. He removed his mouth with a pop with a stray string of pre-come and saliva trailing his now swollen pink lips and he licked Dean’s cock from his balls to his tip over and over again while jerking him off. Just as Castiel was about to put his hot, wet mouth on Dean’s tip again, Dean came, coating Castiel’s lips, chin, and hand with his come, screaming Castiel’s name. Cas. If anyone heard them, they did not care.</p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>, Cas, what are you doing?” Dean asked, trying to catch his breath as he watched Castiel lick his come off of his hand while scooping whatever was on his chin and licking it too.</p><p>“Tasting you. You taste amazing by the way.”</p><p>“Thanks, can I…?” Dean asked, motioning to the bed, he was panting but had a lazy smile on his face.</p><p>“Yeah sure, get on the bed before your legs give out.”</p><p>Dean obliged as he crawled on the bed and laid facing upwards, his legs sprawled. Castiel desperately wanted to get between them.</p><p>“What about you?” Dean asked, referring to Castiel getting off.</p><p>“Don’t you worry about me, Dean. I just like seeing you happy, ” Castiel said, running his hands through his hair, his cock was still hard. Castiel joined him on the bed and kissed him senseless, Dean was breathless.</p><p>“Have you ever done that before?,” Castiel asked, sincerely. He genuinely wanted to know.</p><p>“Once or twice, in the locker room with uh...this guy on the football team. But he uh..he graduated and left for college last year. So…”</p><p>“And how far did you guys go?”</p><p>“Just exchanged a few handies and I gave him a blow job, once,” Dean said, giving Castiel a shy smile. Castiel smiled back and ran his thumb on Dean’s cheek. Dean closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of the soft thumb on his equally soft skin.</p><p>“Did he return the favour?” Dean’s cheeks turned rosy and Castiel loved it, he started counting the freckles on his nose when Dean’s green eyes looked up at him. When their eyes met, Dean looked away.</p><p>“Cas,” Dean was blushing now hiding his face in his hands.</p><p>“What? I’m curious, come on tell me,” Castiel said, removing Dean’s hands from his eyes.</p><p>“Yes. Yes, okay he returned the favour. Happy now?”</p><p>“Did you <em>like</em> him?”</p><p>“Yes. A lil’ bit. But he just wanted to have sex. He kept saying just because we were jerking each other off didn’t mean he was gay,” Dean had a regertful look on his face.</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Don’t be, I get where he was coming from,” Dean said, glancing at Castiel and then looking away. Castiel figured that there was something to uncover there, something dark and painful but he didn’t want to pry, so he changed the direction of the conversation to what had just happened between them.</p><p>“Was what we just did okay?”</p><p>“It was the best I’ve ever had,” Dean said, inching closer, kissing Castiel. The kiss started getting heated but Dean pulled away to continue. “The girls I’ve been with didn’t use the right amount of pressure and the quarterback was...let’s just say, he wasn’t you.”</p><p>“Is that a compliment?” Castiel’s cheeks were turning rosy and one could see that he was in spite of his tan.</p><p>“Yes,” Dean was blushing.</p><p>“So, what do you want to do tonight?”</p><p>“Anything. Everything.”</p><p>“No, you little perv, I meant do you want to go back to the party. Or should I take you home?”</p><p>“What? I thought we were doing more of what we just did,” Dean’s face fell and there was a dark pit forming in his stomach.</p><p>“Some other time. I’m beat.”</p><p>“Is it something I said? Or did?.”</p><p>“It’s not like that. I spent the whole day helping Philip organize the wine cellar and let’s just say organizing and sorting over a thousand bottles of wine in a day can take a lot out of a man,” Castiel yawned and rubbed his eyes.</p><p>“I can only imagine.”</p><p>“No you can’t.”</p><p>They both chuckled as Dean got out of bed and started dressing up trying to find his clothes where they had been strewn all over the room.</p><p>“I will go back to the party then Gordon and I can walk to the boarding house. Is it safe?”</p><p>“I’ll ask Joshua to drive you. I’ll give him a call at the servant quarters.”</p><p>“Don’t trouble him.”</p><p>“Trust me, he loves it when I owe him one.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“See you tomorrow, Dean,” Castiel said smiling at Dean from where he now sat on the bed to watch Dean dress up. His erection had subsided but watching Dean was making it perk with interest.</p><p>“We’ll see,” Dean said, biting his bottom lip, seductively.</p><p>“You will be here, in my arms. I know it,” Castiel countered in an equally suggestive voice.</p><p>“How'd you figure that out?”</p><p>“I can see into your soul, remember?”</p><p>“Is that so? And what do you see?”</p><p>“That all you want is me,” Castiel was leaning his head on his hand as he lay naked on the bed, watching Dean.</p><p>“Ha!” Dean shook his head in disbelief and gave Castiel a quick kiss on the lips and walked to the door.</p><p>“Night, Cas.”</p><p>“Goodnight, Dean.”</p><p> </p><p>✦✦✦</p><p> </p><p>That night after Joshua drove Dean and Gordon home, they both stood at Dean’s door chatting away about the events of the night.</p><p>“So, I met this girl, Bela Talbot, she is some sort of heiress or something. She also wants to start a chain of restaurants and said we should link up,” Gordon said excitedly, a huge grin on his face making his angular jaw more prominent. His skin was a beautiful rich chocolate colour that Dean wished he could touch. He didn’t want to seem weird. so he had never asked, but was just curious. He wondered how anyone could hate Gordon, especially because of his skin colour that looked like melted dark chocolate.</p><p>“I am so happy for you buddy,” Dean said, sincerely. They were silent for a beat and then they both chuckled.</p><p>“So, what is going on between you and Cas?” Gordon asked in almost a whisper. Dean’s eyes widened in shock and his mouth opened in equal measure.</p><p>“Shhh...you want Lee to hear you? Dean stopped him before he could continue. “Nothing... nothing’s going on, okay.” Dean’s palms were sweaty and his mouth felt dry all over sudden. He was scared.</p><p>“If you ever need to talk,” Gordon assured, giving Dean a knowing smile, Dean smiled back nervously.</p><p>“Of course,” Dean replied as Gordon went in for a hug. They hugged each other for a long moment then patted each other on their backs, hard. After they separated, Dean said, “I’m glad you are having fun, buddy. I really am.”</p><p>“I know. Goodnight.”</p><p>“Night, G. See you tomorrow.”</p><p>Tomorrow would be their final day to visit the vineyards that Castiel had recommended to them, after that they would be free to leave, cutting down their ten day tour here to five days. Dean was not sure what was going to happen but he knew he didn’t want to go back home yet, he wanted to spend every waking moment with Castiel especially after their tryst tonight. He could hear John’s angry voice barking in the back of his head, but he was in France, and what happened when the cat was away, the mouse need never know.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shmoop and more smut.<br/>Enjoy :)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>New Chapter coming on New Year's Day!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong> <em>“All the universe laboured to bring us together. The rest is up to us.” -Beau Taplin</em> </strong>
</p>
<p><br/>
A soft knock on Dean’s door stirred him awake. He didn’t know what time it was, but from the sunlight in his room, he knew it was morning. He had the best night sleep after Joshua had driven him and Gordon back to the boarding house some time after midnight. He had gone to check on Castiel before left, but he was already asleep. Dean had wanted to kiss him but he figured it would be intrusive, so he had blown a kiss at the sleeping beauty and left with a smile on his face.</p>
<p>“Come in,” he summoned, figuring it had to be Gordon or Lee, so he got out of bed topless only wearing his boxers.</p>
<p>“Uhm...Dude, wear a shirt,” Lee said, covering his eyes, but Dean had not missed the suggestive look that Lee had given him looking at his frame and licked his lips.</p>
<p>“Good morning to you too,” Dean said with a laugh, pulling on a T-shirt, “Can I help you with something?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, can we talk?” Lee asked, a serious look on his face tucking his hair behind his ears. Dean hated it when he did that. Why couldn’t he get rid of his hair? He looked like Tarzan, and not in a sexy way.</p>
<p>“You woke me up to talk?” Dean sighed, he was not in the mood to talk, whatever that meant. However, knowing Lee it would be something along the lines of, <em>you should stop hanging out with that Castiel guy, what do you even know about him blah blah blah.</em> He was not in the mood for Lee’s bullshit, at least not this early.</p>
<p>“Jesus, man. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore,” Lee said, taking a seat on Dean’s unmade bed.</p>
<p>“What do you mean? I’m the same guy you met in third grade all those years ago,” Dean said, looking at Lee with a confused look on his face.</p>
<p>“No, man,” Lee shook his head and watched Dean pull up a pair of jeans. “Something has changed. We haven't even hung out since we came here.”</p>
<p>It dawned on Dean that Lee was maybe referring to Castiel, and knowing Lee and his intolerance of <em>faggots</em>, as he and John liked to refer to gay people so often, he decided to tread carefully. If he somehow found out about him and Castiel, especially after their activities the previous night, he didn’t want to imagine what would happen.</p>
<p>“I know, man. I mean, we got here, and all we’ve done is go to visit vineyards…” Dean said, putting his hands in his pocket and walking to sit next to Lee on the bed.</p>
<p>“And go to parties that that Casteel guy throws,” Lee sneered. Dean was right to worry but he did not want to take the bait. He knew that Lee had mispronounced Castiel’s name intentionally to bait him, but Dean did not comment on it. He let it slide though it irked him that Lee was being such a dick.</p>
<p>“How about we hang out just the three of us tonight after visiting the last vineyard today?” Dean asked, hesitantly..</p>
<p>“Oh, you know I would like to do that, but I had promised Claude a fun night tonight in the village. There’s this Italian restaurant that she loves, and I thought I could take her.”</p>
<p>“Ooooo...look who’s becoming all romantic and <em>shit,”</em> Dean teased. Lee blushed and managed a smile.</p>
<p>“You know, I heard what you and Gordon said about how I treat women, so I thought I’d try a different approach this time and see how things would turn out,” Lee said, shrugging running a hand through his hair.</p>
<p>“That’s good to hear, man. See? I knew something good would come out of this trip,” Dean smirked slapping Lee on the arm a little too hard. Lee looked at him with a tinge of sadness in his eyes.</p>
<p>“Since we are visiting the last vineyard today, does that mean we have to leave?” Lee asked, unsmiling. Dean looked at him, astonished at having not realized that the days had moved so fast. Today was day five of their ten day tour in the wine countryside.</p>
<p>“I hadn’t even thought about that. We can hang around a bit. See other surrounding areas. I don’t know. We still have what, five days left before we leave for Paris again?” Dean asked, hoping that his idea would appease his friend.</p>
<p>“Yeah, sure. Whatever you wanna do man.” Lee muttered not looking at Dean at all. Dean could sense that Lee did not take his idea well but he was out of options, what else could he do?</p>
<p>“I’ll talk to Gordon, and then we can see how to go about it. But I bet you’ll want to stay the extra five days just to be close to Claude,” Dean said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.</p>
<p>“Yeah yeah,” Lee said with a small smile, dismissing Dean’s antics. “Let me go get ready for the day. I’ll see you at breakfast.”</p>
<p>“Okay buddy,” Dean said, giving Lee a side-hug before he left the room, and Dean was left pondering about their conversation as he got ready for the day ahead.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The day went better than Dean had expected. They rode their bikes to a small family-owned vineyard that specialized in champagne, and he had so much fun with Gordon and Lee that he forgot about Castiel for a while. He joined his friends in the wine tasting and they took so many random pictures of each other and even had photos of the three of them taken by some of the tourists. It was just Dean, Gordon and Lee with no bickering or fights, just friends having fun.</p>
<p>By the time they got back, it was four-thirty in the afternoon. They were all tired so they decided to go to their rooms to shower and relax before supper. After Dean got out of the shower, he found a note with his name written in cursive on the white envelope. There was no stamp on the envelope so it had to be from one of his friends, Cas, or a local. In his heart, he knew who he wanted it to be from. He opened the letter, curiosity perking his interest, and he smiled when he saw who it was from.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Dean read and re-read the note almost half a dozen times with a smile on his face, his heart pounding in his chest and butterflies fluttering in his stomach. <em>Why did Cas want to see him? Did he want to have sex? What did it all mean?</em> It was still early so he decided to sleep and hoped that when Gordon woke him up for supper at 7:00 o’clock, he would be in a better shape to face Castiel. Lee had gone on a date with Claude so Dean was not expecting him till late, or maybe he would get lucky and end up spending the night at Claude’s.</p>
<p>Dean laid down in his bed for a nap but the next time he woke up, someone was throwing pebbles at his window. He woke up groggily to see who it was and Castiel was standing at the foot of the building with a grin on his face when he saw Dean’s head peek out of the window. Castiel was waving at Dean with both hands and he pointed at the direction of the pool, Dean nodded. He realized that he had napped in his boxers so he changed into a pair of jeans and a fabric-softener smelling T-shirt that felt so good on his skin, wore his sneakers and went downstairs by the pool.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was quiet in the boarding house, and the only noise was from the refrigerator and the cooler that thrummed loudly in the kitchen. The receptionist was asleep at her desk, and the only person that was awake was the security guard who sat by the main door reading a French poetry book. The security guard nodded at Dean in recognition and Dean nodded back. The clock in the common area indicated that it was 10:00 o’clock, it was still early for there to be no one around but Dean figured it was one of those days when everyone just turned in early.</p>
<p>The pool was mostly hidden from the public. Residents of the boarding house could see it from their room windows, but everyone’s window appeared dark and the curtains drawn. Castiel was standing by the pool, a lamp post behind him, it’s glow making it appear as if he had a halo. He stood there watching the pool absentmindedly while playing with his car keys. He was wearing white linen pants and a short sleeved floral shirt that hugged his chest perfectly exposing his toned arms and completed the ensemble with white sneakers. <em>Fuck</em>. The only French word that Dean knew that could describe Castiel at that moment was <em>magnifique</em>.</p>
<p>When Castiel saw Dean, he smiled slyly, walking towards him seductively and gave him a time stopping kiss. For a single moment, Dean lost himself in the kiss and in Castiel’s hot soft mouth and his lemon-grass smell. Dean’s arms automatically wrapped around Castiel. Castiel pulled him flush to his chest, and they kissed as if their lives depended on it.</p>
<p>Something rustled in the bushes near the pool and Dean withdrew from the kiss abruptly, detangling himself from Castiel, and taking a step back then looked around. He saw a cat running after what he assumed was a mouse. Nothing to worry about.</p>
<p>“That was uh…” Dean stammered as he tried to gain his composure, looking at Castiel with a smile on his face.</p>
<p>“Yeah, that was something,” Castiel reiterated with a smirk and touched his lips. “You are an amazing kisser.”</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Dean replied, shyly biting his bottom lip and looking at Castiel intently. “I got your note. I’m sorry I overslept. I wasn’t planning on missing this.”</p>
<p>“It’s alright, Dean. I just wanted to see you since today was your last touring date, and I didn’t want you to leave without seeing you,” Castiel said, something akin to sadness crossing his face, but he managed to play it off with a smile.</p>
<p>“You blow me one time,” Dean quipped trying to soften the dull mood that was beginning to creep in.</p>
<p>Castiel smiled again and looked away.</p>
<p>“So, when are you leaving?” Castiel asked as he walked towards the seats that sat vacant at the back porch and sat down. Dean followed suit.</p>
<p>“I mean, our stay was ten days, so we still have five more days of our tour left before we head to Paris for three days and fly home on the last day,” Dean said, looking at Castiel who was waiting in anticipation.</p>
<p>“So what does that mean?” Castiel asked, his voice a little shaky afraid to add <em>for us</em>.</p>
<p>Dean eyed him for a second, as if contemplating something and then he said, “Honestly, I don’t know what it means. All I know is that I don’t want to leave, yet.”</p>
<p>“Thank God!” Castiel blurted out excitedly, his blue eyes brighter than Dean had seen them and a gummy grin on his face. Dean could almost taste the excitement in the air but then Castiel gained his composure and said more softly, “ I’m glad, Dean.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know what my friends have planned though. We haven’t discussed it. All I know is that Lee wouldn’t mind staying for Claude, and Gordon is accommodating, so there’s a possibility they will want to stay too.”</p>
<p>“How about I make it worth your while if you stay?” Castiel asked after pondering for a little while.</p>
<p>“How?” Dean asked, curiously.</p>
<p>Castiel turned his seat to face Dean and held his gaze, a smile tugging at his lips, “How do you feel about nature? Hiking? Bird watching? The whole thing.”</p>
<p>“I love adventures. It doesn’t really matter. Why?” Dean asked, curiously.</p>
<p>“There’s this place called Auvergne. It is the most beautiful place you will ever see. Mountains, trees, birds, cycling, horseback riding, you name it. There’s even a film festival that happens around this time if you are into that. I could take you there. You <em>and</em> your friends, of course, if they want to come,” Castiel finished, excitedly. Dean was watching him with a smile on his face. He was beaming.</p>
<p>“Yes! I want to go. I love horses,” Dean said, excited. Castiel cupped his face and showered it with so many kisses that Dean had to push him away because it was tickling him, and he couldn’t breathe from all the giggles.</p>
<p>After they had caught their breath and calmed down, Castiel knelt down next to Dean’s seat and kissed him again this time softly. The kisses quickly got heated when Castiel started running his hands under Dean’s shirt and tweaked his left nipple. Dean moaned into the kiss and Castiel went to kiss his neck gently. Dean was falling apart from Castiel’s mouth and hands teasing him. Castiel liked hearing Dean unravelling next to him, he stopped kissing his neck and started kissing along his jaw.</p>
<p>“My room, now,” Dean panted, running his hands in Castiel’s hair and pulling him closer. His jeans were too tight, but he didn’t really care if anyone saw that he was hard. All he wanted was to feel Castiel on him again.</p>
<p>They stood up and walked briskly towards the entrance of the boarding house mainly to get to Dean’s room faster and to also hide their erections. At that moment Dean was on an all time high, his heart was pounding and he felt lightheaded, maybe that was from all his blood rushing to his cock but he was so happy that he did not really care about anything other than Castiel. Lee could’ve seen him rocking a hardon for Castiel, but he couldn’t have cared less whether he told John or not. The security guard was no longer at his post, and Dean assumed that he was making his rounds.</p>
<p>As soon as they were in Dean’s room, they got rid of their clothes in record time. Dean looked at Castiel with lust-filled eyes, pupils dilated that there was only a tiny ring of green left, he licked his lips seductively and pushed Castiel on the bed. He made sure to cover every inch of his skin with wet kisses as he worked his way down his body he took him in his mouth and sucked him off for all he was worth. Castiel tried to hold off from coming too fast but Dean’s was so hot, wet and perfect that he did not last long and he came in Dean’s mouth embarrassingly fast. Dean unpredictably swallowed every last drop of Castiel’s come, he had never done that before, but he didn’t particularly <em>dislike</em> the taste.</p>
<p>Before Castiel had fully recovered, he flipped them over so Dean was lying on his back, and he kissed him with fervor. He licked into Dean’s mouth, tasting himself but he didn’t mind. He loved the taste of Dean mixed with his own cum. It turned him on, making his spent dick start to stir.</p>
<p>He kissed Dean’s neck, which seemed to be his weak spot. Castiel smiled and tucked away that information for later. He nibbled on his ear while he lazily fisted Dean’s cock that was steadily dripping precome. Dean was a writhing mess and was groaning incoherently by the time Castiel started licking his nipples. He removed his mouth from Dean’s body and sat back down on his heels and watched Dean sprawled before his like a god; legs splayed open, body flushed, his pink pouty mouth slightly open, his eyes dark with a storm of passion raging behind them, <em>fuck</em>! Castiel ran hands along Dean’s thighs as he bent down and took Dean’s balls in his mouth as he jerked Dean off his thumb playing with his velvety tip and without warning, he felt Dean convulse and come with a whimper. Castiel felt the hot liquid coat his hand and some caught in his hair. He milked Dean dry and removed his balls from his mouth.</p>
<p>“You came in my hair,” Castiel snorted as he touched the wet spot on his head, Dean lay blissed out. Castiel crawled up and lay next to him.</p>
<p>“Wha..what?” Dean panted, turning to look at Castiel’s hair, “ ‘m so sorry Cas.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay, but we are a mess. We need to take a shower,” Castiel laughed, getting up and dragging Dean with him. Dean was non-compliant. “Dean.”</p>
<p>“I need to sleep,” Dean groaned as he swayed his head back and forth to show how he couldn’t keep his body up. Having had enough of Dean’s whining, Castiel picked him up and carried him on his shoulders. Dean yelped, but they were already in the bathroom before he could fight Castiel hard enough to let him down.</p>
<p>“You are not a very nice person, Cas,” Dean grumbled, he was seated on the toilet seat while Castiel adjusted the water temperature on the shower. Castiel shook his head and motioned for Dean to get in when he was satisfied that it was the perfect temperature, he was met with some resistance, but he finally managed to get Dean under the spray of warm water. Dean seemed to relax after a short while when he felt the water hit his skin.</p>
<p>“Not a nice person, huh?” Castiel teased as he shampooed Dean’s hair. Dean grunted. “You know you love that I’m taking care of you.”</p>
<p>“I admit that I was wrong, this once,” Dean smiled, Castiel spanked his ass and Dean poked him. “Quit playing and rinse my hair before this shampoo gets in my eyes.”</p>
<p>Castiel obliged, running his hands in Dean’s soapy tresses and watched the water rinse the suds out. Dean returned the favor cleaning Castiel’s thick dark hair and made sure that the come was thoroughly rinsed out. They cleaned themselves up, but Castiel stopped Dean before he was done.</p>
<p>“No, let me,” Castiel said, squirting showergel on Dean’s shower sponge and started cleaning him up. Dean let out a needy moan when Castiel ran the soft sponge along his ass cheeks and ultimately his crack. Dean moaned at the touch. He had never had anyone wash him let alone in one of his most intimate places. Castiel then moved his other hand to pump Dean’s cock which was slightly thickening from the sensation and then cupped his balls. Dean moaned. The sponge moved from his crack, below his balls to his perineum and then up and down his crack again.</p>
<p>“Cas, Cas, please,” Dean begged, Castiel was unrelenting in his ministrations of his erotic bath.</p>
<p>“Please what, Dean?” he whispered in Dean's ear, flicking his tongue along Dean’s earlobe and kept on teasing him. Dean was a mess, trying to back into the sponge between his cheeks but it was not enough. He wanted Castiel to touch him with his fingers there, he wanted to feel him, all of him inside him. He was a virgin and had never let anyone touch him there let alone fuck him, but he knew at that moment that he wanted Castiel to be his first.</p>
<p>“Please...just touch me. Jus...just <em>fuck</em> me. Please, Cas,” Dean begged shamelessly and Castiel’s knees almost gave under him. He steadied himself by leaning his chest to Dean’s back and continued cleaning him up, he had an idea.</p>
<p>“No, baby. Not now, not like this, I have a better idea,” he muttered into Dean’s ear and nibbled on the soft part of his earlobe.</p>
<p>“Wha...what?” Dean panted, confused but enjoying Castiel’s fingers as they tapped at his puckered hole a few times making him hard and his hole twitch in anticipation.</p>
<p>Castiel ran the sponge along his crack and his balls one last time then rinsed him off, wrapped a towel around Dean’s waist and then his own. Once they were out of the bathroom, Castiel pulled Dean towards him and kissed him gently on the lips and then moved to his neck, Dean moaned against him as their cocks rubbed against each other restrained by their towels. They both got rid of the towels and Castiel lifted Dean so he was holding him against his abdomen, Dean wrapped his legs around Castiel’s waist kissing him along his jaw as Castiel carried him to the bed and placed him gently on the mattress.</p>
<p>They went through the same motions as earlier; Castiel kissing every inch of Dean’s body but something was different this time, Castiel had this look in his eyes like the sun had risen there and Dean felt a fire light up in his chest and spread to his stomach giving life to butterflies that fluttered away there.</p>
<p>Before he moved onto the main event, Castiel blew raspberries on Dean’s stomach making him burst out in giggles. Castiel was happy hearing Dean giggle because he knew that at that moment, he wasn’t worried about his stomach being pudgy like had the previous day.</p>
<p>“If I do something you are not comfortable with, you can stop me at any time, okay?” Castiel told Dean a serious look on his face from where he peeked from Dean’s stomach.</p>
<p>“Okay, Cas,” Dean nodded, Castiel smiled at him adoringly.</p>
<p>Castiel kissed Dean’s stomach and his thighs then lifted legs to his chest and licked from his tight hole all the way up to the tip of his cock and Dean howled. Worrying that people could overhear them, Castiel put two fingers in Dean’s mouth so he could suck on them. Dean was so eager to take anything that Castiel gave him that he sucked on his fingers without a word as he moaned and swirled his tongue around them.</p>
<p>Knowing what he had to do, Castiel went back to licking Dean as he had been before from his tight, puckered hole all the way to his tip. Dean’s legs shook as he writhed and moaned in pleasure. Castiel did that a few more times until Dean was a whimpering mess and then he took him in his mouth and sucked him off with his thumb teasing his perineum and that did it. Dean came in Castiel’s mouth, moaning around Castiel’s fingers that were still in his mouth, and his legs shaking from where they were folded. Once Castiel was done, he took his rapidly softening cock from his mouth and laid next to him. Dean was making small pleasurable whimpers as he stretched his legs and put his arm over his eyes.</p>
<p>Castiel laid on his side watching Dean. His pouty mouth was slightly open, his lips were pink and slightly swollen, and his chest was heaving. He ran his hand along Dean’s torso and kissed his cheek. Dean removed his arm from his eyes and glanced at Castiel with a smile.</p>
<p>“That was the most amazing sex I have ever had,” he said softly, turning to lay on his side to face Castiel as well. Castiel smiled, caressing Dean’s arm.</p>
<p>“I am glad,” he smiled.</p>
<p>They kissed for a while until they were both out of breath and had to come up for air. Dean huffed and worried his bottom lip. Castiel was worried.</p>
<p>“What is it? You can tell me anything, I won’t judge you,” Castiel was eyeing Dean who was looking at him shyly.</p>
<p>“That thing you did with your tongue to my uh...you know,” Dean stuttered. “Doesn’t it disgust you?” Dean scrunched his nose. It was the cutest thing Castiel had ever seen.</p>
<p>“You mean me eating you out?” Castiel laughed. Dean nodded, closing his eyes as if to hide his embarrassment. His face and chest were still flushed from their activities, but Castiel could tell he was blushing.</p>
<p>“I loved doing it to you. You taste so good,” Castiel gushed, kissing Dean’s nose. Dean could smell his musky scent on Castiel’s lips. He didn’t really know how to feel about it, but the kisses felt good. “Did you like it?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” he muttered and Castiel kissed his nose again. Dean opened his eyes and stared into the ocean of blue that was looking right back at him.</p>
<p>“Good,” Castiel smirked, keeping that information in mind for their next tryst. He kissed Dean who was yawning beside him.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Dean said, shyly.</p>
<p>“Now, get some sleep. We have a big day tomorrow,” Castiel said, pulling Dean to his chest. Dean snuggled close to him. Castiel pulled a light blanket over them and let Dean’s soft breaths lull him to sleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>An adventure awaits.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Next Chapter will be up on Sunday.</p><p>Enjoy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong><em>“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.” -Franz Kafka</em>.</strong>
</p><p><br/>Castiel had woken up a little after five O’clock that morning with his arms wrapped around Dean’s warm lean body. Dean had woken up shortly after and they had a makeout session. They gave each other mind-blowing orgasms where Castiel fucked between Dean’s thighs as he jerked Dean off.</p><p>“That was an amazing way to wake up,” Dean smiled from where he lay in bed in Castiel’s arms, Castiel smiled back at him running his fingers up and down Dean’s hand then kissed his hair. Dean wished he could wake up every day like this, wrapped up in Castiel’s strong tan arms, soft lips on his, and a mindblowing orgasm that he didn’t give himself.</p><p>“You’re welcome,” Castiel laughed. “So, I was thinking that maybe we should go to Auvergne and stay for like three days then when we come back I can show you...and your friends around Jura.”</p><p>“That sounds like a good idea. I’d love that. I’m sure they will love it too, and Lee can bring Claude,” Dean gushed, the glee evident in his voice even if Castiel could not see his face from where it was buried in Castiel’s chest.</p><p>“Of course, bring everyone,” Castiel snorted and Dean punched him playfully on the arm. He wished he could spend some time alone with Dean and get to know him but it seemed like Dean and his friends came as a package deal, so he had to enjoy the little stolen moments they had.</p><p>“I’ll let them know, “ Dean murmured after a beat. The truth was, he wished he had more alone time with Castiel too, but he didn’t want to voice his thoughts and seem clingy or like a bad friend for choosing Castiel over his two best friends, so he pushed that thought away.</p><p>“Alright then. I’ll pick you guys around ten o’clock,” Castiel said as he untangled himself from Dean and got out of bed.</p><p>“Where are you going?” Dean whined, missing Castiel’s warmth.</p><p>“I have to go get ready, dummy. Besides, you don’t want your friends to see me sneaking out of your room, do you?” Dean felt a jab of pain in his gut when Castiel said that. He hated keeping secrets from his friends, but this was too big and he needed something for himself because he had shared everything all his life. What he and Castiel had was all his.</p><p>“Okay,” Dean huffed and snuggled into Castiel’s pillow as he watched him dress up. The pillow smelled like citrus, a smell that Dean associated with Castiel now. He would never eat an orange or a lemon or smell lemongrass without thinking of the blue-eyed angel.</p><p>“Goodbye sweetheart,” Castiel kissed him on the cheek and ran his nuzzled along his jaw, he desperately wanted to tell Dean he loved him, he had fallen in love somehow over the past five days, but he knew it was too soon and he did not want to freak him out. He swallowed the words that had danced seductively at the tip of his tongue and kissed him again. “Get some sleep, I’ll see you soon.”</p><p>After Castiel left, Dean could not sleep because Castiel’s pillow reminded him of what he was missing. Instead of going back to sleep, he git out of bed, showered, and grabbed his soiled bed sheets from the bed and put them in the laundry basket they had been provided with. He then met Gordon and Lee for breakfast and told them about the trip to Auvergne.</p><p>“I’m sorry, man. I’m hanging out with Claude,” Lee said unapologetically. He smirked while wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. Dean and Gordon shook their heads with knowing smiles on their faces.</p><p>“I guess last night went well,” Dean retorted, knowing full well that it did. Lee nodded his head with a mischievous grin and bit into his toast.</p><p>“A gentleman never kisses and tells,” Lee quipped.</p><p>“Since when?” Gordon asked, bewildered.</p><p>“I don’t know, since I met Claude, I just feel different, plus everything you guys have been telling me for years kind of resonated, you know? I realized I didn’t want to be a jerk anymore,” Lee answered, smiling at Gordon. Gordon scoffed and looked at Dean who in turn shrugged. Neither of them understood what caused Lee’s changed behavior.</p><p>“What about you, G?” Dean looked hopefully at Gordon.</p><p>“I have to meet up with Bela to discuss business,” Gordon huffed. He felt a little guilty that he had somehow let Dean down, but Dean was actually ecstatic to hear it.</p><p>“Oooo...business, huh?” Lee teased, buttering his toast.</p><p>“Yes, Lee. Business. Some of us actually discuss business with women,” Gordon retorted but his friends did not miss the small smile tugging at his lips.</p><p>“It looks like it'll be just you and Castiel, buddy,” Lee tucked his hair behind his ears and looked at Dean, his clear blue eyes not giving anything up. Dean did not know what to think.</p><p>“Seems so. I wish you guys were coming,” Dean ventured but his friends gave him apologetic looks.</p><p>“How long will you be gone anyway?” Gordon asked, sipping his orange juice.</p><p>“Three days. Then we can all go explore the local scene the last two days before we leave.”</p><p>“That sounds like a plan. Count me in. Can I bring Claude?” Lee inquired, eagerly .</p><p>“Of course. You can bring Bela too, G,” Dean smirked. Gordon looked at him shaking his head and rolled his eyes.</p><p>“It’s not like that you guys,” Gordon tried unconvincingly.</p><p>“Yeah. Keep telling yourself that,” Dean muttered, shoving a slice of bacon in his mouth.</p><p>At around ten, Anna the red-haired receptionist had gone to call Dean informing him that Castiel was waiting for him at the patio.</p><p>As soon as Castiel saw Dean, he went in for a kiss, but Dean gave him a hug instead. Castiel wasn’t angry because he understood that maybe Dean was not ready to come out yet. However, that didn’t stop him from being slightly disappointed. He needed to talk to Dean about this thing they had because, whatever it was, he needed to know where they stood. Granted, now was probably not the time.</p><p>“Hey,” Dean smiled as he released Castiel from the hold of their hug.</p><p>“Hello, Dean,” Castiel greeted him in that deep voice of his and Dean’s stomach fluttered with butterflies as their eyes met. They both blushed and chuckled looking down and then back at each other again. Dean’s hand was itching to hold Castiel’s but he stopped himself. “Where are your bags and your friends?”</p><p>“They’re not coming,” Dean said, shyly as if worried that he had somehow let Castiel down.</p><p>“So it’s just you and me then?” Castiel was grinning from ear to ear making Dean smile and blush.</p><p>“Seems so,” Dean worried his bottom lip, looking at Castiel’s excited blue orbs.</p><p>“Well then, let’s get going!” Castiel exclaimed.</p><p>Dean ran upstairs to get his bags and said goodbye to his friends. Lee and Gordon were sitting on Gordon’s bed while Dean stood at the door with his backpack hanging from one shoulder. Lee was uncharacteristically calm and even told Dean, <em>“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” and winked at him. Gordon was polite as always</em> and simply told Dean to have fun.</p><p>Dean joined Castiel at the black Range Rover that was waiting outside to drive them to Auvergne.</p><p> </p><p>✦✦✦</p><p> </p><p>They got to their destination a little before two in the afternoon mainly because they had to make a few stops for Dean to look at the breathtaking countryside. Castiel saw this as a perfect opportunity to take Polaroid photos of Dean. He was mesmerized at how beautiful Dean looked in the photos- he did not have an awkward bone in his body, he could’ve easily been on the cover of GQ magazine, or any magazine cover for that matter.</p><p>They checked into a cottage that overlooked Lake Aydat, and they both had their own rooms that were adjacent to each other. They took their luggage in and then freshened up a bit after their ride there. They had both decided that they would start with horse riding and then do the rest of their activities during the next two days. Once they had rested, Castiel drove them to a small farm two kilometres from their cottage where they got two horses and a tour guide to show them around. They ended up in a forest with a small stream and all sorts of birds and small animals. It was a breathtaking experience, especially when Dean decided to show his horse riding skills and rode off with his mare. He ended up on top of a hill overlooking rolling green plains with animals grazing. When Castiel finally caught up with him, Dean had this blissed out look on his face which in turn made Castiel smile. After riding for a few hours and enjoying the natural features, they decided to head back to the cottage.</p><p>When they got back, it was still early so they decided to rest before dinner. Dean complained about how his muscles hurt since had not been horseback riding since he was seventeen.</p><p>“It’s still early, why don’t you go take a long, warm bath, and then after, I will give you a massage,” Castiel suggested his blue orbs twinkling.</p><p>“Cas, you...you can’t...I…,” Dean stammered.</p><p>“Just relax, I’ll see you in your room in an hour, okay?” Castiel smiled and walked into his room and closed the door softly behind him.</p><p>Dean was both thrilled and scared at the same time. Yes, they had had sex a few times but a massage? That sounded a lot more sensual and intimate. He liked Castiel, he really did, but him giving Dean a massage sounded like they were about to cross a line that they would never come back from. He went to the bathroom and ran a bath as he took a shower. His mother had always said that taking a bath before taking a shower was the same as stewing in your own filth. It was pointless.</p><p>After the quick shower, he soaked himself in the bathtub which he had filled with lemongrass bubble bath. The lemony scent reminded him of Castiel. He smiled at the thought of his friend- <em>were they friends?</em>- in the adjacent room, and he let the bubbles envelope him in its warmth. He soaked there for so long he lost all track of time until he heard soft clanging in his room. He got out of the tub feeling somewhat relaxed, but his thighs and ass throbbed from all the vigorous riding he had done earlier. He did it partly to show off to Castiel, but also because he had missed it so much.</p><p>After draining and rinsing out the tub, he walked into his room in a cozy bathrobe to see Castiel sitting on his bed with a long white sheet laid on top, sweet vanilla scented candles, and an array of essential oils laid on his nightstand. When Castiel saw him, he stood up with his hands behind his back and a grin on his face. He was wearing white shorts that showed off his legs and a cream polo shirt. Dean just stood there looking around the room with his mouth agape and eyes wide.</p><p>“Cas, you shouldn’t have, I...you are also tired,” Dean protested, feeling overwhelmed by what was going on in his room.</p><p>“I know you haven’t known me for long, but trust me, I never do anything I don’t want to, Dean. Would you just relax and let me help you?” Castiel responded, straightening the white sheet on Dean’s bed.</p><p>Dean did not have an argumentative bone in his body at this point, he was simply wound up from the tense muscles. He figured it was better to just give in and enjoy this.</p><p>“Can you at least turn around so I can get comfortable?” Dean asked, shyly.</p><p>“It’s not like I haven’t seen it all before,” Castiel quipped, wiggling his eyebrows with a sly smile on his face.</p><p>“Cas,” Dean pleaded. Castiel raised his hands in surrender and held a towel up for Dean as he removed his bathrobe and let it drop to the floor. He then wrapped the towel around Dean’s middle from behind and their hands brushed as Dean held the ends of the towel to wrap them around his waist. Castiel inhaled the lemongrass scent on Dean’s neck before he let go.</p><p>“Monsieur Winchester, get on the bed please,” Castiel said in a funny French accent as he pointed to the bed and slightly bowed his head. Dean rolled his eyes at how dramatic Castiel was being, but he obliged. He loosened the towel and lay down on his stomach, his arms outstretched. “Where does it hurt, Monsieur?” Castiel continued with the funny accent.</p><p>“Everywhere. But mostly my lower region- thighs, hips, ass, the whole <em>shebang</em>,” Dean said as he felt Castiel’s hands kneading his shoulders and back.</p><p>“Alright, but you have to relax if this is going to work,” Castiel advised as he continued running his hands gently along Dean’s back. Dean closed his eyes and tried to relax. “Think of your toes.”</p><p>“What?” Dean frowned in confusion. He tried turning his head around to look at Castiel, but Castiel moved it back gently to lay on the pillow.</p><p>“I know it’s strange but thinking about your toes actually helps. Trust me,” Castiel placated, still running his hands all over Dean’s back. Dean complied, and once Castiel was satisfied that he was relaxed, he asked Dean to turn around so he was facing up. Dean had his eyes closed and his cheeks were rosy because he was blushing. Castiel smiled and began his work. He had put a nature sounds tape in his walkman to help soothe Dean, so he popped the headphones on and listened. Castiel mixed some coconut oil with peppermint oil that he always carried for his humidifier. He poured a generous amount onto his hand, warmed it, and started at Dean's chest.</p><p>Castiel ran his hands in a crisscross manner over Dean’s chest and abdomen applying very little pressure on his pectoral muscles and abs. Dean let out a pleased sigh and had a small smile on his face. This seemed to encourage Castiel as he moved to his arms and shoulders, down his breastbone which made Dean keen in pleasure down to his abdomen.</p><p>He disregarded his hips and inner thighs and moved to his bow legs and feet where he massaged the balls of his feet. This made Dean giggle because he was ticklish there. Castiel added a little bit more oil, heated it on his palms and went up Dean’s legs again sliding all his ten fingers, with pressure, down Dean’s calves and down into the back of his heels. Dean fidgeted a bit and moaned in pleasure. His eyes were still closed during this experience. Castiel slowly picked up speed to allow the energy to start flowing beneath the surface of Dean's muscles. <em>Shit! He has the most spectacular muscular legs.</em> Castiel thought to himself.</p><p>Dean seemed to be enjoying the massage in general going by his whimpers and moans, Castiel slowly started moving up Dean’s legs starting with the area behind his knees and up his thighs. Dean writhed a bit in his position and moaned as Castiel slowly raised his towel but left it covering Dean’s groin. He started massaging his thick thighs applying a little bit more pressure and Dean moaned again as Castiel worked on his thighs. The room was starting to get hot and Dean’s moans were making Castiel drunk on the sensuality of it all.</p><p>Castiel could not take it anymore, so he moved from his thighs and moved on to massage his hips. He then dipped further into where Dean’s thigh met his groin and massaged there. Dean let out a loud moan that made Castiel’s cock perk up. He kept massaging that area on either side of Dean’s legs and Dean raised his legs so that his heels were planted on the bed. Castiel took this as encouragement and he removed Dean’s towel completely and let it fall on the floor. He hopped up onto the bed and knelt between Dean’s legs where he massaged the area at the root of his cock and where the balls connected with the perineum while gently fondling his balls. At this point, Dean’s cock lay heavy on his stomach dripping pre-come. Castiel licked his lips at the sight before him, but he ignored it for now. He continued massaging Dean by cupping his balls in his hand with his fingers facing Dean’s ass. Using the pads of his fingers to press upward into his body which was pressed rhythmically, he tickled and kneaded until Dean was a whimpering mess.</p><p>Knowing that this was not about sex, Castiel removed one of Dean’s headphones and whispered in his ear to turn around. Dean briefly opened his lust-filled hazel eyes, looking into Castiel’s stormy blue ones and went in for a kiss, but Castiel shook his head and nudged Dean to turn around. Dean groaned in disappointment but turned around anyway. Castiel was still kneeling on the bed between Dean’s spread legs. Dean wiggled for a while trying to find the perfect angle on which to lay because of his hard cock. Castiel smirked knowing he was to blame for it.</p><p>Starting at his shoulders, Castiel massaged Dean’s neck and collar bones then moved down and gently massaged his well-toned, freckled back. He then moved to his lower back. He sat gently on Dean's thighs and applied a bit of pressure on Dean’s lower back which he massaged thoroughly, eliciting a few groans at first, and then finally moans. He got off Dean’s thighs and knelt back on the bed massaging Dean’s hips, thighs, legs and feet, intentionally avoiding his ass. Once he was done, he moved up Dean’s legs and kissed his inside of his knees causing Dean to wiggle his ass.</p><p>Castiel sat back massaging Dean’s thighs while staring at his firm round ass. It was perfectly toned and had freckles spread out beautifully. He wanted to kiss each one of them but he realized that he had work to do instead of torturing himself. He wiped his hands on the bed sheet on the bed and scooped the coconut oil, rubbed it on his palms to warm and melt it and rubbed Dean’s ass, making Dean wiggle it a little. Castiel kneaded the muscles there with pressure and then changed the tempo by massaging it gently, and then, when he was satisfied he had done a good job, he spread Dean’s cheeks and massaged his ass crack as well as his puckered hole. He tickled his hole with small circles around the rim, and Dean keened and pushed back.</p><p>“Please, Cas,” Dean moaned, raising his hips and pushing his ass back. He had removed the headphones and the walkman was laying on the nightstand. Castiel somehow knew what Dean was asking for so he spread Dean’s cheeks further, dipped down, and teased his hole with his tongue. Castiel leaned back sitting on his heels and watched as Dean’s hole twitched in anticipation, he licked his lips as Dean got on all fours with his ass right in front of Castiel’s face. He spread Dean’s cheeks further and this time, he licked the length of his crack and his puckered tight hole, Dean tasted like coconut and a taste that Castiel associated with Dean.</p><p>Castiel, licked in small then long flicks with his tongue laid flat then switched to fucking Dean’s hole with his tongue until he was loose enough to let him in. All this time, Dean was keening and moaning with most of the sounds muffled by the pillow, he tried to jerk himself off but Castiel pushed his hand off. At this point, Dean’s cock was hard and his tip had turned so red and was dripping with precome. Castiel continued fucking and sucking Dean’s hole until it was twitching around his tongue. He knew Dean was ready for the one thing that would send him over the edge.</p><p>Lubing his index finger with a generous amount of coconut oil, he ran his tongue up and down Dean’s crack one last time and then moved to kiss and nibble Dean’s cheeks and finally, he pushed slowly and gently into Dean’s hole, Dean did not stop him but instead keened and pushed his ass back to take in more of Castiel’s finger. Castiel made sure to be gentle since he did not want to hurt Dean in any way whatsoever. He used his other hand to caress his scrotum and perineum with the pads of his fingers as he crooked his finger just right, and then- there it was, the walnut-shaped pleasure point that made Dean scream Castiel’s name and his thighs shake. Castiel massaged Dean’s sweet spot until Dean was chanting, <em>“Please”</em> like a prayer.</p><p>Castiel did not know what Dean was asking for but he kept on massaging Dean’s sweet spot. He put his balls in his mouth and that was ultimately what did it. Dean came with a loud cry without touching his cock, his hole contracting tightly around Castiel’s finger. Castiel withdrew his finger gently and kissed Dean’s ass and Dean fell on the now soiled sheet panting as Castiel hurriedly removed his now extremely tight shorts which had a big wet blotch on them. He did not have any underwear on so as soon as his shorts hit the floor, he gave his hard cock two tugs and he came silently on his hand, his mouth open in the most beautiful O shape Dean had ever seen. Castiel did not know Dean was watching him, so when their eyes met as he was wiping his hand on the sheet, they smiled at each other lazily as Castiel slumped next to Dean. He pulled him towards his chest which was still covered by his shirt and kissed behind his ear with his hand holding Dean close to his chest.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Angst and fluff</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>New Chapter next Sunday!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> <strong>“I<em> need to stop fantasizing about running</em> away to some other life and start figuring out the one I have.” -Holly Black</strong> </em>
</p><p>Dean stopped to drink water and take in the beautiful scenery of the rolling hills and valleys as they hiked in the Regional Park of Volcans d'Auvergne on the second day of their trip. They had decided to hike the Gergovie Plateau, mainly because the area was flat and Dean was still recovering from the horseback riding from the previous day. Dean had insisted that he was capable of hiking the high points, but Castiel had convinced him to save that for another time when he was strong enough. They combined the leisure walks with observing the ancient ruins, the ancient volcanoes, and the livestock from the famous Salers cows to sheep and horses which were all grazing on the green grass and drinking from the ages-old fountains.</p><p>The sun peeked through the trees and birds chirped merrily as they passed small towns that were scattered throughout the area, with paved roads crisscrossing the region to allow easy access to many trailheads. There were also abandoned burons, which were essentially small huts with thatched roofs that the tour guide said were traditionally used by shepherds.</p><p>They made sure to get back at the cottage by 4:30 since their day had started at around 8 that morning. They had had a healthy breakfast, and the array of fruits and PB &amp; Js Castiel had prepared them as snacks for their tour had helped a great deal. They had showered and leisurely walked back to the lake to watch the sunset. They sat in silence as they watched the sun disappear down into the lake, turning the sky orange, and then reddish-orange, and soon the darkness started creeping in as they walked back.</p><p>There was a dining area where people ate, but Castiel opted to have the food brought to their cottage where they ate in a comfortable silence and drank wine. Castiel was surprised when Dean said he preferred the merlot with his steak instead of beer. Castiel smiled hoping that he had somehow steered Dean into liking wine.</p><p>After supper, they rubbed each other’s feet as they watched French soap operas on the TV that Dean did not understand the majority of what was being said. Castiel explained during commercial breaks but honestly, Dean was happy to just hear Castiel’s deep voice rumble.</p><p>“You said you were a guest at the chateau, so whose guest are you?” Dean asked as he pressed his folded knuckles on Castiel's feet. Castiel moaned as Dean switched to massaging his feet.</p><p>“Well, my mom lets me go with her to visit her friends during the summer especially to places I have never been before or places that I love. So you could say I am a guest of hers,” Castiel moaned as Dean played with his big toe. He was lying but not exactly. He just didn’t want to disclose that his step-father owned the vineyard and have Dean get angry at him for lying. It wouldn’t make any difference anyway as Dean would be gone in a few days and forget him, but Castiel was feeling things and wanted to have a life with him. It was all so confusing, so he decided to live in the moment and decided to go with his partial lie.</p><p>“Oh, so you are a mama’s boy, huh?” Dean snorted as he placed Castiel’s other foot on his lap and started massaging it.</p><p>“Not quite. Ever since my baby brother died, I have become my mother’s personal project. I don’t want to break her heart, so I kinda have to be there, you know? I live in New York most of the year so I only get to see her a few times a year, so summers are kind of our time,” Castiel explained and wiggled his toes.</p><p>“I’m sorry about your brother,” Dean soothed. He didn’t want to be rude and would wait for Castiel to volunteer any further information about his baby brother’s death.</p><p>“Thanks,” Castiel said, clearing his throat. Dean looked up at Castiel’s angular face. Castiel was looking out the window at the lake, and Dean could see the pain that crossed his face. He tickled his feet to get him out of the funk which somehow worked because Castiel met his eyes and laughed hard.</p><p>“Does your mom work outside of New York?” Dean asked, looking up trying to change the subject.</p><p>“Not really. She travels a lot. She and my dad are divorced, and I kinda have to live with my dad, so that’s why,” Castiel replied nonchalantly.</p><p>“Jesus, I’m so sorry, Cas. I didn’t know. I thought by asking that I was making things less painful for you but...<em>fuck</em> I’m such an idiot,” Dean reprimanded himself. He kind of wanted to go somewhere and bury his face in shame, but Castiel rubbed his hand soothingly.</p><p>“It’s okay babe...I mean, Dean,” Castiel stammered, hoping that Dean did not hear what he just said.</p><p>“Babe, huh? I thought sweetheart was a more befitting pet name for me,” Dean teased to make Castiel feel better. He really didn’t mind Castiel calling him that, especially now that they were here alone.</p><p>“You are not mad?” Castiel was looking at him, biting his bottom lip nervously.</p><p>“No, Cas,” Dean soothed. “You can call me anything you want.”</p><p>“I was of the idea that this whole situation with us made you uncomfortable. I tried to kiss you at the boarding house, and I saw the way you recoiled from me. You are driving me mad with your mixed feelings and actions, Dean,” Castiel blurted out without a second thought. Dean stopped massaging his foot and pushed it off his thighs, standing up abruptly and folding his arms to his chest. Castiel looked at him confused.</p><p>“So me telling you I like you over and over isn’t enough? What more do you want?!” Dean glared at Castiel who sat in shock on the sofa looking at Dean’s face contort in anger.</p><p>“Jesus, Dean. What the <em>fuck</em>?” Castiel stuttered. Dean kept glaring at him, his mouth now a tight straightline and his face red.</p><p>“I could ask you the same thing,” Dean retorted, not backing down.</p><p>“I don’t understand what is going on right now, so I’ll just go to my room and let you calm down,” Castiel said, standing from the couch, confused walking to his room.</p><p>On seeing Castiel walk away, Dean slumped on the couch and started sobbing. Castiel turned around more confused than he was earlier. <em>What the fuck just happened?</em> They were fine, and then Dean turned into an emotional mess, and Castiel did not know how to handle it. For the short time he had known Dean, he saw him as a strong but gentle soul who was usually happy and felt things strongly. However, he had never seen him like this. He sat next to Dean on the couch and patted his back in small soothing strokes as sobs racked his body. Castiel gave him his handkerchief to wipe his tears and snot. Once Dean had calmed down, Castiel hugged him from the side.</p><p>“You know you can tell me anything, right? If I did anything to upset you, I am genuinely sorry, Dean. It was never my intention to hurt you,” Castiel soothed, his voice slightly strained from how confused and emotional he was feeling from seeing Dean like this.</p><p>“I...I just...I don’t know what to do, Cas,” Dean blurted out and started sobbing again. Castiel kept hugging him and running soothing motions on his back. He could’ve kissed Dean’s cheek but he figured that Dean did not need that at the moment. “I like you. I really really like you, but I am terrified that Lee will see us and tell my dad who would, in turn, kill me. He says people like us, <em>fags</em>, as he calls us, are what’s wrong with this world, and we should be shot on sight. All my life he’s told me to stop acting like a girl, or that I’m too pretty and no one will take me seriously if I don’t do manly stuff, and I...oh, Cas,” Dean cut off as he sobbed harder.</p><p>To say Castiel was pissed would be an understatement. His parents were a lot of things, especially his father, but an intolerant, homophobic, giant dick he was not. His parents knew about his sexual fluidity, and had supported him all along.</p><p>“Dean, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know,” Castiel soothed, this time turning around to face him. Dean’s beautiful eyes were red-rimmed with tears welling, and Castiel wished he could kiss the pain away.</p><p>“I’m sorry I cried. It’s just that...I don’t know what will happen once I leave here. I might never see you again, and the things we’ve shared have been great. I just can’t lose you,” Dean said desperately, kissing Castiel and straddling his thigh and grinding vigorously against him. Castiel kissed him back, but he had to stop Dean, who was busy unbuttoning Castiel’s shirt and kissing his neck, because Dean was not in the right headspace to have sex and neither was Castiel.</p><p>“Sweetheart, stop,” Castiel pushed him away gently. Dean stopped kissing him but remained seated on Castiel’s thigh. Castiel held him close. “We can’t have sex with you like this- just talk to me. What do you need?”</p><p>“Just make me forget, Cas. Just fuck me,” Dean pleaded, biting Castiel’s ear. Castiel almost came from the way Dean had whispered <em>fuck me</em> against his ear. It was the sexiest voice Castiel had ever heard, but he couldn’t do it, not like this. Instead of obliging Dean's pleas, he scooped him up and carried him to his bed and stripped him of his clothes save for his boxers. Castiel did the same and got under the covers with Dean and held him close to his chest. He listened to Dean’s body shaking as an aftershock of his sobbing. Castiel soothed him, alternating between running his hand along his back and rubbing his chest soothingly until Dean fell asleep.</p><p>When Castiel was sure that Dean was asleep, he turned them so that Dean was laying on his chest as Castiel looked up at the ceiling wondering what he was going to do. Dean had said that he liked him and wanted for their relationship to become something more, but having an overbearing father would only make things worse for them. Castiel liked Dean and was probably on his way to falling in love with him, but when Dean had told him about his worries, reality had hit. Hard. Castiel knew he had to find a way for them to be together or he would have to let Dean go. Letting Dean go was not an option, especially after his confession, so he realized he had to come up with a way to keep him. As sleep took him, he hoped that he would have a solution to this glaring open wound.</p><p> </p><p>When Castiel woke up, he was alone in bed. He found Dean seated in the front steps of the cabin seeping coffee.</p><p>“Morning sunshine,” Dean grinned when Castiel sat beside him. “Want some coffee?”</p><p>“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said, giving him a sad smile. “How are you doing?”</p><p>“I’m fine,” Dean said, not meeting Castiel’s gaze and sipping his coffee.</p><p>“No you are not,” Castiel rebutted. “Last night you said some things that made me very happy but others that broke my heart.”</p><p>“I don’t wanna talk about that, should I order us some breakfast?”</p><p>“No, Dean. Not until you look at me and listen to what I have to say,” Castiel demanded trying to meet Dean’s eyes. Dean stared at his coffee, took a sip and then looked right ahead.</p><p>“I have a solution for how we can be together,” Castiel blurted out, a huge smile on his face. Dean turned to look at him, confusion written all over him. Castiel continued, “You could move to New York with me. I mean my mom has an apartment she doesn’t use, so we can live there.”</p><p>“It’s that easy, huh?” Dean sneered looking at Castiel, his eyes unreadable. Castiel’s smile fell, and he looked down as Dean shook his head and sipped his coffee.</p><p>“Yes. I could work in a restaurant and you could work somewhere. I don’t know what you like to do, but you could do that.”</p><p>“I want to go to college.”</p><p>“There are colleges in New York, and I will get money to take you to college. I will work three jobs if I have to.”</p><p>“Cas, you have watched too many movies, that is not going to work.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“Because us living together as a couple is a little too much, too soon , and besides, I can’t leave my little brother alone with my dad, they’d kill each other. I also would never let you work three jobs to pay for my college tuition, or live in your mother’s apartment. I like being able to fend for myself, you know.”</p><p>Castiel wanted to protest, but all those things Dean had said made sense so he pondered to find another solution but nothing came to mind.</p><p>“What should we do?” Castiel muttered. Dean took the last sip of his coffee and looked at Castiel.</p><p>“For now, let’s go have some breakfast and have a good day. I’m sure we will find a way,” Dean gave him a barely there smile and stood up, but he stretched out his hand and helped Castiel up from where he sat at the stairs. Castiel took his hand and almost fell when Dean gave him a breathtaking kiss, and they walked into the cottage to prepare for the day ahead.</p><p>After taking a shower and having breakfast, Dean and Castiel went for their last adventure. They would be returning back to Jura in the afternoon, and Dean was not looking forward to it because it would mean that this bubble that he and Castiel had created would pop. Once he left, if they did not find a way to keep in touch, this experience would be lost to them forever.</p><p>They had decided to take a boat ride to Lake Aydat and just have fun there. Dean wanted to fish, but the tour guide advised him that it was better to fish early in the morning before sunrise or late in the evening after sunset. It was already ten o’clock, so the morning window had passed and since they were leaving in the afternoon, the evening window was lost to them too. He sulked a little, but Castiel soothed him.</p><p>They swam in the lake and had so much fun just watching the scenery. At some point when Castiel was engaged talking with the tour guide, Dean thought about what had transpired between him and Castiel during the past week. It had been an encounter of chance, or maybe fate, but Dean had always told his brother, Sam, that accidents don’t just happen accidentally. So Dean knew that he was meant to meet Castiel, and whether they were meant to last would be solely up to them.</p><p>Castiel had suggested some rather questionable things on how they could be together, but none of them were favorable to Dean. As much as Dean would’ve loved to run away to New York and live with Castiel, he knew it was not ideal. He had dreams, his uncle Bobby had set some money aside to send him to college, something John was not too happy about, and Dean could not pass up that opportunity. Okay, maybe he could go to college in New York, but he couldn’t leave Sam alone with John. They were both hard-headed and too strong-willed to live peacefully together without Dean being around. There was also the potential that Lee would take up all of John’s time, and there would be no one to look after his little brother. He also couldn’t take Sam and run away with him because he was still a minor. He was 15, he would be 16 in May, and that could amount to abduction, and he did <em>not</em> want to add a criminal record on top of all the shit he had to put up with, so he decided that he would go back home but would keep in touch with Castiel. They would trade letters, secretly of course, and once Sam finished high school in two years, he would go to be with Castiel in New York.By then, he would have finished college and hopefully have joined grad school, and Sam would be joining college, too, and could go with him to New York. In the meantime, they would have to settle for letters, calls, and short visits.</p><p>He looked up and smiled at Castiel who had turned and was winking at him with the sweetest smile on his face as he jumped overboard and started swimming. Dean followed suit, and they swam and wrestled in the water until it was time for them to go.</p><p>Their journey back was shorter than Dean had hoped it would be. He had told Castiel about his thoughts on how they could keep their relationship, whatever it was at this point, blooming. Castiel was thrilled but was also sad knowing that he wouldn’t get to visit Dean as often as he wanted due to college but mostly John. Dean had also told him that he wanted to go to a college in Kansas, somewhere that he could drive to and from home, so he could watch out for Sam. He couldn’t expect Uncle Bobby to do it all the time because he had other things to do. Besides, Sam was Dean’s responsibility since John barely acknowledged that he existed, so it was settled.</p><p>Dean had apologized for getting emotional the previous night, and Castiel told him there was nothing to apologize for. Being vulnerable in front of him meant that he trusted him with his feelings. Castiel in turn apologized for not being able to take Dean to the film festival, but Dean told him that spending the days with him in whatever capacity had been better than anything he had ever experienced. Except for his automobile factory tour in Germany, which had been a mind blowing experience. However, being with Castiel was a close second, only with like a .1 variation.</p><p>Once they got back to the boarding house, Castiel gave Dean a quick kiss on the lips and promised to see him tomorrow in the afternoon for a tour of Jura. They would visit the local towns and villages for some culture.</p><p>“I can’t wait,” Dean smiled at Castiel.</p><p>“Goodbye, sweetheart,” Castiel smirked and winked at Dean as he got out of the car.</p><p>“See you,” Dean responded and shyly bit his lip as he watched Castiel drive off, leaving a trail of dust behind.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Endings, beginnings.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>See you next Sunday.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong> <em>“And it's the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed. That a creature like you exists in my world.” - Nicole Torre.</em> </strong>
</p><p>The midday sun burned hot and bright as Dean, Lee, Claude, Gordon, and Castiel all filed in the Range Rover and drove around Jura, sampling local cheese as Castiel took them to the farms with the best kind. They also tasted unusual wine, including <em>vin jaune</em>- yellow wine- whose production process was different from the way other wine was made. This seemed to catch Lee’s attention, and he swore that he would be back to explore that further. Castiel explained that in February, there was usually a festival toasting to the newly bottled vintage wine.</p><p>Afterwards, they visited a UNESCO World Heritage site that featured a museum that traced back a 1,200 year history of salt production and traditions in the Jura mountains by passing through Salins-les-Bains where they saw the enormous buildings and chimneys of the Great Saltworks. They toured the tunnels and saw the furnaces that workers stoked to draw salt out of the briny water that surfaced from underground wells. Lee took so many pictures that they almost ran out of film.</p><p>Their last stop was at the riverside town of Dole, where they viewed the former seat of the dukes of Burgundy and the capital of Franche-Comté from 1332 to 1674. To end their tour, they visited Collégiale Notre-Dame, an imposing 16th-century church with impressive art and stained glass windows that was tucked away on one of Dole’s narrow lanes. It was like travelling back in time.</p><p>Dean was captivated by it all while Gordon and Lee kept asking why Castiel had not told them of these sites before. As Castiel translated and explained everything to them, Dean hung onto his every word and wanted to kiss him and hold his hand, but with Lee there, he just hung back. Gordon didn’t worry him because he was a loyal friend to Dean. Lee, however, was also John’s confidant, so he did not want to risk it.</p><p>Later in the evening, they went to the Secret Wine Cellar for a small party that, unsurprisingly, got way out of hand. It consisted of Castiel, Dean, Lee, Gordon, Claude, Bela, and Uriel up. Castiel and Lee had bought a few bottles of <em>vin jaune,</em> Trousseau Noir, and Poulsard to “sample”. Someone had also decided to bring weed to the small party, so while it started as a small get together, it ended up being more of a making out party.</p><p>After two glasses of wine, Uriel had left the party, to everyone’s relief, since he was a judgmental prick who told people not to smoke.</p><p>“This is France, baby, everyone smokes,” Bela had sneered and taken one long puff of the blunt that Castiel had rolled up and blew it towards Uriel, who left immediately after. Bela then went ahead and shared some of the smoke with a bewildered Gordon which resulted in them making out rather erotically.</p><p>Castiel had excused himself and beckoned Dean to follow him to his room soon after. Dean had ended up coming twice from Castiel’s skilled tongue eating him out and sucking him off while he massaged his prostate. Dean had returned the favor by giving him a mind-blowing blow job. They had laid in each other's arms for what felt like hours. When they went back to the living room, they found that Lee and Claude were asleep on an air mattress on the floor while Bela and Gordon lay half naked in each other’s arms on the couch. Castiel found a blanket and covered them then he gave Dean a piggy-back ride back to the bedroom.</p><p>By the time Dean woke up, Gordon and Lee were already up and bickering as usual.</p><p>“Good morning, guys,” Dean yawned and sat down on an arm chair opposite the sofa where Gordon sat. Dean shook his head when he remembered the position that Gordon had been in the previous night.</p><p>"Good Morning, Dean," Gordon greeted and rubbed his eyes. He had a coffee in his hands.</p><p>"Yeah, morning. Where did you disappear to last night?" Lee asked with a grin on his face. Dean's palms started sweating, but he couldn't let Lee see him being nervous because he would know something was off.</p><p>"Cas wanted to finish the blunt, and since you guys were rather engrossed on other things, we figured we needed to give you space," Dean said rather quickly. Lee seemed satisfied with the answer and went to the kitchen to get himself and Dean coffee. Claude and Bela seemed to have left at some point, and Castiel had made coffee and gone for a run, so it was only Dean and his friends that were around. By the time Castiel came back, the three friends were leaving, so he let them go with the promise that they would see each other in the afternoon to visit Lake Vouglans.</p><p> </p><p>In the afternoon, they went to Beach Mercantile on Lac de Vouglans (Lake Vouglans) which was filled with people since it was the last days of summer. They swam and hired a small motorboat with a tour guide to explore. Claude had joined them, but Bela couldn’t make it since she had to travel to Saint Tropez for a family-business thing, she had said. So it was just the five of them. Afterwards, they had a picnic on the benches that were available there. Castiel had brought two picnic baskets with two bottles of wine, cheeses, baguettes, grapes, and sandwiches among other things. Dean wanted to kiss him so badly, and so when Gordon, Lee and Claude had gone swimming in the lake, he gave him a long bruising kiss.</p><p>“What was that for?” Castiel was amused because Dean had shied away from any PDA so far.</p><p>“For being you,” Dean said, biting his bottom lip seductively. Castiel smiled, his eyes exploring Dean’s face. He noticed that more freckles had formed at the bridge of his nose and cheeks from being in the sun for too long, he looked beautiful.</p><p>“I am going to miss you so much,” Castiel whispered, Dean looked at him, his eyes sad and gave him a small smile.</p><p>“Remember what we talked about yesterday, we will keep in touch.”</p><p>“But it won’t be the same. Two years of not being able to touch you is torture,” Castiel whined. <em>Since when had he become a person who whined and got attached to people he had sex with?</em></p><p>“I know, Cas but we live in the same country. It’s a three hour’s flight or a day’s car ride. See, it’s not that bad,” Dean placated. Castiel’s eyes seemed to soften a little and Dean took it as a win.</p><p>“Okay. I am taking a year off to travel so I won't be joining college next year. I.., we will have all the time in the world,” Castiel gushed. Dean smiled at him.</p><p>“Well, you can come visit me any time.” Dean moved close to Castiel's ear and whispered, “in fact, you can come visit me tonight, I have a farewell gift for you.”</p><p>Castiel felt the hair at the back of his neck stand up when Dean said that. He tried to speak but his mouth was dry so he chugged down a bottle of water as Dean chuckled beside him. Once their three friends came back, they hung out for a bit and decided to leave early to rest after two days of adventure. Their journey back to Paris the next day was around midday, so, fortunately, there was no rush.</p><p>At around nine that night, Castiel knocked on Dean’s door. Dean opened it dressed in only his bathrobe and had two sweet vanilla candles burning on either side of the bed. The main bulb in his room was off, and the only light came from his bedside lamps and the two candles.</p><p>He greeted Castiel with a soft kiss and started taking Castiel’s shirt off. Once they were both naked and on the bed, Dean kissed every inch of Castiel’s body leaving Castiel half hard, and then he whispered to his ear, “Make love to me, Cas.”</p><p>Castiel’s cock had filled up so fast as Dean met his eyes. They were filled with confidence and some much adoration.</p><p><br/>
"Are you sure, Dean? I don't want you to do something you might regret," Castiel asked him and kissed his cheek. He wanted Dean in every way he could ever have him but he also didn't want him to do something he wasn't comfortable with.</p><p>"I am sure. I have never been more sure of anything in my life," Dean whispered, his green orbs that were now mostly dark and were glowing in the soft light of the room looking lovingly at Castiel's blue ones. "I would never regret being yours, Cas."</p><p>Castiel's heart almost burst out of his chest on hearing those words. This time, he knew that this was not a decision made by someone who was not in the right headspace. So, Castiel flipped them over and kissed every inch of Dean’s body leaving him a writhing desperate mess chanting his name like a prayer, “<em>Cas</em>” and <em>“please”</em>over and over again.</p><p>Castiel took his time prepping Dean- he licked him open while jerking him off. Once he was sure Dean was ready for more, he poured a generous amount of lube that Dean had given him, and coated his fingers. He then opened him up slowly and gently, kissing every inch of skin that he could reach until he was sure he was ready for more. Dean whimpered and begged Castiel to just do it, he was a sexy mess writhing on the bed grinding down on Castiel's fingers. Castiel pulled his fingers out gingerly then he rolled a condom on to his hard throbbing cock and slowly eased into Dean’s tight heat. Dean was tight. God, he was so fucking tight. Castiel thought he had died and gone to heaven, he had never felt this good in his life. Dean was making the sweetest groans and moans under him so Castiel sealed their lips together and took all o what Dean was willing to give him.</p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>, Dean you’re so beautiful,” Castiel whispered into Dean’s ear as he sank deeper into him. Dean moaned. Castiel kissed him deeply and he sank slowly into him until he bottomed out.</p><p>Castiel gave Dean time to adjust to his girth. The entire time he was looking at Dean's face for any signs of discomfort or pain even though Dean had assured him he was fine. Castiel just wanted to make sure that Dean was enjoying this as mich as he was. He caressed Dean's inner thighs gently and kissed every inch of skin that his mouth could reach. And when Dean nudged him to move, he moved in small sensual movements; rolling his hips and rocking gently into Dean.  His ministrations had Dean begging for more, trying to pull Castiel close to him with the heels of his feet, to feel every inch of him touched by Castiel. Finally, Castiel started moving at the pace Dean wanted, holding Dean’s legs up with his arms as he fucked into him.</p><p>“Oh, yes baby, right...there,” Dean moaned into Castiel’s mouth when Castiel’s cock met his sweet spot.</p><p>Castiel made sure to maintain that angle until Dean was begging for him to never stop. It wasn't long before Castiel was teetering on tge edge of orgasm. He didn't want this to end so soon and especially not before Dean had come. He changed positions by putting one of Dean’s legs around his back and jerked him off and before he knew it, Dean was tipping over the edge with a<em> “Cas, ahhh" </em>his tight ass clenching around Castiel’s cock sucking Castiel's it further in. Castiel was done for and when he looked at Dean, the look of pure ecstasy on his face drove him over the edge too. He came with a whimper and a kiss on Dean’s neck and slumped on Dean's torso not minding the mess and kissed his neck. They laid like that for a while until Castiel pulled out and cleaned them up.</p><p> </p><p>“That was amazing. You were amazing, Dean,” Castiel said as he held Dean to his chest and kissed his hair which smelled like peppermint.</p><p> </p><p>“You were amazing too, Cas. I mean I don’t have anyone to compare you to but still, you were amazing,” Dean quipped, making Castiel laugh.</p><p> </p><p>“It was a pleasure being your first. I love you,” Castiel blurted out in excitement. He stopped in shock as he realized what he had just said.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you too, Cas,” Dean replied without hesitation, like it was something he did every day. It was as easy as breathing.</p><p> </p><p>They stayed silent for a while, Castiel peppering Dean's ear and neck with kisses while Dean caressed Castiel's arm that was wrapped around him tightly as if he didn't want to let him go.</p><p> </p><p>“Is it possible to fall in love with a person you've just known for a week?” Castiel asked, after a beat. He was still shocked that he blurted out 'I love you' to Dean and Dean had actually said it back without hesitation. He had never said those words to anyone before; at least not in a romantic sense. However, he was the happiest he had ever been of all be people he had ever been with, the mindless sex and games, he was sure Dean was the one.</p><p> </p><p>“I think so. If not, then we are a couple of dumbasses,” Dean snorted.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I would say we are just us- less dumb, less ass,” Castiel laughed.</p><p> </p><p>Dean wanted to make a snarky comment, but as he lay sated and happy in Castiel’s arms, he realized that he didn’t want anything to destroy this moment. Maybe he had died and gone to heaven or maybe it was a dream, but all he knew was that for once in his life, he was genuinely happy. He was home.</p><p> </p><p>They had woken up one more time during the night, and Dean had begged Castiel to fuck him again. Castiel had been reluctant, stating that he didn’t want to hurt Dean, but Dean insisted that he was fine, so Castiel obliged. This time, they lay spooned together as Castiel slowly slid into Dean and rocked inside him gently, holding him close to his chest, one of his legs was hiked up on Castiel’s thigh as Castiel kissed his neck and his ear whispering words of adoration and gushing over how much he loved him.</p><p> </p><p>When they finally slumped in bed, limps tangled and breaths labored, they fell quiet knowing that today was the last day they would see each other in, god knows, how long. Dean had a sad look on his face as he snuggled close to Castiel’s chest and inhaled his lemongrass scent, committing it to memory. He did not want to forget this; any of it.</p><p> </p><p>“Cas, are you sure we can do this?” Dean muttered on Castiel’s chest. Castiel hugged him closer and kissed his hair.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course, sweetheart. I know it’s going to be hard but...we talked about this. Where is this coming from?” Castiel asked, worried. Dean sighed.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s just, I’ll be starting college in January, and I feel like between that and things at home, I won’t have time for you,” Dean confided. As much as what Dean was saying was serious and worrisome, Castiel smiled because it meant Dean cared about him, and them<br/>
<br/>
“Look, I will come to you if I have to. I know. I know, your dad and Lee’ blah blah…But, I’ll find a way to make it work. Even if I have to get a small apartment out of town just so I could see you,” Castiel soothed.</p><p> </p><p>“You would do that?” Dean was awed at how fast things were moving, and also Castiel’s determination and dedication to their relationship. <em>Were they even in a relationship? Did exchanging I love you’s give you a first class ticket to making things official?</em></p><p> </p><p>“Okay then,” Dean chuckled, kissing Castiel’s chest. “I don’t wanna leave all this. It’s perfect.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want you to go either, but it’s just for a little while. I’ll be seeing you soon,” Castiel reassured Dean who was looking up at him with sadness in his eyes. Castiel kissed his pouty lips and then his cheek and held him so tightly he thought he might break him.</p><p> </p><p>In the morning, Castiel woke up early so he could go home and get a change of clothes before Lee and Gordon woke up and saw him sneaking out of Dean’s room which would only give them another set of things to worry about. He had offered to drive them to the TGV train station in Dole which Dean had been ecstatic about. Lee even more so because they didn’t have to be crammed in another old Volkswagen in the summer heat like the first day of their trip here.</p><p> </p><p>Dean sat next to Castiel in the car as he watched Lee kiss Claude goodbye. Claude was sobbing, and that made Dean’s eyes sting with tears too because the thought of leaving his blue eyed angel behind was unfathomable. He sniffled back his tears and Castiel gave him a small smile and they entwined their pinkies together on the seat and only detangled themselves when Gordon and Lee sat in the backseat.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s go, Cassie,” Lee blurted out, patting the back of the driver’s seat. Castiel gave him a smile through the rear view mirror when their eyes met, but there was something in Lee’s eyes that looked almost evil. Castiel looked away, glanced at Dean, beautiful as ever, seated beside him and started the engine.</p><p> </p><p>It was a two hour drive, and they mostly chatted about their adventures in France. Dean was mostly quiet, and even Lee’s jabs at him on his time at Auvergne with Castiel were met with short, clipped answers. Gordon enquired more about the rare wine varieties from Castiel as they organized how he would come back in February for the festival.</p><p> </p><p>When they arrived at Dole, Dean was on the verge of tears but he had never let anyone see him cry apart from Castiel. No one, not even Lee, Gordon, or Sam had ever seen him cry, so he knew if he shed any tears, it would look suspicious. Lee was already on his case asking too many questions about Auvergne, and he had to find a way to address it before he became too suspicious.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s take a group photo to commemorate this beautiful friendship,” Gordon exclaimed, taking out the camera from his backpack. Everyone agreed and he found a middle-aged man who was walking by to take their photo. Castiel also got out his polaroid camera and took a photo of the three men for his keepsake. He also had the same man take four more photos for the group photo so he could give a copy to everyone.</p><p> </p><p>They hugged as they said their goodbyes, and when it came to Dean, Castiel almost hugged him for far too long. He inhaled the soothing fabric softener fragrance on his clothes and his peppermint shampoo. Castiel's heart was thrumming in his chest and butterflies were fluttering away in his stomach, but as he let go of Dean, an empty feeling settled in his gut and an icy gust of wind blew around him.</p><p> </p><p>He stood by his car as he watched the three friends disappear through the gates and when Dean looked back at him with his beautiful green eyes, Castiel took one last photo of his sad face.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>✦✦✦</p><p> </p><p><br/>
<strong>(Present day, Connecticut, New York)</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <em>Memories bring back memories bring back you.</em> </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Cassie, you saucy little minx!” Balthazar exclaimed as he reached for another bottle that the au pair had brought in a bucket of ice. The room roared with laughter at that comment with a few mumbles in agreement. “Thank you for those naughty details, but could you give us <em>more</em> of the sexy details?”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie and Dean snorted. Castiel rolled his eyes at and removed his jacket. The room was getting hotter as the night progressed. Beside him, Dean was gulping down a bottle of water to quench his thirst and sooth his dry throat. He had not realized there was so much to tell about their story.</p><p> </p><p>“I thought you said this isn't a love story but from everything you’ve told us, it is what fairy tales are made of,” Eileen smiled, looking adoringly at Dean and Castiel.</p><p> </p><p>“Save for dad’s homophobia, and Dean being in the closet at the time,” Sam chimed in, and though it was bittersweet, everyone laughed since Sam had said it in good humor.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, well, that isn’t even the half of it,” Castiel assured them as a sad look crossed his face. He turned to look at Dean who gave him a small smile, rubbing his back.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, let’s hear it then,” Jody said, curiosity dancing in her brown eyes as she folded her legs on the coach, fluffing the throw pillows and placing them against her back so she could be more comfortable.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, but be warned, this part might be a bit bloody,” Castiel warned as he sipped his chardonnay and watched the room.</p><p> </p><p>"Oofda!,"Donna muttered. She had joined them at some point. She was sitting on a bean bag chair on the floor next to Castiel. She looked up at Castiel and smiled at him. Castiel smiled back and then he and Dean continued telling their story.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dean and Cas have a new beginning.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey readers :)</p><p>Please note that this chapter and the others to come are set ten (10) years into the future from where chapter 9 ended or 12 years before the anniversary party in chapter 1.</p><p>I will indicate any change in time stamps as we move along with the story. In case you have still not caught up yet, the time lapse is mentioned in the story and there will be flashbacks as well as an Intermission Chapter or two to explain the 10 year gap.</p><p>Enjoy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <br/>
  <strong>(12 years ago, New York, City)</strong>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>“I feel myself shutting down, closing off, like I should tell people, 'No, we don't use this heart anymore. It's too fragile.”- Courtney C. Stevens</em> </strong>
</p><p>It was the beginning of Spring on a Saturday afternoon, and the sun was shining at <em>Sun Valley Country Club</em> in upstate New York. Castiel squinted his eyes at the tennis court from where he stood at the terrace of the country club looking for his brother Balthazar. He huffed in frustration since he couldn't see him and decided to walk back to his car and wait for him there. He was tired and he needed to go home and rest after losing three out of four matches he had played against his brother. His phone buzzed in his pocket, he retrieved it and he found that he had a text message from Balthazar: <em><strong>Met an old friend. See you at home.</strong></em></p><p><em>Typical Balthazar</em>, Castiel laughed and shook his head. Of course, his brother always left him high and dry because he met a <em>friend</em>, which was code for an old fling or a woman he was trying to <em>fuck</em>. He did not bother to respond to the message as he put his phone in his pocket and walked outside to the parking lot when someone walked right into him and there were scattered papers on Castiel’s feet.</p><p>“Watch where you are going,” Castiel chided as he bent down to help the intruder collect his paperwork. There were a lot of diagrams that looked like engine parts, hydraulics, springs as well as figures and numbers that Castiel did not understand.</p><p>“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going,” a deep voice caught Castiel’s ear and when he looked up to see his aggressor, a pair of familiar hazel eyes, long lashes, and a freckled nose were in his eye-line.</p><p>“Cas?”</p><p>“Dean?”</p><p>“Cas!”</p><p>“Dean!”</p><p>They both stood up awkwardly from where they were collecting the papers on the pavement.</p><p>“How...how are you?” Dean stuttered, trying to recover from his initial shock of seeing the man who used to be his lover standing right in front of him. The papers in his hands lay in disarray, forgotten.</p><p>“I’m doing well. What about you?” Castiel replied in an equally shocked voice. He was also holding a few papers that he had helped Dean collect.</p><p>“I’m good. What...I...I didn't...,” Dean huffed out with a smile shaking his head. “I just can't believe it’s you, man.”</p><p>“I know. How long has it been?” Castiel asked as he handed Dean his papers. Dean fumbled with them but finally managed to organize them inside the brown leather folder that he had.</p><p>“I don’t know, ten years, give or take,” Dean said, studying Castiel’s face.</p><p>A lot had changed. Dean was no longer the slender boy Castiel had met in France all those years ago. He had grown into a man. He was taller, had broader shoulders and chest, shorter hair, stubble where there was once a smooth face, and most of all, was more handsome than ever. His delicate, beautiful features had morphed into handsome masculine ones with more freckles on his nose and his cheeks, and his mouth was more pink and pouty. Castiel thought young Dean was the most beautiful boy he had ever seen, but this ethereal man standing in front of him was proof that he still was the most beautiful man he would ever see.</p><p>“Wow. I...I just can’t believe it. You look good,” Castiel laughed motioning to Dean’s entire frame.</p><p>“So do you, I mean look at you, did your eyes get bluer?” Dean quipped. They both laughed and there was an awkward silence for a few seconds. They stood there looking at each other with grins on their faces and shook their heads in disbelief.</p><p>“So..uh what are you doing here?” Castiel asked gesturing to the file on Dean’s hands after snapping himself out of his trance.</p><p>“Oh, I have a meeting with my boss. He’s leaving the country for a while so he needed to give me direction on a new project I am working on. What about you?”</p><p>“I was playing tennis with my brother who then decided to ditch me and hang out with ‘an old friend’ instead,” Castiel laughed. Dean smiled at him and Castiel felt like his heart would burst in his chest.</p><p>“Sorry about that,” Dean laughed.</p><p>“Don’t be, he does this all the time. I am used to it.”</p><p>“That’s brothers for you.” The air between them became thick with awkwardness, Castiel couldn't breathe. The tension was palpable and he could smell the regret of the past decade in the air.</p><p>“Yeah…Well...I...uhh...I’ll leave you to it then. It was nice seeing you again, Dean,” Castiel said genuinely. He was happy to see him.</p><p>“It was nice to see you too, Cas,” Dean smiled at him, and Castiel thought his legs would turn into jello and give out beneath him. He still held a torch for Dean, he still thought about him, maybe he still loved him too, but a lot had happened between them, and it wasn’t all water under the bridge.</p><p>“Goodbye, Dean.”</p><p>“Cas, here’s my card. Call me some time,” Dean said hesitantly, handing Castiel a black business card with his contact information.</p><p>“Sure. I...uh...I don’t have my business card with me, but I’ll call you.”</p><p>“Okay. Well, goodbye, Cas,” Dean said with a note of sadness in his voice as if he knew Castiel would never call him.</p><p>“Goodbye, Dean,” Castiel said and with that, he left Dean standing at the parking lot as he walked to his car. He did not glance back to see Dean looking at his retreating back with a sullen look on his face.</p><p>On Monday, Castiel sat on the leather office chair in his office and swiveled around as he watched the New York night skyline. It had been two days since he had seen Dean, and he still hadn’t called him since then. He reached for the black business card and studied it for the umpteenth time. The face of the card was printed in a white professional style that read: <em>Sandover Inc. Dean Winchester, Engineer,</em> with his phone number and email address.</p><p><br/>Castiel retrieved his mobile phone and input Dean’s number, he flirted with the dial button but decided against it. He instead opted to save the number and email in his contact list and stashed the card in his drawer. It is not like he had not toyed with the idea of calling him all weekend just to hear his voice that had only gotten gruffer over the years, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.</p><p>He was happy for Dean, he <em>really</em> was. The fact that Dean had made his way up in life and managed to work for Sandover Inc. as an engineer was exceptional. They did not hire just anyone, and that meant that Dean had worked his ass off to get there, so good for him. Castiel knew about Sandover Inc. because it was a subsidiary of Richard Roman Enterprises. Chuck had helped Richard ‘Dick’ Roman, the founder and C.E.O. of Richard Roman Enterprises and business mogul, turn one of his subsidiaries, <em>Wellman</em> <em>Inc</em>., around after one of its lawyers had embezzled most of its profits.</p><p>Thinking about Dean at 8 p.m. on a Monday was not helping him, so Castiel decided to call it a night and go home. Working as a financial consultant at his father’s company was not a walk in the park as people thought. A lot was riding on the line for all the companies they helped fix, and he had to be on top of his game especially now that his half-brother Nick, their former CFO, had landed in jail three years ago for insider trading and embezzlement. The scandal had been so big that Chuck had run away and left the mantle of running the company to Castiel’s eldest half-brother Michael.</p><p>It had started raining slightly when Castiel walked to his car and drove to his apartment on Riverside where he found Balthazar watching T.V.</p><p>“Cassie, you are finally home. I’m starving!” Balthazar exclaimed as soon as he saw Castiel.</p><p>“Do I look like I brought food with me?” Castiel retorted, confused as to why his brother's hunger was his problem.</p><p>“What bug crawled up your ass today? You’re moodier than usual,” Balthazar asked, walking up to Castiel and hugging him from behind. Castiel wanted to shrug him off, but he was too tired to move his hands.</p><p>“Nothing. I just need to sleep so I can stop thinking.”</p><p>“So you can stop thinking? Thinking about what? A green-eyed, freckled, fair-haired handsome gentleman I suppose?”</p><p>“What? Get off me. And no,” Castiel shrugged his shoulders defensively to get his brother off his back literally and figuratively and walked to the kitchen. He placed his laptop bag on the dining table and removed his suit jacket which he draped behind a dining chair.</p><p>“I cooked pasta and meatballs. I was waiting for you to get here so we could eat,” Balthazar said softly as he placed the food on the table and watched Castiel who was seated with his palms on his face.</p><p>“Thanks. I’m sorry. I just...since I saw him I can’t stop thinking about what he did to me, you know,” Castiel let out a sigh and reached for his fork and started eating. The food was delicious. Balthazar was a businessman with a chain of bars and restaurants that made signature dishes and drinks for an exclusive clientele. However, he hated cooking even though he was good at it.“This is so good, Zar.”</p><p>“You’re welcome,” Balthazar smiled as he poured a glass of fine merlot for the both of them. “I know what he did to you was awful, but that was a decade ago.”</p><p>“Why are we talking about this?” Castiel was frustrated, he did not like thinking about Dean. He had thought about him a lot over the years, but these last couple of days had been like the past decade was playing at x16 speed in his brain on a loop, and he couldn’t do it anymore. He needed a way to release his frustration.</p><p>“The only way to stop thinking about him is to call him. Or as they say '<em>get under someone else'</em>. You know, maybe someone like Mick? He’s always eager to comfort you,” Balthazar snorted and wiggled his eyebrows, and Castiel threw a piece of bread at him.</p><p>"I don't get under anyone, they get under me," Castiel said matter of factly. Balthazar snorted.</p><p>"A lot makes sense now, good for you Cassie," Balthazar quipped and parted his brother on the back. Castiel's demeanor changed and he got this sullen look on his face. Balthazar knew why and he hated himself for bringing it up in the first place.</p><p>“I was doing so well, Zar. Things were finally working out, and now that handsome devil won’t stop haunting my thoughts,” Castiel mumbled over a forkful of pasta and shook his head. “I will not call him. I'll just give Mick a call. It is the easiest way to forget about Dean.”</p><p>“For now,” Balthazar muttered as Castiel gulped his wine and retrieved his phone to call Mick Davies.</p><p> </p><p>➽➽➽</p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>. That was amazing babe,” Mick purred as he got off from where he had been riding Castiel and settled beside him on the bed. Castiel sat up, as he removed the condom from his spent cock, tied it, and threw it in the trash can beside the bed.</p><p>“Isn't it always?" Castiel smirked, pulling his t-shirt over his head. Mick propped his head on his hands and watched him.</p><p>“So, you’re leaving, again?” he asked bewildered as if this was not their routine.</p><p>“Yes. You know I can’t spend the night here, how will I get to work?” Castiel stood up pulling his jeans on. He never wore underwear when he came over to Mick's because what was the point? He was here to <em>fuck</em> and the fewer clothes he had on, the better.</p><p>“That excuse has gotten old,” Mick sneered, a sour note in his voice. “Just say you don’t want to be seen with me, it’s less insulting.”</p><p>“Mick, can we not argue? We’ve talked about this, I am not looking for a relationship. What we have is sufficient. I like having sex with you, it is some of the best sex I have ever had,” Castiel winked as he sat on the edge of the bed and slipped on his loafers his back to Mick.</p><p>“Can we at least go out to dinner sometime?” Mick was unrelenting and it was starting to get on Castiel’s nerves.</p><p>“Mick, I’ll see you tomorrow. Same time, okay?”</p><p>“Castiel, if you walk out of that door, don’t ever come back here again.”</p><p>
  <em>This motherfucker is really pushing it. What part of ‘I don’t want a relationship’ didn’t he understand?</em>
</p><p>Castiel placated himself by running his right thumb in a circular motion along the area between his left thumb and index finger. He closed his eyes, breathed out, plastered a fake smile on his face, and turned to face Mick.</p><p>“What do you want Mick? What do you want from me?” Castiel genuinely wanted to know because they had been fuck buddies on and off for years. Mick always threatened that he would never see him if they didn't make it official, that they would go their separate ways, but then he always came back for more. It was some sort of annoying perennial dance that was starting to get tedious and annoying.</p><p>“I want you, babe,” Mick said seductively, his grey eyes boring into Castiel’s blue orbs. Castiel looked away after he heard those words. He knew what Mick meant but he could never give it to him. His heart belonged to only one man, Dean Winchester. Unfortunately, that same man had shattered it into so many pieces that he knew he was not capable of loving anyone else, not ever.</p><p>“You have me, Mick. You have me in every way that matters. You are one of my best friends,” Castiel said genuinely. They were friends, they had been for the longest time, over twenty years. They also shared their bodies. Mick was the first boy Castiel ever kissed, the first gay experience he ever had. He loved him, but not in the way that Mick wanted.</p><p>“You know what I mean. I want your heart. Not...not just your body and friendship.”</p><p>“I know. But I am in no condition to give anyone my heart. You know this.”</p><p>Mick sighed and looked away in frustration, Castiel felt bad for hurting his friend, but there was nothing he could do. He did not want a relationship, and even if he gave into Mick’s desires, what then? Mick would grow to resent him because he would never have him truly, and then their friendship would be destroyed, and for what? He couldn’t do that to himself or Mick, and that was why he had always been honest with him.</p><p>Castiel crawled up on the bed to where Mick sat with his knees folded under his chin and he hugged him. Mick could not meet his eyes, so Castiel used his index finger to turn his head around, and when their eyes met, Castiel gave him a quick kiss on the lips and said, “How about you be my plus one to the cocktail party next week?”</p><p>Mick seemed to ponder on the idea for a few seconds and his once sullen face brightened up. “Yes, of course,” Mick beamed and his grey eyes seemed to dance with excitement.</p><p>“Good, I’ll pick you up at 6. Are we okay?”</p><p>“Yeah. For now,” Mick smiled and Castiel smiled back knowing that it meant he had been able to convince Mick to be good for a few days. However, he knew that after the party they would be back to the same vicious cycle of Mick wanting something that Castiel would never give him.</p><p>“Alright then. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Castiel kissed him on the cheek and left the room. Mick lay his head on his knees and cried.</p><p>➽➽➽</p><p>Micheal sat in his home office looking through proposals for potential new clients; companies that white collar assistance when he got an email on his laptop. It was from Nick. Being in a camp for white collar crimes was not as restricting as Micheal had hoped. Inmates were free to make calls and send emails even though it cost them a pretty penny.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Mikey,</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>It’s been weeks since you came to visit me and three years since dad decided to vanish. You are the only family I have left.</em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>(Shhh, don’t tell Gabe I don’t consider him family anymore).</em>
  </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong>
    <em>Come visit me, or I start talking.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Luci.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>Micheal huffed and slammed his laptop shut. He did not even bother replying to the email because he knew it would be a waste of time. Ever since Nick learned that it was Michael who had forwarded the evidence of his crimes to Chuck who then called the FBI on him, Nick had been bothering him non-stop. Michael did not know what information Nick had against him because he had never once in his life committed a crime, at least not anything serious that could land him in prison, but he needed to know what it was.</p><p>He decided to go visit Nick the next week after the cocktail party. He also needed to find Chuck and bring him home because he honestly could not handle Nick, run a company that no one wanted to work with, raise a son on his own, and keep his sanity.</p><p>He poured himself two fingers of scotch and took a swig. Life as a Shurley was not as glamorous as people thought.</p><p>➽➽➽</p><p>“Dean, you have to stop mothering me,” Sam groaned as Dean rummaged through his closet to find him the perfect shirt for his date.</p><p>“Mothering you?” Dean asked, feigning disappointment as he held out a crisp white shirt which Sam grabbed and threw on the reject pile that was getting higher on the bed.</p><p>“Can I dress myself? I’m twenty-five, dude. I’m not a baby anymore,” Sam whined, pushing Dean out of his room and slamming the door shut in his face. <em>Jesus, kids these days!</em> Dean stood in the hallway outside Sam’s bedroom and banged on it once.</p><p>“Don’t come crying to me if she leaves you high and dry because you dressed like an old man,” Dean shouted at the closed door and walked away. “Mothering, <em>my ass.</em>”</p><p>Dean had recently been promoted from Associate Engineer to Engineer at Sandover Inc. The job was demanding and included long hours, but the salary was good. He lived with his brother, Sam, a young lawyer doing his judicial clerkship. Living with Sam was easy because he had done it most of his life. Sam was neat and organized, he could clean, and cook, though not as well as Dean, but it was better than living with a random person.</p><p>Sam had completed his law degree at Stanford the previous year and was currently doing a judicial clerkship under a judge. He was doing the clerkship because it would help spruce up his CV, and afterward, he would find a job as a corporate lawyer.</p><p>Dean was so proud of him because, in spite of their rather emotionally and physically overwhelming childhood courtesy of their father, they had made it through to the other side of the tunnel where the sun shone brightly.</p><p>“How do I look?” Sam asked as he walked into the living room where Dean was reading <em>Norwegian Wood</em>.</p><p>“Like you’re about to get ditched,” Dean snorted as he looked at his brother’s smart casual outfit: navy blazer, the crisp white shirt that Dean had chosen for him, dark jeans, and leather loafers.</p><p>“Ditched?” Sam laughed, putting his wallet and keys in his jeans pocket. Dean rolled his eyes but smiled as Sam pinched his ear and walked to the door.</p><p>“Don’t forget to use protection,” Dean shouted as Sam slipped out of the door. The only response Dean got was a middle finger as his brother closed the door behind him.</p><p>As soon as Sam left, Dean closed his book. He had pretended to be reading, but the truth was, he had been reading the same line over and over for the past thirty minutes, and he couldn’t even tell you one word from it. All he could think about was Castiel, his Cas. It had been a decade, a decade of pain and hard work to forget, well, everything. But he couldn’t forget because all of it was tied to Castiel, all the bad things that had led Dean to break Castiel's heart, they were all tied together in his heart and his mind.</p><p>Then he had seen him that Saturday at the country club, and he couldn’t breathe. He was still the most beautiful man Dean had ever seen, and he had only grown sexier and more beautiful with his broad shoulders, his stubble, blue eyes that were bluer than ever, he even had a tattoo peeking through the sleeve of his polo shirt, and the way his ass looked in those khaki pants he wore had awoken a fire, a desire that Dean had buried ten years ago. He had hoped that Castiel would at least call to talk to him. He missed him, but it had been a week, and he still hadn't. He understood why he didn’t call him, but it didn’t hurt any less.</p><p>All in all, it didn’t matter, Dean wasn’t gay, right? He hadn't been with a man for a decade, he shouldn't feel romantic or sexual desires for men. He still felt those forbidden things sometimes, but he never acted upon them. It wasn't right.</p><p>He was a ladies man now, even though he hadn't been with a woman for three years since Cassie broke up with him. After the breakup, he had gone back to his habit of picking up random women at bars, bartenders, and waitresses just so he could feel something, to fill the void that had always been there for as long as he could remember, but it didn’t work. Things were getting dark again. However, he couldn't run away from it.</p><p>The memories were starting to come back. They were all dark and foggy, but he could hear himself say the words “<em>What are you doing? Stop. Cas?”</em> over and over again. No. He was not going to think about it. He was not going to destroy his life again over this. He needed to get out of his head.</p><p>Dean stood up abruptly and ran to the balcony to get fresh air, he needed it. He couldn’t think about Castiel, at least not while he was alone in his apartment. Bad things might happen. He breathed in and out for a few minutes like his therapist and taught him. It only seemed to work for a short while, so he decided to take a walk because being around people might help. He could’ve gone to Jody and Donna’s but they were still at the hospital, so he changed into his sweatpants and went to the coffee shop around the corner. He really could use a drink, or better yet, he needed to go see Dr. Mildred Baker.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dean opens up about some things.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I never know what to say in the notes. Just enjoy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
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  <em> <strong>“Perhaps someday I’ll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. But not as long as I can make stories out of my heartbreak, beauty out of sorrow.”-Sylvia Plath</strong> </em>
</p><p>“I can feel the walls closing in on me, I gasp for air but I choke. I am trapped. I try to run, but the claws drag me back in. I cry out, but there’s no one there to save me…my heart leaps in fear. My knees buckle and I fall. I can hear hounds growling behind me. I try crawling to the door but the door seems to be stretching further and further away from my reach with every move I make,” Dean trembled as he recalled, his eyes were red-rimmed.</p><p><br/>Dr. Mildred Baker handed him a glass of water which he took eagerly and gulped down its contents. She watched him intently and wrote something in her notebook, her cool demeanor placating Dean, albeit to a very small extent.</p><p><br/>“Is that where the nightmare ends?” She probed, her eyes soft and a look of concern on her face.</p><p><br/>“Sometimes. But other times, it starts there then I stretch my hands but nothing is within my reach. The room reeks of icy polluted air. I shiver. The hallway torches start dimming and suddenly the whole place is engulfed in total darkness and I can’t see. And...and...I can hardly stand because the walls are too close together now. I can feel them pressing against my body. I'm sure the walls are going to crush me to death because I can feel the cold concrete crushing my ribs, so I close my eyes and wait to hear my bones crush and tear through my flesh. Then I wake up covered in sweat, screaming,” Dean finished, sniffling. Tears were rolling down his face, so he reached for the box of tissues and blew his nose.</p><p><br/>Mildred watched him and let out a soft sigh. She had been his therapist for the past six months and they were not making any progress. Dean would still not open up even though he showed up for their weekly sessions without fail. He had only talked about work and his brother Sam but never the heavy stuff; the things that gave him nightmares, it was time to change things up.</p><p><br/>“Dean, why do you think you keep having this recurring nightmare?” she asked, as she closed her notebook.</p><p><br/>“Aren’t you the shrink? You tell me,” Dean sniffled and chuckled a little, “I thought that’s what I pay you for.”</p><p><br/>“Dean, you know I want to help you. The first day you walked in here you said that you needed my help, and I am trying to help you. But you have to let me help. Talk to me,” she implored. Dean looked up at her, and she gave him a small smile.</p><p><br/>“Honestly, I don’t know. But the nightmare got worse a week ago.”</p><p><br/>“Did anything happen a week ago?”</p><p><br/>“Umm...I met Cas after a decade.”</p><p><br/>“Cas?” She asked, a frown forming on her beautiful face. She was well in her sixties, but she was still beautiful and soft-spoken.</p><p><br/>“My...my ex. I don’t know, he isn’t technically my ex since we never dated, but he’s a guy I loved some time back and we..uh..well...I...let’s just say things didn’t work out,” he laughed nervously, sniffling back tears.</p><p><br/>“And why did things not work out?”</p><p><br/>“I...uh...I broke up with him, and all he ever did was love me,” Dean was spiraling and the tears kept falling, "I loved him, I think I still do." Mildred was happy that they were making a little progress, she needed him to let it all out. It was the only way she could help him.</p><p><br/>“So why did you break up with him?” When she asked that, Dean’s body tensed up and he hugged himself and looked away, he was looking everywhere but at her. He drew his hands towards his body and hugged himself, a pained look crossed his face and he frowned.</p><p><br/>“Can we talk about something else? Please?”</p><p><br/>“Dean, I can’t help you if you don’t let me in.”</p><p><br/>“I don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p><br/>“Why not?”</p><p><br/>“Because remembering is worse than the recurring nightmares,” he sniffed, wiping the tears that were drying on his face.</p><p><br/>“Okay, I hear you. But tell you what, how about you tell Cas why you did it,” she coaxed, concerned.</p><p><br/>“I don’t think...I can’t. And even if I wanted to, he doesn’t want to talk to me,” he said, looking up at Mildred who was wearing a frown on her face.</p><p><br/>“How do you know?”</p><p><br/>“Because, when we met, I...uh...I gave him my business card and asked him to call me but he hasn’t.”</p><p><br/>“Yet.”</p><p><br/>“Huh?”</p><p><br/>“He hasn’t called you yet. Have you stopped to think how hard it must be for him, seeing you after all those years? Maybe he doesn’t know what to say,” Mildred placated, sitting back in her seat watching Dean do the same on the couch.</p><p><br/>“So now you are taking his side?” he blurted out and gave her a hard look.</p><p><br/>“There are no sides here, Dean. I am just simply trying to help.”</p><p><br/>“Well, it doesn’t feel like that.”</p><p><br/>“I’m sorry you feel that way. However, I think you need to at least think about talking to him.”</p><p><br/>“I...okay,” Dean wanted to argue but he realized that he was not in the right headspace. Besides, Mildred was just trying to help him. There was no point in being mad at a notebook because, at the end of the day, she got to go home and live her life while Dean was stuck in limbo.</p><p><br/>“Looks like our time is up. I’ll see you at the same time next week?” she asked, looking at the drained hourglass and jotting down something in her diary then her notebook.</p><p><br/>“Okay. Thank you,” Dean said, sincerely. She had helped him a great deal and although his progress was small, he was the one to blame because he wouldn’t open up.</p><p><br/>“Don’t forget to do breathing exercises before bed as we talked about, they will help you relax,” she reminded him as they both stood up.</p><p><br/>“I will,” Dean smiled and walked out of Dr. Mildred’s office, his heart feeling heavier than ever. He wanted to tell Castiel everything, even that after all these years he had never known peace after what happened between them. However, he didn’t know how to broach that topic and, worse still, to a man who didn’t want to talk to him. He took a deep breath as he walked out of the building into the noisy New York streets.</p><p> </p><p>➽➽➽</p><p><br/>Castiel adjusted the tie on his neck and took another sip of his negroni pretending to listen to Micheal’s speech about how important it was to help the needy. It is not that Castiel didn’t care, he just hated it when Michael gave speeches because they were often rehearsed and humorless. He looked to his side where Balthazar was seated and he winked at him. They both laughed and got pointed looks from their counterparts at the table.</p><p><br/>“What’s so funny?” Mick’s Irish accent graced his ear from his other side, and he turned to look at him.</p><p><br/>“Nothing. It’s just Zar being Zar,” Castiel snorted. Mick shrugged and sipped his mulled wine without saying anything else.</p><p><br/>“...and now, I will leave you to it. Thank you for coming to join us in this endeavor and enjoy the rest of your evening,” Michael finished and left the podium. People clapped and Castiel joined them even though he couldn’t remember half of what Micheal had said.</p><p><br/>“So what now?” Mick inquired as he stood up and put his hand on Castiel’s shoulder.</p><p><br/>“Now we drink!” Balthazar exclaimed, banging the table with his hands and laughing so loudly people turned to look at them. Castiel shook his head and raised his glass.</p><p><br/>“I’ll drink to that!” he reiterated, sipping his cocktail. Mick laughed and called over a waiter to bring him another drink.</p><p><br/>Every year,<em> Shurley Business Management Consultants</em> (SBMC) held a party to usher in Spring. The parties varied every year from cocktail parties to game day. The parties were technically a fundraiser but with fun things to do to motivate their employees and also a way to give back to society. The previous year they had hosted a game day and invited some of their clients to play softball, soccer, and kickball. It had been fun and they had raised over half a million dollars for a school building project in Nicaragua.</p><p><br/>This year, they had decided to throw a cocktail party where they had a small fashion show modeled by kids. The money raised would go towards the <em>For Love Foundation</em> which helped raise funds to pay for surgeries for kids with heart defects. At the end of the night, the guests would later be given heart-shaped pendants with <em>for love</em> written beautifully on them, among other goodies. So to Castiel, these parties were not about business but rather about bonding and helping the needy.</p><p><br/>He mingled with the guests, drank, and talked for a bit. Some tried to talk business, but Castiel was not in the mood, so he ended up telling them that it was a brilliant idea but tonight was for the kids so how about they talk business in the office on Monday, or that he had a few too many cocktails and he couldn’t tell the difference between a merger and an acquisition at the moment, garnering a few laughs from the guests.</p><p><br/>At some point, Mick had left to meet with some fellow lawyer friends who had come to the party, and Balthazar was busy flirting with a woman old enough to be his mother, and from the way things were going, she would be calling him baby before the night was over.</p><p><br/>Castiel was avoiding Michael knowing full well that he would want to talk about business, so, since he was alone, he decided to leave the party and go to his office where there was a well-aged Macallan that he could enjoy in the quiet space. He looked around for Mick but he seemed rather engrossed in a conversation with the douchebag lawyer, Arthur Ketch, among others. Balthazar had left the room and so had his older companion, <em>Good for you brother, good for you</em>, he thought as he took the elevator down to the lobby.</p><p><br/>Once he got downstairs, he removed his tie, opened the topmost button of his shirt, and breathed in the cool night air. He then texted Mick to let him know he had left. He didn't get a reply. After a few minutes, he called his driver, notifying him that he needed to leave when someone called his name from the side.</p><p><br/>“Dean?” Castiel turned to look at the handsome intruder, “Are you stalking me?” <em>Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!</em> Castiel had not called Dean since he gave him his business card at the country club, and he had hoped to not see him again. At least, that is what he had tried to convince himself, but he knew better. Now, Dean was standing right in front of him looking like some Adonis, and he could not, for the life of him, understand why he never called him.</p><p><br/>“Maybe...uh...I saw you leave the party, and I thought I should say hi,” Dean chuckled fumbling with his navy blue suit jacket trying to open his button.</p><p><br/>“I didn’t see you on the guestlist,” Castiel blurted out without thinking. He regretted it, but it was too late to take it back.</p><p><br/>“My boss was invited, and as I told you last week, he was leaving the country. This was one of the things he needed me to take care of for him,” Dean stated sheepishly, but with the sexiest smile Castiel had ever seen. Castiel’s throat was dry and the air was getting hot, so he opened the second button of his shirt and breathed in and out.</p><p><br/>“Oh, yeah, I...Sandover was on the guestlist. I’m sorry for being rude, I just needed to get out of there,” Castiel apologized, his eyes meeting Dean’s who smiled shyly.</p><p><br/>“It’s okay.”</p><p><br/>Castiel’s car arrived, and his driver got out to open his door for him. He went to enter and then looked back at Dean.</p><p><br/>“Join me,” he blurted out with hope in his eyes. He half expected Dean to decline the offer but was surprised when Dean looked at him in shock, shook his head, smiled, and said, “Yeah. Sure,” before joining him.</p><p><br/>They sat awkwardly in the back seat trying not to sit too close to each other. Castiel removed his suit jacket and folded it on his lap.</p><p><br/>“Where to, Sir?” the driver asked, politely.</p><p><br/>“Where do you want to go, Dean?” Castiel asked, looking at Dean sternly in that way he had looked at him all those years ago like he could see into his soul.</p><p><br/>“Wherever you’re going,” Dean replied, a twinkle in his eye like he was up for anything.</p><p><br/>“I know a place that has the best scotch. Let’s go,” Castiel grinned and gave the driver directions. Dean sat quietly beside him, looking outside the window as they were driven the short distance to their destination.</p><p><br/>Dean had expected a loud, noisy nightclub, but instead, they ended up on Riverside in a quaint, yet classy bar and restaurant with old leather couches and mahogany walls. It smelled like leather and cigars, soft 60s music was playing, and there were like a dozen people, mostly men seated there, smoking and nursing their drinks. Castiel said something to the hostess, and they were led to a corner table furthest from prying eyes. They slid onto the couches opposite of each other with Dean facing the front door.</p><p><br/>“Wow, what is this place?” Dean asked, looking around as he removed his suit jacket draping it over his seat. His muscular chest and arms flexed and bulged under the thin material as he loosened his tie, Castiel gulped. <em>Fuck. Dean was so hot</em>.</p><p><br/>“It’s where I come whenever I need to be around people without actually interacting with anyone,” Castiel smiled, running a hand through his unruly mop of hair.</p><p><br/>“You call this being around people?” Dean asked bewildered, “There are barely a dozen people in here.”</p><p><br/>“You know me, people are not my cup of tea.”</p><p><br/>“Yeah, I remember.”</p><p><br/>A handsome young man about their age in a black suit and bowtie came to ask for their drink orders.</p><p><br/>“I’ll have the usual, and you Dean?” Castiel inquired as he and the young man turned to look at Dean.</p><p><br/>“I’ll have a ginger ale, thanks,” he smiled at the young man who nodded and left the table. “I...uh...I don’t drink anymore.”</p><p><br/>“Oh,” Castiel frowned. The last time he had seen Dean, he seemed to enjoy drinking, not in a bad way, but he seemed okay with it. However, a decade had passed and anything could've happened to change his mind during that time. He did not want to pry so he nodded and smiled at Dean, who smiled back.</p><p><br/>“To clarify, I’m not a recovering alcoholic or anything. It’s just that...I- I just don’t have the same relationship with alcohol as I used to is all.”</p><p><br/>“It happens. No need to explain. Let’s go somewhere else, get a coffee maybe,” Castiel cleared his throat as the young man brought their drinks and set them on the table.</p><p><br/>“No, it’s fine. It’s not your fault. I should’ve said something earlier,” Dean said with a smile. He had stretched out his hand to touch Castiel’s, but he retrieved it at the last minute. Castiel did not notice as he watched the young man leave the table. </p><p><br/>“So, I saw you on the SBMC brochure today. You’re a Shurley, huh?”</p><p><br/><em>Shit!</em> “It’s not something I’m particularly proud of, the name. And the lie,” Castiel said, playing with his glass and avoiding Dean's gaze.</p><p><br/>“Family, am I right?” Dean smiled sadly.</p><p><br/>“Tell me about it.” Castiel huffed and looked at Dean who had a far off look in his eyes as if he was remembering something unpleasant.</p><p><br/>“So, who’s Novak?” Dean asked after a beat of silence, his eyebrows raised in curiosity.</p><p><br/>“Still curious, I see," Castiel laughed, remembering how Dean had been curious about everything all those years ago. <em>Some things never change</em>. Dean smiled at him and then shrugged. Castiel shook his head and laughed again, "He was a childhood friend.”</p><p><br/>“Hmm a friend, huh?” Dean asked suggestively, his eyes dancing with mischief.</p><p><br/>“Just an old friend, Dean,” Castiel replied. He shook his head and rolled his eyes. Dean was insufferable.</p><p><br/>“Where is said old friend now?”</p><p><br/>“He found God.”</p><p><br/>“Huh?” Castiel shook his head indicating that he could not elaborate any further because he was confused by the whole Jimmy Novak finding God situation as well.</p><p><br/>They both laughed, it was funny how even after all these years they went back to their old habit of clarifying whether the other’s friend was just a friend or more. They sipped their drinks in silence and when they made eye contact again, they both chuckled.</p><p><br/>“You know, your lie is nothing compared to what I did,” Dean said awkwardly, sipping his drink. After, he put the glass back on the table and started drawing circles on the glass.</p><p><br/>“Right into the heavy stuff, I see,” Castiel huffed, eyeing Dean who was still avoiding eye contact still playing with his glass.</p><p><br/>“I just...wanted to clear the air. I wouldn’t call me either, after what I did,” Dean said with a look in his eyes that would’ve broken Castiel’s heart if it was still whole.</p><p><br/>“Dean, I...I just didn’t know what to say. Honestly, I still don’t know what to say,” Castiel faltered, his eyes never leaving Dean’s face, and all he saw was pain written all over it. A tear left Dean’s left eye, and he looked away wiping it with his hand.</p><p><br/>“So why’d you invite me here?” Dean mumbled as he turned to look at Castiel who was clearly shocked by Dean’s reaction.</p><p><br/>“I don’t know.”</p><p><br/>“You don’t know,” Dean laughed sardonically, shaking his head, his eyes welling with unshed tears as he looked at Castiel whose eyes were equally sad, his face was contorted in dismay. Dean gulped down his drink, picked up his jacket, and stood up to leave.</p><p><br/>Castiel stood up with him and held his arm, “Dean, wait!” he hissed, “Could you please sit?”</p><p><br/>Dean looked at him and then at where Castiel was holding his hand. He slumped down on the seat looking distressed as he looked around the room to see if anyone had seen their scuffle, no one even seemed to be paying attention to them.</p><p><br/>“What do you want, Cas? I hurt you, and yet you want me to stay?” Dean asked as he busied himself trying to straighten his jacket.</p><p>“Can we talk like two adults, please?” Castiel implored. “Yes, you hurt me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t talk to you. Find out how you are doing.”</p><p><br/>“I don’t deserve your kindness, Cas.”</p><p><br/>“Who said I am being kind. Maybe this is my way of punishing you for what you did.”</p><p><br/>“You’re still not funny.”</p><p><br/>“Oh, I know,” Castiel laughed and Dean hesitantly joined him, visibly relaxed as he sat back on the seat. Their waiter brought them their second round of drinks. Castiel took a swig of his scotch and huffed. Dean laughed.</p><p><br/>“I am sorry, Cas. For everything,” Dean said after the young man had left. “My dad, he...uh... found out about us. He made me choose between being an outcast from my family, or rather my family and college, and I couldn’t...you know I wanted to be with you, but I just couldn’t...”</p><p><br/>Dean had lied. That was not the whole truth, it was a very small part of it, but if he wanted this night to go on without a hitch, he needed to tell Castiel why he did what he did, even if it was a partial truth. He just hoped he would take it well and forgive him.</p><p><br/>“Dean, you don’t have to explain anything. I understand. I have moved on,” Castiel lied. He hadn’t. Ten years later and he was still pining for the same man who broke him, the man who made him fall in love for the first time in his life and then he wrecked it for him so much so that he just never felt that way about anyone ever again. He had come close once but it wasn't quite the same.</p><p><br/>“I just needed you to know. I’m so sorry, Cas,” Dean said, looking him right in the eyes. Castiel could tell that he was not telling him the whole truth because something in his beautiful hazel eyes was begging Castiel to take the apology and the explanation and not ask for the whole truth.</p><p><br/>“I understand, Dean. Apology accepted.”</p><p><br/>“Just like that?” Dean was both worried and relieved at how fast Castiel had accepted his apology, but if he had moved on, then that was good right? He didn’t have anything to worry about then. He was absolved. However, something at the back of his mind told him that lies had a way of catching up with you. He ignored it.</p><p><br/>“Just like that. Friends?”</p><p><br/>“Friends,” they smiled at each other as they shook hands on it.</p><p>“So, what do friends talk about?"</p><p><br/>“I don’t know, stuff, like what do you talk about with Gordon and Lee?”</p><p><br/>Dean chuckled nervously, “I haven’t talked to Gordon in three months. He’s been travelling all over the world marketing his new wine with Bela.”</p><p><br/>“Yeah, I know. I met them briefly last summer in Greece, they are doing pretty well.”</p><p><br/>“Yeah. Do you know he sends me a case of his latest favourite wine every year on my birthday?” Dean gushed, sipping his ginger ale.</p><p><br/>“Really? Can he be my friend too?” Castiel quipped.</p><p><br/>“Of course! I don’t mind sharing.” They both laughed at that as they watched their handsome waiter place another round of drinks on the table. Castiel observed the way Dean was checking him out but he would look away immediately as if he was ashamed. Since he didn’t want the night to end so abruptly, Castiel chose not to inquire what that was about.</p><p><br/>“What about Lee?” Castiel asked, sipping his scotch and watching Dean curiously. He saw the way Dean’s body tensed after he mentioned Lee’s name, <em>had something happened between them?</em></p><p><br/>“Moved to Nashville, last I heard,” Dean said, nonchalantly. Castiel could tell that he was trying hard not to show how he felt but he did not miss the way his eyes hardened, the way he rubbed his arm, and the way he bit his jaw, hard.</p><p>“Decided to pursue music, huh? Good for him,” Castiel tried to lighten the mood but Dean just looked at his drink and swirled it around. “And your brother?”</p><p><br/>“Sammy?” Dean looked up at the mention of his brother, his whole demeanor changed, he was beaming. “He is doing great, he’s currently doing a clerkship for a Judge here in New York.”</p><p><br/>“Wow! That’s quite impressive!" Castiel exclaimed.</p><p><br/>“I know. He’s the smartest person I know,” Dean gushed, and with that, he was back to being the Dean Castiel had known years ago.</p><p><br/>After that, their night was filled with laughter as they talked about the fun times they’d had in the past decade, their college experiences, and life in general. Neither of them broached the topic of love or significant others, or even work. They parted ways at around two in the morning and promised to see each other again.</p><p><br/>That night, Dean had that awful dream again, but this time there was a different detail. As he closed his eyes and waited to hear the crush of his bones and his bones tear through his flesh This time, he did not feel the pain of bone tearing through flesh or the noise of crushing bones. Instead, there was silence and he was laying beside a pond, two swans were swimming in it, water lilies floating around. There was green grass around it and roses were blooming.He could breathe now, not the icy polluted air, it was the fresh country air. There was a cool breeze and the sun shone brightly in the blue sky, its warm rays kissing his skin. It was all so divine.In the distance behind him, he heard a thud and when he looked back, he saw a dark tower crumble, dark smoke overshadowing it. A deafening howl echoed as the old walls came down. It was scary and it looked like it was coming for him, so he stood up and ran, but he tripped. He could feel himself falling and falling, and as he braced himself for the impact, he felt himself floating as two strong arms held him. He looked up and a pair of gorgeous azure eyes were gazing into his. His heart skipped a beat as he heard birds chirping, and butterflies fly around him. Then there were stars and then darkness.</p><p><br/>Dean woke up with a start. This time he wasn’t covered in sweat, but he was panting and the morning sun was peeking through his curtains. <em>What the fuck was happening to him?</em></p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>“You are helpful, and you are loved, and you are forgiven, and you are not alone.”-John Green.</strong> </em>
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<p><br/>Michael sat on the uncomfortable bench across from his brother Nick who looked at him with mocking puppy dog eyes.</p>
<p><br/>“Talk to me Mikey, I’m bored,” Nick whined as he straightened his back and stomped his feet. He also started thrumming his fingers on the table.</p>
<p><br/>“How are we even related?” Michael asked, shaking his head in disbelief. If he didn’t know any better, he would think that the man sitting in front of him was not his brother.</p>
<p><br/>Nick was always the apple of Chuck’s eye- until he wasn’t. Or maybe he still was, and that’s why Chuck had ran and<em> stayed away</em> longer than usual because he was disappointed and ashamed of what the son he thought would carry on his legacy had become.</p>
<p><br/>It’s funny how Michael rarely got the same kind of love. He had done everything perfectly ever since he was born. He had done his father’s bidding, never defied him, he even left the woman he loved because his father had asked him to. However, no matter how good he was, he could never measure up to golden boy Nick, or he liked to call himself, Luci, short for Lucifer.</p>
<p><br/>See, the thing was, Chuck was obsessed with biblical mythology, specifically angels. He named all his children after angels, save for Nick. He never gave him an angel name because he believed that no angel name fit his <em>perfect</em> son. He had Michael, the obedient one, Gabriel, the funny one, Balthazar, the problem solver, Hannah, the quiet one, Castiel, the one with a crack in his chassis, and Samandriel, the dreamer. Nick never fit any description because he was complex and perfect. Chuck had often joked that he would’ve named him Lucifer because Lucifer had been perfect until he wasn’t. Either way, Nick wasn’t all that happy about not having an angel name, so he made everyone call him Luci, informally, and as it turned out, he<em> really</em> was Lucifer.</p>
<p><br/>“Look, I miss you, bro. Why don’t you ever come to see me anymore?” he whined as he scrunched his face and thrummed his fingers on his chin.</p>
<p><br/><em>Kill me now. Is this what my life has become? Talking to a whiny little bitch who can’t get over daddy abandoning him, like I haven’t had to deal with that crap all my life?</em> Michael wanted to say all of that, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t crass, he was responsible and poised.</p>
<p><br/>“I have a company to run, Nick. I can’t be out here visiting you every week. I have to drive almost a hundred miles to get here for Christ’s sake,” Michael was starting to get angry if the sourness in his words was anything to go by.</p>
<p><br/>“Okay, Okay. Just chill, okay? Why didn't you just use the chopper? I mean it would’ve been like a ten minute flight,” Nick quipped, looking at Michael as if it was the obvious thing to do.</p>
<p><br/>“So I have to waste more company resources on you after what you did? You almost bankrupted us, and now what? I have to spend more money on you?” Michael was starting to get angry, he had to fold his hand into a fist to stop himself from punching his brother. Nick was the devil, wasn’t he? He knew how to get under your skin and slither into your mind and just tickle you where it hurt and annoyed you most.</p>
<p><br/>“Okay fine. I was just trying to help,” Nick raised his hands in surrender, looking at Michael with a sad look on his face.</p>
<p><br/>Michael huffed and took a few breaths to calm himself. He did not have time to waste here, he was the CEO of a company that was just barely getting its head out of the water after what Nick had done. Yet he was here to see the same man, the ungrateful man who destroyed it. But he was family, and he had something to say, so Michael calmed himself and put on a barely-there smile.<em> Family sucks!</em></p>
<p><br/>“Why’d you ask me to come here, Nick?”</p>
<p><br/>“Brother, don’t be like that…”</p>
<p><br/>“Look, if you won’t tell me what it is, then go ahead and do whatever you said you were going to do. I know I haven’t done anything wrong.”</p>
<p><br/>“Oh, really? Because you are so perfect, Mr. DUI.”</p>
<p><br/>“Really? I got those DUIs to cover for your ass, so don’t try and spin this around. What do you want?”</p>
<p><br/>“I just wanted to see you.”</p>
<p><br/>“Seriously, Nick? I’m out of here.” Michael’s anger was starting to rear its ugly head again. He was sure that if he stayed there a moment longer, he would probably punch his brother. He stood up and said “Goodbye, Nick,” as he started to walk away.</p>
<p><br/>“How’s Adam fairing by the way?” Nick’s voice came from behind him. On hearing his son’s name, Michael turned around and walked back to Nick’s table. There was no one else around, and the guards were not paying them any attention.</p>
<p><br/>“Keep my son’s name out of your mouth!” Michael hissed as he leaned over the table, staring Nick down. Nick smiled at him.</p>
<p><br/>“Does he know what we did to get him back?” Nick countered, the smug smile still on his face.</p>
<p><br/>“What we did?” Michael was confused. “What are you talking about?”</p>
<p><br/>“Wouldn’t you like to know?" Nick laughed, standing up. "How about you come to visit me next month, and maybe I’ll tell you.”</p>
<p><br/>Michael straightened his back and stood toe to toe with his brother. Their blue eyes staring into each other. Michael’s were staring daggers into Nick’s while Nick’s danced with mischief.</p>
<p><br/>“Tell me now! What did you do?”</p>
<p><br/>“See you, next month brother. I will email you the details, I know you won’t pick up my calls,” Nick winked then smirked.</p>
<p><br/>“Nick, I swear to God!”</p>
<p><br/>“Careful now brother, you don’t want to say something you might regret now do you?” Nick mocked “Guards!”</p>
<p><br/>“Nick,”Michael pleaded with his brother one last time, but Nick blew him a kiss and turned his back on him.</p>
<p><br/>Michael stood there helplessly with his hands clenched into fists, gritting his teeth, and he watched as his brother was escorted away.</p>
<p>➽➽➽</p>
<p><br/>“You will be working with an IT expert to test the prototype,” Zachariah explained to Dean.<br/>Zachariah was Dean's boss and the Managing Director of Sandover Inc. He was a tall, balding man with a stern face and insisted on being referred to as Sir.</p>
<p><br/>They were seated in Zacahariah’s office, discussing the smart engine prototype that Dean and his team were working on.</p>
<p><br/>“That’s okay, sir,” Dean nodded. He loved his job and would do whatever was required of him to meet deadlines and make sure all the tests ran smoothly.</p>
<p><br/>“So, I will let your supervisor explain the rest and do the introductions,” Zachariah said, leaning back on his office chair with a serious look on his face. He never smiled and was always straight to the point.</p>
<p><br/>“Thank you sir,” Dean said, standing up.</p>
<p><br/>“How was the cocktail party last week? I hear that they threw a fashion show?” Zachariah inquired, his unsmiling eyes meeting Dean’s as if he knew a secret about him.</p>
<p><br/>“It was very good, Sir. The fashion show was spectacular.”</p>
<p><br/>Zachariah grunted and something that looked like a smile tugged at his lips. <em>That was a first</em>.</p>
<p><br/>“Did you enjoy yourself?”</p>
<p><br/>“Very much, sir.”</p>
<p><br/>“Good. Now, get back to work. We have no room for slackers here.”</p>
<p><br/>“Good day, sir,” Dean said, walking out of Zachariah’s office and into the hallway where he let out the breath he had been holding in.</p>
<p><br/>He was afraid of Zachariah; he liked things done a particular way and if his objectives weren’t met, there were consequences, bad ones. He reminded him of his dad, especially how he insisted on being called sir.</p>
<p><br/>However, Zachariah was different from John in that he rewarded hard work with a promotion or a pay raise. When he had worked at the <em>Winchester-Singer Auto Garage,</em> whenever he had done a good job or worked hard, John would tell him to work harder, and instead of a pay raise, he told him to be grateful that he had food in his belly and a roof over his head. Then John would get drunk and either call him an ungrateful ingrate the entire night until he slumped on the sofa, face down laying in his own puke, or he would disappear for days leaving him and Sam with neither food nor money.</p>
<p><br/>Zachariah seemed to have taken an interest in Dean, and he wasn't sure whether to be worried or happy about it. All he knew is that he was being watched, and there wasn’t room for mistakes. He loved his job and was always excited to show up to work, so he wasn’t worried about that.</p>
<p><br/>When he got to his office, Rufus Turner, his supervisor, was waiting for him.</p>
<p><br/>“Let’s go meet your new partner, slacker,” Rufus patted him on the back and walked ahead of him to the IT department which was two floors down. They took the stairs because Rufus believed that an engineer should always be fit. Also because Rufus didn’t trust elevators. For an engineer, he was awfully skeptical of an engineering marvel, and his defence, when asked why he didn't trust them, was to say that he just preferred the stairs. The truth was, he was claustrophobic.</p>
<p><br/>Rufus was one of uncle Bobby’s friends from his army days. He had helped Dean get a job at Sandover Inc. in California as an Associate Engineer after college.</p>
<p><br/>Dean had moved to California to be close to his brother Sam as he studied at Stanford Law. When Rufus had told him there was a vacancy for an engineer at the New York office, he had applied for it. He had hoped to get it because, now that Sam was almost done with school, he could admit that California was not a place he wanted to live. There was a lot going on there, all the time, and people seemed to not have a care in the world. For his part, he cared a little too much. He was hungry for a better life. All he wanted was to make sure that he and his brother were set for life, and that meant that they had to work hard to achieve it. So, when he got the job, he told Sam about it. His brother was happy for him, and since there was nothing tying them both in California, they moved to New York.</p>
<p><br/>“This is Charlene Bradbury, she’ll be working with you from now on. Miss Bradbury, this is Dean Winchester, Engineer.”</p>
<p><br/>“Charlie. What’s up?” Charlie smiled at Dean. She was a petite, quirky, beautiful woman with long red hair. She wore a plaid shirt on top of a graphic t-shirt, a pair of jeans and fingerless gloves. She also had a set of headphones around her neck.</p>
<p><br/>“Nice to meet you, Charlie,” Dean smiled back and shook her hand. “You have a strong grip for a…”</p>
<p><br/>“If you say for a girl I will smack you,” Charlie reprimanded.</p>
<p><br/>“No, I was going to say for a nerd.”</p>
<p><br/>“I’m a geek, but, gotcha,”she laughed, looking up at Dean’s 6’2” frame with her big green eyes. Dean laughed nervously, he wasn’t sure how to feel about Charlie yet, but something deep down told him that he would like her.</p>
<p><br/>“So, I’ll leave you two to it. Seems like you’re off to a good start,” Rufus chimed in as he left the room.</p>
<p><br/>“Thanks Rufus,” Dean said as he sat on the seat that Charlie had pulled up next to her. She had two desktops with a bunch of numbers and algorithms that Dean didn’t understand running. On her laptop, she opened a folder that had the schematics for the engine prototype that Dean was working on. Now <em>that</em> he understood.</p>
<p><br/>“Shall we begin?” Charlie asked as she cracked her knuckles, smiling at Dean. That smile reminded him of Jo Harvelle from way back home in Kansas. The little sister he never had.</p>
<p><br/>“After you,” Dean replied as he watched Charlie tap the keys on her laptop, explaining what she was doing. He had a feeling that he was going to enjoy working with his new partner very much.</p>
<p><br/>By the time they were done modifying the prototype, Dean realized that he had had more fun with Charlie than he had ever had since becoming an engineer six years ago. He’d also not worried about Sam, or even thought about Castiel for the three hours they had been working. He was glad that for the first time in a decade, he had not worried or obsessed over anything.</p>
<p><br/>➽➽➽</p>
<p><br/>“Why would you go to see him?” Castiel was pacing in Michael’s office agitated.</p>
<p><br/>“He’s <em>our</em> brother, and he had something to say,” Michael said, typing away on his laptop.</p>
<p><br/>“Half-brother on my part. Could you stop typing for one second please?” Castiel asked, slumping on the chair across from Michael’s desk.</p>
<p><br/>“Look, I didn’t call you here to judge me for seeing him. I had my reasons, okay?” Michael stopped typing and looked up at Castiel, he looked worried. “We need to find dad and bring him back home.”</p>
<p><br/>“What?” Castiel was surprised that Michael would want Chuck back after he just left without as much as a goodbye when Nick was arrested, leaving Michael to clean up the mess. “Michael, No.”</p>
<p><br/>“Yes, Castiel. We need to find him because he’s the only person who can deal with Nick. I can’t deal with him, keep this company running, and raise a son on my own.”</p>
<p><br/>“Your son is nineteen, he’s grown.”</p>
<p><br/>“And?”</p>
<p><br/>“You can’t raise an adult.”</p>
<p><br/>“Are you a parent, Castiel?”</p>
<p><br/>“Not that I know of.”</p>
<p><br/>“Then shut up and leave the parenting to me.”</p>
<p><br/>Castiel rolled his eyes and kept quiet for a while before sighing, “So how do we find dad?”</p>
<p><br/>“I honestly don’t know. Do you think aunt Amara knows where he is?” Michael pondered.</p>
<p><br/>“I would think so. Those two are thick as thieves,” Castiel offered, feeling a weight settle on his shoulders. His family was exhausting- too much melodrama.</p>
<p><br/>“Okay, I’ll talk to her. In the meantime, you have to hold down the fort as the CFO a little while longer. I can’t seem to find someone to replace Nick.”</p>
<p><br/>“Why am I always paying for people’s mistakes? I had a life before all this mess you know? You promised it would only be for a short while. It’s been three years, Michael. I need to be a free man.”</p>
<p><br/>“Look, Castiel. This is our family business, dad's legacy, and we are the <em>only</em> ones left keeping it afloat. Just hold on a little bit longer, I'm sure we will find someone, soon. Besides, you are <em>really</em> good at your job.”</p>
<p><br/>“Yeah? What about my legacy? Things I want to do before I run out of time?”</p>
<p><br/>“You’re barely thirty. Come back in ten years when you’re my age and realize you still don’t have a life because you’re cleaning up your family’s messes.”</p>
<p><br/>“I’m sorry. I just need to go back to my life, you know? I deserve better; we both do,” Castiel huffed and spun around in his chair.</p>
<p><br/>“Oh brother, since when do we get what we deserve?” Michael asked him with a knowing look on his face. He had been through it before. He knew getting what they deserved was never in the cards, at least not for them, not in this lifetime.</p>
<p><br/>Castiel didn’t respond. He just gave him a sad look as he stood up and walked back to his office. It was going to be a long year, and it had just barely begun.</p>
<p><br/>As Castiel sat at his desk working, he kept going back on his conversation with Michael and his words, <em>“Oh brother, since when do we get what we deserve?”</em> Castiel knew he deserved better. He deserved to be free of working for this company, and he wanted more out of life than just a family name and legacy. All he had ever wanted to do was travel the world, pursue photography, write shitty poems, and keep bees. That’s all he ever wanted- with Dean by his side as well. He knew if he had that, he could die a happy man. Unfortunately, life had other plans for him. Nick had gone to prison, Chuck had run away, and Dean had left him.</p>
<p><br/>Dean had written him an awful letter effectively breaking up with him, and boy, had he been broken. He wanted so much to believe that somehow he had done something wrong to push him away, so he blamed himself for not trying hard enough for him. For not trying hard enough to solve his problems back home.</p>
<p><br/>He blamed himself because when Dean stopped picking up his calls, he should’ve gone to check up on him. Instead, he had been a coward and had been afraid of facing Dean’s homophobic dad. Not because he was scared that John would hurt Dean, he had done so already. Not because he was afraid that John would shoot him in the head and mail his remains to Chuck. No, he hadn’t gone because he had known the moment Dean had left France, it was over for them. They were from two different worlds, but if he had just been brave enough to go after him, to face John and save Dean from him, maybe, just maybe he could’ve had it all.<br/>In the back of his mind, he knew he wasn’t to blame. He knew there was nothing more he could’ve done, but blaming himself for it all was better than admitting that Dean did not want him anymore. The only person that he had ever wanted to spend the rest of his life with had broken his heart and left him hollow with only the cold words of his letter echoing where his heart once used to be. He retrieved the letter from his drawer and tortured himself with its words.</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is a bit angst.<br/>Also there's some implied smut.<br/>Enjoy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>
    <em>“Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I'm sending you love. You're my friend to the end.”- Spike Jonze.</em>
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</p><p>“You wanna join us, work wife?” Charlie chirped as she peeked into Dean’s office.</p><p>It was a Friday evening two months after partnering up. They had gotten close. At first, Dean was wary of Charlie’s quirky behavior- weren't they supposed to be professionals at work? Besides he didn’t want Charlie getting the wrong idea about him. He loved his job, and losing it because a female coworker reported him to HR for sexual harassment wasn’t something he wanted to deal with. Yes, Dean was a flirt and slept with random women, occasionally, just to get out of his head, to prove to himself that he was a manly man, but he never mixed work with play.</p><p>He had later discovered that Charlie saw him as a big brother as much as he thought of her as a little sister. Besides, she liked girls and had a girlfriend, Gilda. Once he had learned that, the awkwardness passed, and now they were friends who called each other <em>work wife</em>.</p><p>“Join you where?” Dean asked, adjusting his glasses and looking up from his laptop, Charlie walked up to him and rested her hand on his shoulder, looking at the laptop screen.</p><p>“The bar, silly. It’s Friday,” Charlie whispered in his ear, leaning over to type something on the laptop. Dean looked at the changing figures on his screen and hummed in agreement.</p><p>“I told you, I don’t drink,” Dean responded, typing something as soon as Charlie was done typing. She hummed in agreement too and stood up from where she was leaning over Dean’s shoulder.</p><p>“Really? You don’t have to drink alcohol just because it’s a bar.”</p><p>“I know, I just don’t want to, anyway.”</p><p>“Ouch,” Charlie gasped holding an open hand over his heart. Dean shook his head. He realized he was being rude.</p><p>“Sorry.”</p><p>“Max will be there,” Charlie teased, wiggling her eyebrows and grinning. Dean stopped typing, looked up at Charlie, and adjusted his glasses.</p><p>“Why would Max being there be my concern?” Dean frowned.</p><p>“Don’t play coy. I have seen you checking him out. He likes you too, you know?” She blurted out.</p><p>“What? I’m not...you know,” Dean tried to explain.</p><p>“You’re not what?” She inquired as if challenging him to say something incriminating.</p><p>“I’m not into guys, okay?” He grumbled, looking at Charlie and then back at his laptop.</p><p>“Yeah right,” Charlie murmured a sullen look on her face. Dean shook his head.</p><p>“What did I do now?”</p><p>“Nothing. It’s just, you know you can talk to me, dude.”</p><p>“Yeah, I know. There’s nothing to talk to you about.”</p><p>“Well, okay then. We will be at <em>Lloyd’s Bar</em> in case you change your mind.”</p><p>“I won’t,” Dean retorted, smiling.</p><p>“Okay. See you on Monday then,” Charlie huffed, patting Dean on the back.</p><p>“Goodnight Charlie. Have fun.”</p><p>“Night, Dean,” Charlie said, walking out of Dean’s office. She closed the door softly behind her and stood there for a short while. She was worried about Dean. She may only have known him for a couple of months, but she had come to like him. Dean was smart, funny, kind, and passionate, but he was also guarded and had self-loathing that Charlie had never seen in anyone before.</p><p>She knew he liked guys from the way he kept checking them out, but she also knew that he did not like that part of himself from the pained look on his face and clenched his jaw whenever he caught himself looking at them. She often teased him about liking different guys at the office, but he always shut her down. It was depressing, and she wished she could find a way to help him accept himself for who he <em>really</em> was, but she knew she could never force someone out of the closet. So she decided that she was going to be there until Dean was ready to talk, or whatever.</p><p>As soon as Charlie left, Dean closed his laptop, removed his glasses, and huffed. He liked Max Barnes, a young Associate software Engineer at the company. He thought he was good looking, smart, and good at his job. However, Dean couldn’t do anything about it. He had vowed never to be with guys again. There was also the aspect of office relationships and everyone knowing that he was, what? Gay? Bisexual? Whatever he was, it was nobody’s business, especially at work. All they needed to know was that he was good at his job. He loved to convince himself every day that he was straight, and more so every time he saw a guy he liked or he caught a guy checking him out. His personal life was no one else’s business but his, that’s all they needed to know about him.</p><p>It also didn’t help that he and Castiel had grown close as friends again. They texted each other almost every night, asking each other how the other's day was and what the other ate. Sometimes they talked about the books they were reading since that was something they had in common.</p><p>They also hadn’t met again in person since that night at the bar which had helped alleviate any tension between them. Dean had called him twice, but both times the calls were short and awkward. They just laughed and sighed between prolonged beats of silence and a few words. They decided to stick to texts. Sometimes they talked about Gordon and Sam, but never about Lee. Castiel talked about his work but never about his family, and that was okay with Dean, friends had boundaries.</p><p>Over time, he had realized that he loved Castiel still, maybe he never stopped even after all these years. However, Castiel had moved on, and the fact that he had forgiven him so easily that night at the bar meant he just wanted to be friends. Besides, it’s not like Dean would be with him even if Castiel had wanted more, he wasn’t that guy anymore.</p><p>It was all too much to think about and Dean felt on edge now. He could use a drink but he knew he shouldn’t. He knew there were things he had to live without. Things like drinking alcohol around strangers in bars and liking guys.</p><p>He took a deep breath to calm his nerves and packed his laptop into his bag, took his jacket, and left the office. He decided that all he needed right now was to eat a double cheeseburger and the company of a beautiful woman.</p><p> </p><p>➽➽➽</p><p> </p><p>It was the end of spring when Gordon called. He would be in New York for a meeting with his lawyer, Mick Davies, and he wanted to see Dean. Not having seen his friend since Christmas, Dean was excited, and they rarely talked nowadays because they were both too busy with life. He was coming in from Greece on Thursday and had meetings all day on Friday, so they would meet for dinner on Saturday.</p><p>Dean had spent his Saturday morning finishing up paperwork, he didn’t like taking work home, but the smart engine project was too important to not pay more attention to it. He spent the afternoon cleaning and polishing Baby, doing laundry, and cleaning the house while listening to classic rock. Sam would be at work for the whole day researching a case for the judge he was clerking under, so Dean had the house to himself.</p><p>Gordon had said to dress casual, so in the evening, clad in a blazer, a green long-sleeved henley, and his favorite pair of dark jeans, Dean took a cab to the Upper West Side where he was meeting Gordon there at a restaurant called <em>The Hot Plate</em>. The restaurant had the best steak in town and was one of Gordon's favorite places to eat when he was in the city. They both loved steak, so Dean was excited, but he was more excited to see his friend.</p><p>“Dean, Dean, Dean. Look at you,” Gordon gushed as he hugged Dean tightly once he had joined him at their table.</p><p>“God, I have missed you so much, G,” Dean said, neither of them letting go of the other. After the long hug, they finally let go of each other, grinned, and sat down opposite each other at their table.</p><p>“I feel like I haven’t seen you for years,” Gordon exclaimed looking at Dean with the fondest smile on his face, Dean had a similar one.</p><p>“I know man. I know. It sucked that you missed my birthday, but I appreciated the wine,” Dean gushed.</p><p>“You’re welcome.”</p><p>A tall woman in a white shirt, short skirt, and stockings with her hair pulled back in a bun brought them menus. Gordon did not bother looking at it, he just ordered grilled ribeye with grilled vegetables, so Dean ordered the same. Gordon also ordered a bottle of Cabernet to accompany their meal.</p><p>“Alright, Mr. Walker. Your food will be ready shortly,” she smiled at Gordon and didn’t even look at Dean save for when he was returning his menu to her.</p><p>“Mr. Walker, huh? I keep forgetting you’re a big shot now,” Dean teased as soon as the waitress left the table.</p><p>“I’m really not. I’m still that kid you used to play football with back in high school,” Gordon laughed, brushing him off lightheartedly.</p><p>“Yeah right, how have you been? How’s Bela anyway? The business?” Dean inquired, smiling.</p><p>“She’s good. Annoying as ever, but I wouldn’t love her otherwise,” and they both laughed at that. Bela was a handful, but she was smart, beautiful, and loved Gordon. “Business is good but stressful. The new line of wines has some hiccups, but I’m trying to sort it out.”</p><p>“Oh, anything serious?” Dean asked, worried as their wine was brought at the table, the waitress poured it for Gordon to taste, when he approved it, she poured it for the both of them and left. Dean took a sip of his wine and savored its tanginess.</p><p>“No, just the name. I need to change it because apparently there is another wine brand with that name. That’s why I came to see Mick,” Gordon explained, sipping his wine, and his face was beaming with excitement, “And you? Did you finish up the project you were working on?”</p><p>“Still working on it, I am halfway there, thanks to my work wife, Charlie,” Dean gushed.</p><p>“Your work what now?" Gordon laughed amused that Dean was opening up to new people to the point that they had nicknames for one another.</p><p>“Work wife, it means…” Dean tried explaining with a grin on his face playing with his wine glass.</p><p>“I know what <em>work wife</em> means. Do tell,” Gordon leaned forward as if to read Dean’s mind as he sipped his wine.</p><p>“She is just fun to be around, you know? She’s good with computers, super smart, and adorable,” Dean had a dreamy look in his eyes and a fond smile.</p><p>“Ooo...someone has a crush,” Gordon teased, laughing and punching Dean lightly on the arm from across the table. Dean slapped his hand off and laughed.</p><p>“Dude, she’s like a sister to me. Besides, she has a girlfriend,” Dean snorted. Gordon nodded, watching Dean from the rim of his wine glass.</p><p>“Oh. And you? Any new girlfriends? Boyfriends?”</p><p>Dean swallowed hard, he didn't like where this conversation was going.</p><p>“No, I told you...I don’t do boyfriends anymore.” Dean’s eyes hardened and the smile on his face turned into a hard straight line.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah because you’re not gay, blah blah blah,” Gordon chided rolling his eyes as he sipped more of his wine. Dean hadn’t drank anymore of his, he was still playing with his glass with a pained look on his face.</p><p>“C’mon G, you know it’s not like that, you know why,” he pleaded, his hazel eyes finally meeting Gordon’s brown ones. There was pain in the hazel ones and concern in the brown ones.</p><p>“Yes, I know why. I am not trying to push you or anything, but it's been ten years. You need to heal from all that pain and hurt,” Gordon stressed that last part, and Dean looked away to his side.</p><p>“I can’t. I’ve tried and I just can’t,” his voice was small and Gordon could hear it shake but he needed to do this for Dean.</p><p>“Isn’t therapy helping?” Gordon asked, concerned. He was worried about his friend.</p><p>“I still haven’t disclosed that bit of information to my shrink yet. I’m ashamed. I don’t know what to tell her. You are the only person who knows G. I just...I just don’t know how.” Dean trembled, his bottom lip quivered as he played with the chain of the amulet hidden beneath his shirt. Sam had given it to him one Christmas when they were kids. It was meant to be a present for their father, but he didn’t come home that day because he was too drunk to care. That was the day that Sam realized that all he had was Dean; all they had was each other. To make it more special, Dean had coined the name <em>Samulet</em> to refer to it.</p><p>“I’m sorry to do this here and now, Dean. I know it hurts, it hurts me too, but you have to talk to someone. That’s the only way to move on,” Gordon placated, stretching his hand out to touch Dean’s.</p><p>“I don’t know how,” Dean reiterated and looked up at him, his hazel eyes were brimming with unshed tears which he kept blinking away. "I just can't, G."</p><p>“Just say the words, just the way you told me. If you need anything though, I’m here, okay?”</p><p>“I know buddy. Thank you," Dean smiled tenderly.</p><p>"Anytime tough guy," Gordon smiled back.</p><p>"Enough with the sappy chick flick moments. Let’s eat,” Dean huffed and rubbed his hands together as the steaming-hot plates of their meal were presented before them.</p><p>Gordon was worried about him, but for now, he smiled as he watched Dean take a bite of his steak and nod in agreement that it was the best steak he had ever had.</p><p> </p><p>➽➽➽</p><p> </p><p>“I need a favor,” Castiel’s gruff voice came over the phone on a Tuesday night. Dean was sprawled on the sofa watching T.V.</p><p>“Hello to you too, Cas,” Dean replied with a laugh. “What favor?”</p><p>“Sorry. I usually have better phone etiquette, I’m just wound up," he sighed. Dean could only imagine the frown on his face. “Hello, Dean.”</p><p>“It’s okay. We’re friends, such things are allowed,” Dean laughed. Castiel huffed on the other end then chuckled.</p><p>“So, as you know my dad has been missing, well, hiding for the past three years. I need to find him, but I need an IT <em>guru</em> to help me do some digging.”</p><p>The truth was that as far as the world knew, Chuck was communing with monks in Tibet trying to find himself. However, Castiel had told Dean the sad truth; his father had run away from home because he was ashamed of his brother Nick and nobody knew where he was.</p><p>“Oh, so you need Charlie’s help? Sure, I’ll ask.”</p><p>“Thanks, Dean.”</p><p>“Of course, Cas. So, why are you wound up?”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Earlier, you said you forgot to say hello because you were wound up.”</p><p>“Oh. Just trying to get out of this dinner thing with my family that my aunt is throwing.”</p><p>“And what’s so bad about a family dinner?”</p><p>“Have you met my family?”</p><p>“No,” Dean said honestly, laughing.</p><p>“It’s not funny, Dean,” Castiel sighed on the other end. “It won’t be pleasant. I need to get out of it.”</p><p>“How can I help?” Dean asked, concerned. He knew families could be messy, sometimes. His was.</p><p>“No. I don’t want to bother you,” Castiel said, he seemed to be breathing hard.</p><p>“I’m here, and we’re friends, whatever you need. Are you okay, buddy?” Dean inquired, concerned that maybe his friend was in trouble.</p><p>“Yeah. I just hopped on the treadmill,” Castiel huffed out.</p><p>“It’s ten at night,” Dean laughed, looking at his watch.</p><p>“Well, I have to get rid of this pent up energy somehow. Mick is out of town, and I can’t have sex with just anyone.”</p><p>“Mick?” Dean choked out and hoped that Castiel did not hear it from his end.</p><p>“Yeah, he’s someone I’m seeing." Dean tightened his grip on the phone.</p><p>“Oh, your boyfriend, huh?” He asked, his voice small and a sharp pain stabbed at his chest in the general area of his heart, his stomach churned.</p><p>“Are you jealous?” Castiel chuckled. Dean’s grip on his phone tightened to the extent that his hand cramped, he switched hands but still maintained the death grip.</p><p>“Wha..what? No? Why would I be?” He laughed nervously, bile rising to his throat. He was going to puke.</p><p>“I don’t know, it's the way you sounded. Never mind.” Castiel huffed, Dean swallowed hard, willing the bile to go back to where it belonged; somewhere deep down in his bowels.</p><p>“Okay. So, I’ll ask Charlie what info she needs to find a missing person. I have to go.” He said in almost a whisper as he felt tears threatening to fall. If he stayed one more minute on the phone with Castiel, he was either going to break his phone, vomit his guts out or cry, but he wasn’t going to cry, especially not over a man he barely knew, he never really knew him. That was the truth.</p><p>“Okay then. I’ll be waiting. Goodnight, Dean.”</p><p>“Night, Cas.”</p><p>With that, the line went dead and Dean realized that he was sad. To be honest, the fact that Castiel had casually said that he had a boyfriend or whatever, Mick, made him jealous. He knew he shouldn’t be, but he was. Also, why did that name sound familiar? He needed to do his own digging on Castiel’s new boyfriend just to feed his curiosity, not because he wanted to see who had taken his place in Castiel’s life, he tried to convince himself.</p><p> </p><p>➽➽➽</p><p> </p><p>Two days later, Castiel walked into Dean’s office at 8 p.m. carrying his briefcase. Dean was working on his laptop waiting for him.</p><p>“Hello, Dean,” Castiel greeted as he walked to sit in the chair opposite Dean’s desk.</p><p>“Hey, Cas. You know I could have sent a messenger with the feedback right? You didn’t have to come all the way here,” Dean rambled, fumbling with files on his desk. He’d been anxious the whole afternoon since Castiel texted him saying that he would come to pick up the findings of Charlie’s investigation on Chuck's whereabouts.</p><p>“It’s on my way home, so it’s no bother,” Castiel said, meeting Dean’s hazel eyes that were hidden behind reading glasses. “Nice glasses by the way.”</p><p>“Thanks, I uh...need them to look at the laptop,” Dean said, sheepishly as he removed the glasses.</p><p>“Don’t remove them on my account. I like them,” Castiel smiled, Dean blushed, placing his glasses in their case.</p><p>“So, here’s your package from Charlie,” Dean said as he handed him a thin brown envelope. Castiel handed him a check for three thousand dollars. Dean’s eyes bulged out. “She said you don’t need to pay.”</p><p>“I don’t like exploiting people. Give that to her, it’s a thank you from me. I would’ve paid a P.I. more anyway, and I probably wouldn't have gotten the results as fast,” Castiel said, pushing back the check to him. Dean took it and put it in an envelope.</p><p>“Okay,” Dean managed a small smile. <em>You are too kind for your own good</em>, Dean wanted to add but the words died at the tip of his tongue. Their eyes met for a few seconds with neither of them saying anything, and it's like somehow time had stood still just so they could savor that moment. Then the moment passed. They smiled at each other and looked away.</p><p>“The other night, what I said about Mick, it wasn't meant to make you feel bad or anything,” Castiel explained as he fiddled with a paperweight on Dean’s desk after a few minutes of awkward silence. He couldn’t meet Dean’s eyes.</p><p>“Oh, I figured. I’m happy for you,” Dean swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat looking at Castiel’s downcast eyes. <em>Why were they talking about this?</em></p><p>“It's nothing serious. I mean we’re not together <em>together. </em>It's, you know, a purely transactional relationship-purely sexual,” Castiel rumbled on meeting Dean’s eyes for a brief second. He saw nothing in there- Dean was stoic save for how he was subtly clenching his jaw.</p><p>“Okay. I think that’s a bit TMI. You don’t have to explain anything to me, Cas. It's not like we’re together or anything.”</p><p>“Of course I know we’re not together or anything, but I just wanted to make that clear.”</p><p>“Well, it is clear now.” Castiel could almost taste the bitterness in Dean’s voice, but Dean tried to hide it with a smile that did not reach his eyes.</p><p>“Are you leaving soon? We could leave together,” Castiel suggested, trying to alleviate the tension that had fogged the room.</p><p>“I have some things to finish up here,” Dean said, pulling his glasses from their case and putting them on. He didn’t care how he looked.</p><p>“I could wait,” Castiel looked up at Dean expectantly, hope in his eyes.</p><p>Dean looked back at him but then he looked at the files on his desk, fumbling with them, avoiding eye contact now, no, Cas. I’ll be here for a while."</p><p>“Oh, okay. Text me later then, when you get home,” Castiel managed to choke out. If Dean would've looked up at him, he would've seen the hurt in his eyes. He was glad Dean was avoiding eye contact.</p><p>“Yeah,” Dean answered in a clipped voice. It was clear that he did not want Castiel around.</p><p>“Bye, Dean," Castiel said softly and then huffed as he stood up from the chair and looked at Dean's downcast head.Dean was still not looking at him</p><p>“Goodbye, Cas,” Dean whispered as he watched Castiel retreating back. He was sad to watch him go. He packed up his desk and left soon after, if Castiel saw him leave the office a few minutes after him, he didn't care.</p><p>As Castiel left Dean’s office, he knew that he was right, Dean still loved him. He had sensed it as they texted. It was the things Dean said sometimes, like how missed waking up next to someone, or the way Dean would read quotes from his current read, or the way he would text him funny things that he had seen online, especially cat videos because he knew Castiel loved cats.</p><p>When he had mentioned Mick, it was by accident<em> really</em>, but the way Dean’s mood, and their conversation, had shifted, he knew that Dean still had feelings for him. However, he hadn’t been sure since it had been a phone call, and he could not tell whether Dean was jealous or surprised. So, he had gone to see him to bring it up and see his reaction in real-time. Luckily, Charlie had come through with her feedback, so he had the perfect excuse to see Dean.</p><p>He had not been disappointed one bit. First of all, Dean looked gorgeous as ever in his glasses and navy sweater worn over a white shirt and a tie, working behind his desk looking like a sexy nerd, which, honestly, he was. Castiel's heart had lept then, and somehow he felt it piece together again, just a little. Just seeing Dean looking happy and content brought him joy.</p><p>Secondly, he wanted to make sure that Dean understood that Mick meant nothing to him, at least, not in the way that mattered. He wanted to see Dean’s reaction when he said it, and, honestly, he wasn’t disappointed. Dean had looked hurt, maybe, and the way his voice suddenly changed when he heard about Mick was proof enough that he was jealous.</p><p>Castiel smiled as he walked to his car knowing that Dean Winchester still loved him. They might never get back together again, but knowing that Dean loved him still was enough for now. However, it still nagged him that Dean had lied about the reason why he had to break up with him. He <em>needed</em> answers, but the only person who could give them to him was Dean.</p><p>Dean did not text him that night, or the next. Castiel didn't text him either.</p><p>Mick had not addressed the fact that Castiel had abandoned him at the party, yet. So when Mick came back from his trip two days later after Castiel's awkward conversation with Dean, Castiel went over to Mick's apartment. They fought about Castiel abandoning him at the party, but they made up shortly after.</p><p>Castiel explained, or rather half-lied, to Mick that he had gotten an important work call from overseas. Mick knew better than to ask Castiel about work. However, he was skeptical about believing his excuse at first but came around when Castiel showed him proof. Yes, he had received a call earlier that night about work from London, so he wasn’t exactly lying, was he?</p><p>After making a few promises not to disappear like that again, Castiel fucked Mick so hard that Mick was a whimpering, shaking mess for ten minutes after. Mick said it was the best sex they’d had yet. What Mick didn’t know was that Castiel had been thinking about freckles, pouty lips, and blonde hair the entire time.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Both Dean and Castiel have an epiphany.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong> <em>“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”- Marsha Norman.</em> </strong>
</p><p><br/>
Chuck Shurley walked down the stairs of his Connecticut home clad in only a bathrobe and house slippers and sat on the dining table where Amara was stirring her coffee.</p><p><br/>
When Charlie had asked Castiel to send him any information and/or pseudonyms that he had about his father, Charlie had found him by cross referencing all the pseudonyms with his new credit cards issued, which meant she had to hack into various credit card company databases to look for the information. Castiel didn’t know that, Charlie had said not to ask for details because she didn’t want to get in any trouble.</p><p><br/>
It hadn’t been easy, but one of his pseudonyms, Carver Edlund, the one Chuck had used to hide his true identity to write the books that Dean loved, was what got him caught. When Charlie had called Castiel to tell him it was done, he asked her not to tell Dean about Carver Edlund, and Charlie obliged.</p><p><br/>
It had taken Michael three days to find Chuck to convince him to come back home. He had been in Colorado in a small cabin that he had rented. He had made a life for himself there, a simple one where he woke up every morning, went fishing, and tended a small kitchen garden. He even played guitar, he did not have a TV or a phone, and he had grown his beard so long to the point that he looked like a bush baby.</p><p><br/>
Castiel had refused to go with Michael to pick him up. In solidarity with his brother, Balthazar had declined too. The two of them had not spoken to Chuck since he came back and even declined going home to see him. Michael and Amara were the only ones who had been there when he came home.<br/>
Castiel blamed Chuck for destroying his life in one major way, he had never given him a choice when it came to choosing his life path. To make matters worse, Castiel was stuck in a crucial position at SBMC that he couldn't abandon just to save Chuck's ass and legacy.</p><p><br/>
“Good morning, brother,” Amara greeted cheerfully. “It’s a bright day isn’t it, summer is just around the corner and I can't wait to visit Venice with you.”</p><p><br/>
“Good morning to you too, sis. But can you just shut up?"Chuck groaned, pursing his lips and putting his index finger on them as an indication for her to shut up as he pulled out a chair at the head of the dining table and sat there. "I need my morning coffee."<br/>
The butler, Marv, who had worked for Chuck for as long as he could remember, came up with a pot of coffee and poured it for Chuck.<br/>
“Good morning, Sir,” Marv greeted, cheerily. “Welcome back.”<br/>
“Good morning old friend, and thank you,” Chuck said as he sipped his coffee. He had coined the name Metatron for him, though he could not remember the reason why.</p><p><br/>
“So, now that you are back, I was thinking we could leave for Italy before summer begins, and we can start our holiday before tourists suck the fun out of everything,” Amara chimed in before Marv could say anything else. Chuck sipped his coffee some more and moaned in delight.</p><p><br/>
“Father! Good Morning. I hope you slept well,” Michael greeted as he joined his father and aunt at the dining table.</p><p>“As well as can be expected,” Chuck looked at him as he put on his reading glasses and unfolded the newspaper that Metatron had brought for him.</p><p>“Wow, so Michael gets a response and I don’t?" Amara gasped, pushing her coffee away.</p><p>“Sis, this is my son, of whom I am proud,” Chuck snickered, peering at his sister from his glasses. Michael smirked and kissed Amara on the cheek as he took the seat next to her.</p><p>“Are you trying to quote God? Is he trying to quote God?” Amara asked as he looked at Chuck and then at Michael in utter dismay.</p><p>“No, I’m not,” Chuck chuckled uneasily and pretended to read the newspaper.</p><p>“Yes you are father. It is in the Bible in those exact words,” Michael laughed as he poured himself a cup of coffee.</p><p>“So what if I am? This is my house, and I am <em>god</em> in this family,” Chuck grumbled and took another sip of his coffee. He leaned back in his chair, lifting his head in arrogance. Michael and Amara looked at each other and shook their heads.</p><p>“You’re so full of yourself, do you know that? You haven’t been here for three years. You just up and left us, all of us, and for what?” Amara barked, her impatience with Chuck’s petulance getting the better of her.</p><p>“You’re not children. I left you guys several roofs over your heads, credit cards with no limit, cars, two jets- what else do you want from me? Can’t a man take some time off?”</p><p>“Material things, really father? You left me with a failing company in my hands, after what Nick did. I didn’t know what to do,” Michael joined in, as he cracked his hard boiled egg.</p><p>“But you do now. Me leaving you all alone taught you responsibility,” Chuck defended himself against his son. Michael huffed and gave up arguing any further.</p><p>“Chuck, there’s more to life than material possessions. Sometimes, people need other people. I...we needed you here you know?” Amara said, softly eyeing Chuck who was fumbling with his newspaper while pretending to fix his robe.</p><p>“I just needed time alone, okay? I just couldn’t deal with what Nick did. Besides, if you wanted to find me you would have. See how fast you found me when you wanted to?” Chuck grinned, and Amara rolled her eyes and shook her head as Michael ate his egg not minding them anymore. “How did you find me so fast anyway?”</p><p>“Castiel paid a hacker to find you,” Michael said plainly, Chuck frowned.</p><p>“And why were you trying to find me exactly?” Chuck asked.</p><p>“Nick, among other messes. You need to talk to him, I can’t clean all your messes father,” Michael said as he chugged his orange juice, stood up and kissed his aunt and father on the cheek each. “I’ll see you in the evening.” And with that, Michael left for work leaving Chuck to ponder on what had just been said to him.</p><p>“Will these kids ever grow up?” Chuck asked after a beat of awkward silence that had developed since Michael left.</p><p>“Your children are responsible, you’re the one who needs to grow up, Chuck,” Amara admonished as she stood up and left the room leaving Chuck alone to do whatever Chuck did.</p><p>Chuck huffed and flipped the newspaper on the table. “Well, it looks like you are the only one who is happy that I am home, old friend.”</p><p>“I am, sir,” Marv replied with a smile as he poured Chuck more coffee.</p><p> </p><p>➽➽➽</p><p> </p><p>“Father! You’re back!” Nick exclaimed over the phone after hearing Chuck’s voice.</p><p>“Yes, I am son,” Chuck huffed as he sat on the couch in his living room. “Are you okay?”</p><p>“What do you think? I’m in jail, where you left me for three years!” Nick snapped at him.</p><p>“Look son, you know it was either the camp or actual jail. You should be grateful,” Chuck reprimanded and that made Nick calm down. He knew he could’ve had worse things happen to him if his father hadn’t called the FBI on him and made a deal to avoid trial. Some other crimes he had done would’ve surfaced, and he would be in a maximum security prison instead of a white collar camp in upstate New York.</p><p>“Sorry, I just missed you,” Nick whined. For a thirty eight year old man he sure was a whiny bitch. Chuck huffed again and crossed his legs.</p><p>“Look, I will come and see you every month. You can call me any time, just please leave Michael out of this before you get yourself in any more trouble, Okay?”</p><p>“Trying to make sure he runs your precious little company, huh?”</p><p>“Jesus Nick! Can you stop! I’m doing this to protect you. You only have two years left, just be a good boy, lay low, and you’ll be fine. If anyone finds out what you did…”</p><p>“I know. I’m sorry,” Nick’s voice was calmer now and maybe a little sad. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“No need to be. Just be a good boy, and everything will be okay. I’ll see you next week, okay?” Chuck replied, rubbing his temples. He was fucking exhausted from this dance that he and Nick seemed to be doing.</p><p>“Alright father. I love you,” Nick sighed on the other end.</p><p>“I know son. Goodbye,” Chuck hung up and went out for a walk. He needed to relieve himself of all the stress he’d been undergoing lately.</p><p><strong><em>I have spoken to Nick. He won’t be bothering you anymore</em></strong>. He texted Michael.</p><p><em><strong>What did you say to him?</strong> </em>Came the reply.</p><p><strong><em>Nothing to concern yourself with son. I’ll deal with him from now on</em></strong>.</p><p>
  <em> <strong>What does that mean?</strong> </em>
</p><p>Chuck did not respond.</p><p> </p><p>➽➽➽</p><p> </p><p>The hallway torches were dimming, the hallway was suddenly engulfed in total darkness, and he couldn’t see. The walls were getting too close together now, pressing against his body.</p><p><br/>
“Sam?! Sammy! Help...Sam? Dean tried to scream, but his throat was constricted by the painful press of the cold stone walls against his ribs, he was being crushed to death. “Sammy!”</p><p><br/>
Dean woke up with a start, his heart pounding throughout his body; in his chest, his ears, his head. He was also soaked in sweat. The clock on his nightstand indicated that it was four in the morning when he felt his bed dip and he made out Sam’s silhouette in the partial darkness in his room.</p><p><br/>
“Dean? Did you have that nightmare again?” Sam asked, concerned, hugging his brother, not minding how sweaty he was.</p><p><br/>
He was used to this. They had been doing this for over a decade now, and the nightmare may have changed, but Dean had always had them. They had stopped when he had come home from his summer in Europe, but then they started soon after he started college, and had gone on for a long time since then, on and off, and now, here they were again. They had been gone for two months, but now they were back.<br/>
Sam sat on Dean’s bed trying to sooth him so he could go back to slee</p><p>p. Dean’s nightmares had gotten worse over the past week.</p><p>“You need to book another appointment with Mildred this week, Dean. It’s getting worse, you need help,” Sam all but whined as he rubbed Dean’s back. Dean shrugged Sam’s hand away and moved to sit up on the bed, his pillow propped up behind his back.</p><p>“I’m fine, Sam,” Dean mumbled as he rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous tick.</p><p>“No, you’re not. This keeps happening, and I don’t know how to help you, apart from asking you, no, begging you to go see Mildred. She’s helped you a lot,” Sam tried to get him to see logic.</p><p>“I said I’m fine, Sam.”</p><p>“Can you stop saying that? I am the one who wakes up at night, woken up by your screams, for the past ten years of our lives. It hurts me to see you in such pain, Dean. I can’t do it anymore.”</p><p>“Then don’t.”</p><p>“Seriously?”</p><p>“Sammy, I never asked you to take care of me. That’s my job. I take care of you, remember?”</p><p>“But I never asked you to either, yet you do it anyway. How will you take care of me if you’re not okay?” Sam sniffled as tears threatened to fall. Dean felt sad that he had to get more help in order to take care of his brother. He knew Sam didn’t need him anymore, he was a grown up, but it had always just been the two of them, Dean taking care of Sam and Sam letting him, even when he didn’t need to. They knew this, but it was kind of an unspoken understanding between them.</p><p>“Okay, Sammy. I’ll do it for you.”</p><p>“Don’t call me that. Sammy is a chubby ten year old kid.”</p><p>“Okay then, Samuel.”</p><p>“Dean what the hell, do I look like a seventy year old man to you?”</p><p>“Samantha?”</p><p>“Stop it!” Sam whined as he got up from the bed and hit Dean with a pillow. A wrestling match ensued and the nightmare was forgotten, for now.</p><p>The next day he sat in Mildred’s office, looking at the hourglass as it emptied slowly.</p><p>“Dean? You made this impromptu visit, we weren’t scheduled for another meeting until next week. You need to talk to me,” Mildred said, looking at Dean with a worried look on her face. She was supposed to be stoic, but she had come to love Dean, for some reason. She was treading on dangerous ground, caring too much for her patient, but she saw Dean as a son to her. All she wanted was to help him, and she would never cross any professional boundaries.</p><p>“I just don’t know what to say. The nightmare is back, but it ends before the part where the blue eyed man rescues me comes,” Dean gulped down a glass of water, the room was getting too hot. He removed his jacket.</p><p>Mildred wrote something in her notebook then flipped it and referred to something and sighed.</p><p>“How is your friendship with Castiel going?”</p><p>“What? What does this have to do with anything?”</p><p>“I won’t know until you tell me.”</p><p>“There’s nothing to tell. We haven’t spoken for a week.”</p><p>“Oh. I see.”</p><p>“What is that supposed to mean?”</p><p>“What do you think it means, Dean?” Dean frowned, confused. <em>What was Mildred getting at?</em></p><p>“I don’t know, that there’s no one to save me?” he said, still confused as to where this was going.</p><p>“But someone had saved you from the crumbling building, two months ago and the nightmare faded. But now it’s back and there’s no one to save you,” Mildred said, looking at Dean intently as if to say, <em>see where I’m going with this?</em></p><p>It’s like a light bulb came on in Dean’s mind and the realization hit him, “No, no, no, no...I’m not...no.”</p><p>“No what, Dean?”</p><p>“The blue eyed savior can’t be Cas. No.”</p><p>“I never said it was.”</p><p>“But…” Dean wanted to argue but realized that Mildred was right, she hadn’t said or suggested anything, and he had come to his own conclusion. “<em>Fuck!</em> What does it mean?”</p><p>“What do you think?”</p><p>“That..that I need Cas? That without him I will keep having nightmares?” He blurted out, bewildered. He stood up from the couch and paced around for a bit then sat down. The entire time Mildred was watching him with a curious interest.</p><p>“It’s not black and white Dean. I think you see him as someone who brings some semblance of balance and stability in your life.”</p><p>“But...I don’t really know him. He’s just a guy I fell in love with ten years ago. I know almost nothing about him.”</p><p>“Does that really matter? Knowing him?”</p><p>“Yes. I mean if he’s my anchor or whatever.”</p><p>“Are you still in love with him?”</p><p>“I said I don’t really know him.”</p><p>“Does it matter?”</p><p>“Why are we going round in circles?”</p><p>“You tell me.”</p><p>“Can we talk about something else?” Dean pleaded rubbing his face in frustration. <em>Fuck. Fuck! Fuck! He wasn’t still in love with Castiel, was he? Why was he his anchor? Why Castiel? Why not Sam? Why not Gordon?</em></p><p>“You are the captain of this ship, you navigate, I am just the vessel,” Mildred smiled at him. Dean looked at her and shook his head.</p><p>“Jesus Christ. Do you ever regret doing something?” Dean huffed, rubbing his eyes.</p><p>“What do you regret?” Mildred inquired, observing him with her hands crossed on her lap, her notebook open. He wished he could see what she was writing.</p><p>“Everything,” Dean sighed, “I regret <em>everything</em>.”</p><p>“What’s everything?” Mildred continued with her infuriating line of questioning. Dean was getting agitated, but not at Mildred. She was just doing her job, what she was trained to do. He needed to be forthcoming if he wanted any progress.</p><p>“Breaking up with Cas, coming to New York, giving him my business card, hanging out in that bar with him, trying to be friends with him,” Dean rambled. Words kept filtering out of his mouth and he couldn’t stop, he wasn’t in control anymore. Things were starting to get real here, and he was scared. But he knew if he did not get the help he needed, his nightmares would persist and that was worse than pouring your heart out to a<em> fucking</em> shrink. He was tired of waking up drenched in sweat. Tired of waking up to see a tired Sam trying to soothe him back to sleep when he had early mornings that led to late hours in the office. His brother needed sleep; they both did.</p><p>“Your friendship helped with your nightmares. Why do you regret it?”</p><p>“Because he’s more,” Dean blurted out and surprised himself. <em>What was he saying?</em> <em>He didn’t mean to say that.</em></p><p>“More?” Mildred inquired further and wrote some notes.</p><p>“He...I want him to be more than a friend, okay?” Dean blurted out again. Mildred remained stoic.</p><p>“So what is stopping you?” She peered at him from under thick lashes as she jotted something in her notebook.</p><p>Dean wished he could just rip it out of her hands. The notebook was to blame. Yes, that was what held all his secrets. It shouldn’t exist. However, he rubbed the back of his neck to calm himself and bit his bottom lip.</p><p>“Because...I broke his heart and now he is with someone else,” he confessed.</p><p>Mildred raised her head from where she was bent over her notebook, and she placed a finger on her lips as she watched Dean.</p><p>“How does that make you feel?” She asked, plainly.</p><p>“Frustrated, agitated. Since he told me about Mick, his sex buddy or whatever he is, we haven’t spoken,” he said a tinge of bitterness and regret in his voice as he stood up and paced the room, Mildred followed him with her eyes from where she sat on her armchair.</p><p>“Sex buddy?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“I see.”</p><p>“I see? That’s all I get?”</p><p>“Dean, have you stopped to think why he told you about Mick, is it?”</p><p>“Because he wanted me to feel guilty for dumping him? To show me that he has moved on.”</p><p>“With a sex buddy?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Dean, how exactly did it come up?” Mildred asked, closing her notebook and placing it on the office desk behind her.</p><p>“He called me at night, and he wanted my help with something. Anyway, he was running on his treadmill, I asked him why, and that’s when he said it.”</p><p>“How exactly did he say it?”</p><p>“How is it relevant?”</p><p>“How did he say it, Dean?” Mildred persisted. Dean stopped pacing and looked at her as if she was the most infuriating person in the world.</p><p>“He said he was running because he was wound up, and he needed to release the tension. Then he added that since Mick was out of town, and he couldn’t have sex with just anyone, he had opted to run on the treadmill,” Dean finished and went to sit back on the couch.</p><p>“And?” Mildred was looking at him as if he should’ve gotten to the point, but he was still sluggish.</p><p>“And that’s it. Oh...but two days later he came to my office to apologize for mentioning it and explained that Mick was not his boyfriend, just a sex buddy,” Dean huffed and looked up at Mildred who was still gawking at him.</p><p>“Dean, why would he explain himself to you? If he was trying to gloat or punish you, wouldn’t he have let you think Mick was his boyfriend?” Mildred explained.</p><p>“I guess,” Dean shrugged and leaned back on the couch then another light bulb moment hit. “Oh my God! He likes me. He likes me still. He likes me, right?” Dean was freaking out now. He did not know whether to be excited, angry, or worried. It was all too much.</p><p>“What do you think?”</p><p>“I think he likes me still,” Dean gushed with a grin that soon turned into a frown. “But he hasn’t talked to me since that day. What does it mean?”</p><p>“What did you do?”</p><p>“What do you mean what did I do?”</p><p>“Dean.”</p><p>“I didn’t do anything. I just didn’t text or call him when I got home that night after what he told me.”</p><p>“So?”</p><p>“He didn’t text or call me either. So...that’s it I guess.” Dean huffed out a frustrated sigh. Mildred put her elbows on her knees and leaned forward to get closer to Dean.</p><p>“Dean, ever think that maybe he didn’t text you because he thought he had made you uncomfortable? And when you didn’t text him it confirmed his suspicion?”</p><p>“<em>Sonofabitch!</em>”</p><p> </p><p>➽➽➽</p><p> </p><p>“Tell him, I said I am not talking to him!” Castiel snapped as he sat at the dining table with his family; Chuck, Amara, Michael and Balthazar.</p><p>“He said he doesn’t want to talk to you,” Balthazar conveyed to Chuck.</p><p>“Yeah, I heard,” Chuck retorted, “I have ears Zar.”</p><p>“Don’t shoot the messenger,” Balthazar defended himself. He was caught up in the cold war between Castiel and Chuck that had been going on for two decades now. However, today he was specially caught in the crossfire because he was the one who had dragged Castiel to yet another messy family dinner even after Castiel had specifically stated that Chuck was dead to him, and just because he helped Michael find him did not mean he had forgiven the guy.</p><p>“Tell him, I will set him free from all family obligations if he wins a game of chess against me,” Chuck told Balthazar but he was looking at Castiel’s blue orbs that were cloudy with arrogance and defiance.</p><p>“You are on!” Castiel blurted out as he pushed his seat away from the dining table and stood up. He knew he could beat Chuck at chess. Hell, he could beat some of the best players in the world. Chuck knew that, but whatever game Chuck was playing at, Castiel wanted to see how it played out.</p><p>“Hey, I’m the messenger here. I didn’t even get to convey…” Balthazar whined.</p><p>“Shut up Zar!” Chuck and Castiel said in unison staring at each other challengingly before they both walked to Chuck’s study to play chess. Amara, Michael, and Balthazar followed them shaking their heads.</p><p>“Checkmate!” Castiel said softly. He had beaten Chuck in fourteen moves, it could’ve been more but Chuck wasn’t really trying. It’s like he wanted Castiel to win.</p><p>“I knew you would beat him, Cassie,” Balthazar cheered his brother on. Amara and Michael were quiet as they walked out of the study. Balthazar patted Castiel on the back, Castiel gave him a small smile.</p><p>“Zar, can you give us a moment?” Castiel asked his brother who was standing at the door of the study. Balthazar frowned, confused, “I’ll see you downstairs in a few.” Balthazar nodded and left them, he knew that Castiel would tell him what was going on later, they were best friends after all.</p><p>“What do you want son? You are free,” Chuck said, pouring himself two fingers of scotch as Castiel closed the door to the study. He stood in front of his father’s desk, hands in his pockets and observed him. He didn’t say anything for a while and Chuck chugged his scotch and then poured himself another.</p><p>“Why did you do it?” Castiel inquired, standing his ground watching his father where he was seated behind his desk.</p><p>Chuck was a 5’7”, squirrely man who wore glasses. Anyone who did not know who he was would think he was just a nerdy professor or something. However, he was the smartest person Castiel knew, to be honest, and he had looked up to him for the longest time until he realized he was a controlling <em>dick</em>, especially after Alfie died.</p><p>“Why do we do anything?” Chuck laughed and sipped his drink. “Be more specific son.”</p><p>“Everything. Why did you let mom go? Why did you force all of us to go to business school? Why did you leave us for three years? Why did you challenge me to chess when you knew I’d beat you?” Castiel hissed, walking towards Chuck’s desk. He stopped when the table was flush against his thighs.<br/>
Chuck sipped his drink, then looked at Castiel and laid his hands fingers intertwined on his desk. “Because I can.”</p><p>“Seriously, dad?”</p><p>“Dad? You haven’t called me that in eons.”</p><p>“Okay, Chuck. Tell me, why did you do it. What was the reason?”</p><p>“Because I was bored, Okay? I wanted to do spontaneous things to feel alive. I had achieved so much by the time I was thirty five, I just didn’t know where to go or what to do, okay? There you have it.” Chuck threw his hands up in a shrug and leaned back in his seat. Castiel couldn’t believe what he was hearing.</p><p>“What?! You were bored so you became a controlling <em>dick</em>?” he laughed sarcastically and placed his palms on the table hanging his head between his shoulders. When he raised his eyes, he met Chuck’s big blue orbs, he saw sincerity and vulnerability there.</p><p>“First of all watch your language. I am still your father. Secondly, yes I became a controlling <em>dick</em> because I was bored. You think I wanted all this?” He asked looking around the room disgusted, he lifted a silver letter opener on his desk , observed it and then dropped it on his desk with a clutter. “All I ever wanted was to be a writer like my father but he...well, he didn’t think I was much of a writer. So to prove myself, I became the person I am today.”</p><p>“It’s hard to imagine grandpa was anything like you,” Castiel sneered and shook his head. “You are lying. All you do is lie and manipulate people.”</p><p>“You were his grandson, all he did was love you. I was his son, he demanded more from me.”</p><p>“So you became just like him?”</p><p>“Honestly, I was trying so hard to not be like him but it seems like I failed in that front.”</p><p>Castiel sighed, this was too much and it was not where he had thought this conversation would go.</p><p>“So why did you disappear after what Nick did? You didn’t even say goodbye,” Castiel asked because he genuinely wanted to know.</p><p>“Because I was ashamed. The moment I called the FBI on him, I realized Nick had become what he has become because I failed him. I failed all of you,” Chuck hung his head in shame. After a short while, he sipped his scotch and looked up at Castiel whose face was contorted in a frown and also surprise. “I am so sorry.”</p><p>Castiel sighed, exhausted. He did not know what to do with all that information, “Tell that to everyone, not just me.”</p><p>“I will. I’ll be hosting a party on New Year’s eve to explain everything.”</p><p>“Why New Year’s Eve? Why not tell us now?”</p><p>“You will understand then son. In the meantime, feel free to put in your resignation. I know someone who can fill that position at work.”</p><p>Castiel looked at his father's small figure behind that desk. He was so small, Castiel towered over him but he was powerful and had more money than he knew what to do with. But Castiel saw something in his father’s eyes that he saw in himself every time he looked at himself in the mirror; regret. The other thing was that Castiel did not trust Chuck, he was working an angle, whether he was telling the truth now or not, he couldn’t trust anything he said. The only way for Castiel to find out what his father was up to was to stay as close to him as possible, he would continue working for him until he uncovered the truth.</p><p>“No. I might as well put my Oxford Business Degree to use,” Castiel stated matter-of-factly. Chuck shook his head and smiled.</p><p>“That’s my boy,” Chuck smiled, his big blue eyes dancing with joy.</p><p>“This is not over, Chuck. We will revisit it.” With that, Castiel walked the expanse of the study to the door.</p><p>Chuck poured himself another scotch and wished that all his other sons had been brave enough to stand up to him like Castiel did. He loved a challenge, and Castiel had proved himself to be a worthy opponent. It was on.</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So we are at the halfway point. </p><p>Please note that this is a more like a filler chapter that serves to further the plot.  Things will start to get real very fast from the next chapter henceforth.</p><p>Enjoy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em> <strong>“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.” - Robert Brault.F</strong> </em>
</p><p>Dean sat in his office, shaking his leg nervously and biting his lip, as he listened to his phone trilling. He half wished that Castiel didn’t pick up but also hoped that he would. He was a mess of emotions and was about to hang up when Castiel picked up.</p><p>“Hello Dean,” Castiel’s gruff voice came from the other side of the phone followed by the rustling of papers and a door closing.</p><p>“Hey Cas. Did I catch you at a bad time? I can call back if you are busy or something,” Dean rambled as he stood up from behind his desk and started pacing the expanse of his office. Of course it was a bad time, it was four o’clock in the afternoon, and Castiel was a busy man. It had been two days since his conversation with Mildred, and he knew that he had to take a step towards his healing.</p><p>“No, Dean. It’s never a bad time when you call,” Castiel replied gently. “It’s been a while.”</p><p>“Yeah man, look, I was going through something, and I forgot to text you, is all,” he lied and rubbed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger.</p><p>“Oh God! Are you okay?” Castiel asked, worried. Dean could only imagine the look on his face, furrowed brows and his big blue eyes dark with worry. Dean felt guilty for lying and worrying Castiel, but, technically, he wasn't lying. The truth was that, as much as he had ignored Castiel for almost two weeks because he didn’t know where they stood, he was also going through a lifetime of issues. So technically it wasn’t a lie, just a half-truth. He had told Castiel too many half-truths lately, hadn’t he?</p><p>“Yeah. I’m fine, Cas. It’s sorted out now,” he told him and heard a small sigh from the other side. “I called to ask if we could hang out sometime.”</p><p>“Oh,” Castiel simply responded. Dean wished he could see him so he could read his face or body language and be able to decipher what he was thinking.</p><p>“I mean, as friends. We are friends aren’t we?” Dean added quickly before Castiel said anything.</p><p>“I suppose we are. We can hang out, Dean. Not tonight, though. I have a lot of work to do.”</p><p>“Okay. How about this weekend?”</p><p>“Yeah. I know a place. How does Sunday sound?” Dean could hear the excitement in his voice.</p><p>“Sunday's good,” Dean smiled, and then there was this awkward silence between them. Neither of them hung up and after a few seconds, they both laughed.</p><p>“I uh...I have to go back to work, now,” Castiel laughed.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah of course,” Dean laughed. “I..uh..me too.”</p><p>“I’ll text you the details, okay?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Goodbye, Dean,” Castiel said.</p><p>“See you, Cas,” Dean replied and hovered a little too long before hanging up.</p><p>That’s how Dean found himself watching polo on a Sunday afternoon with Castiel. Dean wore a pair of well-fitted white jeans, a navy blue blazer, and a pair of sunglasses, and was seated next to Castiel who wore a fitted double-breasted white suit and was snapping pictures left and right.</p><p>“What happened to your polaroid camera?” Dean laughed as he watched Castiel take a photo of a beautiful woman in a yellow dress and a ridiculously big hat. Dean was referring to the polaroid camera that Castiel had used all those years ago to take photos of him and his friends at the Dole train station. Happier, simpler times.</p><p>“I still have it, but for more professional shots I prefer this kind,” he smiled at Dean and checked the photos he had taken.</p><p>“You like photography, huh?” Dean asked as he observed Castiel’s stern face. Castiel concentrated on taking photos of his surroundings.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s a hobby of mine. It used to be a passion, but life happened and here I am.”</p><p>“I didn’t know that.”</p><p>“There’s a lot we don’t know about each other, Dean.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Dean responded quietly as he sipped his orange juice. It was a sunny spring afternoon, and the sun was shining brightly. They were seated outside, under the shade of a tent, watching an ongoing polo match. Dean didn't understand half of what was going on, but he was enjoying himself. He watched Castiel take a few more photos then check if they were in order. After a few shots, he put the camera on the table where they sat and smiled at Dean. He had expected that seeing Castiel after what had happened two weeks ago would be awkward, but once they saw each other, it had been like nothing had happened.</p><p>“Okay, I think I am done for now,” Castiel smiled, sipping his Pimms Cup.</p><p>“Why didn’t you pursue photography?” Dean inquired as he watched Castiel gasp as one of the players almost fell off his horse.</p><p>“I had to go to business school, then worked at Barclays in London for a while, and then just as I was about to bail out, I was forced to come back here and work for Chuck.”</p><p>“Oh. I’m sorry. I read about your brother, Nick. Is that why you came back?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Castiel said quietly, glancing at Dean and then back at the match before him. “What about you? I remember you telling me ten years ago that you had gone to Germany to look at Cars.”</p><p>“Yes...I uh, I love cars. I think I was forced to like them because my dad worked as a mechanic in the Army, and when mom died, he had to be home with me and Sammy, so he and uncle Bobby opened a garage.” He licked his pink lips. He chuckled as if reminiscing and glanced at Castiel before looking away again and taking another sip of his drink. “I started working on cars at that garage when I was like five, and somehow it was the only thing I wanted to do.”</p><p>“I’m sorry about your mom,” Castiel offered and gave Dean a sympathetic look.</p><p>“It’s okay, I was four when it happened, so it’s okay I guess. I don’t really remember her, you know? But I still have good memories of us, so it keeps me going.”</p><p>“Yeah. I feel like Alfie’s face is fading from my memory. It’s been fifteen years and sometimes it still hurts.”</p><p>“I know that feeling. But, as uncle Bobby says, life is for the living, so we’ve got to keep living.”</p><p>“I like this uncle Bobby already," Castiel said and their eyes met. They both seemed to be in pain after talking about the death of their loved ones but they managed small smiles. "To life.”Castiel raised his glass.</p><p>“To life,” Dean reiterated as they clinked their glasses together and sipped their drinks.</p><p>“Is that why you became an engineer? Castiel asked after a beat.</p><p>“Yeah. It’s the only thing I know how to do. It was either that or becoming a chef,” Dean laughed as Castiel looked at him awed.</p><p>“A chef? You can cook?” Castiel asked bewildered.</p><p>“Why? Yes I can,” Dean smiled at him and removed his sunglasses.</p><p>“The only thing I can cook is well...nothing. I only know how to make instant noodles,” Castiel laughed.</p><p>“What? Those are disgusting!”</p><p>“I know. That’s why I either order take out or get a chef to prep my meals for the week. I just pop whatever I am eating for the night in the microwave and I’m good to go.”</p><p>“<em>Fucking</em> rich people,” Dean opened his mouth scandalized trying to do the math of how much money it cost Castiel to order meals and hire a chef to prep meals for him.</p><p>“No one ever taught me how to. All I know is how to make PB &amp; J sandwiches which were Alfie's favorite. I learned just for him,” Castiel sipped his drink with a sad look on his face.</p><p>“I learned to cook because of Sammy too," Dean said, fiddling with his glass. "When dad was gone, sometimes for days on end, and I had no money, I had to find a way to feed Sammy. That damn kid ate like an elephant. Maybe that’s why he grew so tall,” Dean laughed, though the sad look in his eyes didn’t go unnoticed by Castiel. “I know a hundred ways to make mac 'n' cheese.”</p><p>“What?” Castiel laughed. “Will you teach me at least one of those ways?”</p><p>“Yeah. I would love that,” Dean smiled.</p><p>After that, they had a pleasant afternoon and as soon as the match was over, they ran to the field to join the rest of the spectators to stomp the ground, a polo tradition. Dean had a lot of fun that day. He had never been to a polo match before, but he had to admit that he had had a lot of fun that Sunday afternoon.</p><p> </p><p>➽➽➽</p><p> </p><p>Their friendship evolved into something beautiful, and Dean found himself hanging out with Castiel more. On weekends, Dean would make Castiel watch old movies with him after spending the day teaching him how to cook. Castiel’s meals would always turn into a disaster and they would end up eating omelets or PB &amp; Js for lunch. Dean never got angry with Castiel though, he always had fun cooking with him. He liked the challenge, knowing that a guy who was good at almost everything failed at one of the simplest tasks. After months of trying, they both agreed that Castiel was a lost cause in the kitchen, so they agreed that instead of hiring a chef all the time, Castiel would join Dean and Sam for Sunday dinners, and before he would leave, Dean would help him make simple recipes for his meals for the week.</p><p>The first time Castiel met Sam Winchester was on Sam’s twenty-sixth birthday on a sunny spring afternoon in New York. He was shocked that the guy Dean referred to as my baby brother, Sammy, was a handsome 6’4” muscular giant with long hair.</p><p>“Sam, this is Castiel,” Dean said, introducing his brother to Castiel. Both Sam and Castiel seemed awed to meet each other for different reasons; Sam was happy to meet Dean’s longtime new friend, and Castiel was shocked at how big Sam actually was. His 6’1” frame seemed small compared to this giant.</p><p>“Hi...uh...I...oh my God, it’s an honor,” Sam stammered as he walked towards Castiel and stretched his hand with a smile on his face. “I have heard a lot about you.”</p><p>“And I you, Sam Winchester. Dean’s baby brother,” Castiel replied with a small smile on his face taking Sam's large hand into his own.</p><p>Sam turned to gawk at Dean who was standing to his side, Dean just shrugged his shoulders and smirked as if to say, <em>“well you are my baby brother, aren’t you?”</em></p><p>“Only good things I hope,” Sam laughed nervously as he withdrew his hand from Castiel’s grasp. Castiel was looking at him intently as if he was studying him.</p><p>“Mostly,” Castiel teased. He and Dean laughed as Sam shook his head.</p><p>“Dean! What have you been telling him about me?”</p><p>“Nothing that bad. Just the usual, like how your farts are so toxic after you eat a burrito,” Dean laughed and Castiel joined in.</p><p>“Dean! Seriously?! I hate you!” Sam was mortified, he wished the ground would open and swallow him.</p><p>“Well it’s true,” Dean shrugged and laughed again, Sam glared at him.</p><p>“Don’t worry Sam, my farts are pretty toxic too. Especially after I eat beans,” Castiel teased. Dean rolled his eyes and Sam laughed.</p><p>“I like him,” Sam said as he realized that Castiel was really funny even though Dean always said he wasn’t. A bond of friendship and brotherhood was formed between Sam and Castiel after that.</p><p>On the fourth of July, Dean invited Castiel to a cookout at Jody and Donna’s. Jody and Donna were Sam and Dean’s friends, neighbors, and landlords. They were also both nurses at one of the hospitals in the city. Jody worked as an ER nurse while Donna worked as a scrub nurse. They were best friends who had met in the Army and were unlucky in love. Jody had lost the love of her life and their son in a road accident, and Donna had bad luck with two guys named Doug, one of whom said that she was too fat while the other one wanted her to be a stay-at-home wife like it was the 1950s.</p><p>They had become fast friends since they worked in the same regiment as nurses, and after serving for fifteen years, they retired and sought work as civilian nurses. They also decided to live together; unmarried and were in the process of starting a home for wayward girls and battered women called <em>Wayward Sisters.</em></p><p>“Welcome Castiel, Cas, is it okay if I call you Cas?” Jody asked as she firmly shook Castiel’s hand as soon as he walked inside their home. She was a beautiful woman with cropped black hair and carried herself in a manner that implied that she had worked in the military.</p><p>“Of course. Both are okay,” Castiel smiled and handed her the case of wine that he had brought and two six-packs of beer.</p><p>“Thanks for this,” Jody smiled as she called one of the guests to help her with the drinks that Castiel had brought. Castiel smiled at her again. “Beer?”</p><p>“Yes please,” Castiel said as she followed Jody to the backyard where everyone was, including Dean and Sam.</p><p>“Cas!” a beautiful bubbly woman with blonde hair exclaimed as she hugged Castiel so hard she almost knocked the air out of him.</p><p>“Hello,” Castiel greeted, confused. He didn’t like being touched especially by people he didn’t know.</p><p>“Donna, personal space,” Dean chimed in as he pulled the woman away from Castiel. She in turn hugged Dean and Dean kissed her hair.</p><p>“Cas, this is Donna. My friend who doesn’t know not to hug strangers,” Dean said mock grudgingly and Donna punched him lightly on the arm.</p><p>“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Donna. I have heard nothing but good things,” Castiel smiled at her. She smiled back as she untangled herself from Dean. She took the beer Dean was drinking and took a swig.</p><p>“I have heard a lot about you too. All good things of course,” Donna said as she took another swig. Dean rolled his eyes exasperated. “He won’t shut up about you. Cas this, Cas that. Are you two dating?”</p><p>“Okay, that’s enough,” Dean chided as he took the beer away from Donna. “That is not true, Cas. Don’t believe anything she says.”</p><p>“I could call Sam and Jody to confirm it,” Donna said, looking up at Dean in a challenging manner. Dean fidgeted and chugged the beer. Castiel watched Dean curiously. He wondered why Dean had told him that he didn’t drink yet here he was chugging a beer like he was a frat boy. Castiel didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to start an argument with Dean. It was his business whether he drank alcohol or not, but it hurt Castiel that Dean had lied to him.</p><p>“She’s just kidding. I don’t,” he shook his head and laughed nervously.</p><p>“He does,” Donna whispered loudly as she put her hand on the side of her mouth to hide it from Dean and winked at Castiel. Castiel watched them with amusement as they argued. It was all in good fun, though, and he saw so much of Dean in Donna, no wonder they got along so well.</p><p>“I heard that,” Dean said glaring at Donna. She pretended to zip her mouth and remained silent for a few seconds then she burst out laughing. Dean just shook his head and rolled his eyes.</p><p>Jody called out to Donna to help her with the guests because it was becoming too much for one person to handle since they had invited the entire neighborhood.</p><p>“I’ll be back, Cas,” Donna smiled at him and walked away smiling.</p><p>“What?” Dean asked when he met Castiel’s eyes gazing at him with adoration.</p><p>“Nothing. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Castiel said, blushing slightly.</p><p>“C’mon, say it.”</p><p>“Well, I think you have a crush on me.”</p><p>“What? Why would you say that?” Dean stuttered, bewildered.</p><p>“Never mind,” Castiel smiled as he walked past Dean to join everyone else leaving a blushing and mostly confused Dean standing with an empty beer bottle in his hand.</p><p>Later that evening, as they stood at the rooftop of Dean’s apartment building watching the fireworks, Castiel caught Donna nudging Sam and pointing not so subtly at how Dean and Castiel stood too close, hands almost touching. Castiel looked at how excited Dean was and how his face glowed as the fireworks lit up the sky; he really did love Dean, as a friend. Maybe he had found another friend after all.</p><p> </p><p>On Halloween, Dean convinced Castiel to dress up as Doc Holliday while he dressed up as Wyatt Earp for a Halloween party at Jody and Donna's. And when Castiel said, “I’m your Huckleberry" as they stepped out of Dean’s<em> Baby</em>, Dean swallowed hard because something about Castiel’s deep voice just did something to his insides. What that something was he did not want to find out, but it was warm and he liked it.</p><p>After that, they didn’t hang out much because the year was coming to an end and Castiel had to oversee the accounting for the fiscal year and present his projections for the next year to the Board of Directors at SBMC. Dean was also busy trying to complete his project, but he had hit a snag. Rufus and Zachariah advised him to shelf it for the moment and take a step back to relax and try to find another way to complete it.</p><p>In those days, he ached for a drink but it was the phone calls and texts he exchanged with Castiel that kept him going. It also helped that Charlie was always there when he needed her, especially for work, and they were becoming fast friends too, though they never hung out outside of work.</p><p> </p><p>➽➽➽</p><p> </p><p>“How about Castiel? He seems dreamy,” Charlie asked as she tried on the third dress that Dean had helped her pick. She was going to meet her girlfriend's, Gilda, parents for the first time, and she had somehow managed to drag Dean to an outlet mall to shop for an outfit. Dean was seated in the waiting room of the ladies’ fitting rooms where he got odd looks from women who walked in. He made sure not to smile and busied himself with his phone until Charlie came out wearing a dress that made her look like a showgirl from the 1920’s Dean shook her head and Charlie pouted.</p><p>“What? How...Why would you say that?” Dean was confused as to how their conversation about him needing to start dating had ended up with Charlie mentioning Castiel. “You’ve never even met the guy.”</p><p>“Dude, have you heard the way you talk about him?” Charlie asked a little too loudly from behind the curtain of the fitting stall she was occupying.</p><p>“What? He’s just a friend. And I told you I’m not...you know,” Dean muttered that last part.</p><p>“Gay? You can say it, it’s not a vile word you know?” Charlie came out wearing a pair of fitted blue jeans and a white blouse. Dean gave her a thumbs up, she frowned then shrugged her shoulders.</p><p>“I know, it’s not a vile word but I’m just not.”</p><p>“You know sexuality is fluid right?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Like me, I knew that I liked girls when I was six years old. For some people, they find out later in life. But I believe you don’t have to put a label on it,” she was still standing outside her stall looking at Dean intently. Dean met her big, beautiful, brown eyes and then looked away as if ashamed.</p><p>“Why are we talking about this? Go get changed. I am starting to get weird looks,” Dean tried changing the subject. Charlie huffed and walked back to the stall.</p><p>“You know Dean, I have pretty good gaydar and you, my friend, are at least a four on the Kinsey scale,” she shouted from behind the curtain.</p><p>“Okay, I’m out of here,” Dean shouted back, getting strange looks from two women who were looking at their outfits on the full-length mirror at the end of the fitting room. Dean gave them a small smile and walked out of the room. He was going to kill Charlie with his bare hands.<em> And what the fuck was a Kinsey scale?</em></p><p>By the time Christmas rolled in, he realized that he had reduced the number of times he saw Dr. Mildred now. He used to see her once a week and sometimes twice when he was having a rough time, but since he and Castiel started hanging out more, and also with Charlie’s friendship, the nightmares had vanished. Even when he had a bad dream, it was just the ordinary ones from stress at work, not the recurring nightmare of him being crushed to death.</p><p>He had, however, not seen Castiel since Halloween because, during Thanksgiving, Castiel had traveled to visit his mom and step-father which was a perfect excuse for him to get away from his brothers and Chuck. When Castiel came back, they didn’t have time to meet again since he still had too much work to do planning for the next fiscal year. Dean missed him and realized that he had grown too accustomed to being with Castiel. He may have found a new friend too.</p><p> </p><p>➽➽➽</p><p> </p><p>On New Year’s eve, Chuck threw a party as he had promised Castiel months ago, and it was mandatory for every member of the Shurley family to attend. Castiel was curious as to why Chuck would want the whole family together for a business announcement. That had never happened before. He had also invited a few media houses, and Micheal seemed confused as well since he had no idea what Chuck wanted to say.</p><p>“I am officially stepping down as CEO of SBMC, and my son, Micheal, shall take full reigns from now henceforth,” Chuck said and there were murmurs, flashes, microphones shoved in his face, and confused glances from all around. Chuck stilled them by raising his hand and continued, “The reason why I am stepping down, and why I have been away for three years, is because I am tired of living a lie.” There were morse gasps, and Castiel’s heart was thudding so loudly in his chest he feared that his sister Hannah who was standing next to him could hear it.</p><p>“If it’s to tell us that you like men too, we already knew that,” someone shouted from the crowd and people laughed.</p><p>“No, that is not it, my sexuality has never been a secret,” Chuck smiled, and then he pulled a stern face. “I am Carver Edlund.”</p><p>There was shuffling, gasps, murmurs, cameras clicking, and more microphones shoved in Chuck’s face. Castiel already knew this, he had known since he was a little boy when he would sit in Chuck’s study and watch him write. Castiel would also use his pencil to write poetry which Chuck told him was garbage but his mother told him he would be greater than Shakespeare someday.</p><p>“I have been working on a manuscript for my memoir, and I will be publishing it in two years’ time. In the meantime, I am publishing my fiction works which will be in stores as early as Valentine’s day. That is all.”</p><p>“What will be the title of your memoir?” A reporter asked.</p><p>“<em>It is not easy being God</em>,” Chuck smiled and walked out of the room as reporters shouted questions. Castiel and his family shook their heads knowing that Chuck was arrogant enough to actually name his memoir that.</p><p>Chuck didn’t apologize to his family as he had promised Castiel months ago. Castiel was not surprised.</p><p>By midnight, the news had hit major channels, and Dean had seen it too, going by the text he had just sent Castiel instead of a ‘Happy New Year’ one.</p><p><em><strong>Your dad is Carver Edlund? Why didn’t you tell me? You aren’t a very good friend</strong></em>. Dean’s text said.</p><p><em><strong>You never asked</strong></em>. Castiel replied.</p><p>
  <strong> <em>How would I have known?</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>Exactly.</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>Huh? Can I at least get signed copies of his new books?</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>What’s in it for me?</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>I cook your meals so I think that’s only fair.</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>You are going to have to do better than that.</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>How about a promise to be your best friend forever.</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>I already have enough of those and forever is too long.</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>You’re insufferable.</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>I know. How about you let me drive baby.</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>What?! Cas, that’s too steep.</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Your loss.</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Fine! Only once, for like a mile, and I will be right beside you.</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Wouldn’t have it any other way, Dean. Happy New Year.</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Happy New Year, Cas.</em> </strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's Dean's birthday 🎂. Cas didn't know. Things get interesting.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is just a random weird thing I just remembered but this chapter is about Dean's birthday and tomorrow is Jensen's birthday.</p>
<p>Enjoy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong><em>“Hot chocolate and rain. A perfect match made in heaven.”- Vasar Kujur</em> </strong>
</p>
<p>Dean hated his birthday. It was a reminder that it was a new year, and he was still a scared little boy who carried his demons like a badge of honor. It also did not help that his birthday fell on the last week of January. It was a new year and a new beginning in every sense of the word but he was stuck in the darkness of the past.</p>
<p>So, he never celebrated it. Bobby, Gordon, Lee, and Sam were the only people who knew when his birthday was. His tradition with Sam, since they went to California, was Sam would get him slices of different kinds of pie along with beer, and they would call it a day. Bobby joined them when he could but since he was back in Kansas, he just called to wish him a Happy Birthday.</p>
<p>“Happy Birthday, old man,” Bobby’s gruff voice came from the other side of the phone.</p>
<p>Robert Singer, or Uncle Bobby as Dean and Sam called him, was somewhat a surrogate father to Dean. He had been there for Sam and Dean, but mostly ]Dean, when their father lashed out. He was there when Dean told him that he liked boys too, and he had embraced him, kissed his hair, and said, “Son, it doesn’t matter who you love, it only matters that you love. But, know this, even if nobody else ever loves you, I will always love you. Even if you are an <em>idjit</em>.”</p>
<p>“Who are you calling old, you old grump,” Dean laughed as he heard Bobby huffed from the other side.</p>
<p>“Well, at least I’m still old and good-looking, unlike you,” Bobby huffed.</p>
<p>“Ouch. Are you calling me ugly?” Dean fake cried.</p>
<p>“Boohoo, did I hurt your feelings princess?” Bobby said and they both laughed. It was always like this with them. Bobby would say mean things, Dean would pretend to be sad, and then they would laugh. He was a grumpy middle-aged man who loved cars, beer, and Dean and Sam in that order.</p>
<p>“How have you been? How’s the business?” Dean asked, excited.</p>
<p>“Well, I’m thinking of selling the garage and moving to Montana,” Bobby said matter of factly.</p>
<p>“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”</p>
<p>“If you called more maybe I would have.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry. I’ll call you more. What’s in Montana?”</p>
<p>“A ranch.”</p>
<p>“Oh...now I want to come and visit, you know I love horses. When are you moving?”</p>
<p>“I haven’t decided yet,”</p>
<p>“Let me know if you need help with anything.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Bobby sighed. “How’s that giant baby brother of yours?”</p>
<p>“He’s good, he started a new job at one of the investment firms on Wall Street so there’s that,” Dean was worried about Sam working in a cutthroat business; Wall Street was brutal, especially for young people.</p>
<p>“You know he will be fine,” Bobby placated. “He’s a tough kid. Both of you are.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, well, we had to be,” Dean said quietly as horrible memories of his childhood kept flashing before his eyes.</p>
<p>“Not anymore, son. You made it,” Bobby said, and Dean could almost taste the pride in his voice.</p>
<p>“Yeah, we did. But did we though? Because I still feel like I am trapped back there in Kansas. In that house,” Dean blurted out and almost regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. He didn’t want to worry Bobby, but the cat was out of the bag now, and there was nothing he could do about it.</p>
<p>“How is therapy going?” Bobby inquired, concerned.</p>
<p>“It’s going well. I haven't had nightmares since Fall,” Dean replied. He felt exhausted all of a sudden.</p>
<p>“Good. Then keep going, and remember to take it one day at a time. Call me at any time if you need anything,” Bobby told him.</p>
<p>“But you always say I only call you when I need something,” Dean laughed.</p>
<p>“That’s because you only call when you need something, but I don’t mind it because you are also my favorite,” Bobby assured him. “Just don’t tell Sam I said that.” They both laughed.</p>
<p>“My lips are sealed.”</p>
<p>When Bobby finally hung up, Dean felt a little lighter. Sometimes all a guy needed was his dad to make the day better.</p>
<p>➽➽➽</p>
<p>“You didn’t have to do this G,” Dean said as he placed his fork back on the plate and looked at Gordon who was smiling brightly at him. “My birthday was two months ago.”</p>
<p>“And?” Gordon asked him as he pushed his dessert plate away and wiped his mouth with a napkin.</p>
<p>“And…and…,” Dean tried justifying his statement, but he was lost for words. Of course his friend didn’t have to take him out to one of the fanciest restaurants with a beautiful bar and lounge on the rooftop on the upper west side.</p>
<p>“You are my best friend man and it’s your thirtieth. I know you hate celebrating your birthday, but this was a big one,” Gordon smiled and stood up. “Now, let’s go to the rooftop, I have a whole bottle of Glenfiddich aged 18 years waiting for you.”</p>
<p>“G, c’mon man, you’ve done enough,” Dean tried to stop him, but Gordon was not having it.</p>
<p>“Bro, I’ll kick your ass. Can we just go? Please,” he pouted, and Dean sighed, not being able to refuse him, and followed him up the stairs to the rooftop bar where they had a view of the river and riverside park.</p>
<p>“This is gorgeous,” Dean exclaimed as he watched the New York night sky and the way the city lights reflected in the water from their table. It was beautiful.</p>
<p>“Only the best for my best friend,” Gordon laughed as a hostess brought them a bottle of Johnnie Walker and two glasses.</p>
<p>“Thank you G,” Dean smiled.</p>
<p>“Happy Birthday, Dean.”</p>
<p>They talked about Gordon’s life, and he confessed that he was thinking of proposing to Bela, but he was scared she might say no, that she liked their relationship the way it was. Dean assured him that Bela loved him and that she would never say no to him. Dean was almost sure that Bela would actually be mad that Gordon had not proposed sooner.</p>
<p>They talked about Gordon’s business, and whether he had been able to sort out the issue with the name for his wine line.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I did. It’ll be launching soon,” Gordon said as he sipped his scotch.</p>
<p>“Congrats man, I’m glad things worked out,” Dean smiled at him.</p>
<p>“All thanks to my lawyer. I couldn’t have done it without him,” Gordon said looking at Dean.</p>
<p>“Speaking of your lawyer, you said his name was Mick right?” Dean asked, looking anywhere but at Gordon.</p>
<p>“Mick Davies. Why?” Gordon frowned wondering why Dean was asking after his lawyer. It was the way Dean asked it and how he could not meet Gordon’s eyes that made him curious.</p>
<p>“Nothing I just...never mind,” Dean laughed nervously.</p>
<p>“C’mon man, now I’m curious. Did he do something wrong that I am not aware of?” Gordon inquired, worried.</p>
<p>“Oh no, no, no. It’s something stupid.”</p>
<p>“Dean! Spill or I will tickle you into submission. You know I will do it.”</p>
<p>“Fine! Fine! I know you can. It’s just I don’t know how to say it.”</p>
<p>“Okay, now you are on,” Gordon said as he stood up from his seat and started walking towards Dean who was seated opposite him. Dean started bucking away, and they got weird glances from people.</p>
<p>“Okay, G. Sit down. I’ll spill,” Dean laughed as he adjusted himself in his seat, and Gordon backed away. Gordon looked at him curiously. “I think he and Cas are, you know, fuck buddies,” Dean whispered the last part.</p>
<p>“What?!” Gordon blurted out, his eyes wide. “Mick’s gay? Wait, how do you know about this? Are you and Cas back together? What is happening?”</p>
<p>“Okay, calm down. I know because Cas told me, like, a year ago. And no, Cas and I- it’s not like that, we’re <em>just friends</em>,” Dean explained, glancing at Gordon then looking away after he saw the look on Gordon’s face. He could see the gears turning in his head.</p>
<p>“Wait, when did you and Cas start talking again? Also in what context did you discuss his sex life?” Gordon was bewildered, it was all too much to process.</p>
<p>“Look, it just came up and I was curious, and when I googled him, he was the only Mick that wasn’t an Irish bar owner I could find, so I figured I’d ask you,” Dean bit his lip nervously and watched Gordon open and then close his mouth.</p>
<p>“But why does it matter who he’s with. You two are just friends,” the way Gordon said it, Dean could tell he was mocking him, but he wished he hadn’t opened his mouth. It was going to become a thing, and Gordon would never shut up about it.</p>
<p>“I don’t care. I was just curious. Can we talk about something else?”</p>
<p>“Before we do that, I have a confession to make.”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“This is Balthazar’s restaurant. He’s Cas’ brother and I didn't want to say anything because I thought it didn't matter, but now they are walking towards us.”</p>
<p>“What?” Dean asked, trying to process all the information that Gordon was giving him.</p>
<p>“Hello, Dean,” Castiel’s voice came from behind Dean before Gordon could respond to his question. He was going to kill Gordon.</p>
<p>Dean and Castiel hadn’t seen each other since Halloween, and although they called each other and even texted once in a while, they hadn’t <em>really</em> talked.</p>
<p>“Cas, what...what are you doing here? Dean inquired as he turned to look at Castiel who was standing by his side.</p>
<p>“I came to see Zar, my brother,” Castiel replied as he gestured towards Balthazar who was stretching out his hand to Dean with a grin on his face.</p>
<p>“Pleasure to finally meet Cassie’s new, old friend,” his deep voice with a thick British accent responded as Dean shook his hand.</p>
<p>“Nice to meet you, Balthazar,” Dean said as he internally chuckled about the name. However, on the outside, he was blushing as Castiel’s blue orbs took him in.</p>
<p>“Call me Zar,” Balthazar said and that’s when it hit Dean that the restaurant was named Zar‘s after the owner.</p>
<p>“Nice place,” Dean said as Balthazar motioned to the hostess to bring them two more seats. Castiel hugged Gordon and exchanged a few pleasantries then pulled a seat next to Dean. Balthazar sat next to Gordon as they chatted away catching up. They were excited to see each other again. Apparently, they were old friends and had been doing business for a while now. Dean wasn't angry that Gordon hadn't told him about it because honestly, he had also not told Gordon that he and Castiel were talking again or that they were friends now. He would be a hypocrite if he did that, but he wasn't especially thrilled about it.</p>
<p>“I thought you didn’t drink,” Castiel said softly as he looked at the glass in Dean’s hand. Gordon had asked Balthazar and Castiel to join them and although Balthazar was excited about it, Castiel seemed reluctant until his brother gave him a look that had him sitting down so fast he almost fell off his seat.</p>
<p>Balthazar and Gordon were chatting away excitedly as they sipped their drinks. The hostess had poured a drink for Castiel too but he had not touched it yet.</p>
<p>“I do,” Dean said and downed the brown liquid in his glass and poured another. He felt bad that he had told Castiel that he didn’t drink. But it was better than telling him that he didn’t drink around strangers because he didn’t trust them.</p>
<p>In this case, however, Castiel was not really a stranger. So how could Dean justify himself and his actions then? Also, as for trust between them, it was Castiel who was not supposed to trust Dean after everything he had done to him. Not the other way round.</p>
<p>“Oh, I see,” Castiel swallowed hard and sipped his drink. He remembered that Dean had also been drinking during the Fourth of July cookout at Jody and Donna’s. Well, look who was a big fat liar.</p>
<p>“Happy belated Birthday, Dean,” Balthazar’s voice cut through the awkward silence that had fallen upon Dean and Castiel’s side of the table.</p>
<p>“Happy Birthday?” Castiel asked bewildered again. There was a lot he had found out about Dean in the last few minutes.</p>
<p>“Yeah. It was in January, though,” Dean said without meeting Castiel’s eyes as he sipped his drink.</p>
<p>“Oh. Happy belated birthday.” Castiel managed a smile that did not reach his eyes.</p>
<p>“Thanks guys. But it really isn’t a big deal,” Dean tried to explain.</p>
<p>“It is, Dean. Dirty thirty plus one is a big one, that’s when it hits you that you need to get your shit together,” Gordon laughed and Balthazar joined in. Castiel remained quiet, sipping his drinking while Dean rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>As the night wore on, Dean and Castiel didn’t talk to each other again, but there was no outright hostility, just a cold war brewing underneath the surface. Balthazar was called to sort some managerial things out, and he came back later saying that he had to go back to work. He told them that their meal and drinks were on him. Gordon tried to protest, but Balthazar was not having it.</p>
<p>Later, Gordon got a call from Bela letting him know that she had landed, so he rushed out to go meet her. She was supposed to jet in the next day, but somehow she was here. He had, however, asked Dean if he was okay or whether he wanted to come with him. Dean assured him he was fine, and if he needed anything, he would call him.</p>
<p>Dean felt like the world was conspiring against him because it was just him and Castiel now, and neither of them seemed to be in a hurry to leave. Dean had stopped drinking when Gordon left and ordered water instead. Castiel watched him curiously.</p>
<p>“I need to sober up,” Dean muttered as he stood up and realized that his legs were wobbly.</p>
<p>“Then let’s go for a walk,” Castiel said as he looked at his watch, “It’s only 10 p.m. on a Saturday.”</p>
<p>Dean wanted to refuse, but he felt bad that Castiel had caught him in a lie. Besides, they were friends now; friends who had not hung out in a while. He also trusted that Castiel would take care of him. So he nodded, and they walked out of the restaurant together. He grabbed his coat from the coat check and draped it over his shoulder as he followed Castiel outside into the cool spring air.</p>
<p>They walked quietly along the river. It was quiet, save for a few boats and a handful of people they passed, as they walked slowly taking in their surroundings. Dean had never been on this side of town save for that night after the cocktail party, and he had to admit, it was beautiful. The glowing lights of the street lamps lit up the water beautifully, but the most beautiful view of all was how Castiel’s face glowed under the lights. Dean shook his head to get a hold of his feelings and cleared his throat.</p>
<p>“Cas? Are we okay?” Dean asked softly as he strolled leisurely next to Castiel who had not said a word to him since they left the restaurant.</p>
<p>“I thought we were, but I feel like you don’t trust me,” Castiel said bluntly looking at the river.</p>
<p>“Wha...what? Why would you think that? We are friends, of course I trust you, otherwise, I wouldn’t be walking with you at this time of night,” Dean replied, frowning. He knew why Castiel had said what he had said, but he really never meant to make him feel like he didn’t trust him.</p>
<p>“You didn’t tell me about your birthday, and you don’t drink when you are around me. Are we even friends?” Castiel said, his voice clipped as he turned to look at Dean, his blue eyes now dark, maybe from anger, maybe from the insufficient light.</p>
<p>“It’s...It’s not like that. I just...Look, I never celebrate my birthday, and only a handful of people know about it. As for the alcohol, I just don’t drink around strangers.”</p>
<p>“Oh, so I’m a stranger now?”</p>
<p>“Jesus, Cas. Not everything is about you. I was alone the night of the gala, and I was supposed to take a cab back to Brooklyn alone, that’s why I didn’t drink!”</p>
<p>“I could’ve taken you home. I have a driver who would’ve gladly obliged to do so.”</p>
<p>“Well, I didn’t want to impose. But...it had nothing to do with you. I just...it’s complicated,” Dean muttered as if he was remembering a painful memory. He kicked a pebble that was on his path and glanced at Cas with sad eyes. “I trust you, Cas. With my life. I always have since the first day I met you.”</p>
<p>Something about the look in Dean’s eyes and the way he said he trusted Castiel made his heart melt. He wanted to say so much to him about how he felt, how he trusted him too, but as soon as he opened his mouth, a big drop of water hit him, then another and another, and soon it was pouring-rain drumming down on the concrete around them, the smell of wet earth and dust sifting in the air. They could hear cars honking and the few people on the streets running around them. A boat hooted in the distance.</p>
<p>“C’mon,” Castiel laughed, reaching for Dean’s hand. Dean took it, clasping his hand tightly in Castiel's as they ran through the rain, laughing.</p>
<p>“Where are we going?” Dean was panting, still holding onto Castiel’s hand tightly. Castiel looked at him and smiled.</p>
<p>“Do you trust me?” Castiel asked, stopping in the now heavy rain.</p>
<p>“Yes, I trust you, Cas. You know I do,” Dean shouted, looking at him with furrowed brows and a smile on his face.</p>
<p>“Then let’s go. I know a place,” Castiel replied as he tugged at Dean’s hand and they started running again in the rain.</p>
<p>“Shouldn’t we get a cab or something?” Dean asked after five minutes of running through the unrelenting rain.</p>
<p>“We are almost there,” Castiel said as they turned a corner to a residential area and then stopped at one of those fancy apartment buildings. There was a doorman and everything.</p>
<p>“Cas?” Dean asked, but Castiel didn’t say anything. He was ushering him through the glass doors of a well-lit, rich smelling doorway after greeting the doorman who had nodded in respect.</p>
<p>“Stop standing there, we’re creating a mess. Let’s go upstairs,” Castiel nudged Dean who was standing at the lobby, his mouth agape, looking at the beautiful art, light fixtures, and potted plants that were in the lobby. “The elevator, Dean.”</p>
<p>Dean followed Castiel to the elevator, and soon they were on the sixth floor outside an apartment door which Castiel opened and invited Dean in. They hadn’t talked in the elevator because Dean didn’t know where they were going, and Castiel had been busy trying to remove his jacket and now drenched shoes.</p>
<p>“Cas? You live here?” Dean asked as Castiel handed him a towel to wipe his hair and led him to an immaculate bathroom with marble floors and countertops</p>
<p>“Yes, Dean. Here, you can wear these, we are almost the same size,” Castiel said handing Dean a pair of grey sweatpants and a white T-shirt. “Shower’s over there if you need it.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, Cas. What about you?” Dean asked as he looked at Castiel’s drenched clothes and his black hair sticking out from where he had dried it with a towel.</p>
<p>“I’ll use the one in my bedroom. Once you are done you can go to the living room or kitchen and make yourself a hot chocolate or whatever,” Castiel smiled and Dean nodded. “There are also extra towels in that drawer in case you need any.”</p>
<p>As soon as Castiel left the bathroom, Dean laid his clothes on the small bench that sat near the sink and stripped off his blazer, shirt, and jeans. His shoes were drenched, and he cursed because they were his favorite pair and the rain might’ve destroyed them.</p>
<p>He contemplated whether to take a shower or not, but he decided to take one anyway. He turned it on and stood under the hot water spray with perfect pressure and let it soak his body. He liked how it felt on his skin. There were lemongrass shampoo and body wash from the same line, and he smiled once he opened them since they reminded him of Castiel and how he used to smell. Lately, he smelled somewhat different; still of citrus but with a note of lavender. Dean loved it.</p>
<p>Once he was done showering, he wore the clothes that Castiel had given him. He also found a pair of house slippers laid out for him outside the bathroom door and his soaked clothes gone. Castiel was in the living room, sitting on the couch with two cups of steaming hot chocolate on the table before him.</p>
<p>“That took a while,” Castiel laughed as he looked at Dean up and down and licked his lips.</p>
<p>“I decided to take a shower. You have amazing water pressure,” Dean gushed as he sat next to Castiel on the comfortable couch and sighed. Their eyes met and they both laughed.</p>
<p>“You smell really nice too,” Castiel said a small smile tugging at his lips, he was blushing a little.</p>
<p>“You don’t smell so bad yourself,” Dean quipped. They both laughed. Dean looked outside where the rain was coming down hard. He checked his phone and realized that it was almost two in the morning so he texted Sam that he was with Castiel and wouldn’t make it home due to the rain. He didn’t want his brother to worry.</p>
<p>“I made you hot chocolate. Your recipe,” Castiel smiled as he handed Dean his mug and watched him as he sipped it.</p>
<p>“Mmmm...so good. But where are the marshmallows?” Dean whined. “You know I like marshmallows.”</p>
<p>“I don’t eat sugar, not really. But I will get them especially for you,” Castiel told him as he sipped his own drink and closed his eyes to savor the taste and the warmth.</p>
<p>Dean watched him from behind the rim of his cup and smiled. He didn’t know what he was feeling right now, but the feeling was familiar. His chest swelled and his heart thudded a little too fast, there were butterflies in his stomach, and there was a smile that he couldn’t stop. And when Castiel looked at him with those big, blue eyes that seemed to change color so often, galaxies dancing inside them, his heart swelled a little more and a comforting warmth spread throughout his body. Must be the hot chocolate.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dean woke up the next morning to the sound of birds singing. He was confused at first, not knowing where he was, but he remembered he was at Castiel’s apartment. He was sprawled on the couch, a soft, warm blanket covering him and his head resting on a fluffy pillow. He must have fallen asleep because the last thing he remembered was Castiel telling him something about bumblebees as they watched a nature documentary on the TV. He sat up on the couch and checked his phone and realized that it was half-past one. No calls, no texts. <em>What the fuck?</em> He would’ve gotten angry at himself for sleeping in, but the view that was obstructed last night by the rain was now visible. He walked towards the glass walls and looked out on the street, from where he stood, he could see the river, now filled with people and more boats, the park on the other side covered with cherry blossoms among other trees, and people walking with strollers, dogs, you name it. Then he saw the balcony where Castiel stood wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, he was barefoot with a camera in his hand taking photos.</p>
<p>“Hey, Cas,” Dean greeted him softly, “Why didn’t you wake me?”<em> Why was Cas so beautiful? The way his feet touched the floor, the way his beautiful hands held the camera, the sharp angle of his jaw that seemed as if it would cut someone. His bedhead and his perfect profile, he had a stubble coming on, and fuck, was he gorgeous.</em></p>
<p>“You looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to bother you. Besides, I also just woke up like half an hour ago,” Castiel stopped taking photos and turned to look at Dean. <em>Fuck he was beautiful even after he just woke up.</em> Castiel’s eyes were as beautiful as the clear blue sky above them this fine afternoon.</p>
<p>“Oh,” Dean said as he stretched. “I missed my workout today.”</p>
<p>“There’s a gym downstairs that you can use,” Castiel said as he went back to taking pictures, Dean stopped stretching and looked at him.</p>
<p>“Dude, now I feel like I am taking advantage of you,” Dean said as he did a few more stretches and groaned as he felt a stiff muscle on his shoulders.</p>
<p>“It’s already paid for, whether I use it or not won’t make any difference. Besides, what are friends for?” Castiel explained.</p>
<p>“Maybe next time, right now I need to call Sam and then get home. He must be worried.”</p>
<p>“I already called him last night and we texted when I woke up.”</p>
<p>“Is that why he didn’t respond to my text?”</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Castiel laughed and shrugged as he turned to look at Dean. Their eyes met and Dean shook his head. Castiel really was something, and as much as Castiel and Sam were friends, Dean needed to call his brother.</p>
<p>Sam didn’t pick up but texted him as soon as Dean hung up. <em><strong>Just relax and have fun. I’m fine, at Sarah’s.</strong></em></p>
<p>Dean let out a sigh and replied. <strong><em>Ok- See you later in the evening.</em></strong></p>
<p>And with that, Dean finished his stretching and Castiel stopped what he was doing to help him with a few positions. Once they were done, they went back into the house and Dean asked Castiel to sit back as he made them burgers for lunch.</p>
<p>They chatted away as they watched more nature documentaries and ate burgers. Later, Castiel showed Dean around his two-bedroom condo. It was a spacious apartment with so many amenities including a twenty-four-hour concierge service. Apparently, that’s where Dean’s drenched clothes had been taken the previous night, but now they were laid out neatly on the bed in the guest bedroom. There were also resident lounges and a stunning outdoor courtyard. Dean wanted to live like this someday.</p>
<p>Later, Dean helped Castiel prep meals for the week ahead and left at around six o’clock in the evening. Castiel wanted to drive him home but Dean called a cab instead. He honestly felt like he had imposed a lot on Castiel and his kindness. When he got home, Sam had not come back yet so he went to his room to prepare for another workday with a smile on his face knowing that he and Castiel stood in a good place, on solid ground.</p>
<p>After that night, his friendship with Castiel took on a different form. They were friends but maybe more, they were best friends. They resumed their Sunday dinners and spent every weekend together unless they had other things to do. They had ventured into the territory of inseparable best friends.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Things get real.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>"One day-preferably when we’re both blind drunk-we can talk about it." -J.D. Salinger</strong> </em>
</p><p>Castiel stood with Sam talking about work under the mid-morning sun at an open field that used to be a racetrack but was now an all-purpose kind of place in New Jersey on a Saturday morning.</p><p>It was the beginning of Summer, the sun was bright, and the people were happy and relaxed. Max Banes had entered Dean’s name in a motor show competition under the classic cars section after he had seen Dean’s car on his computer. Dean had protested but Charlie and Max had convinced him that it would be a good opportunity because there was prize money for the top three cars. Dean loved to gamble so he agreed. Dean had invited his brother, Charlie, and Castiel to come and cheer him on.</p><p>“Whoa! Is that who I think it is?” Charlie exclaimed, walking towards Sam who was standing next to Castiel at the field where the motor show was taking place.</p><p>“Charlie, Cas. Cas, Charlie,” Sam introduced them and before he could even finish, Charlie lunged her small frame at Castiel and hugged him, almost knocking the air out of him. She was another Donna, just tinier, younger, and with red hair. Castiel smiled.</p><p>“I thought you would be shorter,” Charlie told him as she walked towards Sam putting her backpack down. Castiel’s smile turned into a confused frown, Dean’s female friends were a handful.</p><p>Sam smiled knowing that Charlie’s comment had something to do with how Dean described Castiel. Before he had met him, Sam had thought that Castiel was a ‘weird, dorky little guy with the bluest eyes he had ever seen' because that is how Dean described Castiel. Sam was surprised to see that Castiel was almost as tall as Dean was and a lot more muscular than his brother.</p><p>“Glad that you’re here,” Charlie smiled at Castiel who was now facing her. There was a quirky awkwardness about her manner which Castiel found peculiar but adorable.</p><p>“Yeah, Dean invited me,” Castiel told her and they looked at each other awkwardly and laughed.</p><p>“Your eyes are really blue, Dean was right,” Charlie gushed and Castiel blushed due to the fact that Dean told everyone about his eyes.</p><p>“Thank you,” Castiel smiled and Sam smiled from where he stood watching them and shook his head. Dean had an interesting taste in friends, no one was like the other.</p><p>“Hey, look who decided to show,” Dean said as he walked towards Charlie and Castiel with Max in tow. He hugged Castiel and hung on to him a little too long. <em>He smells so good</em>, Castiel thought as Dean’s arms held him then patted him on the back.</p><p>“Well, I couldn’t miss this.” Castiel smiled at him as they untangled themselves from each other and then his smile faded as he looked at Max. “And who’s this?”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, this is Max, he works at Sandover,” Dean introduced them to each other. Max shook Castiel’s hand enthusiastically, but he didn’t smile and neither did Castiel. Max was a beautiful man- tall, lean, wore bomber jackets and skinny jeans, clean-shaven, and had the most beautiful grey eyes that Castiel had ever seen. Also from the way he was checking Dean out and hanging on his every word, there was definitely something going on between them. Something inside Castiel broke.</p><p>“The show is about to get started, I just came to say hello. I’ll see you after,” Dean said, looking at all of them.</p><p>“Go get ‘em tiger!” Charlie cheered him on and Dean hugged her.</p><p>“Don’t crash the car,” Sam teased and patted his brother on the shoulder.</p><p>“I believe in you, Dean,” Castiel said softly and gave Dean the softest smile he could muster. Dean smiled back.</p><p>“Remember what we talked about, just let <em>baby’s</em> beauty shine,” Max smiled and winked at Dean. Dean blushed as Max ran his hand along Dean’s arm all the way down to his hand. They didn’t hold hands but their fingers brushed and Castiel wanted to scream. Something inside him was pushing him to stand between them but he remained rooted to the ground.</p><p>“No one can outdo <em>baby’s</em> beauty,” Dean quipped, laughing.</p><p>“Have you looked in the mirror lately?” Max asked, smiling at Dean.</p><p>“Oh stop, it!” Dean laughed and nudged his arm slightly.</p><p>“Okay, if you two are done flirting I think I see a furious event manager walking towards you,” Sam chortled then cleared his throat when Dean glared at him.</p><p>“Wish me luck guys,” Dean said as he ran towards an angry event manager who was yelling something at him.</p><p>“Good luck,” Castiel muttered as he went to sit beside Charlie in the spectator’s lounge.</p><p>Dean came in second after losing by three points to a 1968 Chevrolet Corvette L88. The Corvette was owned by a beautiful black woman named Tamara. She had a can-do attitude, cropped hair, and a fitted biker Jacket with <em>Heller</em> printed on it with bold white letters. Dean congratulated her and she nodded her head telling him that the Impala wasn’t that bad either. Dean smiled as he watched her get inside the Corvette next to a sturdy man who kissed her as she settled next to him, and they drove off.</p><p>“This ride is fire!” Max gushed as he ran his hands all over <em>baby</em>. “You deserved to win.”</p><p>“Well, I think Dean is still a winner,” Castiel retorted, digging daggers to the back of Max’s head.</p><p>“Yes, he is,” Charlie chimed in. “How much did you get anyway?”</p><p>“Five large,” Dean smiled as he removed the crisp bills from the envelope and put them in his wallet.</p><p>“Drinks are on you tonight, big guy,” Max said, winking at Dean and then biting his bottom lip. Dean blushed, Castiel looked away from them wishing he could punch a wall or something, hard. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t be in the same place with Max one more second, with his hands all over Dean, and his beautiful eyes ogling Dean and winking at him. He didn’t know why he cared or why he was jealous, but he knew that he didn’t want anyone else touching Dean. He wanted it to be him doing all those things.</p><p>“I...can’t join you. I have to go,” Castiel stuttered looking at Dean sternly.</p><p>“What?! Buddy, you are my designated driver,” Dean pleaded, frowning. He was confused as to why Castiel was acting this way.</p><p>“Sam can drive you,” Castiel responded, looking at Sam. "Besides, I have already called my driver to come pick me up."</p><p>“I have a date with Sarah just about now,” Sam said, looking at his watch. “<em>Crap!</em> I’m gonna be late. See you later guys.” They all watched as Sam ran towards the exit, almost tripping on his feet.</p><p>“He’s so whipped,” Dean laughed as his brother bumped into a petite woman who glared at him, and Sam apologized profusely then hurriedly disappeared behind the small exit gate.</p><p>“Don’t look at me, I plan to drink myself silly tonight,” Charlie said defensively looking at Castiel curiously.</p><p>“Me too,” Max answered without being prompted.</p><p>“Pretty please, you are my best friend. Don’t do this to me, you know how I feel about drinking around strangers,” Dean begged and gave Castiel the best puppy dog eyes he could muster. "And you can just call your driver and tell him not to come. I'm sure he'd appreciate that being that it's Saturday."</p><p>“Fine, as long as that does not count as the only time I drive <em>baby</em>,” Castiel countered, eyeing Dean.</p><p>“Okay, You’ve got yourself a deal!” Dean exclaimed as he shook Castiel’s hand in a gentleman’s handshake with a twinkle in his eye. Castiel had seen that twinkle in Dean before, ten years ago. It meant that Dean was up for an adventure, and Castiel wasn’t too excited about that. “Let’s vamoose.”</p><p>They all left the grounds and settled inside <em>baby</em> with Castiel riding shotgun and Dean behind the wheel. It was going to be an interesting night.</p><p> </p><p>Max took them to a bar in New Jersey. They got there a little after four in the afternoon. The bar was not crowded, but there were a lot of people sitting outside being that it was a hot Saturday summer afternoon. They opted to sit inside where there were less people, taking a booth nearest to the bar. A bartender in short shorts, a white t-shirt and an infectious smile came to ask for their orders.</p><p>“I’ll have two beers, on tap,” Dean said, shrugging off his jacket. It was hot even with the AC and fans in the expansive room.</p><p>“And you handsome?” She smiled at Castiel who tilted his head in confusion. <em>Was she flirting with him?</em> It had been a while since he had been with a woman. Dean let out a hearty laugh and touched Castiel’s arm.</p><p>“My devastatingly handsome friend here will have your top-shelf whisky, neat,” Dean ordered for him, and Castiel rolled his eyes, but there was an electric impulse passing his arm from where Dean was touching it and it went straight to his brain. He felt goosebumps forming on his hand so he withdrew it from Dean’s touch abruptly. Dean frowned.</p><p>The bartender looked at them curiously and smirked.</p><p>“Your boyfriend is kind of adorable,” she quipped as she wrote down their orders, looking at Castiel.</p><p>“He’s not my-,” Castiel huffed without finishing the sentence. Dean was looking anywhere but at Castiel pretending to be scrolling his phone. There was a palpable tension in the air until Charlie cleared her throat.</p><p>“Hello, I will have two beers please,” Charlie chirped, nudging Dean on the arm and mouthed. “Your boyfriend’s hot.” She winked at him, but Dean rolled his eyes and glanced at Castiel who was frowning at the bartender, his mouth slightly open like he wanted to say something but was trying hard to hold his tongue.</p><p>“I will also have two beers,” Max gave the bartender a dashing smile. “Actually, bring two pitchers of your draft beer and fries, let’s have a party!”</p><p>“Yes to that!” Charlie chimed in, and the two started drumming the table and dancing to the rhythm until Dean asked them to stop. Castiel looked uneasy.</p><p>“You okay, buddy?” Dean inquired, his eyes boring into Castiel’s orbs.</p><p>“Never been better, Dean,” he muttered and looked at a woman riding a mechanical bull. Dean sighed and started chatting with Charlie and Max.</p><p>By six o’clock, Dean, Charlie, and Max had drunk three pitchers of beer and three shots of tequila each. Castiel had had two glasses of whisky and had been nursing a beer for a while now. If he were not the designated driver tonight, he would’ve left or drowned himself in a bottle of whisky because Dean was out of control. If he wasn’t leaning into Max’s lingering touches or laughing a bit too loudly at his jokes, he was flirting with various women at the bar. Castiel had had enough, he needed to leave, but he couldn’t leave his idiot of a best friend here, alone.</p><p>Charlie had left with her girlfriend Gilda, a tall beautiful brunette, who had come for her. Max and Dean knew Gilda so they knew that Charlie was safe with her. After Charlie left, Dean had ordered another pitcher of beer that he shared with Max, who had remained behind, shamelessly flirting with a very drunk Dean.</p><p>At some point, the pair had danced rather provocatively together, bodies grinding oh so close, but Dean managed to avoid contact when Max tried to grab his waist and grind into his ass. On seeing the almost pornographic scene in front of him, Castiel walked out of the bar for fresh air, his fists clenched so tightly that he almost tore the skin off his palms. He couldn’t do this anymore. He had behaved himself the whole day, watched Dean flirt with Max, innocent or not, they were flirting, and now this? He needed a smoke, but he didn’t have any cigarettes since he quit years ago while in college. He contemplated calling a cab for Dean, but he couldn’t let his friend down like that. He had trusted him to drive him home, so he stood at the entrance of the bar and took deep breaths to calm himself down.</p><p>“Hey, Cas?” Dean slurred leaning heavily on Castiel’s body. Castiel held him so they wouldn’t fall. “Let’s go home. Don’t feel too well.”</p><p>“Okay, Dean. But first, you need to eat and drink some water to sober up a bit. I can’t drive us home with you like this,” Castiel said, holding Dean close to his chest. Dean grunted and slipped his hand around Castiel's waist.</p><p>They walked to a burger joint which was adjacent to the bar, and Castiel ordered two cheeseburgers for Dean and a side of fries with four water bottles. He knew they would need them for the journey back. He ordered a veggie burger for himself, and they sat outside and ate quietly. Dean kept dozing off, but Castiel coaxed him to finish his burger, which he did with a fuss and managed to eat half of the fries. He also managed to drink two bottles of water. After the meal, Dean ran to the back of the building and vomited his guts out. Castiel rubbed soothing circles on his back while whispering, “Let it out, Dean. Let it all out.”</p><p>Afterwards, Castiel ordered two more bottles of water and asked the remaining food to be wrapped up as take-out. He was feeling petty and angry tonight, so he didn’t bother notifying Max that they had left, and they walked to the car with a now much steadier Dean. He made sure that Dean was properly settled, got in <em>baby's</em> the driver’s seat, and took the I-95 back to New York, the roar of the engine thrumming powerfully on the road.</p><p>Castiel made sure to drive at a relatively medium speed because he wanted to savor the feeling of driving the Impala for the first time with Dean leaning his head on his shoulder, fast asleep. There was a bit of traffic since it was a Saturday evening so the journey took almost three hours from New Jersey to Brooklyn instead of two hours. By the time they got home, Dean had sobered up a bit. He had eaten his remaining cheeseburger and fries and drank two more bottles of water.</p><p>“Home sweet home,” Dean groaned as he opened the door to his apartment. “ I need a shower.”</p><p>“Are you okay, Dean?” Castiel asked, standing at the doorway handing <em>baby’s</em> keys to Dean.</p><p>“Yeah,” Dean smiled at him. “Thank you for taking care of me.”</p><p>“Of course, Dean. So I...uh have to go, I’ll see you around,” Castiel huffed turning around to leave. Dean was confused.</p><p>“See me around? What about Sunday dinner, tomorrow?” Dean faltered. “Why don’t you come in, relax a bit, it’s still early and Sam is not back yet. We can watch a movie or something..”</p><p>“Dean, I can’t,” Castiel shook his head as Dean pulled him into the house and they ended up with their chests flush.</p><p>“Please, Cas, don’t go,” Dean pleaded, his breath smelled of beer and burgers. Castiel realized that he did not mind it one bit as Dean’s warm breath caressed his cheek. Their eyes met and he could see the desperation in Dean’s eyes as they searched his.</p><p>“Dean, you need to rest. It’s been a long day,” Castiel tried again.</p><p>“The only thing I need is you, Cas,” Dean whispered, staring at Castiel’s pink full lips. Castiel felt the heat in the room rising. He rubbed the back of his neck and licked his now very dry lips. He wanted to say something but his throat was dry.</p><p>Castiel’s heart thudded in his chest and he was almost sure Dean could hear it. He tried to back away but Dean pulled him close gently and sealed their lips together. Castiel was shocked at the least because he did not see that coming, and Dean was not in the right mind to be kissing him, but damn! It felt good to have those pouty lips on his again after all these years. He stood there rooted to the ground, his eyes wide open in shock as Dean ran his warm moist tongue along his lips willing them to open, to give him access. Then, Castiel’s will to fight and common sense came back to him and he pushed him away.</p><p>“What the <em>fuck</em>, Dean?” Castiel cried, touching his bottom lip. “Why the <em>fuck</em> did you do that?”</p><p>“I-I...I don’t know. I just did. <em>Shit. Shit!</em> I’m sorry, Cas. I’ve wanted to do that since I saw you at that country club. I don’t know why. I’m so sorry,” Dean rambled as he stumbled away from Castiel who then followed him to the middle of the living room away from the door.</p><p>“Really? Is that why you spent the whole day flirting with Max and grinding on his dick? Flirting with every woman in that bar as well?” Castiel snapped. Dean gasped in shock and a hurt look crossed his face.</p><p>“I wasn’t flirting with Max! We are just co-workers, that's just how he is with everyone!”</p><p>“Oh, really? Because I didn’t see him doing that with Charlie!”</p><p>“I don’t know why, maybe it’s because he’s gay and she’s a lesbian and there is no thrill in it!”</p><p>“Oh, so it’s about the thrill then, huh? Have you kissed him too? For the thrill I mean? Did you kiss me for the thrill too?”</p><p><br/>“What? No! Of course not! Why would you ask me that?”</p><p><br/>“Really? Is it why you two were almost fucking on the dance floor?”</p><p><br/>“Cas! Wha..what? Why are you saying this? I’m not even-.”</p><p><br/>“Admit it! It’s him you want. Not me. I saw the way you were looking at him, in front of me. So don’t stand there and pretend that it’s not true!”</p><p><br/>“It’s you. It’s always been you, Cas,” he swallowed hard and looked away for a moment then back at Castiel who was looking at him dumbfounded. “You are the only guy I want…the only guy I ever wanted. Only you.”</p><p><br/>“So why didn’t you do something about it then? All this time?”</p><p><br/>“Because….I can’t, I couldn’t. I’m not… I’m not gay, Cas”</p><p><br/>Castiel laughed sarcastically and paced the room. Dean was joking, right? He wasn’t gay? Really? That was his excuse? It was the breakup letter scenario all over again.</p><p><br/>“Really Dean? So all those years ago when you made me fall in love with you because of how amazing you are, it was because you were not ‘gay’?” he barked adding air quotes to the word gay, his nostrils flaring. “What’s with the labels?”</p><p><br/>“Cas, I…I loved you then…I probably still do…I don’t know. We are best friends now and I don’t want to mess it up. I just can’t…it’s complicated….Besides, you are with Mick, and I…,” Dean huffed and looked at Castiel who was looking intently at him, his blue eyes wounded.</p><p><br/>“You know that it’s not like that between Mick and me. I’ve told you this. I can’t be with him like that because of you, Dean. You ruined me for everyone else…You’ve led me on and then crushed me, yet again… I am a <em>damn</em> fool,” Castiel laughed sarcastically again but this time at himself rather than at the situation and shook his head.</p><p><br/>“Cas, I want you. I need you. I’m just…” Dean tried but Castiel didn’t let him finish.</p><p><br/>“ Let me guess, you’re just not <em>gay</em>? Yeah, you already said that. You just like toying with me because even after eleven years I am still miserably in love with you it’s ridiculous. Are you having fun yet, Dean?”</p><p><br/>“Cas- No. Why would I be having fun?”</p><p><br/>“Then what I’m I supposed to think when one minute you are kissing me and the next you are telling me you are not gay. What the <em>fuck</em>, man?” Castiel asked as he walked towards the door. Dean watched him as an empty feeling enveloped his insides.</p><p><br/>“Where are you going?” Dean choked out, his eyes brimming with tears, a lump forming in his throat.</p><p><br/>“Home,” Castiel replied plainly as he stopped to look back at Dean who was standing there looking so beautiful yet so sad.</p><p><br/>“Cas, please, don’t go. Not like this,” Dean pleaded, a tear falling from his right eye, his right hand outstretched reaching for Castiel but not quite catching him. He dropped his hand and clenched it in defeat.</p><p><br/>“What should I do, Dean? Stand here and listen to you tell me that you probably love me, but then you don’t love me? Stand here and let you kiss me, and then tell me you are not gay? Sit at the bar and watch you flirt with Max? Watch him touch you? Watch you flirt with all those women? I can’t do that. No…I <em>just</em> can’t, Dean,” Castiel shook his head stopping in his tracks when he realized that as he was talking, he had been walking towards Dean.</p><p><br/>“Cas, please. I…don’t go, please. I wish I could explain…but I can’t,” Dean pleaded, his voice small, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.</p><p><br/>“I’m sorry Dean, this friendship has turned out to be a lot of work. My life's complicated enough as it is without all this,” he said coldly, motioning with both his hands at Dean’s frame. “I don’t deserve this, Dean.”</p><p><br/>“I know Cas. I’m sorry,” he pleaded with tears falling from his eyes as he walked towards Castiel, trying to touch him, but the look on Castiel’s eyes was enough to make him back away.</p><p><br/>“That word feels like an insult coming from you. You have said it way too many times this past year that it loses its meaning every damn time you say it,” Castiel hissed as he met Dean’s hazel eyes, a sorrowful depth about them. “Goodbye, Dean.”</p><p><br/>“Cas-," Dean tried but it was too late because Castiel turned and briskly walked to the door and out of Dean’s apartment closing the door behind him.</p><p><br/>Seeing the door shut in his face did something to Dean, it was like the light that had sparked in the past year since his and Castiel’s friendship took form was snuffed out. He slumped on the floor with his back to the wall, his knees drawn to his chest with his face in his hands, and sobbed.</p><p><br/>As Castiel left Dean’s apartment, he realized that he was done playing the cat and mouse game that they had been playing for over a year. It was time he made a conscious life decision.</p><p><br/><em><strong>Coming over. We need to talk</strong></em>, he sent the text to Mick.</p><p><br/><em><strong>Alright. I’ll be in the study</strong></em>, Mick’s reply came in immediately as if he had been waiting by the phone.</p><p><br/>➽➽➽</p><p>When Castiel got to Mick’s condo, he used the key Mick had given him and walked into the luxurious apartment and into Mick’s study. He found him sprawled on the leather couch wearing a pair of blue silk pajamas reading a paper while others were strewn all over the couch. Castiel walked towards him like a cat hunting its prey, removed the paper from his hands, and lay on top of him. Mick looked up at him and his soft grey eyes brightened up as they met Castiel’s big blue orbs. Castiel smiled at him then kissed him like his life depended on it. Mick was hesitant to return the kiss at first, but when his questioning grey eyes met eager blue ones again, he kissed Castiel back with fervor.</p><p><br/>“Be my boyfriend,” Castiel blurted out when they both came up for air. Their faces so close they inhaled each other’s breath.</p><p><br/>“Are you serious?” Mick asked more confused than happy. He had wanted this for years, and finally, Castiel was saying it out of the blue. Mick knew he should be jumping for joy and Castiel had expected him to be, but this didn't feel right.</p><p><br/>“Would I be asking you if I wasn’t?” Castiel looked at him quizzically as he rose up to sit on his heels. He had expected Mick to jump with joy and say, <em>“Yes! Of course, I will be your boyfriend.”</em> This, he had not expected.</p><p><br/>“Why now?” Mick asked sitting up, and Castiel, who was kneeling next to his small frame, stood up and sat beside him.</p><p><br/>“Because I realized you love me. You are the one who has always loved me,” Castiel confessed in a shaky voice playing with Mick’s fingers and their eyes met briefly, but Mick was stoic. Castiel looked at their intertwined fingers.</p><p><br/>“But do <em>you</em> love me?” Mick asked, his voice small with a tinge of sadness in it. Castiel could feel his eyes boring into his five o’clock shadow. He didn’t dare to look up at him.</p><p><br/>“Of course I love you,” Castiel retorted in a harsher tone than he had intended, and he looked up to meet Mick’s eyes that looked as if they were challenging him to lie. Things just weren’t working for him tonight were they? “Why would you ask me that?”</p><p><br/>“Babe, of course, I know you love me, as a friend,” Mick looked at him but Castiel looked away this time clenching his jaw. “But I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that you love me enough to want to actually be with me.” Mick lifted his hand and touched Castiel’s chin turning his face so Castiel would look at him. Castiel barely met his eyes, swallowing hard.</p><p><br/>“Mick, I-,” Castiel started, looked at Mick again, swallowed hard then looked away and detangled their intertwined fingers.</p><p><br/>“This is about Dean isn’t it?” Mick asked in a small voice still studying Castiel’s face.</p><p><br/>“What?” Castiel was shocked, to say the least. He knew Mick was smart, but he didn’t think he knew about Dean or his feelings for him for that matter. He had mentioned him a few times in passing many years ago, but that was just about it. <em>So, how did Mick know about Dean?</em></p><p><br/>“Babe, I’m not stupid,” Mick laughed rather sarcastically.</p><p><br/>“Of course you are not. You are a brilliant lawyer. I know that. We both know you’re not stupid. I would never insult you like that,” Castiel stuttered through his explanation, his eyes meeting Mick’s which had now turned greyer with a sort of coldness about them.</p><p><br/>“But you just did!” He huffed and stood up gathering the papers strewn all over placing them on the office desk.</p><p><br/>“You know I want this more than anything, but I have heard through the grapevine that you and this pretty boy,” he took out his phone and showed it to Castiel, “have been gallivanting around town being all lovey-dovey.”</p><p><br/>There was a picture of Castiel and Dean at an art gallery gazing at each other longingly from a tabloid post with too many ads with the caption<em> ‘Who is the pretty guy on billionaire’s son’s arm? Do we smell a new romance? Vote below to let us know what you think.’</em> Castiel grabbed Mick’s phone and scrolled down but Mick grabbed it back. “You two look rather cozy.” Mick huffed and threw his phone on the couch. “I wasn’t going to mention this, but it has hurt me so much this past year that all you think about is him, even when you are inside me, I can tell that you wish it was him you were fucking.”</p><p><br/>“Mick, what the <em>fuck</em> are you saying? That’s not true.” Castiel tried to defend himself but his efforts were futile.</p><p><br/>“Don’t play coy now love. You think I haven’t heard you moaning his name when you lie next to me. I am tired of pretending that I am okay with it, because I know I deserve better than to be disrespected like this. So forgive me for not being too enthusiastic about you asking to make things <em>official</em>."</p><p><br/>“Mick, it’s not like that. We are just friends.” Castiel tried to placate him but they both knew he was lying.</p><p><br/>“Then look me in the eye and tell me that you just didn’t come from his house or wherever you two were and had a fight.” Castiel looked at Mick then looked away. He started rubbing the back of his neck then looked up at Mick who was towering over him from where he stood, his hands akimbo and a hurt look on his face. This night was getting shittier by the second. He had not only hurt Mick but also messed up a good thing they had going. <em>Fuck this shit.</em></p><p><br/>“I’m sorry. You are right. I shouldn’t have done that,” Castiel apologized remorsefully. Maybe Mick saw the sincerity and pain in his eyes because his features softened, and he let his hands hang loosely and sighed.</p><p><br/>“No you shouldn’t have,” Mick said, sitting back down next to Castiel. This time, Castiel looked up at him, then at his luscious lips, and went in for a kiss. Mick kissed him back, and Castiel ran his hands under Mick’s shirt. It was usually this way with them, they would have a fight, make up, then have mind-blowing sex, until next time. It was a dysfunctional relationship, but it worked, at least it had worked for three years. But this time, Mick pulled away and then stilled Castiel’s hand.</p><p><br/>“I’m sorry, babe, but that was a goodbye kiss. We can’t do this anymore,” he sniffled and moved away from Castiel to sit on the farthest corner of the sofa away from him. Castiel was baffled and his mouth hung open. He was hurt, he cared about Mick and liked what they had going.</p><p><br/>After a few seconds, which had seemed like hours, that Castiel took to process what Mick had just said to him, he stood up from the couch. Mick stood up with him.</p><p><br/>“I’m sorry,” Mick apologized, looking at his friend, his eyes sad and red-rimmed.</p><p><br/>“I’ve heard that word a lot tonight. I don’t even know what it means anymore,” Castiel whispered as he kissed Mick on the forehead, placed the key he had given him on the desk, and left his condo. He was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad night, and he didn’t know what to do to keep himself from spiraling.</p><p> </p><p>➽➽➽</p><p>The front door closing softly is what startled Dean from where he was still slumped on the floor, his heaving back pressed against the wall, his legs spread out before him.</p><p><br/>“Dean? Oh my god, are you okay?” Sam’s soothing voice asked as he knelt on the floor near Dean. He could see that Dean had been crying, his eyes were swollen and he smelled like beer and cheese.</p><p><br/>“Hiya Sammy, I uh…what time is it?” Dean chuckled, trying to hide a sniffle. He turned to look at Sam who had a worried look on his face.</p><p><br/>“What happened? Are you hurt? Are you okay?” Sam enquired further as he checked for any injuries on Dean.</p><p><br/>“Stop it,” Dean said softly pushing his brother’s hands away from where he was holding his arm. “I’m fine.”</p><p><br/>“No, Dean. You’re not-,” he said, dropping his massive hands on his lap where he was sitting on his heels. “The last time I saw you like this was when…”</p><p><br/>“Don’t even start. It’s not like that, Sammy. I swear.”</p><p><br/>“Then what is it? And don’t tell me it’s nothing because we both agreed no more secrets between us after that night.”</p><p><br/>“Can I at least get up from this floor first?” Dean quipped.</p><p><br/>“Yeah, sure,” Sam said standing up then helping his brother up from the floor.</p><p><br/>“Ow ow ow,” Dean whined, holding his ass and then his leg.</p><p><br/>“Old age catching up?”</p><p><br/>“Shut up, I’m only thirty-one and you are four years younger than me.” Sam stopped teasing him and watched his brother limp his way to the couch to sit down. Sam went to the kitchen and made them a cup of coffee each. When he came back, Dean was staring blankly at the TV as he picked at the cuticles on his thumb- a nervous tick.</p><p><br/>“Thanks,” Dean said softly as Sam handed him a steaming cup of coffee. In this situation, Sam would've preferred tea, but Dean always said it was for the English and hippies, so coffee was always his go-to drink when beer was not an option, and at this particular time, beer wasn’t an option. To placate his brother, since he was in a fragile state, he decided to just indulge in Dean's intricacies and drink coffee.</p><p><br/>“So, did something happen after I left?” Sam enquired sitting on the couch sipping his coffee watching Dean curiously from the rim of the cup. One of his legs was hoisted up so he was sitting on it too while the other one was on the floor.</p><p><br/>“No. Not really,” Dean responded plainly.</p><p><br/>“Dean-,” Sam started but Dean stopped him.</p><p><br/>“I know Sam, we’ve only got each other and we agreed I would always talk to you, that we would always talk to each other after everything that happened. But this, this? I just don't know how to talk to you about it.”</p><p><br/>“Look, Dean. I am in no way pushing you to talk about it, but I think it is better if you did. I don’t want what happened last time to ever happen again. Don’t know what I’d do if you-,” Sam’s voice broke and he sipped coffee so as not to cry.</p><p><br/>Dean turned to look at his brother’s worried but eager hazel eyes. He sighed and chuckled as Sam bounced a little on the sofa to get more comfortable and tucked his long hair - that Dean wished he had the courage to cut while Sam slept- behind his ear.</p><p><br/>“It’s uh-” Dean cleared his throat and then sipped his coffee, his brother’s eyes never leaving his face. “It’s Cas.”</p><p><br/>"What? I don’t understand. Did he hurt you? Because I swear to God he’s my friend, but I will kick his smug billionaire ass if he did something to you,” Sam assured him. Dean had to slap his arm to bring him back to earth.</p><p><br/>“No. It’s nothing like that. I think…I think I might’ve hurt him,” Dean sniffled, tears threatening to topple over from his eyes.</p><p><br/>“I don’t understand,” Sam frowned, confused. Dean looked at his brother and then placed his coffee on the coffee table that was in front of the sofa. A tear fell from his right eye when he remembered what had transpired between himself and Castiel. He quickly wiped the tear away and avoided Sam's gaze. When he finally looked at his brother, he had a small smile that didn't reach his eyes. Sam could’ve teased him about his <em>single man-tear</em> but now wasn’t the time.</p><p><br/>“I’m in love with him,” Dean blurted out, and he surprised himself because as much as he had always known that he was in love with Castiel, he had never admitted it out loud.</p><p><br/>“So why were you on the floor sobbing? Isn’t that a good thing?” Sam frowned as he sipped his coffee.</p><p><br/>“I just…wait what?” Dean had expected Sam to be shocked at his revelation but Sam seemed unbothered by it. In fact, he was actually curious as to why Dean looked like someone had run over his pet.</p><p><br/>“It is glaringly obvious. I thought you two were dating, but I didn’t want to intrude. I was waiting for both of you to tell me- when you were ready of course.”</p><p><br/>“What do you mean you thought we were dating?” Dean’s eyes almost popped out of his sockets at Sam’s revelation. “Why would you think that?”</p><p><br/>“Dean, seriously? Where do I start? The bickering like a married couple. The eye fucking-“</p><p><br/>“The eye what now?”</p><p><br/>“Eye fucking? You know the way you look at each other like you want to tear each other’s clothes off?”</p><p><br/>“What?”</p><p><br/>“Dean, I can explain the rest later if you want to know, but what happened? Did you guys break up?”</p><p><br/>“No, Sam. We weren’t dating, and I don’t think we are even going to be friends anymore." Dean bit his lip nervously as if contemplating whether to lay it all out or keep it in, but a deal was a deal so he just had to tell his brother the truth. "I uh…I kissed him and he left.” Dean bit his lip again and fumbled with his shirt avoiding Sam's eyes. He could feel Sam’s gaze on him and he couldn’t take it anymore so he stood up and started to pace the room. Sam followed him with his eyes from where he sat sipping his coffee.</p><p><br/>“Dean, not to take sides here but I don’t think Cas would just leave you after you kissed him. So what really happened?” Dean turned to glare at Sam, but Sam just stared back at him, unrelenting. “The truth this time please because if you don’t tell me the truth I will call him and ask him what <em>you</em> did.”</p><p><br/>“I kissed him and then told him I wasn’t gay and he just left, said he was done,” Dean blurted out but he said the last part so softly he thought Sam didn’t hear him. Sam did not say anything for a while and Dean was worried. His brother kept sipping his coffee and looked anywhere but at Dean. “So are you also not going to talk to me, anymore? Great.”<br/>“I just don’t know what to say, Dean. I mean I <em>do</em> understand why Cas walked away. I would too.”</p><p><br/>“Wha…what?” Dean asked, bewildered, gawking at Sam. Sam shrugged his shoulders. “I am not gay, Sam. And, last time I checked, it was not a crime to state facts.”</p><p><br/>“You don’t get it, do you?” Sam asked, shaking his head, for such a smart guy, his brother was an idiot.</p><p><br/>“Get what?” Dean asked languidly, he needed sleep.</p><p><br/>“Okay. Remember Rhonda Hurley?” Dean nodded remembering the beautiful cheerleader who was his first crush in high school. “So, just imagine she kissed you and then told you that she wasn’t into guys.”</p><p><br/>Dean pondered for a short while, and then it was like a light bulb went off his head. “<em>Sonofabitch!</em> I’m so stupid.”</p><p><br/>“Yes, you are,” Sam quipped and Dean glared at him.</p><p><br/>“What do I do? What should I do?” Dean was spiraling.</p><p><br/>“The question is, why did you kiss him then say what you said to him?” Sam put it all out there, holding his coffee mug with both of his hands as if trying to warm them. Dean was pacing the floor gesturing like a mad man as he spoke.</p><p><br/>“I don’t know man, I just- and the words, they just came out. I tried to fix things, but it was too late and he had left. It was all happening too fast, and I couldn’t stop it,” he sniffled looking away from Sam as if he was ashamed that he was a damn fool.</p><p><br/>“The other question is, what do you want?”</p><p><br/>This time, Dean did not ponder or hesitate, he answered honestly. “I want him in my life, Sammy. I can’t live without him,” Dean blurted out, walking back to the couch and sitting down. He thought he might faint because the thought of not having Castiel in his life was breaking him.</p><p><br/>“Then why are you telling me? Go tell him.”</p><p><br/>Dean stood up excited and then sat back down sad.</p><p><br/>“What if he rejects me? Besides, it’s like 1 in the morning.”</p><p><br/>“Then at least you will know. Isn’t it better to tell him and know than live like this knowing you lost your best friend because you were a coward?”</p><p><br/>“I am not a coward! Take that back.”</p><p><br/>“Prove it.”</p><p><br/>“C’mon Sammy. I’m scared. I mean what am I doing?”</p><p><br/>“Look, I may not know much but I know this, it is better to live with a definitive answer than live with regret for the rest of your life. You have wasted over a decade of your life, pining for him, convincing yourself that you are not something that you actually are. Don’t you think it’s time you took charge of your life? Don’t be miserable for one more minute, life is short, Dean.”</p><p><br/>Dean loved a challenge and he did not care that it was 1 in the morning. He was going to take a cab to the Upper West Side and get his best friend back because he was not a coward. He grabbed his jacket and his phone and headed for the door.</p><p><br/>"Not gay, my ass," Sam muttered under his breath.</p><p><br/>"I heard that. Am I gay, though? I mean I've been with women too. I don't know, what do I do?" Dean was spiraling walking from the door and back to the couch. He slumped on it and put his hands on his face, huffing and puffing.</p><p><br/>"Just breathe, Dean,” Sam tried to placate him with a hand on his shoulder, and then in a soft voice he asked, “Do you think it matters who you love?"</p><p><br/>"Dad said-" Dean tried to say but Sam stopped him.</p><p><br/>“Do you see dad in this room?"</p><p><br/>"No."</p><p><br/>"So? Does it matter who you love? Does it <em>really</em> matter? Because I’ll tell you what. No matter who you love, no matter what you are, I will always love you until the day I die. Honestly, I think even in death I will love you. I’ll probably haunt your ass." Sam tried to make a joke but it fell flat because he didn’t even register what Sam had said.</p><p><br/>"All I know is that I love Cas, and I want to be with him more than anything,” Dean said, more self-assured than Sam had ever heard him before.</p><p><br/>"There you have it then. Just, love him and let him love you."</p><p><br/>"But what if he sends me away?"</p><p><br/>"We've talked about this. The worst that can happen is that he will say no. But the Cas I know loves you more than anything if the looks he gives you and the way he talks about you are anything to go by."</p><p><br/>"Okay, shut it, Romeo. I uh...do you think he still feels the same way?"</p><p><br/>"I'm sure he does."</p><p><br/>Dean seemed to ponder for a while, biting his bottom lip nervously then scratching his head. Then something seemed to click into place.</p><p><br/>"Thanks, Sam. I mean it," Dean said sincerely, enveloping Sam in a bear hug. Sam smiled at him once they let go of each other.</p><p><br/>He stood up from the couch and walked out of the door. He faltered a little in self-doubt but seeing Sam’s challenging look gave him the courage to soldier on. He didn’t know what he was going to say to Castiel. He had told himself so many times that he was <em>not</em> gay, but did it really matter? He was his own man, and all that mattered at this moment was that he loved Castiel. The question was, was Castiel's love for him enough to forgive him for being an idiot? He hoped to God that he would understand, and they would work things out.</p><p><br/>“Go get him tiger,” Sam smiled at himself as he watched the door close behind Dean’s retreating back.</p><p>➽➽➽</p><p>The journey to Castiel’s condo was shorter than Dean remembered. He was sweating through his shirt and he knew he needed a shower. He had contemplated telling the cab driver to turn around and take him back to Brooklyn, but Sam’s voice was still in the back of his head. <em>What are you afraid of?</em> Honestly, he was afraid of rejection by Castiel, but most of all he was afraid of being a coward for the rest of his life, to remain loveless because he loved a man. His father be damned! If it meant the whole world would be against him for loving Castiel then so be it.</p><p><br/>“Thanks,” he muttered to the cab driver as he paid his fees and stood outside Castiel’s apartment building. It was now or never.</p><p><br/>The door man nodded at him and didn’t even bat an eye at how late in the night it was. It was almost 2 AM as he let Dean into the building with a smile. DeanF took the elevator to the 5th floor and he got there faster than it had seemed all the other times he had visited.</p><p><br/>He was shaking and breathing heavily by the time he got to the door, but he gathered all the</p><p>courage he had and knocked on the door. No one opened, so he tried again and was about to leave when he realized he thought that he heard light footsteps inside. He waited for the door to open, but it never did. He knew Castiel was on the other side, and he needed to confess his feelings tonight. It was better this way, with the door between them and without Castiel’s blue orbs staring into his soul.</p><p><br/>So Dean let out a sigh to ground himself, leaned against the door, and poured his heart out.</p><p><br/>“Cas, I don’t know if you are on the other side of this door, or if you can hear me. Maybe I am just talking to myself, but I just need to say something.” Dean huffed and leaned his head on the door and placed his hand on it. “Cas...I...I need you. I need you in my life. I know that now, thanks to Sam for knocking sense into me. I know I hurt you more than anyone ever has-I broke your heart and now I may be asking for too much. I need you but I don’t know how to be the perfect man for you because I never was even if you saw me that way. And now, I am at your door at 2 in the morning asking you to forgive me. I am asking you to give me one more chance to prove that I am worthy of you.” Dean huffed again and realized that he had said so much without saying anything at all. He bit his lip nervously when he heard more shuffling behind the door. Castiel was home and now was his chance to say it all before it was too late.</p><p><br/>“I am so sorry, Cas. I-I need you to show me how to be the man you need me to be even if it’s only as a friend because I don’t want to live in this world without you, Cas. I love you. I love you so much that I can’t breathe when you are away from me. Please forgive me,” Dean sniffled. Somehow he had started crying without knowing it, but he was not ashamed. He had poured his heart out, and it may be embarrassing, but he had finally spoken his truth, he felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders although his heart was still heavy with worry.</p><p><br/>He had hoped that once he had finished his rambling that the front door would open, and Castiel would come storming out and kiss him like his life depended on it. However, that did not happen. He was disappointed to note that this was not a romcom and Castiel was not there. He had been talking to himself all along. Thank god that these condos were designed in such a way that only two people shared one floor and they were separated by a large stairwell, so no one heard him. He collected himself, cleared his throat which was starting to close up as a fresh batch of tears was forming in his eyes.</p><p><br/>“Okay, I…I’m going to go now,” he whispered, looking at the large oak door in front of him one more time.</p><p><br/>It was clear that Castiel didn't want him, and being that he had already made a fool of himself by coming here and confessing his feelings to him. So, he wasn't going to stand there like a fool at his door begging anymore, so he left.</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TRIGGER WARNING:</p><p>Please note that this chapter Is quite dark and might be triggering. Please see the major trigger warnings below:<br/>▪RAPE/NON-CON<br/>▪SELF HARM<br/>▪NON-CONSENSUAL DRUG USE<br/>▪ALCOHOLISM<br/>▪PHYSICAL ABUSE<br/>▪HOMOPHOBIA</p><p>Enjoy 💚💙</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <br/>
  <em> <strong>“The sad truth is that the truth is sad.”- Lemony Snicket</strong> </em>
</p><p><br/>“Dean?” Castiel’s gruff voice came from behind him. “Wait.”</p><p><br/>Dean turned to look at Castiel. He was wearing a blue silk pajama set and was barefoot too. His hair was messy, sticking out in every direction as he rubbed his eyes. He looked so sexy, and all Dean wanted to do was run towards him and kiss him until they both couldn’t breathe, but he didn't. He instead stayed rooted on the spot where he was looking up at Castiel’s big orbs which were staring at him. “Well, come in since you woke me up.”</p><p><br/>“Are you sure?” Dean asked sheepishly, meeting Castiel’s eyes from where he was peeking through the door.</p><p><br/>“You think I would ask you to if I didn’t want you to? Castiel countered, shaking his head.</p><p><br/>“I don’t know,” Dean whispered when he got near Castiel at the doorway.</p><p><br/>“Shut up and get in here before I change my mind,” Castiel quipped as he let Dean inside.</p><p><br/>Once inside the house, Dean stood rooted at the door and Castiel watched him curious.</p><p>“So you were just going to confess your feelings for me and then just leave?” Castiel asked, looking puzzled. He was wearing a robe that matched his silk pajamas and tied it loosely around his waist.</p><p><br/>“Are those tiny bees on your pajamas?” Dean chuckled as he looked at the little yellow pattern as Castiel walked past him to sit on the sofa next to him.</p><p><br/>“Dean,” Castiel responded as he sat down and looked at Dean. Their eyes met, but Dean couldn’t keep Castiel’s eye contact so he looked away.</p><p><br/>“I thought you weren’t home,” Dean muttered as he removed his jacket. The room was getting too hot, and he felt like he was suffocating. <em>Why did he come here? Was he still drunk? Damn Sam for not stopping him.</em></p><p><br/>"Well, unfortunately for you, I was, and I heard everything," Castiel said plainly. Dean gulped. <em>Jesus fucking Christ what the fuck was he doing? Was he crazy?</em></p><p><br/>"Yeah, I...I can see that," he chuckled, trying to be funny, but his joke landed flat with Castiel looking at him in that way he always did when he was serious, a raised eyebrow and intense look in his eyes. "I...uh...I couldn't leave the things the way we left them. You mean too much to me."</p><p><br/>"Dean," Cas started but Dean didn't let him finish what he wanted to say.</p><p><br/>"Cas let me finish….I love you. God, I love you so much. I’ve loved you for over a decade, and there isn’t a single day that passes without me thinking of what we could've been. But I knew after what I did, and what I am, there could never be us,” Dean sighed and looked up at Castiel. He still had that intense look on his face and, again, Dean couldn’t keep eye contact, so he looked at Castiel’s neck and adorable pajamas instead. “But seeing you? After all these years? And having your friendship? It was more than I could have ever dreamed of. But I am selfish and I wanted more...I want more. I want you, Cas."</p><p><br/>Castiel looked at Dean with the same expression, unmoving. Dean looked at him and realized that maybe Castiel didn’t actually want him here, so he stood up to leave.</p><p><br/>"So this is what you are? A coward? Always running away?"Castiel asked as Dean stood up from the couch walking towards the door.</p><p><br/>"Cas, you just sat there looking at me, what am I supposed to do? I know I can't have you and our friendship has also been ruined thanks to me kissing you, so what am I...?"</p><p><br/>"I love you too," Castiel interrupted, looking at Dean the same way as before. "I always have, but I don't think this, <em>us</em>, can work."</p><p><br/>"But why? You said you and Mick are not-" Dean started, sitting down next to Castiel again, looking at him hopefully, willing him to come back to him.</p><p><br/>"Can we leave Mick out of this? He has nothing to do with you and me,” Castiel cut him off. Dean gulped again. He shouldn't have come here. Drowning his sorrows in a bottle of whisky, bacon and a woman with a big bosom would've been good. He made a mental note to never listen to Sam ever again. "I just, I can't do this with you because of what you did to me. I don’t trust you."</p><p><br/>"But you love me," Dean choked out, tears threatening to topple over.</p><p><br/>"More than anything," Castiel said sincerely, Dean could see it in his eyes.</p><p><br/>"I can't lose you, Cas, you are my best friend."</p><p><br/>"You are mine too, Dean. I just…"</p><p><br/>"You can't trust me."</p><p><br/>"I do, with other things at least, just not with my heart."</p><p><br/>Dean wanted to stand up and leave but he remembered what Sam had said. He had one last chance to make things right between him and Castiel.</p><p><br/>"Cas, it's not like I wanted to leave you. I…"</p><p><br/>"Your dad, I know, Dean and I truly understand."</p><p><br/>"No, it wasn't that. I lied- Well, he was part of it, but it wasn't the whole truth. I…" Dean stood up, wanting to run, but Castiel was right there, his physique had perked up with interest, a frown on his face, his eyes squinting, and his head tilted.</p><p><br/>"Dean, what is it? What happened?"</p><p><br/>"Oh, Cas, I can't...I don't know how to."</p><p><br/>"It's okay, Dean. You don't have to tell me anything. Only if you are ready and comfortable."</p><p><br/>"I don't want to leave here with secrets. I want you to understand why I did what I did," Dean sniffled back tears, and Castiel stood up and walked to him and rubbed his back. "I felt unworthy of you. I couldn't…"</p><p><br/>"Unworthy? Dean, I don't understand."</p><p><br/>"Something happened and I wasn't worthy of you anymore."</p><p><br/>"Nothing, and I mean, nothing you could ever do would make me not love you."</p><p><br/>Castiel was standing behind him rubbing his back soothingly. He was mostly confused about what Dean was saying, but he knew that it didn't matter to him what Dean had done, he was worthy of him. Dean turned to look at Castiel with sad green eyes that were welling with tears, Castiel was worried now.</p><p><br/>“I was no longer the curious Dean you fell in love with, I was a shadow of myself. I became the thing I promised never to be. I became just like my dad,” Dean said as he walked back to the sofa and sat down, Castiel followed suit, he did not say anything but he looked up at Dean, even more confused. “It started the week I stopped returning your calls…”</p><p><br/>➽➽➽</p><p><br/>Dean had planned on being with Castiel in any way he could until he was free of his father or when Sam went to college and didn’t need him to watch out for him anymore. However, fate had other plans in store for him because things didn’t work out the way he had planned them.</p><p><br/>Dean, Gordon, and Lee had barely settled into their hotel in Paris when they got a call in their room. Dean picked up.</p><p>“Hello,” he said into the receiver.</p><p>“Hello, this is Charlotte from the front desk. I need to speak with Monsieur Dean Winchester?” A sultry voice from the other end said in a French accent.</p><p>“Speaking,” Dean responded without hesitation knowing or rather hoping that the person on the other end was Castiel.</p><p>“You have an important call, I’ll connect you now,” Charlotte said and then connected him to the caller. He was hoping to hear Castiel’s gravelly voice on the other end. Unfortunately, he didn’t have any such luck, and his heart broke into a thousand pieces when he realized that it was the worst possible person to be calling him.</p><p>“Son, it’s dad. You have to come home, Sammy had an accident, and it’s not looking good,” John’s slurred words came from the other side, and Dean felt his legs melt beneath him. Gordon and Lee were quick on their feet and helped him sit on the bed before he fell.</p><p>“Wh..what?! Dad, what happened? What accident? Is Sammy okay? Dad?” Dean was frantic as his friends watched confused and concerned not being able to follow the conversation because they were only hearing Dean’s side of it, but the things he was saying were unsettling.</p><p>“Just come home son,” John hung up, leaving Dean all alone with his thoughts and a stream of tears cascading down his face.</p><p>“Dad? Dad?” Dean called into the now dead line knowing that John had hung up on him but somehow not processing the information. All he could think about was S<em>ammy had an accident. It’s not looking good. You have to come home</em> on repeat until those words became hollow and didn’t make sense anymore. Lee had tried calling back but the line had been disconnected. Gordon had tried to call Bobby to know exactly what was going on, but he wasn’t picking up his phone either. His answering machine said he had gone out of town, and if anyone needed any assistance with their car to call John Winchester.</p><p>Dean did not know how he left the room or how he ended up at the airport because everything around him was blurry, Castiel long forgotten. He couldn’t think or talk and his entire body was shaking. He somehow felt Gordon and Lee’s hands holding him up, buckling him into the seat on the plane, but everything was a blur after that. The next time he came to, he was at home in his bed.</p><p>“Finally!” Lee exclaimed from where he was seated on the floor next to Dean’s bed. “He’s awake guys.”</p><p>“Where….where’s Sammy? Is he okay? Is Sammy…,” Dean choked out but he did not finish his sentence because a lump had formed in his throat and he was blinded by tears.</p><p>“I’m right here, Dean. I’m okay,” Sam said, coming into the room and hugging Dean who had somehow managed to sit up on the bed. He couldn’t see clearly from the tears in his eyes, but he hugged Sam so tight he thought he might break him.</p><p>“Sammy, you’re okay. Oh God. What happened? Dad said it wasn’t looking good. I mean how are you? Am I hallucinating?” Dean worried as he held Sam’s face in his hands and looked at his fifteen year old brother, who was smiling back at him and looked back at him with sad hazel eyes.</p><p>“No, you are not dreaming Dean. I’m okay. Dad shouldn’t have called you. I just fell and hurt my head, and you know how head wounds are, there was blood everywhere, and I think I fainted,” Sam explained, but when he saw Dean’s face twist in pain he decided to stop. “But as you can see, I am fine now, I just got a mild concussion is all.”</p><p>“Oh God! Come here!” Dean hugged his brother again, never wanting to let him go. Sam showed him the gash that was now bandaged at the back of his head which he seemed actually proud of, saying that at least he would have a scar to show how badass he was.</p><p>“I came to get you so we can have dinner,” Sam said, after telling Dean a few stories about his summer since Dean had been away. Dean smiled through all of it because the only thing that mattered was that Sam was okay, and he wasn’t dying like his father had implied in his cryptic phone call.</p><p>After chatting with Sam, Dean had gotten out of bed and freshened up. He changed out of his travel clothes and wore a pair of jeans and a t-shirt with a flannel shirt on top of it. When he was done, he followed Sam, Gordon, and Lee downstairs where his father and Bobby were seated at the dining table waiting.</p><p>“Dad, uncle Bobby,” Dean greeted as he sat next to Sam at the table. He did not want to leave his side even though he was okay.</p><p>“Welcome back to the land of the living son. We were worried for a sec that you were going to leave us,” John quipped but no one laughed. He grunted and took a swig of his beer. Dean wanted to take that brown bottle and shove it down John’s throat or smash it over his head for lying to him and destroying his trip, but all he could do was feign a smile and pretend he was okay.</p><p>“Thanks dad, I’m fine,” Dean mumbled.</p><p>“Good to see you, Dean,” Bobby greeted and rubbed Dean’s outstretched hand from where he sat across from him at the table. Dean smiled and then ruffled Sam’s hair. He knew better than to question his father on why he did what he did, so he ate in silence with an emptiness in his heart that only Castiel could fill.</p><p>It wasn’t long after that night that Dean sat in the corner of his room and sobbed, his knees drawn up to his chin. So much was going on in his life at the moment, and he couldn’t take anymore pain. He just couldn’t. John had come home the previous night in a drunken stupor and blamed him for Sam’s illness as if somehow he had given Sam an aneurysm that had caused him to faint and hurt himself. Sam was better now, but it wasn’t enough for John. He beat him up because Dean had dared to ask him to bring some groceries home. He never told Castiel about his situation at home. He had withstood fourteen years of John Winchester’s blows. He could hold out for two more years for Sam.</p><p>Dean and Castiel had called each other every day since Dean and his friends had left Jura. When they had got the news that Sam was sick, Castiel had talked to Gordon needing to know how Dean was doing the rest of the journey home. He had wanted to go with them, but Gordon assured him that unless he wanted Dean to end up dead because John would shoot him, he should stay put and promised to update him every chance he got.</p><p>Now that things were settled, they would talk everyday on the phone. Dean usually used Bobby’s phone because he did not want his father finding out about Castiel. There were secrets between them still, things Dean never told Castiel, like how he would take the blows from John almost everyday. How John blamed him for Sam getting hurt and forcing him to pay back the money he had spent paying for help when Dean was out ‘having fun’ as he called it. John had told Dean that he would have to pay him back each and every penny of the wages that he had spent paying someone else to do Dean’s job at the garage. Dean obliged because he knew defiance would mean blows, or, even worse, Sam getting hurt on his behalf. He was a hard worker, so he also knew he could pay his father back and still have some money left to put into his savings.</p><p>Gordon came to help him sometimes when he wasn’t doing research about the hotel industry among other things. He was doing really well and was getting closer to Bela, too. She had promised to come and visit him some time in November and Gordon was ecstatic.</p><p>Lee on the other hand was busy with his music and never spoke much about Claude. She seemed like a distant memory now, a summer fling. He would, however, make snide comments about Castiel which left Dean with a bad taste in his mouth. Gordon often shut him down, but Lee was persistent, so they learned to ignore him.</p><p>It had been a month since Dean and Castiel had seen each other, and they were both starting to get antsy. Castiel was bound to go back to New York in December so he could celebrate Christmas with his father and the rest of the family. Dean was excited because Castiel had promised to find a way to see him in January. Things were looking up for them.</p><p>At the end of September, Lee and his band - <em>Swayze's Way</em>- got news that they were in the top 3 of finalists competing for a record deal in Nashville from a talent search contest they had joined earlier that year. It was a dream come true for him and his bandmates, so they decided to all go celebrate.</p><p>"I'm so proud of you buddy," Dean gushed while sipping his beer.</p><p>"Well, I'll be happier if we win in that final round," Lee said, watching his bandmates set up the stage at <em>Harvelle’s Roadhouse</em> for their performance later.</p><p>"You will, I know it, " Dean tried to encourage him. He knew Lee was an amazing singer and was even a better guitarist. Lee snorted as they continued to sip their beer and talk about everything and anything that came to mind. He later left Dean to join the band for their performance which was amazing as always. Gordon joined Dean during the performance and just sat there in awe of Lee's performance. Lee was an asshole and they mostly didn't get along, but he had great talent, he could admit that</p><p>"So, you and Cas, huh?" Lee blurted out of nowhere. He had just come back from his performance and was riding an adrenaline high.</p><p>Dean felt a cold sweat cascade down his back and the room got extremely cold. He didn't know what to say or do, so he just sat there staring at Lee with a blank look on his face. He wanted to say something, anything but nothing came out.</p><p>"Dude, what the fuck?" Gordon admonished Lee, gawking at him.</p><p>"What? I'm just asking my best friend about his boyfriend. Is it a crime?"</p><p>"He's not…we’re…He's not my boyfriend," Dean stuttered as he regained his composure. Gordon was looking at him with concern in his eyes, but there wasn't much he could do. Punching Lee would've done more harm than good, but it probably would've felt good.</p><p>"I heard you, you know, all those times he came to your room late at night and snuck out in the morning? I also saw you that night we crashed at his place. The way he was going down on you, you know…"</p><p>Gordon had had enough, so he stood up and punched Lee in the face and tugged Dean so they could get up and leave, but Dean remained seated while Lee wiped the blood from his busted lip glaring at Gordon.</p><p>"I can't leave. He knows. He <em>knows</em> and he might tell my dad. I just...I need to find a way to convince him not to."</p><p>"Seriously Dean?"</p><p>"Please G. Think of Sam."</p><p>Gordon huffed and then said, "Fine but don't expect me to sit here with this asshole. I need to go."</p><p>"It's okay G. I'll see you tomorrow," Dean said, hugging him. Lee was glaring at Gordon as he held his jaw where Gordon had punched, licking the blood still seeping from the slit on his lip.</p><p>"Fuck you Gordon, you’re an asshole!" Lee shouted after him.</p><p>"Yeah, it takes one to know one," Gordon replied, giving him the middle finger. All this time, Dean was having an internal crisis. He was sure his heart was going to give out and he was going to die. He was planning a way to run away from home and still make sure Sam was safe, but there was no way out. If Lee knew, it was only a matter of time before John did.</p><p>"I swear to God, the next time I see Gordon I’m going to fucking kill him," Lee snarled. Dean tried to say something, anything, but he couldn't. His body was betraying him in every way possible from the inside, but on the outside he seemed calm. He just sat there staring at Lee stoically.</p><p>"He was just looking out for me," Dean mumbled and Lee snorted.</p><p>"I'm sorry if you feel that I crossed a line. I just don't understand how you would tell Gordon about Cas and not me."</p><p>"I didn't tell him anything because there's nothing to tell."</p><p>"Yeah right. You know I’ve always known you were...you know."</p><p>"I was what?" Dean choked out. He was sure his heart would explode in the next few seconds from the way it was pounding in his chest.</p><p>"You know, gay," Lee whispered the last part even if there was no one near them to overhear their conversation. The scuffle he had had with Gordon had caused a few heads to turn but no one was paying attention to them now.</p><p>"I’m not- Why...why are you saying these things to me?"</p><p>"Because I want you to know, as your best friend, you can talk to me about it. You don't have to hide anymore. Your secret's safe with me."</p><p>"I don't have any secrets. Can we not talk about this?"</p><p>"Of course," Lee obliged and with that, the conversation was over. Dean was sweating all over and needed to calm his nerves, so he ordered a bottle of whiskey and another round of beers and shots for himself, Lee, and the members of <em>Swayze’s Way</em> that Lee called to join them.</p><p>They drank, danced, and sang until they couldn't anymore, Dean willing himself to forget about his and Lee's conversation the entire time.. He hoped that Lee cared enough for him not to say anything to John. He had been doing so well lately and now this? Life was funny that way.</p><p>By the time they were done, Dean was too drunk to walk or do much of anything. The next time Dean was aware of his surroundings it was the next morning.</p><p>“Good Morning, handsome,” Lee greeted Dean and kissed him. He was laying next to Dean in bed shirtless with a smug smile on his face, his blue eyes were dancing over Dean’s equally shirtless torso. From the feel of it, Dean was fully naked.</p><p>
  <em>Since when did Lee call him handsome? Why the fuck did Lee kiss him? What the fuck was going on? And why was Lee in bed with him, shirtless? What the fuck? Why was Dean naked? What the fuck? What the fuck?! No!No!No!What the fuck was going on?</em>
</p><p>“Wha...what is going on? Why are you in my bed? Get off dude!” Dean said, pushing Lee off the bed. He thought that Lee was being playful by getting in bed with him, but when Lee toppled over the side of the bed, he was buck naked too.</p><p>“What do you mean what’s going on? We had sex, that’s what’s going on,” Lee stood up from where he was on the floor. Dean could see Lee’s morning erection laying there on his stomach, as if glaring at him. What the fuck? No...No...No. How did they have sex? Lee was playing with him, right? There was no way. Cas. Fuck. There was no way he could do that to Cas, and not with Lee of all people.</p><p>“Stop playing, man. And wear some some fucking clothes! Why is your dick out? Put it away. Jesus!” Dean was freaking out, pulling the covers over his chest feeling too exposed. He found his boxers on the floor near the side of the bed, he took them and wore them still covering himself. Lee was pulling on his boxers too, and he seemed angry for some reason.</p><p>“I’m not playing, Dean. We had sex, you couldn’t keep your hands off me when we came home from the bar, you kept begging for it.” There was no way Dean would have done that, no matter how drunk he was, he knew he would never do that. Besides, he had never blacked out before. Something was wrong. He could feel it deep down in his gut he just couldn’t put a finger on it.</p><p><em>No. No. No. What about Cas?</em> “How did I even get here? Why can’t I remember anything from when I ordered drinks at the bar?”</p><p>“So, you don’t remember anything? You kissing me in the cab on the way home? You throwing me on the bed at telling me to fuck you?”</p><p>“What?! No. No! No! I did no such thing, Lee. I...I don’t remember,” Dean stressed. He was panicking, trying to rack his brain to remember something, anything, but it was all a fuzzy blur. He took his shirt and put it on and then got out of bed and grabbed his jeans that seemed to have been strewn on the seat in his room. Lee was fully dressed now gawking at Dean.</p><p>“You know what Dean? I won’t stand here and let you insult me, so I’ll just leave before this gets out of hand,” Lee said as he walked out of Dean’s room. Dean wanted to stop him, but he didn’t know how. He had bigger things to worry about like the fact that he had cheated on Castiel, or how he had sex with Lee, one of his best friends who he never, not even once, had any sexual feelings for, and the most troubling thing is that couldn’t remember anything. He didn’t know what to do or what to say, but from the hickies he saw on his neck while brushing his teeth and his slightly sore ass, it was clear they had sex. <em>Oh shit. Oh shit! What did he do?</em></p><p>Dean did not call Castiel that day or the next two days. Every time Castiel called him at Bobby’s, Bobby made up something about Dean being too busy with work and that he would call Castiel back. But he had had enough of covering for Dean.</p><p>“Dean, I love you like a son, but I am not going to keep lying to your boyfriend about your whereabouts. Deal with your own crap! I am too old for this,” Bobby had told him matter-of-factly one afternoon as Dean was busy working on a Bronco.</p><p>He did not know how to defend himself from that so he just said, “Okay, uncle Bobby.”</p><p>However, he did not call Castiel back, and Bobby had to unplug his phone, which he was pissed about, because how else were customers supposed to reach him? Well, they called John instead, so there was that. Dean had to deal with an angry John more now than ever, and it was starting to affect him too. But how could he talk to Castiel? How could he tell him he had cheated? It also didn’t help that Lee wasn’t talking to him lately, but that wasn’t something that was particularly important at the moment.</p><p>So, Dean did what he knew best, he wrote a letter to Castiel- the letter that broke them up- because he knew that what he had done, Castiel would never forgive. He knew he had broken his trust by having sex with one of his best friends, the friend that Castiel had said might be in love with Dean. <em>Fuck!</em> He wrote ten drafts but none of them were good enough. Each one was worse than the last one, so he settled on his final draft- concise and brief. It would get the point across. He cried the whole time he was writing it, but it had to be done.</p><p>Three days later, he started getting weird flashbacks of Lee putting him in a cab, him laying on Lee’s shoulder, Lee undressing him and putting him to bed, Lee kissing him, and then it was blank. He kept having those flashbacks for the next two days, and by the sixth day, he saw Lee towering over him and Dean pushing him away.</p><p>
  <em>“Stop it. What are you doing? Stop,” Dean slurred trying to push him away, but he was too weak from the alcohol, and his motions were uncoordinated.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You know you want it, Dean,” Lee purred, kissing his neck, sucking a hickey there then kissing Dean on the mouth. Dean did not kiss back.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Lee, please.... Stop,” he begged. He felt tears streaming down his face, he felt trapped, he didn’t want this, he didn’t want to be here.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No, Dean. I’ve wanted this for so long. We both have. Just relax.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He felt Lee pulling his boxers off, and then he was opening him up, and then he was pushing into him. It was excruciating, Dean felt like he was being split open. This wasn’t anything like what he and Cas had. Cas. Fucking Cas. He needed Cas here, he needed him to save him because he was too weak to do it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Stop, please. You are hurting me….Cas. What about Cas. Cas.” And then everything went black.</em>
</p><p>After realizing what had happened, Dean was in denial. He willed himself to forget and tried convincing himself he was making things up but then he <em>couldn’t</em> run away from it. The mind was funny that way. Sometimes it was your own personal prison no matter how hard you tried to run away. Dean started withdrawing slowly. Sam noticed and asked him about it, but Dean said he was fine, that he was just missing Castiel. Sam knew about Dean’s sexuality and he supported him. He also knew about Castiel because he had to cover for Dean more than once when he spent hours chatting with him on the phone.</p><p>Gordon also noticed, so he asked Dean about it. Dean said he was fine- that everything was fine. The flashbacks became more frequent and more vivid, he could feel everything that Lee had done to him. He knew he had tried to stop him, he knew what had happened to him wasn’t right, but he was a man. Who was he going to talk to about it? Who was going to believe him? So he kept it to himself, but it ate away at him.</p><p>In wanting to forget, and since he couldn’t talk about it, he found that alcohol was the best solution. When he was drunk, he couldn’t feel. He couldn’t feel the empty hole in his heart-the hole that Castiel used to fill, but now they weren’t together anymore. By now, he was sure Castiel had received the letter because, even if he had not gotten a response for his letter, Castiel’s calls stopped coming. He buried what had happened between him and Lee in the back of his mind and willed it to go away, but it never did. In a counteractive attempt to make peace with it, he apologized to Lee for kicking him out of his room. He told him that he was wrong and remembered everything, and he indeed had wanted Lee to fuck him. So he and Lee started talking again, Dean pretending that everything was okay between them- maybe this way it could erase everything that had happened, but it was always there, wherever he was.</p><p>He couldn’t sleep, but he found that his father’s whisky, which was always there, helped. John never noticed that his alcohol was missing, he assumed he drank it, so he always bought more. He started slacking at work and sometimes couldn’t even get out of bed. Gordon tried talking to him, but all he got was ‘I’m fine G.’ Bobby tried, but it was futile. John didn’t notice, and Lee did not even bother asking, he was too busy with his music and competing for the finals in the talent search competition at Nashville.</p><p>One night, Dean was having a nightmare and alcohol was not helping to soothe him to sleep, so he took sleeping pills that were in the medicine cabinet. They were John’s from a time before he became an alcoholic. So Dean made a habit of it, taking sleeping pills with whisky or vodka or beer, honestly whatever was available. Bobby had to fire him from work and John was not pleased. He almost broke Dean’s ribs when he beat the shit out of him, but Dean laughed about it. He didn't care at that point, and Sam and Gordon took him to the ER where he got painkillers.</p><p>Things were getting worse, school was about to begin in two months and Dean was out of it most of the time. If he wasn’t sleeping during the day, he would lock himself in his room, drinking or crying, or both. He was a mess. Sam tried his best to help, but nothing worked. John was always away, so he didn’t care at all. Gordon was the one always there everyday until Dean had enough of him and sent him away. Things kept getting worse until, one day, Dean decided he’d had enough. He needed to numb the pain and sleep at the same time, so he took sleeping pills and painkillers with half a bottle of scotch and went to sleep. Gordon found him foaming and convulsing in his bedroom an hour later.</p><p>Dean had refused to go to the hospital and vomited his guts out for hours.</p><p>“Look D, I can’t keep doing this with you. Are you trying to kill yourself?” Gordon snapped at Dean who was sitting next to the toilet bowl looking like he had just vomited his guts out.</p><p>“I’m fine G, leave me alone,” Dean croaked and grimaced as another wave of nausea hit him and he spit into the toilet bowl.</p><p>“No!” Gordon put his foot down. “You can’t just say everything is okay, Dean. I will not watch you kill yourself. What is going on?”</p><p>“Nothing, okay? Nothing’s….” Dean lied as he vomited again, this time only spit came out. They stayed there for what seemed like hours until Dean’s stomach was settled. Gordon made him chamomile tea that he got from his house, and he had read somewhere that it had soothing properties accompanied by crackers to help with the nausea. Dean ate slowly, grimacing throughout but he managed to finish his food. Afterwards, he drank water and Gordon tucked him into bed and watched over him until Dean woke up screaming and crying “Stop, please stop! What are you doing?...Cas?”</p><p>“Hey, hey, you are okay,” Gordon soothed, holding Dean tightly to stop him from hurting himself. Dean sobbed on his chest and when he calmed down, Gordon asked him again. “What is wrong D, and don’t tell me it’s nothing. Is it about your dad?”</p><p>“No, it’s- it’s not that,” Dean choked out, sniffling.</p><p>“Is it about Cas? You were saying his name. What did you want him to stop doing? Did he hurt you?”</p><p>“Wha...what? No. Cas didn’t hurt me. I...I hurt him. I...I broke up with him.”</p><p>“What? What happened? When?”</p><p>“Two months ago, I just couldn’t hurt him anymore.”</p><p>“What do you mean? How did you hurt him?’</p><p>“I cheated on him.”</p><p>“Wait, what? When?”</p><p>“The night we went out with the band?”</p><p>“With who? Do I know whoever made you cheat on the one guy who really loved you as much as you loved him?”</p><p>“Lee,” Dean quietly said. “It was Lee.”</p><p>“What?!”</p><p>“But I don’t remember much of it...I was super drunk, I...I think I blacked out. But I told him to stop and he didn’t and I…”</p><p>“Wait, what? What do you mean you don’t remember and you blacked out? What don’t you remember?”</p><p>“Everything. I don’t really remember what happened after you left. I ordered drinks, but I keep getting these flashbacks of Lee on top of me and me asking him to stop but he didn’t and I blacked out. Then it was morning...and he was in bed with me. He said we...we had sex and I was asking for it.”</p><p>“What the fuck, D? What did that motherfucker do to you?” Gordon’s nostrils were flaring with anger, and he could feel tears streaming down his face. “Dean, you need to talk to someone, a professional about this, Lee r-”</p><p>“Don’t say it. Don’t say that word, please,” Dean cut him off. “You think it hasn’t hit me that that’s what happened? But I’m a man. Can you do that to a man?”</p><p>“Of course you can. I think we need to report him. This is unacceptable!”</p><p>“No. No. We can’t report him, I can’t deal with the shame and my dad finding out. He would kill me. Promise me G. Promise me that you will keep this between us,” Dean begged him, his red rimmed, tear filled swollen green eyes looking at Gordon, defeated.</p><p>“Okay, but you have to promise me that you are going to talk to a professional about this.”</p><p>“Mhmm,” Dean hummed unconvincingly. Gordon knew not to push him, but he was fucking livid.</p><p>“I swear I’m going to kill that motherfucker, I knew he couldn’t be trusted. Fuck, Dean. I’m so sorry.”</p><p>"It's okay G, just remind me never to drink in public again. I think he did something to my drink."</p><p>"I <em>know</em> he did it, and I promise I will never let you drink in public ever again. I got you."</p><p>"Thanks G, for everything."</p><p>"Anytime."</p><p> </p><p>Dean didn’t seek help, but Gordon helped him through it, and whenever he needed to talk about anything, Gordon was there. Gordon even convinced him to call Castiel and talk to him, but he said he needed to be alone for now, he would find Castiel someday when he was ready, Gordon didn’t push him this time either.</p><p>Lee came back from Nashville, a week after Dean had told Gordon what happened, and it took everything within Gordon not to snap his neck, but Dean held him back, telling him to let it go. Putting that anger to good use, Gordon formulated a plan. He was going to destroy Lee the same way he had destroyed Dean. He was going to take away something he really loved, so he challenged him to a wrestling match, it was something they did often so it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Gordon made sure to break his fingers in a way that he would never play guitar again.</p><p>“Why the fuck did you do that?” Lee whined angrily, wincing in pain when he came back from the hospital. “They said I could never play guitar again, you motherfucking fuck!”</p><p>“That was the least I could do. Let that serve as a reminder for that fucked up shit you did to Dean.”</p><p>“What are you talking about man? Dean is my best friend.”</p><p>“Some best friend you are. Do you go around raping all your best friends? Just be glad that Dean stopped me from reporting you, or worse snapping your neck.”</p><p>“What the fuck?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’d ask you the same thing. Just remember that every time you think about playing the guitar, you will never play again because you are a fucking rapist! And Lee, stay the fuck away from Dean, or next time, I might not be so generous. I might decide to take something more precious like your entire hand or even maybe...your pathetic life!”</p><p>"You are going to regret this Gordon. This is far from over."</p><p>"It is for you."</p><p>A week later, <em>Swayze’s Way</em> got a call that they had won the talent search. Lee was crushed that he couldn't play guitar anymore, but he joined the band in Nashville to sing and write their songs. He never talked to or saw Dean and Gordon ever again. He was kicked out of the band six months later because, as their manager said, he didn’t have what it took to be a star because his guitar playing skills were what gave him star quality.</p><p> </p><p>➽➽➽</p><p> </p><p>Castiel could not believe what he had just heard. He always thought of different reasons as to why Dean broke up with him - hundreds of reasons, really, but never could he have thought that Dean was going through so much pain. He did the only thing he could do for now, he held a sobbing Dean to his chest and rubbed soothing circles on his back.</p><p>“Cas, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I was a coward when I needed to speak, but I couldn’t let you be with someone like me, someone tainted,” Dean sobbed into Castiel’s chest.</p><p>“No, Dean. I’m so sorry Dean. I’m sorry all that happened to you and that I wasn’t there for you. I should’ve known. I should’ve saved you from those monsters.” Castiel was livid but also ashamed that he gave up on Dean when he got the letter instead of going to him to know why he had broken up with him.</p><p>“I have to go now. I am a disgusting piece of shit who doesn’t deserve you,” Dean sobbed as he stood up and started to walk away towards the door. “I’m not worthy of love. Especially not yours.”</p><p>Somehow Dean telling Castiel that story had brought up feelings of worthlessness-John’s hurtful words, the beatings, the regret, Lee. It was all too much and he couldn’t stand himself. In that moment, it occurred to him that he was not worthy of love or anything good in his life so he kept walking but Castiel was in tow.</p><p>“Dean, stop!” Castiel called out to him and held his hand to stop him, but Dean kept walking so Castiel pulled him by the arm and turned him around. Dean stumbled and leaned against the door pulling Castiel with him. They were so close Castiel could almost taste Dean’s tears that were streaming down his face, Dean was shaking. Castiel looked at him, his beautiful face tear streaked, he had to say it or he would lose Dean forever this time and he wasn’t going to lose him, not again; never again.</p><p>“Dean, I know now why you keep saying to yourself that you are not gay and you are not worthy of me. It’s because of all these horrible things and those horrible people who made you feel unworthy-your father and Lee. You think you are not perfect and that in some way you are flawed because of that part of yourself that loves men. Dean, that does not make you flawed or any less worthy of love. Your father made you believe these things and Lee made it worse by taking something from you. But, hear this loud and clear because I mean every word of it with every fibre of my being- I love you. I love you with all your flaws, even the dark parts of yourself that you think don’t deserve to be seen. I love those too because they make you you. They make you the man that I love. So stay and let’s work through this together because you are my best friend and I want you in my life too.”</p><p>Dean looked up at Castiel's red rimmed blue eyes. He seemed distraught and even then, Dean saw the love in his eyes.</p><p>“You know, when my memory came back and I realized what Lee had done, my days were dark and I knew I couldn’t have you any more since I had pushed you away. On those days, I kept waiting for the sun to rise, the clock to tick, my heart to beat-anything to make sure that time was passing and I wouldn’t be stuck there forever. But it didn’t work. I think I’m still stuck there,” Dean sobbed. “So, no, Cas. I am not worthy of you. You deserve better, I realize that now,” Dean sniffled. Castiel was lost for words. After his speech to Dean, he didn’t know what else to say to convince him to stay but he couldn’t give up. He tried one more time.</p><p>“You may think that you are too damaged or too broken to ever allow yourself to be happy but you can choose to be happy with me, Dean. I love you with everything that I am, and I know you love me too. So let’s make this work, just the two of us against the world,” Castiel said, his thumbs wiping the streams of tears on Dean’s rosy freckled cheeks.</p><p>“But-do you forgive me?” Dean croaked and then sniffled his hazel eyes looking up to Castiel like he was his salvation.</p><p>“Oh Dean. Do you even have to ask? I forgive you. I forgive you, Dean. I really do,” he whispered as he peppered him with kisses all over his face. “ And I love you so much, Dean. I never stopped. I should’ve been there for you.”</p><p>Dean slumped on Castiel’s chest and sobbed, soaking Castiel’s pajamas with tears but Castiel did not mind it. Instead, he hugged him so tight and Dean snuggled even more into his chest that Castiel thought they would fuse into one. Amidst all the tears, Dean smiled and snuggled deeper into Castiel’s chest, knowing that he was loved unconditionally for once in his life. He smiled because finally someone saw and accepted him for who he was. He would never have to change or play a character to appease Castiel.</p><p> </p><p>➽➽➽</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Present Day</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Connecticut, New York</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Wait a minute, so I unplugged my phone because you were having a gay crisis?” Bobby gawked at Dean. “What the hell?”</p><p>“I’m sorry. I just...I couldn’t let dad know about Cas. That...that I was in love with a man. You know what he could’ve done, and Sam had no one else but me,” Dean choked out. All the emotions of the past were catching up to him. Castiel looked at his husband and felt tears coming on. He knew the real truth behind all this but he knew they couldn’t tell anyone about it, so he put a reassuring hand on Dean’s thigh and gave him a sad smile.</p><p>They hadn’t told their friends about Lee raping Dean because, first of all, Dean was not going to share that information with anyone save for the people who already knew-himself, Lee, Gordon and Mildred. The other reason was a reason he would take to the grave.</p><p>“I’m so sorry, Dean,” Sam said quietly. “I’m so sorry that you had to give up ten years of your life with Cas because of me.”</p><p>“Don’t Sam. Don’t you dare apologize. It was always you and me. You were my responsibility and if keeping you safe meant I had to give up this amazing human being then it was worth it,” Dean sniffled. “There’s nothing in this world I would’ve put above you. So don’t apologize.”</p><p>Sam stood up and walked briskly towards Dean and gave him a bear hug. It made Castiel tear up seeing this.</p><p>“You know, Sam. You should appreciate your brother more. He gave up so much for you,” Bobby chimed in. “But on the downside, don’t because you turned out to be an idjit just like him.”</p><p>The room that had fallen silent from the emotional revelations about John’s abuse and homophobia came alive with laughter from Bobby’s comment. Dean and Sam let go of each other then and sat in their respective seats.</p><p>“That’s true. He’s a giant idiot and I love him for it,” Eileen reiterated. Awws and laughter echoed around the room as Jessica brought in more drinks.</p><p>“You need to go get some sleep Jessica,” Castiel whispered to her as she was passing. “Jack will be up early tomorrow and I don’t want you overworking yourself without sufficient rest. I’ll serve the drinks.”</p><p>“That’s very kind of you sir, but I’m not going to miss this fairytale. I’ll nap when Jack takes his nap,” she smiled and walked away.</p><p><em>Fairytale?</em> Castiel thought, <em>if they only knew that this is not as perfect as they think.</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know this chapter might be heavy for most people. Please do share your thoughts and feedback with me either in the comment section or on Tumblr.</p><p>Also, if you need to talk, kindly send me a DM on Tumblr.</p><p>*Bisous</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dean let's some people in on a few secrets but they are not really secrets when everybody knows now are they?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger warning: Mention of some of the things Dean revealed in Chapter 18. So tread carefully.</p><p>Also some fluff.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <br/>
  <em> <strong>“Let it die. Let there be a new beginning. It’s awful. Goodnight.” -Charles Bukowski.</strong> </em>
</p><p>“Will you go out with me?” Castiel asked casually as they stood at the rooftop of Dean’s apartment building, cold beers in hand. It was a hot summer night a week after Dean had told him the truth. Dean had been gazing at the clear beautiful night sky when Castiel asked him, so he turned to face him. Castiel had this serious but also soft look in his eyes. His blue eyes looking tenderly at Dean.</p><p>“You mean like a date?” Dean knew what Castiel had meant, but he was freaking out. But he kept hearing Sam’s voice at the back of his mind.</p><p>“Yes,” Castiel replied, never taking his eyes off Dean.</p><p><br/>Dean sipped his beer a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.</p><p>“Of course I will go out on a date with you since you asked so nicely,” Dean laughed.</p><p>“So why were you making it so difficult just now?” Castiel challenged.</p><p>“A true lady shouldn’t appear too eager Sir,” Dean quipped and they both laughed.</p><p>So, it happened that the following week, on Friday evening, Castiel took Dean to a quaint family-owned restaurant that had the best Mexican food Dean had ever had.</p><p>“That was the most savory rice I have ever had,” Dean gushed as they walked to the car. “I need to learn how to make it.”</p><p>“You really love food, huh?” Castiel was awed at how happy Dean looked, carrying at least two bags of food that he had ordered to take home for himself and maybe share some of it with Sam.</p><p>“Yeah, cooking gave me a sense of belonging, you know,” Dean said as he got into the car next to Castiel. “I always feel calm when I’m in the kitchen.”</p><p>Castiel smiled at him, and that’s how Dean found himself in a culinary class with Castiel on their second date.</p><p>“Oh God, Cas this was the best date ever!” Dean smiled as they walked along the river afterwards.</p><p>“Glad to hear it,” Castiel smiled. Seeing Dean happy always made his heart feel so full.</p><p>“We should do it again sometime, I need to perfect that whisking technique so I can make you the perfect omelet.”</p><p>“Of course, we can come back anytime you want.”<br/>That’s how Dean ended up enrolled in a culinary summer class that he attended from Monday to Thursday.</p><p>“So, there’s this thing I discovered last week,” Dean whispered in Castiel’s ear. They were sitting on the couch next to each other at Sunday dinner talking about anything that came to mind.</p><p>“What is it?” Castiel asked softly, turning to face Dean. They were pressed against each other in the middle of the couch, and even though there was space on either side of the couch where they would be more comfortable, neither of them moved.</p><p>“It’s better if I show you,” Dean whispered back leaning more into Castiel. He smelled amazing and all Dean wanted to do was bury his nose in his hair and neck and stay there forever. It probably wasn’t the healthiest behavior, but who cares? When you love someone you love them. “Meet me here on Saturday at ten.”</p><p>“Okay, that doesn’t sound ominous at all,” Castiel quipped. Dean pouted and then Castiel laughed. “Okay. I’ll be here.”</p><p>Sam observed them as they flirted and shook his head chuckling.</p><p>“What’s so funny?" Sarah asked as she sat next to him on the adjacent couch, a bowl of popcorn in hand.</p><p>“Oh, nothing. I just remembered how I used to have an imaginary friend,” Sam lied.</p><p>“That sounds interesting, pray tell,” Sarah said as she popped buttered popcorn into her mouth.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>As agreed, Castiel met Dean on Saturday at 9:30. He liked to be early. Dean had said to wear street clothes and to bring his camera, so he had obliged. He was rather curious to see what Dean had planned and was not disappointed whatsoever when he found himself in Bushwick surrounded by breathtaking street art, hipster shops, and the quirkiest people he had ever seen in his life.</p><p>“A man after my own heart,” Castiel smiled, kissing Dean’s cheek. “This was perfect. I love you.”</p><p>“I love you more.” Dean had never been happier in his life than in that moment, seeing Castiel in his element, enjoying himself, and taking amazing photographs of their surroundings.</p><p> </p><p>On their fourth date, Castiel took Dean on a helicopter night tour of NewYork City. The awestruck look on Dean’s face meant the world to Castiel, although the death grip Dean had on him the entire time they were flying over the city was not fun at all.</p><p>Afterwards, they had a romantic dinner at the rooftop of one of the most exclusive restaurants in the city. Dean had expected that the night would end with Castiel finally kissing him but it never happened. He was disappointed, to say the least, because, after such a romantic night out in the city, he had expected more. All he had gotten was another kiss on the cheek.</p><p>Later that night, Sam found him sitting on the couch in his hotdog pajamas eating pie.</p><p>“Dean, did you just eat a whole pie by yourself?” Sam chuckled as he slumped to sit next to his brother on the sofa.</p><p>“Leave me alone Sammy!” Dean snapped rolling his eyes while he licked the fork.</p><p>“Okay, but if you’re stress eating it means that something went wrong on your date,” Sam was treading on dangerous territory.</p><p>Dean had not told him that he and Castiel were dating, but he had told him that things were okay between them now. However, Sam was very observant and had seen how they were acting around each other, leaning too close, laughing at each other’s not so funny jokes, wanting to touch but awkwardly withdrawing their hands when they realized they were in public among other things.</p><p>“Date? What date?” Dean fidgeted nervously and placed the plate on the coffee table.</p><p>“I’m not stupid Dean. I know you and Cas have been sneaking around to go out on dates. Y’all ain't subtle.”</p><p><br/>“Whatever Sammy, leave me alone.”</p><p><br/>“Did something happen?”</p><p>“Nothing happened. That’s the problem,” Dean muttered as he walked to his bedroom.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>“They’re so beautiful,” Dean gushed looking out into the lake, a cold beer in hand, and his tan legs sprawled in front of him, toes in the sand.</p><p>“Tell me about it. How’d we get so lucky?” Gordon reiterated looking at Castiel and Bela playing volleyball on the beach, just the two of them. The game was off because there weren’t enough players, and they had to make up their own rules as the game went on, but they seemed to be having the time of their lives.</p><p>“I don’t know, man. We’re just two dumbass kids from Kansas dating these gorgeous human beings and I just-,” Dean didn’t finish before Gordon was chiming in.</p><p>“Hey, speak for yourself for the dumbass part, I had a 4.0 GPA, so don’t even start,” Gordon smarted.</p><p>“Okay, whatever Mr. Smartypants,” Dean laughed then sipped his beer. The cold liquid felt good going down his throat against the summer heat. “Besides, 4.0 GPA or not, you’re still a dumbass, and I love you for it.”</p><p>“I’m not going to argue with you on that, we are both dumbasses,” Gordon agreed and they laughed then settled into comfortable silence watching as Bela and Castiel argued for the umpteenth time about rules.</p><p>Gordon had invited Dean to his Hamptons summer home for a fun weekend, just the three of them, including Bela. Dean figured it was time to tell the other most important person in his life apart from Sam about Castiel. So he asked Gordon whether he could bring Castiel along as his plus one. Gordon was thrilled and shrieked on the phone in a voice Dean had never heard come from him before, “Of course D! It’s about damn time!” Gordon had asked about the details on how they came to be together again after everything and Dean had promised to fill him in when they got to the Hamptons.</p><p>“I told him,” Dean said suddenly. Gordon turned to meet his eyes and he understood what Dean meant.</p><p>“How did he take it?” Gordon asked, squinting his eyes since the light from the late afternoon sun was a bit much.</p><p>“We’re dating, aren’t we? Well, at least, I think we are” Dean huffed.</p><p>“Jesus! You know what I meant. Tell me everything, you promised,” Gordon laughed knowing that Dean’s statement wasn’t him being rude but rather trying to be funny and a grumpy cat like he always was.</p><p>Dean sipped his beer and then looked at where Castiel and Bela were still playing, Castiel was trying to snatch the ball away from her playfully.</p><p>“We went to a motor show in New Jersey last month, and I got drunk then kissed him,” Dean said, sipping his beer then smirked at Gordon.</p><p>“Wait! Hold up! <em>You</em> kissed him?” Gordon was flabbergasted. With all the <em>I am not gay</em> talk from Dean over the years, he had thought that Castiel had made the first move.</p><p>“Hold your horses, let me finish,” Dean said feigning exasperation. Gordon raised his hands in mock surrender and Dean continued. “So, I kissed him, but he didn’t kiss me back. Then I told him I wasn’t gay, we had an argument then he left. I’d never felt so broken, man.” He shook his head as if to shake the memory from his mind.</p><p>Gordon watched him intently, his face stoic. “Anyway, Sam found me on the floor later, don’t ask. He talked sense into me. I went to Cas’ condo and confessed my feelings for him through the door. I was leaving when he opened the door and let me in. Then we talked for a while and then he said that he loved me but couldn’t be with me because of what I did to him- he couldn’t trust me. I realized at that moment that I couldn’t lose him G, not again. I wouldn’t let my dad or Lee win again, so I just told him.”</p><p>Gordon sipped his beer, looked at Castiel who had his hands akimbo waiting for Bela to retrieve the ball from the lake and then at Dean.</p><p>“You really are a dumbass aren’t you? You kiss the love of your life, who happens to be a guy, and then tell him you’re not gay? Who does that?”</p><p>“Apparently <em>this</em> dumbass,” Dean sighed, pointing to himself. Gordon shook his head.</p><p>“I’m glad it worked out though. But how are things going, now?”</p><p>Dean huffed, “I don’t know, man. I don’t know how I expected things to be, but I didn’t expect them to be like this.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“I didn’t expect him to just forgive me and move on, you know? He’s been so kind and gentle and sweet, I just...it’s all too much.”</p><p>“Isn’t that a good thing?” Gordon frowned. <em>What was Dean saying?</em></p><p>“It’s the best thing. I’ve just never experienced anything like it before.” Gordon was frowning at Dean not understanding what the problem was. “But something’s off.”</p><p>“Get to the point, man. I’m getting antsy.” Dean rolled his eyes.</p><p>“I think we are dating. Well I know we are dating because he has asked me to go on dates with him. We’ve gone on four dates in over a month and we haven’t kissed or done anything else yet. Everything is so PG,” Dean rambled on. “Well, he’s kissed me on the cheek and he gave me forehead kisses that night I came clean, but that’s just about it.”</p><p>Gordon seemed to ponder for a few minutes then let out a sigh and looked at Dean, “Considering everything you told him, maybe he wants you to take the lead in that sector.”</p><p>“You think so?” Dean's curiosity perked. <em>Is that what Cas actually wanted?</em></p><p>“Yeah. I mean if Bela ever told me something like that, I’d want her to feel comfortable with me and take the lead. Maybe he feels like if he goes there with you he might scare you away.”</p><p>“Yeah, that makes sense.”</p><p>“So, it’s either you take the lead or you use your words. Okay?</p><p>“Yeah. Thanks, man.”</p><p>“Does this mean you’re gay now?” Gordon quipped trying to lighten the mood.</p><p>“When was I ever not?” Dean laughed heartily, grateful that his friend was trying to make him smile.</p><p>Gordon laughed as Bela slumped on his lap, making the beer bottle fall off his hand. Gordon kissed her pouting mouth not minding the beer bottle. Bela gave him a quick kiss.</p><p>“Castiel’s cheating, love. I can’t take it anymore,” Bela whined, her British accent rather prominent in the way she said <em>can’t</em>.</p><p>“No, I’m not! You are just jealous because you couldn’t keep up,” Castiel said, sitting at Dean's feet on the sand. Gordon and Dean laughed as they watched the two bicker, but Dean was getting turned on by how Castiel’s lean muscles rippled under his exposed tan torso. The glistening sweat didn’t help either and his strong muscular legs were the most spectacular thing sprawled right under his shorts. “Back me up here, Dean.”</p><p>“I’m sorry but this is your battle, Cas,” Dean laughed and everyone else joined in. Castiel just shook his head and took a cold beer from the cooler and chugged half of it.</p><p> </p><p>Later after they had had dinner, they sat down in the living room with a few bottles of wine and talked. Castiel played the piano, and, at some point, Gordon and Bela stood up to dance to the music. Dean got a call from Sam and went to answer it. He stayed out there on the balcony observing how the water glistened in the moonlight and the waves crushed softly on the beach.</p><p>“Hey, are you okay?” Castiel asked as he stood next to him, he offered him a glass of the merlot they had been drinking earlier. Dean took it without hesitation and took a sip.</p><p>“Yeah, just enjoying the view,” he smiled looking at Castiel, their eyes met and they just got lost in each other for a moment.</p><p>“Yeah, the view is rather beautiful,” Castiel said softly, looking into Dean’s eyes. Dean understood what he meant, he wasn’t talking about the lake, and it felt like he was looking into Dean’s soul. Dean smiled and looked back at the lake.</p><p>“Where are Gordon and Bela?” Dean asked after taking a rather big sip of his wine.</p><p>“They said something about checking on their babies. Do they have kids?” Castiel wondered out aloud.</p><p>“Nah, they are checking in with their business managers, they do it every day,” Dean laughed. "They call their businesses babies."</p><p>“Oh, that makes sense,” Castiel laughed at himself for being dumb. “So, what are you really doing out here?”</p><p>“I just needed some air.”</p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>“Yeah. I’m okay. But are <em>we</em> okay?”</p><p>“We?”</p><p>“You and me, dummy,” Dean snorted, turning to look at him. Castiel frowned and tilted his head in that way that Dean found adorable.</p><p>“I suppose we are. Are we <em>not</em> okay?” Castiel was confused.</p><p>“It’s nothing. Never mind,” Dean murmured. He felt tears threatening so he sniffled.</p><p>“Dean. Please talk to me. I thought we were okay and that there were no more secrets between us,” Castiel said, softly putting his hand on Dean’s shoulder, Dean was tense. “If anything is bothering you- whether it’s me, work, Sam, or anything at all you know you can talk to me right?”</p><p>“I know, Cas. I just don’t know how to talk about it.”</p><p>“Okay, should we go to a more comfortable place?”</p><p>“No, it’s not about the place or anything like that,” Dean looked at Castiel, his hazel eyes glittering from the reflection of the lake and the lights. “It’s- it’s about <em>you</em>. It’s about <em>us</em>.”</p><p>“Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you in any way?” Castiel was panicking. <em>What had he done?</em> He squinted, his eyes darting from side to side as if trying to recall something. He came up empty.</p><p>“No. God, no! You...you have been amazing, Cas,” Dean assured him, his hand reaching to touch Castiel’s arm as if to placate him. “I just, I thought we were dating.” He said the last part so quietly Castiel almost didn’t catch it amidst the sound of the crashing waves.</p><p>“We are. I thought asking you out on dates and telling you I love you over and over again meant that we are.” Castiel frowned and tilted his head again looking at Dean. Dean’s eyes were glistening with unshed tears, and Castiel hated that he did not fully understand what was going on so he could solve it. “What is going on, Dean?”</p><p>“Why haven’t you kissed me then?” Dean blurted out in a shaky voice, a tear rolling down his face. Castiel’s face relaxed visibly as he let out a sigh releasing all the pent-up tension he didn’t know he had been holding<br/>.<br/>“Why haven’t <em>you</em>?” Castiel countered and Dean seemed taken aback. He fumbled for words but it seemed none were forthcoming so he just gawked at Castiel. Castiel stared back.</p><p>“I don’t know. I was waiting for you to do it,” Dean confessed in a small voice, blushing. “I thought you took charge of these things.”</p><p>“Are you saying I’m the captain of this ship?” Castiel asked haughtily, knowing exactly what Dean meant. Dean rolled his eyes and smiled knowing Castiel was trying to make him laugh to get him out of the funk he was in.</p><p>“I’m the captain, you’re more like my cabin boy,” Dean laughed, biting his bottom lip while looking at Castiel’s lips.</p><p>“Is that so?” Castiel asked, his voice gruffer than usual. “So why don’t you kiss me, Captain?”</p><p>“I want you to kiss me,” Dean whispered, looking up at Castiel’s eyes that were watching him hungrily and then back to his full pink lips that were begging to be devoured.</p><p>“Are you sure?” Castiel asked, his breath hitching. He had waited twelve years, and finally, Dean was here asking for it. They were so close now, they could practically taste each other and feel the static electricity in the air.</p><p>“I have never been more sure of anything in my life,” Dean breathed out and then crushed his lips to Castiel’s. Their lips parted and their tongues met, soft and eager at first, dancing together, not missing a beat, even after being apart for twelve years. Twelve long years of yearning and heartbreak. But now, they were home.</p><p>At some point, they stopped kissing to come up for air, and hungry blue eyes were meeting equally hungry hazel ones.</p><p>“I love you, Dean Winchester,” Castiel whispered, laying his forehead on Dean’s.</p><p>“I love you too, Cas. More than anything,” Dean whispered back. “Not to be a downer but are we, like, boyfriends now?”</p><p>“Weren’t we always?” Castiel asked and kissed Dean again like his life depended on it.</p><p>They didn’t notice Gordon and Bela watching them, in a non-creepy way, from the archway with the biggest grins on their faces.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>Nothing much changed for Dean and Castiel, they hung out as usual, continued with the Sunday dinners, which had somehow evolved into found-family Sunday dinners. Jody, Donna, Charlie, and Sarah joined them now. They continued to watch movies-old movies, action movies, cowboy movies, and sappy rom coms that Dean would never admit he liked. He asked Castiel not to tell a soul about it even under the pain of imminent death.</p><p>They argued, as always, about each other’s taste in music- Castiel loved pop music, and, honestly, just about any music that he came across that sounded good. He also preferred to listen to classical music when he was working in the darkroom or taking photographs which had become a frequent thing lately. Dean preferred classic rock. Led Zeppelin played over and over again to the point that Castiel knew almost all of them by heart, and he had come to like them too, just not as much as Dean. Castiel also noticed Dean would sometimes listen to pop, especially Taylor Swift, who was Castiel’s favorite.</p><p>
  <em>But she wears short skirts</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I wear T-shirts</em>
  <br/>
  <em>She's Cheer Captain, and I'm on the bleachers</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find</em>
  <br/>
  <em>That what you're looking for has been here the whole time</em>
</p><p>“Don’t,” Dean reprimanded Castiel who was looking at him, mouth agape, shocked that Dean was singing along to Taylor Swift’s <em>You Belong with Me.</em> He was not only dumbfounded that Dean had started listening to Taylor Swift after he had told him that pop music isn’t real music but also the fact that Dean knew all the words.</p><p>“I didn’t say anything,” Castiel smiled fondly at Dean. Dean scoffed and increased the volume and drove off as they sang along.</p><p>
  <em>If you could see that I'm the one</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Who understands you</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Been here all along</em>
  <br/>
  <em>So, why can't you see?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>You belong with me</em>
  <br/>
  <em>You belong with me</em>
</p><p>The only thing that had changed is that they would make out a lot- like teenagers. They never did in public because they had decided to keep it to themselves for a while. The only people who knew about them were Sam and Gordon and Bela, and they weren’t going to tell anyone either.</p><p>“I think I’m ready,” Dean said, walking into Castiel’s living room one Saturday evening in September with a bowl of popcorn.</p><p>They were watching <em>Die Hard 4</em> for the umpteenth time, but Castiel was not complaining. He had learned that it was better to indulge Dean than argue about how feature films were so much better than action movies.</p><p><br/>“Ready for what?” Castiel looked up at him from where he was laying on the sofa.</p><p>“To...uh...come out to our friends,” Dean replied. He was biting his bottom lip nervously and then sat down at the edge of the sofa looking at Castiel with worried green eyes.</p><p>“That’s a big step, Dean. Are you sure you’re ready?” Castiel asked, sitting up on He was concerned. They had been together for three months now and things were going well. “Yes. I can’t go on another day without letting the people we care for the most know about us. Heck, I want the whole world to know how much I love you,” he gushed and kissed Castiel on the cheek.</p><p>“Whatever you want, Dean,” Castiel smiled at him.</p><p>“When?”</p><p>“How about tomorrow during dinner? Everyone we care about will be there,” Dean said, a sparkle in his eyes and the biggest smile on his face.</p><p>“Of course,” Castiel agreed and Dean kissed him like his life depended on it. They ended up making out, hands exploring, getting lost in each other, Bruce Willis long forgotten.</p><p>Castiel wasn’t sure that Dean was ready to tell the whole world. Not that the gossip columns on tabloids that no one probably ever read weren’t already speculating about Castiel’s <em>mystery man</em>, but telling their close friends about it and telling the world were two different things. It would be okay.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>“Guys, I...uh...I need to say something,” Dean said quietly as they sat down to have dessert after their filling dinner that he and Castiel had prepared.<br/>“This is going to be interesting,” Jody laughed as she took a bite of the pie. Everyone on the table looked up at Dean expectantly not saying anything.</p><p>“So...uh...I am you know, gay or whatever, maybe I’m bisexual or pan, who knows I mean why put labels on things right? It’s not like I know whether I exclusively like guys and the ladies or it’s just one guy and all the women or just specific women and guys. I mean who knows, like does anyone actually know unless it happens I mean like…”</p><p>“Dean?” Sam’s voice interrupted his rambling. Dean looked at him then at everyone else at the table. Donna had stopped eating with her fork stopping mid-air on its way to her mouth, Jody was leaning back in her chair sipping wine, Castiel was hiding his face in his hand in embarrassment, and Sam and Sarah were watching him stoically while Charlie was winking at him.</p><p>Sam knew. Of course, he was the first person Dean had told after he and Castiel got together. He was the one that had nudged Dean in the right direction.</p><p>“Uh… sorry, what I meant to say was I’m gay for Cas and we’re dating!” Dean blurted out and sat down next to Castiel giving him a kiss on the cheek.</p><p>“Oh,” Donna said and kept eating.</p><p>“Congratulations, Dean, Cas,” Sarah said softly and smiled at the couple.</p><p>“I knew it!” Charlie gushed.</p><p>“To be fair, Dean. Everyone knew. It’s not like it’s been a secret,” Sam laughed.</p><p>“What?!” Dean exclaimed, shocked that everyone knew.<br/>“I mean guys, it’s not like it’s been two years of heart eyes and eyefucks and yearning. The fights, on and off relationship. It was getting ridiculous,” Jody said.</p><p>“What?! Two years? What do you mean? We have been together for months.” Dean was confused. <em>What was going on?</em> Castiel just rubbed his back soothingly to placate him.</p><p>“Let’s just say Dean, we all knew before y’all knew,” Sam deadpanned and took a bite of his pie.</p><p>“Oh, I didn’t think-” Dean tried to speak, but he couldn’t finish his thought so he just sat there, he was kind of disappointed because he had expected surprise, shock maybe, but it was clear they weren’t so careful after all.</p><p>“But we are happy that you made it official,” Donna smiled at him. “Now, Cas, can you kiss your boyfriend? He looks like he needs it.”</p><p>Everyone laughed. Dean blushed and rolled his eyes.</p><p>“To Dean and Cas,” Charlie raised her glass of wine.</p><p>“To Dean and Cas,” everyone joined in.</p><p>They ate quietly for a while, Dean still couldn’t wrap his head around what had just happened, but he was happy that he could kiss his boyfriend without hiding now.</p><p>“So, what do you think we should call them? Deancas?” Charlie asked as they finished their meal.</p><p>“Deastiel?” Sam suggested.</p><p>“Winchshurley,” Jody offered.</p><p>“That’s awful. I like Destiel better,” Donna chimed in.</p><p>“Yeah, that sounds good,” Sarah agreed.</p><p>“Well, I just like to call him my boyfriend,” Castiel said softly. He had not spoken much since Dean had spoken his truth to their family.</p><p>“Awww,” everyone cooed.</p><p>“I love you,” Dean said to Castiel and kissed him on the lips so deeply he thought he might suck the life out of him.</p><p>Next came the awws from their friends, but the couple either didn’t hear them or ignored them and kept making out.</p><p>“I love you too, Dean,” Castiel said back once they came up for air.</p><p>“I love you, guys,” Jody said softly, holding her cheeks in her hands. “You’re so adorable together.”</p><p>Everyone agreed.</p><p>Later that evening after Castiel had settled in his apartment, he called Dean.</p><p>“What was that? The rambling,” Castiel laughed getting into bed.</p><p>“I don’t know. I wish I’d listened to you and practiced my speech,” Dean huffed, pulling his covers closer to his chest.</p><p>“Yes, you should’ve. But...it was so adorable watching you fumble for words,” Castiel laughed.</p><p>“Shut up,” Dean blushed. “I’m just surprised everyone thought we were together for two years and no one said anything,” Dean said softly.</p><p>“They love and respect us, Dean. I would’ve done the same for them,” Castiel replied.</p><p>“Yeah, I get that. I just...I wish we hadn’t wasted so much time you know. I know it’s my fault but-” Dean started but Castiel didn’t let him finish.</p><p>“Dean, what matters is that we are together now. The past is just background noise, okay?” Castiel said softly, his deep voice soothing Dean and he yawned. “Are you sleepy?”</p><p>“Yeah. I’m beat after the feast we cooked,” he confessed and yawned again.</p><p>“Goodnight, Dean. I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too, Cas. Goodnight.”</p><p>Castiel waited for Dean to hang up but he didn’t, they both stayed on the phone and Castiel only hung up when he heard Dean’s soft snores through the phone speakers. He smiled and realized that for the first time in over a decade, he was actually, genuinely happy and fulfilled.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>“Sometimes I wish I could look at him and tell him how he destroyed my life,” Dean sniffled. Mildred handed him a tissue which he took from her, but instead of wiping his tears, he played with it between his fingers.</p><p><br/>“Why haven’t you?” Mildred asked, looking at Dean intently as she always did, yet her eyes were always soft and kind.</p><p>“Because I am a coward. I mean he was the one person I trusted with my life. He was like a brother to me and he-”</p><p>“Own it. He raped you,” Mildred chimed in. “It is not a shameful word. You are not a victim, remember? You survived it.”</p><p>“Did I? Because for the past twelve years of my life it has always been there lurking in the shadows scratching away in my noggin.”</p><p>“Dean, I know it is not easy-”</p><p>“Do you, Dr. Baker? Do you really? Have you been raped by your best friend in the whole world? The one person you trusted with your life? Someone you considered your brother?” Dean’s nostrils were flaring and his face was turning red. He was more frustrated than angry, but still, this was not the way to solve things.</p><p>“It is not about me, Dean,” Mildred told him once again. “This is about you okay? I want you to heal from this pain.”</p><p>“I’m sorry. It’s just…,” Dean apologized and Mildred smiled at him and nodded her head in understanding.</p><p>“I want you to incorporate an affirmation to your breathing exercise,” she said, looking at Dean. “Say, this after me, <em>‘I am a survivor. I am not a victim. I will not let the past dictate my present or my future. I am worthy."</em></p><p>Dean rolled his eyes and huffed from the way Mildred was looking at him. Her eyes reminded him of Castiel’s, not in their color but in the kindness he saw there. As much as her eyes were blue, no one in the entire cosmos had eyes like Castiel's. They were their own special shade of blue, eyes like the sky, sometimes like the ocean brewing a storm. They were beautiful. The thought of Castiel made him smile and he found a reason to keep going with this.</p><p>“I am a survivor. I will not let the past dictate my present or my future. I am worthy,” Dean repeated, looking up at Mildred from where he had been forming shapes with the tissue.</p><p>“Repeat that every day when you wake up and any time you go to a <em>dark place</em>,” she said softly and Dean nodded.</p><p>“I’m sorry for my outburst,” Dean apologized again.</p><p><br/>“That is okay, Dean. You are human and allowed to have emotional responses to things. If you didn’t I would be worried,” she smiled at him.</p><p>“Thanks,” Dean laughed and let out a sigh.</p><p>“What do you do for fun?” Mildred asked after writing some notes in her notebook, Dean hated that notebook.</p><p>“Cars, old movies, cook, classic rock,” Dean said without a second thought.</p><p>“Okay, that’s good, but I think you should play an instrument,” she suggested. Dean laughed looking at her as if she had grown an extra head.</p><p>“What? I am not a musician,” Dean protested.</p><p>“You don’t have to be. I have noticed people who pick up an artistic activity tend to heal faster than people who don’t,” She said, softly.</p><p>“I-,” Dean started to protest again because music reminded him of Lee, <em>fucking rapist</em> but then he thought of Castiel and how he played the piano, a classical genius, and he remembered the words I<em> am a survivor. I will not let the past dictate my present or my future. I am worthy</em>. He said them quietly in his head and looked up at Mildred. “I think the piano would be a good instrument. Wait, is a piano an instrument?”</p><p><br/>They both laughed. Mildred closed her notebook and stood up.</p><p>“Yes, a piano is both a string and percussion instrument,” she smiled at him. “But don’t worry about that. It’s not important. My point is, playing music would be good for you.”</p><p>Dean hummed and smiled at her. A comfortable silence fell upon the room and Dean chuckled. Mildred tilted her head and smiled at him again as if she wanted to say something that she shouldn’t. “This is highly irregular, but I have to say, Dean, your progress is good. Keep doing whatever you are doing,” Mildred smiled as she stood up and walked behind her desk. Dean smiled. It was Cas. Cas was his anchor. He had saved him, again.</p><p>They were quiet for a while as Dean thought about everything Mildred had said. Mildred picked a diary from her desk and checked her watch before she went to sit back on her chair across from Dean.</p><p><br/>“Dr. Baker, I need to talk to you about something. If this is not your area, you don’t have to answer, but I need a voice of reason.”</p><p>“Dean, you can always talk to me or ask me anything.”</p><p>Dean sighed and started playing with the tissue again, Mildred watched him and waited patiently for whatever Dean wanted to say. They still had thirty minutes left in their session. Dean was shaking his leg, a nervous tick and then he stood up, shoving his hands in his jeans together with the tissue, and started pacing the room before he sat down again.</p><p>“It’s uh...It’s about Cas. You know our relationship,” Dean stuttered, looking up at Mildred shyly. Mildred just watched him curiously.</p><p>“Okay. What about you and Cas?” she enquired because Dean was not forthcoming with further information.</p><p>“We-uh…,” Dean chuckled nervously, “We have been together for three months now and well, we haven’t. You know-”</p><p>“No, I don’t, Dean. Use your words,” she said, gently with that soothing smile and dancing curious eyes. This was the second time someone had told him to use his words.</p><p>“We haven’t consummated our relationship yet, so to speak.” He tapped his foot on the floor and ran his hands over his thighs biting his lip. “I’m afraid he’s getting impatient with me and I might lose him.” Dean blurted out looking unblinkingly at Mildred.</p><p>“Ahh. You mean you haven’t had sex yet?” She asked, smiling.</p><p>“Yes,” Dean replied, his heart was thumping in his chest and his palms were sweaty so he wiped them on his jeans.</p><p>“Has he expressed that he can’t be with you unless you have sex?”</p><p>“No...No, he hasn’t.”</p><p>“So where is all this coming from?”</p><p>“I don’t know. I mean, if it were me, I would get frustrated that my boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me after three months together. I mean all we do is make out like teenagers which leaves us hard, sorry, but we never get around to doing anything more. I mean he hasn’t attempted even once to touch me there, he might be disgusted with me.”</p><p>“Dean, do you think you might be projecting your fears onto him?”</p><p>“What? No. I don’t know.”</p><p>“You can’t read Castiel’s mind. Have you stopped to think that maybe he wants<em> you</em> to take the lead in the sexual aspect of your relationship given that you’re a survivor of sexual assault?”</p><p>“Yes. But I keep going back to what if he is disgusted by me? You know,” Dean said, sheepishly avoiding her gaze.</p><p>“I understand why you might feel that way but I think the most important question is, are <em>you</em> ready to take that step? To have sex that is.” She was looking at him with concern in her eyes like she wanted him to be sure.</p><p>“I have been thinking about it for a while. And as you said, I am a survivor and not a victim. I feel that I am ready to take that step with Cas,” he said excitedly. He honestly had been thinking about it for a while, and he was sure he wanted it to happen more than Castiel did.</p><p>“Well then, all I care about is your well-being. If you feel ready then that’s good,” she assured him.</p><p>“What if we are in the middle of it and I freak out?” Dean asked, looking at her, he looked scared.</p><p>“Then you stop. I think this is something you both need to sit down and talk about. Lay down guidelines on what you want and need from him, and go from there,” she smiled.</p><p>Dean sat there pondering and then it hit him, that was the same thing Gordon had said to him. He needed to stop projecting his fears onto Castiel. He had been nothing but kind, patient, and caring ever since they got back together. He never once did anything to make Dean uncomfortable; he was projecting.</p><p>“Thank you. I...uh...I just assumed-” Dean stuttered and smiled at how helpful she had been.</p><p>“Assumptions are dangerous, Dean. Always use your words, that is the only way to know where you stand with people.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's Castiel's Birthday and Dean has a surprise for him.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger Warning: PTSD from past sexual assault.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> <strong>“Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long. Good things come to those who wait.” - Jess C. Scott.</strong> </em>
</p><p>It was a Saturday, the 17th of September, and Dean woke up with his head foggy. He checked his phone and was not surprised to see that it was a little after two in the afternoon. The bedroom was still dark and Castiel was not in bed with him. He sat up on the bed and stretched his sore body.</p><p><br/>They had had a wild night the previous night. It was Castiel's birthday on Sunday, so after work, Balthazar had taken them to a drag nightclub, just the three of them for Castiel’s pre-pre-birthday party since he would be leaving the country the next day. It was the first time Dean had been around so many queer people, let alone drag queens and kings. The funny thing is, is when Balthazar had said those words, drag show, he was scared shitless. He had figured he would hate it, but he had ended up having the best time of his life. The people were kind and easy to talk to, everyone had a heartbreaking story when he had talked to some in the dressing room where Balthazar had snuck them so he could talk to his friends. However, it was a delight, a world Dean had never seen, but a place he knew he belonged.</p><p><br/>They had gotten home late, around four in the morning, more tired than drunk since they had spent the whole night dancing and having fun with their new friends. At some point, Balthazar joined the drag show in drag. He wasn’t the most creative with his name, but his walk in heels was flawless. Dean was bewildered, to say the least. It may have been a new world but it was a world he felt that he belonged in.</p><p><br/>He got out of bed and padded to the bathroom and jumped when the person that stared back at him was a person he didn’t recognize; beautiful but strange.</p><p><br/>“Babe? Babe! What the fuck happened?” Dean shouted walking towards the kitchen looking for Castiel, who was seated at the kitchen island working on his laptop.</p><p><br/>“Look at you,” Castiel gushed as he turned around with a smile on his face to look at Dean. “That eyeliner makes your beautiful eyes pop.”</p><p><br/>“What?! I didn’t know being gay or whatever meant I had to wear makeup. How do I get it off?”</p><p><br/>“I don’t know,” Castiel shrugged. “Besides, you’ve never looked more beautiful. That lipstick shade goes well with your freckles.”</p><p><br/>“Cas, stop playing around and help me. I look like a painted whore,” Dean whined, he almost stomped his feet in frustration. Castiel pulled Dean towards him so that Dean was standing between his legs huffing and puffing. Castiel looked at his gorgeous face and then he hugged him. Once Dean let out a sigh, Castiel cupped his face and then kissed his pouty pink lips which were extra pouty this morning.</p><p><br/>“No, Dean. you look ravishing. I could eat you up right now. So beautiful,” Castiel panted as he kissed along his neck. Dean moaned, he always enjoyed this game they played although it had never gone further than that.</p><p><br/>“Babe, mmmhh...<em>fuck.</em>..that feels so good...mmm...but first help me,” Dean moaned.</p><p><br/>“Okay, fine, but only if I can take a picture. The light is catching you perfectly right now.”</p><p><br/>“Really? I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet and I’m sure my eyes are all crusty, I couldn’t see from all the eye makeup.”</p><p><br/>“It’s called eyeliner. But, you look amazing and I want to capture you like this,” Castiel said softly as he reached for his camera which was always by his side during the weekends whether they were indoors or outdoors.</p><p><br/>“Fine, but just one,” Dean negotiated.</p><p><br/>“You know that’s not how it works, Dean. I have to take a series of photos.”</p><p><br/>“Fine, one series or whatever, and that’s it.”</p><p><br/>Castiel set up his camera and got to work, they spent the next twenty minutes taking photos, and then he helped Dean get off his makeup with baby oil. Afterward, Dean had breakfast for lunch while Castiel had a salad. They looked at the photos Castiel had taken of Dean which Dean said that all of them looked awful but Castiel kept them all. Dean was gorgeous, he wished Dean could believe it.</p><p><br/>Later, Castiel left to go to the gym, so Dean got to work knowing he would be gone for at least three hours. He baked cupcakes, prepared dinner, set up the table, and showered before Castiel came home.</p><p><br/>“It smells amazing, what have you done?” Castiel asked as he walked into the condo in his gym clothes. “And you look even more gorgeous...wow.” Dean was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt but Castiel was just stunned by his beauty.</p><p><br/>“Just go take a shower, you reek,” Dean scrunched his nose then laughed as he shooed Castiel off to the direction of the shower. “Wear the clothes I laid out for you on the bed.”</p><p><br/>By the time Castiel was dressed in black fitted jeans, a black shirt, and house slippers and walked to the kitchen, Dean had set up a candle-lit dinner with a bottle of Château Margaux, roast chicken with creamy mashed potatoes and roasted vegetables. Soft classical music was playing from Castiel’s gramophone and Dean was in all his glory, tall and gorgeous as ever, pulling a seat for Castiel at the dinner table. He was wearing his skinny black jeans with his long-sleeved green henley shirt that made his hazel eyes pop. He looked good enough to eat.</p><p><br/>“Happy Birthday, Babe,” Dean whispered in Castiel’s ear as he sat down and Dean pushed his chair in a little bit. Castiel was on the verge of tears.</p><p><br/>“Dean, what is all this?” Castiel asked bewildered.</p><p><br/>“It’s your pre-birthday dinner dummy. I figured we didn’t get to actually celebrate just the two of us yesterday, so I figured why not do it today? I know it’s not much but I just-” Dean tried to justify himself but Castiel wouldn’t let him.</p><p><br/>“It’s perfect. No one has ever been so thoughtful before. I’ve always had grand parties or gone out to celebrate with friends but this? This is what I have always wanted. Thank you, Dean. You know me so well.” Castiel never cried, at least Dean had never seen him cry but there were clearly tears in his eyes.</p><p><br/>“You’re welcome babe,” Dean smiled. “Now dig in before the food gets cold.”</p><p><br/>They ate and talked about the previous night and their drag names, Dean’s was <em>Freckled Hazel</em> and Castiel’s was <em>Lady Aqua</em>. They laughed at how on the nose their names were.</p><p><br/>Later, Dean brought out the cupcakes, sang happy birthday for Castiel, and told him to make a wish. After they were done eating, they slow-danced to the soft classical music playing in the background. Castiel couldn’t dance because he was apparently born with two left feet, but Dean was having the time of his life.</p><p><br/>They packed the leftovers and put them in the fridge then sat down on the couch to relax.</p><p><br/>“I’ve realized that the older I get, the more tired I get from doing the smallest tasks,” Castiel laughed as he ran his hands through Dean’s hair. Dean was laying his head on Castiel’s as they sat on the couch, the TV playing quietly in the background.</p><p><br/>“Okay old man, open your gift,” Dean purred into his ear as he sat up to drink the last of the wine</p><p>.<br/>The gift was contained in a big box wrapped in a black and gold gift wrapper with a gold ribbon tied neatly into a bow on top of it. Castiel was not sure what to expect, it was his thirty-second birthday, and he had everything he could ever need so he was curious to see what was inside. He dug through blue gift tissues, and the first thing he happened upon was a note on a black and gold card.</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After reading the card, he felt his eyes sting with unshed tears and his chest swell with love. His stomach also decided to join in the fun and started fluttering with butterflies. His heart thudded in his chest when he opened the box and inside he found a custom-made portrait folder for his portfolio, a custom-made journal for his poems, camera lens upgrades for his camera, and a quill pen with an array of bottles of various colors of ink to write.</p><p><br/>“I love you so much,” Castiel choked out attempting to keep the tears at bay. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he kept saying while peppering Dean with kisses all over his face before finally kissing him on the mouth.</p><p><br/>“I love you more,” Dean whispered as soon as their lips were separated. They were both panting. “I have one more gift for you if you will meet me in the bedroom.”</p><p><br/>Castiel’s heart thudded so fast when he heard what Dean said and almost choked on his tongue when Dean spanked him then walked away towards the bedroom. Castiel briskly followed him and when he opened the bedroom door and Dean slammed him on it and kissed him like his life depended on it. They had been here before, exchanging hungry kisses that ended up with them hard and panting sometimes coming in the pants. Castiel was fine with it and as much as he wanted to fuck Dean to oblivion, he wanted him to be ready first. He wanted him to take the lead when it came to it. He hadn’t taken things further so far, so Castiel was used to taking care of himself.</p><p>Dean stopped kissing him and walked towards the bed, he had taken over the right side of the bed since he spent most of his weekends at Castiel’s. He walked there and pulled an envelope out of the bedside table and handed it to Castiel. He seemed shy about it as he bit his lip and sat on the bed and fiddled with his shirt.</p><p>Castiel figured it was another gift so he opened it with curiosity on his face. The envelope was light and thin, could be plane tickets or tickets for something. He was so excited but his face fell when he saw a doctor’s report with test results attached.</p><p>“Dean, what is this?” Castiel asked, scared to read further. <em>Was Dean sick? Was it serious? Was Dean dying? Oh God, he couldn’t lose him</em>. “Are you sick?”</p><p>“What? No. Just keep reading,” Dean smiled at him.</p><p>To his relief, they were test results for STIs, Dean was clean.</p><p>“Wow, I uh...I wasn’t expecting this. I thought you were sick or worse-”</p><p><em>Shit!</em> “Oh, I didn’t think that it would make you feel like that. I’m sorry. I just saw your results the other day and I figured I should also do the same.”</p><p>“You don’t think I did it so we can, you know- I do it every year to make sure I’m okay. You know?”</p><p>“Yeah, never done it before, myself,” Dean muttered. Castiel almost didn’t catch what he was saying so he moved to sit next to him on the bed. “I did it for you.” Dean looked up at him, his green eyes were so sincere and somewhat scared.</p><p>“Really? You didn’t need to, Dean. I mean it’s not like we are-” Castiel started explaining but Dean didn’t let him finish because he kissed him with fervor.</p><p>“I know, babe. But I’m ready. I want you,” Dean all but hummed that out as he kissed Castiel’s ear. “And I wanted to be sure that I was clean because I want to feel every inch of you inside me without any barriers.”</p><p>For a moment, Castiel couldn’t breathe. He was shocked and excited at the same time. He had figured that when Dean asked him to join him in the bedroom it was for a heavy make-out session but this? He wasn’t expecting this.</p><p>Castiel cleared his throat and managed to choke out, “Are you sure? I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to because of me.”</p><p>“I've thought about it and talked with Mildred about it too. I think it's time I stopped the past from ruining my life. I am living in the <em>now</em> with you. I trust you with my life and my heart, and now I'm trusting you with my body too,” Dean said, holding Castiel’s perfect face in his hands. His big blue eyes danced with excitement, desire, and maybe uncertainty, so Dean kissed his cheekbones and then his nose. “I'm done being afraid. I’m tired of hiding. I want you, Cas. All of you.”</p><p>Castiel smiled and then kissed Dean. There was so much love poured into that kiss, it made Dean's heart swell.</p><p>“If you want to stop at any point, just say it, okay?” Castiel said then kissed Dean’s cheek.</p><p>“Okay babe. Now get on with it, we've both waited twelve years for this,” Dean smirked looking up at Castiel. "If I wait one more minute I'm afraid I might die."</p><p>Castiel searched Dean’s hazel eyes for doubt or fear, but all he saw was love and a brewing storm of desire. His pupils were blown and his pink pouty lips were just so inviting, so he kissed him like he had never kissed anyone before. Dean moaned into the kiss.</p><p>Castiel then moved to his neck because he remembered from a decade ago how Dean liked it. He also remembered to kiss behind Dean’s ear, he knew that was his weak spot. Within a few minutes, Dean was a panting mess. He had started unbuttoning Casyiel’s shirt with shaking fingers. Once Castiel’s shirt was off, he drank him in. His broad chest, his skin tone was the color of gold, how he managed to get his skin like that Dean could not fathom. Then there it was, that tiny bit of black ink that had always peeked out of Castiel’s t-shirt.</p><p>They had seen each other naked, at least their upper torsos, he had also seen the whole tattoo and how the huge wings covered Castiel’s back and stretched out to his upper arm but he never asked about it. However, he was curious to know what it was all about. Their bodies had changed over the course of a decade. He had thought Castiel’s tattoos were one of the additions on his body that he found made him sexier than he already was. Right now was not the time to ask about it though, maybe later.</p><p>All he wanted at the moment was to worship Castiel’s body. On his left side of the chest was a bleeding heart with the letter A inside it and below it was a small cross. Dean stopped kissing him and moved to lie on the bed so Castiel’s body was draped on him.</p><p>They kept kissing until Dean sat up to remove his henley and Castiel saw it. His freckled chest that used to be lean was now broad and muscular. He had a tattoo of a pentagram with what seemed like the sun around it on his chest. His muscular arms also had a double wavy lines tattoo. He had one more tattoo on his wrist that looked like a crown, Sam had one too, but Castiel had never asked about it. He had learned to always tread carefully with Dean, so he kept kissing his chest. He wished he could kiss all the freckles on his chest but there wasn’t enough time in the world to do it. He moved to lick his nipples which made Dean moan louder and his cock got harder.</p><p>Castiel kept worshipping Dean’s body-kissing down his chest, down his not-so-perfect abs which Castiel loved, down his happy trail until he got to the waistline of his jeans. Dean wasn’t wearing a belt but before he proceeded further, Castiel looked up at Dean who in turn looked back at him and nodded. Castiel didn’t need to be told twice.</p><p>He opened the button of his skinny jeans, Dean raised his ass so Castiel could pull them off, <em>shit</em>, he wasn’t wearing any underwear and his cock was just laying there in all its glory and all Castiel wanted to do was taste it. But first, the skinny jeans. It was hard getting them off Dean’s muscular legs but after a couple of minutes of trying and frustrated groans from Castiel as well as chuckles from Dean, they came off.</p><p>Castiel had waited long enough, so he moved up Dean’s body and kissed his cock from root to tip and then put it in his mouth and moaned. It tasted so good. It was all Dean, it was warm and smooth and Castiel could spend all his life doing this. He licked, sucked, played with his balls, caressed his perineum, and that drove Dean mad.</p><p>“Cas, stop, I’m gonna-” he moaned and Castiel stopped.</p><p>“Sorry, I got carried away,” Castiel apologized.</p><p>“Hey don’t apologize, I just don’t want this to end so quickly. Now take off those pants and fuck me,” Dean panted.</p><p>Castiel didn’t need to be told twice. He got off the bed, which garnered a disappointed groan from Dean, and he pulled his jeans off together with his boxers in one swift motion. He got the lube out of his bedside drawer and set it on the bed and then he was back on the bed, his warm body draping over Dean’s and he was kissing him again.</p><p>He then went back down to kiss Dean’s cock, and then he spread Dean’s legs folding them over Dean’s chest. He spread his ass cheeks and just admired his puckered hole. It was so tight, pink, and perfect that he thought he might die if he did not taste it. His cock leaked precome like crazy and he just had to taste it, so he did.</p><p>It didn’t take long before he was tongue-fucking Dean, reducing him to a whimpering mess. Castiel was so lost in his ministrations of pleasing Dean that he got startled when Dean tapped his head urging him to stop because he was teetering on the edge of orgasm once more.</p><p>Castiel wanted to make sure that Dean's body was relaxed and ready enough for him, so he coated his fingers with lube and fingered him open, one finger at a time until he could fuck him with three fingers without much resistance. Dean was writhing on the bed, his thighs shaking, his chest and cheeks flushed. The room was getting too hot.</p><p>“Please, Cas, just do it,” Dean begged.</p><p>“Okay. I think you are ready,” Castiel smirked as he reached for the lube and lubed up his cock.</p><p>“You think?” Dean snarked.</p><p>“Just tell me to stop if it’s too much, or if you want me to stop for any reason. Okay?” Castiel said again, soothingly rubbing Dean’s thigh. Dean nodded, and they both understood why Castiel had said that twice, but neither of them wanted to think about it. They couldn’t let it ruin this beautiful moment between them.</p><p>Castiel pushed in, the resistance was intense at first and Dean moved uncomfortably and winced. Castiel was patient and he kissed him through it while rubbing his thighs soothingly. When he was sure that Dean was ready for more, he pushed in until he was all the way inside Dean’s tight heat. It was perfect, Castiel assumed that this is how heaven felt like because it was the best feeling in the world-getting to make love to Dean after all these years. Castiel was on the edge, and when he looked at Dean’s beautiful face it all became too much.</p><p>It took everything within him to start rocking inside Dean without coming on the spot. He kept the pace slow and steady which made Dean moan a little too loudly. However, Castiel did not mind, it was just the two of them and his neighbor was way too far away to hear anything, and even if they did hear them, so what? He didn’t care, all he cared about was Dean. His moans and groans were the sweetest melodies he had ever heard. The way he said, “Cas, Caaas-just like that babe,” was driving Castiel mad as he rocked slowly inside him. Dean had begged him to fuck him harder but Castiel did not oblige because he knew he would come way too fast. He also wanted them both to savor this moment that they had waited for for so long.</p><p>He kept at it, fucking Dean slowly while kissing every inch of his body that he could reach, he was perfect and even more so like this.</p><p>At some point, their eyes locked and all Castiel could say was, “I love you Dean. I love you so much.” Dean looked back at him with so much love and adoration and replied, “I love you too, babe. More than anything,” while interlacing their fingers.</p><p>Then, Dean moaned so loud and his thighs spasmed and at that moment, Castiel knew that he had found his prostate so he dragged his cock there over and over. Dean was going out of his mind moaning, “please, please, please.” He didn't say what he was begging for, but he knew Castiel understood and would give it to him.</p><p>The next thing Castiel knew, Dean’s legs were wrapped tightly around his waist, his thighs were shaking, and his hands were digging painfully into Castiel’s back coming on his chest and stomach and some of it on his face as he moaned “Cas." Dean's ass clenched tightly around Castiel’s cock, his toes curling. Dean's face at that moment was ethereal, and if nothing else sent Castiel over the edge, Dean's face did. Castiel barely managed one more thrust before his body stilled and then he came with a silent cry nibbling at Dean’s neck. He fell on Dean's chest and they held each other through their orgasms then lay there, their limbs intertwined for a while until Castiel pulled out of Dean slowly and slumped next to him, their limbs never parting.</p><p>Neither of them moved for what felt like hours and the come on Dean’s body was starting to get crusty. Eventually, Castiel got up on shaky legs and came back with a hot towel, and cleaned Dean and himself up. He took the towel back to the bathroom and helped Dean get inside the bed and covered them both.</p><p>“What was that?” Dean asked as he snuggled into Castiel’s chest.</p><p>“What was what?” Castiel was confused, he didn’t know what Dean was asking.</p><p>“The way I came. You didn’t jerk me off. I didn’t jerk myself off. That has never happened before.” Dean said perplexed.</p><p>“Oh, that?” Castiel laughed. “It’s called prostate stimulation.”</p><p>“I thought coming untouched only happened to women.” Dean was still confused.</p><p>Castiel laughed and continued, “Some people can come without jerking off but others prefer to do both. They say it feels better when it’s both. Did you like it?”</p><p>“Liked it? Babe, that was so intense and amazing. My thighs are still shaking and I can’t feel my hands or legs!” Dean snorted. “Best sex I’ve ever had.”</p><p>“Glad to hear it,” Castiel kissed his hair which smelled like citrus. “Are you okay?”</p><p>Dean huffed. He knew why Castiel was asking him that, but he didn’t want to talk about it, not now at least. “Never felt better. I love you, Cas.”</p><p>“I love you too, Dean,” Castiel replied knowing that Dean was not going to talk about it, but he was glad he had given him a great experience that he hoped one day would erase all the pain and shame he had suffered over the years.</p><p>They talked for a while and soon Dean was asleep on Castiel's chest making the most beautiful noises, his mouth slightly open. Castiel smiled and fell asleep holding him.</p><p>In the middle of the night, Castiel was woken up by Dean straddling his thighs and grinding on his cock.</p><p>“Fuck me,” Dean whispered as he nibbled on his ear.</p><p>Castiel didn’t say anything; he just crushed their lips together and flipped them so Dean was laying on his back as he got the lube and opened him up slowly. It didn’t take long to open him up this time since he was already stretched from a few hours ago and the come from earlier helped a bit with the lubrication.</p><p>Soon, Castiel was fucking Dean who kept saying, “Don’t stop baby. Don’t stop. That feels so good, oh god, right there...ahhh,” and for some reason this made Castiel’s heart swell and he almost cried. Castiel’s cock was hitting Dean's prostate perfectly until he came untouched again, screaming Castiel’s name. This time, one of Dean’s hands was gripping the headboard hard while the other one was clenching the sheets. It didn’t take long before Castiel came, kissing Dean's jaw.</p><p>Once he pulled out, he took some tissues from the bedside table and wiped both of them clean. Dean went to sleep immediately after snuggled in Castiel’s chest.</p><p>The next time Castiel woke up, Dean was caressing his arm. They had somehow changed positions at night and now Castiel was the little spoon with Dean’s morning wood pressing hard on his ass.</p><p>“Good Morning sunshine,” Dean greeted when Castiel stirred and rubbed Dean’s hand. “Ready for round three?”</p><p>“Good Morning, Dean. I’m afraid you wore me out,” Castiel quipped, turning around to face Dean who was pouting, but he looked so gorgeous in the semi-darkness of the room.</p><p>“Little Cas seems to disagree,” Dean laughed, this time kissing Castiel, morning breath be damned, they had forgotten to brush their teeth but who cared about such trivial things when the love of your life made love to you twice for the first time in over a decade?</p><p>“You traitor,” Castiel reprimanded his cock, Dean snorted. It was one of the most beautiful sounds Castiel had heard all morning.</p><p>“How about you just lie there and I’ll do all the work?” Dean suggested, straddling Castiel's hips. Before Castiel could say anything, Dean was lubing Castiel’s cock and then he sank down on it. They both moaned out in pleasure when he bottomed out.</p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>. I seem to have created a monster,” Castiel moaned and Dean laughed. “You’re insatiable.”</p><p>“You know me-I aim to please,” Dean laughed as he snapped his hips and then started moving in small circular motions. Castiel was dizzy from all the pleasure. Dean knew what he was doing.</p><p>His movements made his cock bounce up and down hitting Castiel’s stomach. He started moving faster, and at one point his hands rested on Castiel’s chest, then they moved to seek purchase on the headboard, and then he moved them to run through his short blond hair making it stand up in spikes, his eyes were closed and his pouty mouth hung open in a perfect O as he came all over Castiel’s stomach, thighs shaking. He then got off Castiel and sucked him off until he came. <em>Ass to mouth, that's fucking sexy</em>, Castiel thought the entire time Dean was sucking him off.</p><p>Castiel didn’t speak for the next fifteen minutes or so because he couldn’t feel his legs and his body was all tingly. He just lay there sated as Dean peppered his face with kisses and ran his big hands on the tattoos on Castiel’s chest.</p><p>“What do these mean,” Dean asked after a while. Castiel turned to face him and smiled lazily.</p><p>“The cross is to remind me that I am strong and alive. It is actually an extension of the bleeding heart tattoo. I did it for Alfie, you know, my baby brother. It reminds me that although he died and it hurt like hell, I am alive and I should be strong and keep fighting to live,” he explained running his fingers on the tiny cross.</p><p>“That’s deep. I thought it had some religious connotations. I’m sorry to remind you of your brother,” Dean apologized.</p><p>“Don’t be sorry. I put the bleeding heart one on my skin to remind me of him, I carry him with me every day, he isn’t really gone, you know.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Dean sighed. “What about the wings? They are so sexy and gorgeous the way they cover your back,” Dean said, caressing Castiel’s arm where the extension of the wings was.</p><p>“Promise not to laugh,” Castiel said. Dean frowned.</p><p>“Why would I laugh?” Dean was confused. "The wings are pretty badass."</p><p>“You'd think so,” Castiel said in his gruff voice and gave Dean a stern look. "But I need you to promise not to laugh though."</p><p>“Fine. I won’t laugh. Pinky promise,” Dean promised with a serious look on his face then burst out laughing as their pinkies curled together. Castiel gave him a stern look so he stopped laughing and mimed zipping his mouth.</p><p>“Well, when I was young, about eight, my mom told me that we were named after angels. She often called us-Hannah, myself, and Alfie- her little angels. I think that got to me in more ways than one and I believed I was an angel. So one time we went to visit my godmother, Rowena, on her farm in Scotland. She had this chicken coop with hundreds of chickens. I went in there one day and started picking up all the shed feathers and tried to glue them together, attaching them to my back so I could fly. I fell and bruised my arm trying to jump off the staircase. When my half-brother Nick saw me, he started laughing and teasing me calling me feathers. Soon everyone started calling me that and I would often cry about it. It's only Zar who was nice about it and never made fun of me, he said that I was truly an angel, and so did my mom. That is the real reason I got the wings. It was an act of reclaiming the insult and making a statement,” Castiel laughed, “But if anyone asks, it’s because I am named after the Angel of Thursday.”</p><p>"Wow, babe...that's powerful. I know what family bullying you can do to someone. I’m glad you reclaimed the insult and owned it,” Dean said softly and kissed Castiel. “My handsome angel.”</p><p>“Dean,” Castiel was blushing.</p><p>“Yes, you are. I don’t even know what you see in me.”</p><p>“I won’t justify that with an answer. You just have to believe that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me,” Castiel kissed him. This talk was getting too emotional so he tried to divert it. “Tell me about this,” he was pointing at the pentagram.</p><p>Dean laughed, “It was a silly thing between me and Sam. We believed that our L.A. house was haunted, so Sam came across some lore books that said a pentagram, as most people know it, or in actuality, an anti possession sign, would ward off all evil, so we went and got one each and that’s it.”</p><p>“That’s smart. Did it work?” Castiel asked sheepishly.</p><p>“I am here. Aren’t I?” They both laughed. That was a good answer.</p><p>"And the other two?”</p><p>“Well, the wavy lines on my arm are my birth sign, Aquarius. It doesn’t mean much, I just thought I’d put it there. It reminds me of who I am," he smiled and caressed his arm. Then he got a sad look on his face as if he remembered something sad. "The crown...we uh...we got it with my dad before he passed," he swallowed and tears walked his eyes. "Do you know he had stopped drinking by the time Sam finished high school? He was going to AA and making amends. Twelve steps and stuff you know," he sniffled. "Two years into the program he started seeing some lady. He denied that they were dating but well, I think they were. He even apologized for all the shit he put us through. Not that a simple sorry could undo the damage he had done but well, it was something. Long story short, one day he told us that since we weren’t rich enough to have a family crest, getting a symbol to represent us would be our family crest." They both laughed at that. "Anyway, one evening after dinner and a movie we ended up in a tattoo parlor. It was supposed to be a simple W on our wrists but when his tattoo was done he looked at it and said, ‘this is lame boys, we may be Winchesters but we are also warriors, kings. We are survivors. Why don’t we make it a crown instead’ and that’s how we got these,” Dean finished a tear rolling down his cheek.</p><p>“Oh Dean, I’m so sorry about your dad. I didn’t know,” Castiel consoled him, hugging Dean to his chest, kissing his hair.</p><p>“It’s okay, I didn’t think it would make me emotional, it was so long ago,” he sniffled. Castiel held him and peppered him with kisses until he was smiling again.</p><p>Later, they took a shower together and jerked each other off, had breakfast, and went to Brooklyn where Dean had organized a surprise party for him.</p><p> </p><p>Their relationship blossomed into a beautiful thing. Maybe it was because they were best friends. It seemed to bloom into something more every time they took another step in their relationship.</p><p>Castiel had expected that it would be hard for Dean to even talk about sex, let alone have it. However, Dean had surprised him because he always seemed to be in the mood for it, he was insatiable. Even when Castiel was worn out and his dick lay there soft and worn out, Dean wanted more. So, Castiel would go down on him- eating him out, blowing him, finger fucking him or all of them combined until Dean was sated he could barely lift a finger.</p><p>However, their sex life was not always sexy-Dean had some dark days.</p><p>Dean was in the kitchen preparing himself a snack when Castiel walked behind him and kissed his neck. The sandwich that Dean was making looked delicious, but Dean looked more delicious. They had been having a lot of sex lately that all Castiel wanted to do was jump Dean’s bones.</p><p>“That looks delicious, can I have one too?” Castiel asked and kept kissing his neck then he moved his hands inside Dean’s t-shirt tweaking his left nipple. Then he whispered in his ear, “I know I said that I wanted that sandwich but I want to devour you first.” Dean huffed then shrugged him off. Castiel frowned but he didn’t say anything so he backed off and went to wait for his snack at the living room. Dean seemed angry at him for some reason so Castiel decided to give him time.</p><p>After they had finished eating, Castiel was sitting on the sofa with Dean seated on the floor scrolling through the channels, his body between Castiel’s legs.</p><p>Castiel ran his long fingers in Dean’s hair making Dean moan. He kept going on with his ministrations which escalated to him wanting to have his hands and mouth all over Dean. He moved to join Dean on the floor and kissed his lips but Dean pushed him off.</p><p>“Okay, what’s going on? Did I...” Castiel faltered, “Did I do something wrong?”</p><p>“What?” Dean was confused.</p><p>“I’ve tried touching you and you keep pushing me away. I thought you liked having sex,” Castiel explained. He wasn’t frustrated but he was confused. “ I mean you're insatiable so I just thought..." Castiel trailer off.</p><p>Dean looked at him and shook his head, “Is sex all you want, Cas? Seriously? Can’t we just chill and I don’t know, watch TV like normal people?”</p><p>“I guess we can do that,” Castiel said quietly and went to sit back on the sofa. He was hurt but he knew Dean was upset for a reason but he didn’t press.</p><p>Later, when Castiel was laying on the sofa reading something on his iPad Dean straddled him and kissed his neck. Castiel looked up at his boyfriend and the look in Dean’s eyes stirred him up. His pupils had eaten his irises and he was stark naked looking at Castiel like he wanted to devour him.</p><p>“I want you to fuck me,” Dean whispered as he kissed Castiel’s ear trying to tug his boyfriend’s shirt off while his other hand was busy trying to remove his pants, "Fuck me, hard." Castiel looked at him quizzically.</p><p>“Slow down tiger. What has gotten into you today?” Castiel asked, placing his iPad on the side table.</p><p><br/>“Wow, way to kill the mood. Can’t I just be turned on? I just want to suck you off and have you fuck me hard,” Dean said exasperated, laboring to get himself back on his feet his brow furrowed and mouth twisted in a thin line.</p><p><br/>Castiel did not need any more convincing.</p><p><br/>“Hey, hey, hey. C’mere” Castiel said, pulling Dean towards him. “I want to give you whatever you need or want,” Castiel indulged him. He wanted this. Dean wanted this and Castiel's job was to make him happy.</p><p><br/>“Then what are you waiting for, get out of those pants!” Dean commanded.</p><p><br/>He watched as Castiel swiftly got up from the sofa and in a fraction of a second, his sweatpants were flying above his head and on the table behind him. He was not wearing boxers so his cock sprung to life and Dean licked his lips. He was feeling guilty about what had happened earlier. He got on his knees, ran his hand on the smooth skin of Castiel's semi-hard member and lapped the head of Castiel’s cock and chuckled when he felt him shudder.</p><p><br/>Castiel shuddered and moaned a little too desperately, again, as he felt his cock enveloped in the hot wet heat of Dean's mouth. Dean sucked the head and lapped his tongue ever so expertly, licking the precome and the underside of the head as he jerked him. Then without warning, he had swallowed him whole. He could feel the head of his cock hit the back of his throat as he applied vacuum-like suction moving up and down. Somehow his tongue was moving along the length as he sucked and fondled his balls. There was too much going on that he thought he was losing his mind.</p><p><br/>Dean was sucking, lapping his tongue on the head, hands fondling Castiel's balls, caressing his inner thighs, jerking him. A few times Dean had looked up at him under hooded eyes and long lashes while his mouth was still on his cock. His lips were plump and wet, and when he made that humming sound at the back of his throat Castiel almost came. It was all too much. He felt that familiar coil of heat to release in his belly but he did not want to come yet.</p><p><br/>He gently nudged Dean, an indication that he wanted him to stop, but Dean was so into it that he did not feel him and if he did, he had blatantly ignored him.</p><p><br/>“Deeaan, stop,” he said in a hoarse lust-filled voice that he almost thought Dean didn’t hear him again but this time he stopped with one last lick from his balls to the head of his cock. Castiel shuddered. He had a hunger inside him now, he wanted Dean so bad and he would fuck him the way he had asked to be fucked. Hard.</p><p><br/>Dean reached for the lube that was on the floor next to him, opened it and generously lubed his boyfriend's cock giving it a few pumps. Dean straddled Castiel, kissed him one last time and then sank on his cock at an agonizingly slow speed.</p><p>“Dean. That feels…” Castiel moaned, “Amazing.<em> Fuck</em>!”</p><p>“Yeah? You like that big guy?” Dean asked with a smirk on his face picking up speed, Castiel could not keep up with him. He was moving too fast and he felt amazing and looking up at Dean taking control like this drove Castiel crazy.</p><p>“Mmm...like that baby,” Dean keened when Castiel caught up with him and met him thrust for thrust and hit his prostate just right. Dean kept him at that angle grinding his hips so that his boyfriend's cock was dragging against that spot.</p><p>Castiel kneaded Dean’s ass and spread his cheeks a little bit making Dean sink further onto his cock, taking all of him, and somehow that sent him over the edge because he came so hard, his whole body shaking and Castiel’s name on his lips. Castiel thought Dean would get off of him but he kept riding him, his eyes screwed shut, biting his bottom lip, his hands alternating running up and down Castiel’s chest and tweaking his nipples under his t-shirt that they had somehow forgotten to take off. The sensations were too much for Castiel and he came so hard he almost fell off the sofa.</p><p>Dean fell on his chest, Castiel’s soft cock still inside him but neither of them seemed to mind. Then Castiel felt Dean’s body shake and something hot and wet pool on his chest.</p><p>“Dean?” Castiel raised Dean’s face from where it was buried in his chest and saw that he was crying. “Dean, I’m so sorry. Did I hurt you? <em>Shit. Shit.</em> I’m so sorry. I should’ve known I was too rough.”</p><p>“S...not you,” Dean croaked out and slid off his boyfriend’s cock and stood up. He took his t-shirt where he had discarded it on the floor and cleaned both of them up and then he wore his sweatpants. Castiel did the same and stood up on jelly legs.</p><p>“If it’s not me then what’s going on? I mean it hurts me to see you like this, talk to me,” Castiel pleaded while rubbing his back soothingly. Dean turned to look at Castiel who looked like he was regretting what had just happened but he still had love and concern in his eyes.</p><p>“I don’t know. I just…” Dean faltered and moved to sit on the sofa. Castiel joined him. “ Earlier, I didn’t want you to touch me because I felt disgusted by myself. This feeling of dread and disgust overcame me and when you touched me, it felt like I was tainting you, somehow.”</p><p>“Dean, you can never, have never, and will never disgust me. I love you,” Castiel soothed.</p><p>“It’s just a feeling I got and then when I saw you lying there all I wanted is for you to want me. But I also wanted to be in control. To watch you come apart beneath me.”</p><p>“You wanted to fuck me? Be inside me?”</p><p>“No. I just wanted to have all the power. I didn’t want you to have any over me. I'm disgusting!” Dean was crying and Castiel moved to hold him.</p><p>“Hey, none of that, you hear me? If you want to take control, just go ahead and do it if that’s what you want. Okay?” Castiel assured him. “And if you ever need to talk, you know I’m always here, okay?”</p><p>“Okay,” Dean sniffled and Castiel kissed his temple.</p><p>“But let’s make one thing clear, you are not disgusting, okay? I loved seeing you in control. It was the second hottest thing I have ever experienced.”</p><p>“Second? What’s the first?”</p><p>“You.”</p><p>Dean smiled and wiped his tears as Castiel held him in his arms until he was smiling again.</p><p>Dean was asleep now. Castiel was holding him while running his hand lazily along his back. Castiel's mind wandered to what just happened, he had been confused at first because he didn't understand why Dean had been acting the way he had. He wished he could fully understand so he could help him because it broke his heart to see his boyfriend hurting like that, but he realized that he would never understand.</p><p>After Dean had explained why he had done it, he had gotten some insight. He knew now that the best thing he could do was be there for him.</p><p>On such days, Castiel was always there for Dean and he gave him whatever he needed and assured him that it was okay. Dean never said anything back, he just clung onto Castiel and snuggled so deep in his chest that he couldn’t move but he was okay with it if it meant Dean would be okay.</p><p>The only thing Castiel wished was that there was something he could do to take that darkness from him. Something more than watching helplessly as Dean struggled because of what that monster had done to him. He hoped that one day he would get that chance, to make things right.</p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dean meets the Shurleys, drama ensues.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This Chapter has come a few days late because my amazing better is going through it at school and she did her best to juggle both this story and her work. So  I hope that you haven't abandoned this story yet because more is coming next week. Thank you for bearing with me.</p><p>xx bisousxx</p><p>enjoy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> <strong>“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for – and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool – for love – for your dreams – for the adventure of being alive.” - Oriah Mountain Dreamer.</strong> </em>
</p><p>Castiel sat up on the sofa wrapping his strong tan arms around Dean’s back. Dean was straddling Castiel’s lap rolling his hips in those small circles that seemed to drive Castiel mad. His fingers were gently holding to the back of Castiel's neck, his thumb caressing the curls that lay there. There was a sheen of sweat forming as their movements became more erratic. Dean was alternating between whispering sweet nothings in Castiel’s ear and nibbling it. Castiel fucked slowly and meticulously into him every time Dean rolled his hips. They were so good at this, it was as if they were made for each other.</p><p>“Oh, <em>fuck</em>, I love you. Oh...I’m gonna...nngh…,” Dean moaned as he came on Castiel’s stomach from where their bodies were joined. His hips were stuttering and erratic, but he didn’t stop moving until Castiel came with a silent cry. They stayed like that for a while, Castiel’s arms wrapped around Dean as they peppered each other with kisses.</p><p>They had been together for a little over a year now. Life was mostly good and Dean seemed to be adjusting to their relationship well. He still had some difficult days when it came to sex, but Castiel was patient with him. They found time for each other between busy workdays, like meeting up for coffee whenever they got a break. Sometimes when Dean was working late, Castiel would get him dinner from some of his favorite restaurants and they would eat together.</p><p>On weekends, they would go to drive-ins, film festivals whenever there was one, or on out-of-town adventures. Castiel seemed to love riding bikes through East village on Sunday as they shopped at the farmer’s market. Dean hated the riding the bikes part but loved buying produce to make the new recipes he had gotten from his culinary lessons in the summer. Other times they would spend lazy mornings in bed making love until they were sticky with sweat and had to take a shower or until they got hungry or thirsty.</p><p>Neither of them could have asked for anything more than what they had with each other. Their lives were even fuller because of their found family that they got to hang out with almost every Sunday evening.</p><p>“So, I want you to meet my family,” Castiel said plainly, lazily caressing Dean’s arm as they were cuddling on the couch. They had somehow managed to detangle from each other and clean up. They were now watching a lifetime movie that they weren’t paying too much attention to. "You’ve already met Zar of course, but everyone else keeps asking after you,” Castiel continued.</p><p>“Cas, that’s-that’s ...that’s a big step, are you sure?” Dean asked, turning his head slightly to look at Castiel.</p><p>“Yes. We’ve been together for a year now and I feel like we are both ready for that step. Besides, I have already met your family,” Castiel said and started tickling him. Dean broke into a fit of giggles and tried slapping his boyfriend's hands away but was unsuccessful.</p><p>“Babe stop it!” Dean shrieked between giggles.</p><p>“Not until you say yes,” Castiel kept ticking him.</p><p>“Yes! Yes! I’ll meet your family,” Dean shrieked again and Castiel stopped tickling him immediately.</p><p>“That’s great because I kind of told them we’d be joining them at our family ranch in California on New Year’s Eve,” Castiel confessed, kissing Dean’s cheek.</p><p>“What?” Dean sat up abruptly. “Today's December 15th."</p><p>"And?" Castiel asked confused looking up at Dean from where he lay on the sofa.</p><p>"What do you mean 'And?' Babe it's too soon. The date that is. I thought I would have more time.” He was spiraling.</p><p>“Time to do what?” Castiel laughed.</p><p>“Time to prepare. I mean your dad is the richest man in New York. He’s also my favorite author. And let's not forget he’s besties with my bosses. Can’t we do it some other time? Say in March next year or something?”</p><p>“I already RSVPd. It’s a whole thing that my mom has organized, and, since everyone will be there and happy, I thought it would be perfect for you to meet them then.”</p><p>“I’m scared, I’ve never met a billionaire before,” Dean said quietly and turned to face Castiel a blank stare on his face.</p><p>"There's nothing special about them. They are just like you and me."</p><p>"What do you mean like you and me? What's wrong with us?"</p><p>“Well, you’ve met me,” Castiel laughed. “I may not be a billionaire, but I am close, and I’m pretty normal.”</p><p>“<em>Shit!</em> Yeah, I keep forgetting you’re rich.”</p><p>“Am I that bland?”</p><p>“No, it’s because you are you. You’re Cas. <em>My Cas</em>,” Dean said as if it was the most obvious answer in the world, looking at his boyfriend adoringly. Dean always forgot that Castiel was rich because he wasn't like other rich people. He was aware of his priviledge but he never let it get to his head. He was the most caring and down to earth person Dean had ever met. He could blend in anywhere and although he wasn't a social butterfly, people always seemed to be drawn to him for some reason.</p><p>“Oh. Thanks,” Castiel mumbled, playing with the hem of the blanket that was covering them both.</p><p>How much are we talking?” Dean asked after a long comfortable pause</p><p>“How much am I worth?” Castiel eyed Dean’s five o’clock shadow and got the urge to nuzzle it. He always loved the feeling of Dean’s growing beard on his face.</p><p>“Yeah.” Dean’s response was soft as if he was holding his breath in.</p><p>“Last I checked around three fifty,” Castiel said as his urge to nuzzle Dean’s face got urgent.</p><p>"Three hundred and fifty million?"Dean shrieked and sat up abruptly and almost knocked Castiel’s face with his head. Castiel sat up too and the look on Dean’s face scared him. Dean looked like he had seen a ghost or something, his face was slightly pale and his eyes wide. Castiel didn’t know what to feel about it, he hoped that this wouldn’t be the one thing that scared Dean away.</p><p>"Yeah," Castiel replied softly, not wanting to scare Dean further.</p><p>“Dollars?” Dean was gawking at him now, eyes wider than before and his mouth hanging open as if he had forgotten how to close it.</p><p>“Yeah,” Castiel whispered.</p><p>“Wow. When did you last check exactly?” Dean inquired further, his face less shocked now, but he still looked like he had just received some rather disturbing news.</p><p>Castiel didn’t like where this was going, his heart was thudding in his chest and he was waiting for the other shoe to drop any moment now. Dean had just found out he was meeting the Shurleys and that his boyfriend was a multi-millionaire. It had to be too much, right?</p><p>“Three years ago,” Castiel whispered again and eyed Dean curiously.</p><p>“Wow.” Dean looked at him and shook his head. “And now?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Castiel shrugged and finally asked, “Why are we talking about this?”</p><p>“I don’t know. It’s better than me freaking out about meeting your family, I guess,” Dean stated the obvious. “But knowing how much you are worth is making me freak out more.”<em> Shit! What had he gotten himself into?</em></p><p>“Hey, hey, it’s just money, okay? I made some investments when I was younger and the reward was more than I expected,” Castiel explained but this didn’t make Dean feel any better, his mouth opened to say something but whatever it was, it died in his throat.</p><p>“Can I make those investments too?” Dean blurted out after pondering for a minute or so. “I also want to be as successful as you.”</p><p>“Y..yeah, sure!” Castiel whooped and his happiness came out as one sigh of relief. Thank God Dean had decided that he needed to be in on the success and not run away from it.</p><p>“But I’m still scared about meeting your family,” Dean whined, “I’m not good with parents.”</p><p>“Calm down. I will be with you the whole time. And to be honest, they will like you more than they like me anyway,” Castiel soothed him and they moved to lie back on the sofa, Castiel rubbing along Dean’s arm soothingly.</p><p>“I doubt that.”</p><p>“If they see in you even a fraction of what I see in you, then trust me, you don’t have anything to worry about.”</p><p>“Promise?”</p><p>“I promise.” Castiel kissed him and Dean seemed to settle down for a moment and went back to snuggling under the blanket on the couch with him.</p><p>They had just gotten comfortable when Dean started grinding his ass on Castiel's cock which led to Castiel fucking him from behind with one of Dean's legs propped over his thigh. It was rough at first as they exchanged sloppy open-mouthed kisses still dressed in their t-shirts. But then it turned slow and sensual with Castiel running his hand under Dean's t-shirt while tweaking his hard nipples. Dean keened when Castiel paired the nipple tweaking with a kiss behind his ear. Then he sucked and nibbled on Dean's neck making him come with Castiel's name on his lips and as the last syllable died on his tongue, Castiel came, biting down on Dean's neck, marking him both inside and out- mine.</p><p>Once they had cleaned up and settled down again, Dean decided to be a good sport.</p><p>“Tell me about everyone,” he said intertwining his fingers with Castiel’s.</p><p>“Well...let's see. Gabriel won't be there, I think he's in Monaco. Hannah will be bringing her husband, so you'll get to meet them both. Oh, my mom was an equestrian, so pack your riding boots…”</p><p><br/>
➤➤➤</p><p><br/>
It was warm when they landed, a sharp contrast to the cold winter in New York. It had been a perfect journey so far, apart from Dean freaking out for being on a plane. Castiel had given him a mind-blowing blowjob to calm his nerves, but it only helped a little. Castiel had to sit adjacent to Dean the entire flight from New York to California, Dean crushing his hand with how hard he gripped it every time they hit turbulence.</p><p><br/>
“It’s okay, Dean,” Castiel soothed as he sipped the smooth McCallan the air hostess had poured them.</p><p><br/>
“I told you I don’t like flying,” Dean pouted his grip on Castiel’s hand tightening.</p><p><br/>
“It’s a private jet, Dean. It’s safer than any commercial plane out there.”</p><p><br/>
“Really?” Dean asked with curiosity. He didn't know if it was true or not.</p><p><br/>
“Yes,” Castiel soothed. He was lying, he did not know for a fact that private jets were safer than commercial planes, he just needed to find a way to calm Dean down. Dean had taken at least three shots of whiskey since the flight began, but he was still freaking out.</p><p><br/>
Castiel has requested a Jeep for the rest of the journey to the ranch. He got the keys from the bodyguard who was waiting for them at the hangar and got behind the wheel. Dean's shoulders seemed to relax now that they were back down on solid ground- it was familiar territory.</p><p><br/>
Castiel did not want a bodyguard around because he wanted to enjoy this time with Dean. Drivers and bodyguards were something he might need in New York sometimes but not here. Santa Barbara was one of the places he had always felt at home. However, that did not stop the bodyguard from trailing behind him in a black SUV.</p><p>Dean looked outside at the expanse of the ranch on the narrow road leading up to the house. It was serene, he could see horses galloping and some people riding around the estate. He put his head out of the window and let the fresh air hit his face. He could smell the ocean and see its shining blue water in the distance. Castiel glanced at him and smiled seeing how awed Dean was by it all. Living in the city had a way of making you forget what other luxuries the world had to offer. The hustle and bustle of everyday life got in the way of such luxuries as fresh air. The evening sun was peeking through the trees and Dean enjoyed the way its warmth contrasted with the cool breeze.</p><p>“This is amazing, Cas,” Dean said as he removed his sunglasses to take in the view on either side of the private road as he retracted his head from the window. They had passed the main gate to Shurley's residence and two minutes later, they still hadn’t reached the house.</p><p>“I know,” Castiel said, adjusting his seatbelt. Dean glanced at him and squeezed his thigh. Castiel gave him a barely-there smile and drove on.</p><p>At the end of the private road was a black wrought iron gate that opened as soon as Castiel buzzed the intercom. Then the house came into view and Dean started freaking out. The house, if you could call it that, was a Spanish-style villa called <em>Villa del Carlos</em>. It was sprawled over 2,500 acres with additional buildings sprawling all over the property.</p><p>They were met at the door by a squirrely looking man in his sixties, Marv, Castiel had told Dean. He was the butler. <em>Of course, they had a butler</em>.</p><p>“Castiel,” Marv said with a sour note in his voice.</p><p>“Marv,” Castiel responded and tugged Dean’s hand and interlaced their fingers. Marv looked at their entwined hands and then looked away without any comment.</p><p>Dean gave Marv a nod which went unanswered, but he didn’t mind.</p><p>“Bags are in the backseat,” Castiel said, giving his keys to Marvin. He took the keys and headed towards the vehicle. Dean flinched feeling sorry for the poor guy but he did not want to overstep. He was a guest here, and, just because he and Castiel were dating, it didn’t mean that he could meddle in<em> whatever</em> was going on between them.</p><p>"Come, I have to give you a tour," Castiel said, snapping Dean out of his own thoughts. Dean gave him a smile and followed him across a long corridor towards brown double oak doors with a falcon family crest on them and into the foyer.<em> Of course, they have a family crest</em>. Ever since Castiel had invited him to meet his family, Dean found himself wondering often what he had gotten himself into. He held tightly onto Castiel's hand ready for the <em>Villa del Carlos</em> tour.</p><p>It turned out there were actually two villas, not one. They were joined by a long hallway. Each villa boasted eleven bedrooms all ensuite. Castiel’s bedroom was on the 2nd floor of the first villa. It had a rustic feel and, just like his room in France, it had a queen-size bed, a shelf of books, and an armoire.</p><p>“Wow, this is so you. Reminds me of France,” Dean laughed as he looked around. He went to the windows and the view was breathtaking. It overlooked a cliff, and from there you could see the ocean waves crashing on the beach. “Simpler times.”</p><p>“Yeah, simpler times,” Castiel up behind Dean and hugged him to his chest watching the view over his shoulder. Dean was an inch taller than Castiel but it did not bother them at all.</p><p>They stayed like that, watching the waves crash against the rocks and savor the breeze that blew into the room. They were startled by a knock at the door and then Marv walked in with their bags.</p><p>“Let me help you with those,” Dean offered as he detangled himself from Castiel and went to help Marv with the bags.</p><p>“Do you need anything else?” Marv asked, looking around the room. His expression was stoic.</p><p>“No, thank you,” Dean smiled at him. Castiel was still looking outside the window, the sky was turning orange.</p><p>“Very well. Dinner is at 7:30. Everyone is cleaning up, so I will see you there,” Marv said and walked out of the room.</p><p>Castiel went to help Dean unpack. They had not carried much but Castiel liked order and knowing where everything was.</p><p>“So, what’s the deal with you and Marv? I noticed there’s some kind of tension between you two,” Dean asked as he helped Castiel put his boots on the shoe rack.</p><p>“It’s that obvious, huh?” Castiel laughed and slumped on the bed.</p><p>“Yeah, I could cut the tension with a knife,” Dean chuckled and sat next to him. “And I saw the stink eye he gave you. I mean there has to be a story there.”</p><p>“It’s a rather stupid story. When I was a kid, about nine or ten, I found Marv’s journal, and since I loved to read, I read it and I realized that he was attracted to my dad. So, me being the dumb kid that I was, I told my parents and they said that they knew about it and that’s why they kept him around,” Castiel recalled and shook his head. “Can you believe that my dad used to flirt with him to reign him in so he could stay loyal to the family? The most disturbing part is that my mom knew about it and encouraged it.”</p><p>“What? That’s disturbing,” Dean blurted out.</p><p>“Tell me about it,” Castiel agreed. “Anyway, Marv found out that I had snitched on him and he got really mad. He started treating me like shit and started calling me Asstiel, so naturally, I snitched on him again. My parents didn’t take his attitude towards me lightly so he got fired, but he groveled for his job. So my dad gave him the job back on the condition that he would apologize to me and treat me with respect. He apologized, half-heartedly. I mean can you imagine the humiliation of having to apologize to a kid so you could get your job back? He got his job but our relationship has never been the same since.”</p><p>“That’s messed up. I mean you were a kid, shouldn’t he have moved on from it by now?” Dean sighed, exasperated.</p><p>“I mean he’s respectful and all, but I think he wanted to hold a grudge so here we are,” Castiel said as he got up and went to stand by the window looking out into the ocean.</p><p>Dean watched him and could not believe how lucky he was. Castiel looked luminescent in the glow of the evening sun that hit his face perfectly making his tan skin glow. He looked like an angel. It reminded him of that night in France how the glow of the streetlamp formed a halo above Castiel’s head.</p><p>“God, this view is breathtaking,” Dean gushed. “So beautiful.”</p><p>“Tell me about it,” Castiel said, turning around to face Dean.</p><p>“I meant <em>you</em> dummy, not the sunset, even though that’s gorgeous as well. Just not as much as you." Dean was walking slowly like a cat towards Castiel who just stood there with his hands in his pocket. His blue eyes squinting at Dean.</p><p>“And I meant <em>you</em> too,” Castiel whispered as Dean kissed his neck. “You are the most beautiful of all God’s creation.”</p><p>Dean stopped kissing his neck and cupped his face. “I love you, Cas,” then kissed him like his life depended on it. Castiel returned the kiss with fervor and it got heated pretty quickly.</p><p>“Let’s go take a bath,” Castiel whispered against Dean's ear as he unbuckled Dean’s belt.</p><p> </p><p>Castiel walked down the stairs with Dean in tow. They went to the lounge area to wait for everyone else, but it looked like they had been beaten to it.</p><p>“Oh, hello tweetie pie,” a petite redhead greeted in a Scottish accent as she walked towards Castiel and kissed him on both cheeks. She was wearing a gorgeous black evening gown.</p><p>“Auntie Rowena,” Castiel gushed, “I want you to meet someone. Dean, Auntie Rowena. Auntie Rowena, Dean.”</p><p>“It’s a pleasure to meet you, ma’am,” Dean said with a smile. He liked her already. She reminded him of Charlie but a more sophisticated, <em>Scottish,</em> version; petite, red hair, charming.</p><p>“Oh, call me Rowena. You are a vision,” she exclaimed as she stretched her dainty, perfectly manicured hand out to Dean. Dean kissed it. Her brown eyes danced in wonder. “Oh, and a gentleman as well, I like him.”</p><p>“Thanks-” Castiel started to say, but before he could finish what he was saying, a woman in black and white equestrian attire walked in.</p><p>“Castiel, I didn’t know you were here already,” she greeted, walking past Dean without acknowledging him yet he was closest to the door. She kissed Castiel on the cheek as she removed her gloves and slapped them on her hands before a maid came to take them from her. She had a military posture and cropped blonde hair and piercing blue eyes that had a hardness about them.</p><p>“Mother, we just got here,” Castiel replied. “This is Dean.”</p><p>“Hello, Dean. I am Naomi, Castiel’s mother,” Naomi said, stretching her hand out to shake Dean’s.</p><p>“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Shurley,” Dean shook her hand. Her grip was firm. Dean was scared. "I've heard so much about you."</p><p>"And I have heard almost nothing about you," she said, her eyes boring into Dean's. Rowena cleared her throat.“Please, call me Naomi."</p><p>"Really, mom?" Castiel gawked at his mother.</p><p>"Well, it's true. You haven't brought him around or talked about him with me," she defended herself. Rowena huffed, Castiel raised his hands in defeat.</p><p>"Jesus, Nomi, way to be rude to the boy," Rowena called Naomi on how rude she was to Dean. Naomi looked at her as if to ask which one."Both of them.,"</p><p>Dean just stood there feeling uncomfortable and unwanted. Castiel notices that Dean was biting his jaw hard and withdrawn so he rubbed his back soothingly.</p><p>“It was nice to meet you, Dean. Now, let me go wash up before dinner,” she said, walking out of the room.</p><p>She had somehow managed to suck all the air out somehow, or maybe Dean had been holding his breath because when she left somehow Dean could breathe again.</p><p>“I love Nomi, god knows I do, but she just seems to suck the air of the room doesn’t she?” Rowena quipped and patted the seat next to her. “Don’t mind her. Come sit by me handsome and tell me all about you.” Dean looked at Castiel who just raised his hands in mock surrender as if to say, <em>don’t look at me</em>, and went to sit next to Rowena.</p><p>“...he had a shank. It’s this weapon people make from materials like toothbrushes. I was ready to go in for the jugular when-oh hello Castiel,” a tall blond man barged into the room. “Ro-we-na?”</p><p>“Nick,” Castiel replied, exasperated. Dean looked up to see Nick going in for a hug, but Castiel shrugged him off. Castiel didn't like him, and when he had heard the news that he had been released from prison, he had spent hours venting to Dean about how much he hated Nick's guts and what a bully he was.</p><p>“Nicholas, looking well for a person who was in prison,” Rowena sneered, her right hand holding her tumbler while her right hand held Dean’s hand.</p><p>“It’s called a camp you asshats. It’s not a prison. I am not a criminal,” Nick defended himself.</p><p>“It’s still a prison,” Castiel huffed again, Dean tensed. “And you are a criminal, Nick.”</p><p>“Shut the fu-,” Nick did not finish what he was saying when Chuck walked in. “Dad, help me out here.”</p><p>“Kids, settle down,” Chuck said. His voice was soft and he was smaller in person than Dean had thought. “Castiel, welcome home, son.”</p><p>“Thank you, Chuck. I want you to meet, Dean,” Castiel said as he crossed his leg over his thigh and looked at Chuck challengingly. It was weird. Nick rolled his eyes and moved to stand at the sliding glass doors that overlooked the yard.</p><p>“It’s a pleasure Mr. Shurley,” Dean stood up and shook Chuck’s hand a little too enthusiastically.</p><p>“It’s a pleasure too, Dean,” Chuck smiled at him. His eyes were blue and kind, but there was also something somewhat mischievous lurking behind them.</p><p>“Castiel tells me you are a big fan of mine,” Chuck said as he moved to sit next to Dean. Rowena sat observing them as she sipped her drink. Castiel shook her head.</p><p>“Yes. I think I’ve read every book at least three times each. You’re an amazing writer,” Dean gushed. He knew better than to fangirl over the books. Castiel had told him how Chuck hated when guests started talking about his work or discussing specific storylines.</p><p>“Thank you,” he smiled, “Castiel, remind me to give your boyfriend a signed copy of my latest edition.” Castiel raised his glass to them and nodded then sipped the amber liquid.</p><p>“What?! Thank you, Mr. Shurley.” Dean was thrilled.</p><p>“You’re family now,” he tapped him gently on the shoulder. “I see how happy you make Castiel, so it’s the least I can do.”</p><p>Dean felt his cheeks heat up a small smile tugged on his lips and he looked at his boyfriend who smiled at him. Rowena raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“Dinner is served,” Marv announced walking into the lounge. “The others are waiting in the family dining room.”</p><p>“Well, let’s go eat before your mother starts getting antsy,” Chuck laughed as he stood up and everyone else followed suit.</p><p>Michael was sitting at the dining table with a young man who seemed to be in his early twenties. He was reading something that Dean couldn’t make out.</p><p>“Uncle Cassie,” Adam greeted.</p><p>“Hello, Adam,” Castiel leaned over Adam’s chair and hugged him. “Dean, Adam, Adam, Dean.”</p><p>“Nice to meet you, Adam,” Dean shook his hand.</p><p>“Woah, you’re so handsome,” Adam gushed.</p><p>“Adam, where are your manners?” Michael asked, slapping his hand.</p><p>“What? I can’t compliment people now?” Adam whined. Micheal didn’t respond to him.</p><p>“I’m Michael, nice to finally meet you,” he smiled, and it looked like he was checking Dean out. Dean didn’t take it personally, though, he had that effect on people.</p><p>“Hey,” Dean greeted with a smile.</p><p>“Well, let’s eat. I’m famished,” Naomi announced as she walked into the room.</p><p>They all sat down, Naomi and Chuck both at opposite heads of the table. Bartholomew sat beside Naomi, with Dean and Castiel to his left while Rowena, Michael, and Nick sat on the opposite side. Adam sat next to Dean. No one spoke as the staff served them various dishes. Dean was so uncomfortable he was shaking his leg. Castiel held his hand under the table to calm him.</p><p>“Have you gotten comfortable in my office yet, Feathers?” Nick sneered at Castiel taking a bite of the roast potatoes.</p><p>“Don’t call me that,” Castiel said quietly.</p><p>“What, you can’t take a joke?” Nick laughed.</p><p>“Leave him alone, Luci,” Micheal side-eyed Nick. “Don’t you ever get tired of being a bully?”</p><p>“A bully? What the hell?” Nick felt insulted, but it was funny how he didn’t realize he was being rude.</p><p>“Are you that narcissistic, brother?” Michael asked, shaking his head. “Grow up!”</p><p>“Why is everyone ganging up on me?” Nick asked, bewildered.</p><p>“How about because you are a narcissistic son of bi-,” Castiel started.</p><p>“Okay, enough!” Chuck bellowed adjusting his glasses. “Can we have a civil family dinner?”</p><p>Everyone fell silent. Then someone clanged their spoon on the plate, and then another one cleared their throat. Nick wanted to say something, but Chuck shut him up with a glare and a ‘shut the fuck up’ hand motion.</p><p>“So, Castiel, what happened to Mick?” Naomi asked, cutting a piece of chicken and putting it in her mouth.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Castiel was appalled that his mother would ask about Mick at the dinner table with Dean around.</p><p>“I mean he hasn’t called me in over a year, and he never picks up my calls,” Naomi said plainly watching Castiel intently. Her blue eyes then focused on Dean who had fallen silent and was playing with his food. He was no longer hungry.</p><p>“I don’t know. Haven’t talked to him much either,” Castiel responded and squeezed Dean’s hand. Dean sighed and took a very small bite of his chicken.</p><p>“He was good for you, you know,” Naomi said, this time looking at Castiel. Castiel looked away and then at Dean.</p><p>“I am with Dean now,” Castiel reprimanded his eyes hard.</p><p>“I can see that, but you have known Mick since you were kids,” she said, sipping her wine.</p><p>“And?” Castiel asked, challenging her to say one more thing.</p><p>“Honestly, he’s a better fit for you.”</p><p>“Ooo…drama,” Nick chimed in taking a sip of his wine and leaning back on his seat. Chuck slapped his hand. Nick rolled his eyes and watched Naomi.</p><p>“That’s enough Naomi,” Chuck bellowed again. “This is not how we treat our guests.”</p><p>“Mother, listen to me and listen carefully, Dean is the one I am with. He’s the one I chose. He’s the one I want. He’s the one I fuck. He’s the one for me. I don’t care how you feel about Mick or any other person that you think is better suited for me. I chose Dean, so if you want to know how Mick is, ask him yourself.” Castiel rambled ignoring the pleas that Chuck was making for him to stop talking.</p><p>“You know I am speaking the truth, Castiel,” Naomi continued.</p><p>“Well that's your truth not mine, so keep your opinion to yourself. I won’t sit here and let you or anyone disrespect Dean like this," Castiel huffed, throwing his napkin on the table and standing up. “Dean, let’s go.”</p><p>Dean sat there with a blank look on his face, a lump in his throat, and tears threatening to fall from his eyes. He took Castiel's outstretched hand and stood up slowly. He excused himself and followed Castiel out of the dining room.</p><p>“Good job Nomi, you just pushed your son away, again,” Rowena shook her head and picked at her food. “Why do you have to be so rude?”</p><p>Castiel walked with Dean on the property in silence until they found themselves on the beach. They both removed their shoes, let their feet sink into the sand, and watched the waves swoosh and crush on the beach and back again.</p><p>“Dean I'm so sorry. That was shitty of my mom. We are leaving tomorrow morning,” Castiel huffed in anger. “I can’t believe she actually did that.”</p><p>“It’s okay babe. I won’t lie, that hurt like hell and was embarrassing as well, but I think I know where she’s coming from,” Dean tried to placate him.</p><p>“And where’s that Dean? Because I honestly want to know,” Castiel asked, sitting on the wet sand. It was dark but the security lamps along the beach illuminated the beach with a soft glow. Dean sighed and sat beside him, leaning his head on Castiel’s strong shoulders.</p><p>“I think she wants you to be happy. Maybe she thinks someone who came up in the same society as you would be in a better position to understand this life that you live,” Dean explained, shifting to sit more comfortably.</p><p>“And what life is that?”</p><p>“This. All this. The money and everything else. I am an ordinary guy from a fucked up family who somehow managed to make a life for himself, and, by luck, I met you. But we both know I don’t belong in this world.”</p><p>Castiel turned so quickly that Dean’s head slipped from his shoulder and he almost twisted it.</p><p>“What the <em>fuck</em> is that supposed to mean?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“What the <em>fuck</em> do you mean you don’t belong here?”</p><p>Dean swallowed trying to be rid of the lump in his throat but it refused to go away.</p><p>“I- Cas…,” Dean stuttered, the lump in his throat getting bigger. “We both know that what she said was true. I mean look at me and look at you. All everyone has ever seen in me is my beauty. They disregard everything else about me. And that’s okay, I can live with that. But you, people see you for who you really are and the potential you have. The things you could accomplish with someone like Mick beside you. Don’t you want someone who understands this world, your world?”</p><p>Castiel studied Dean’s face for a moment, then he looked away at the ocean. He opened his mouth to say something, but whatever it was, it died at the tip of his tongue. Instead, he huffed, got up, and walked away leaving Dean distraught.</p><p>“Cas where the fuck are you going?” Dean called after him but Castiel kept walking. “ Cas. Cas!”</p><p>Castiel kept walking until all Dean could see was his silhouette disappearing into the night. What Dean didn’t see were the tears in his eyes as he walked away.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>Castiel walked briskly into the night wiping the tears from his eyes. Dean had not even lasted a day with his family before he was talking about how they didn’t belong together. He was crushed, to say the least. He couldn’t take Dean breaking his heart again after he had made him the happiest man alive for the past year. No, he was going to pack up his bags and disappear because being away from everyone and everything he knew would be better than living with the constant reminder that his family cost him his one true love.</p><p>“Castiel,” Naomi’s voice came from somewhere on the patio, “Join me.” She was seated out on the patio looking out to the ocean.</p><p>“I don’t think I will because I can’t stand to look at you right now,” Castiel hissed avoiding any eye contact with her.</p><p>“I only did that to save you from heartache Castiel. He’s not good for you,” Naomi reprimanded walking towards him.</p><p>“How can you speak of him like that when you don’t know anything about him? Just because he wasn’t born into money doesn’t make him a gold digger or whatever you think he is. He doesn’t care about such trivial things.”</p><p>“It is not even about that. I want you to be with someone who sees you for who you are. Someone who understands this life we were blessed with. Someone who is a part of this family in a manner of speaking.”</p><p>“I am tired, mother. I am going to go to bed and then I am leaving tomorrow morning. You got what you wanted, after all, Dean doesn’t want me anymore. I hope you are happy.”</p><p>“You think I am happy seeing you like this? All I want is for you to be happy and not end up like me and your father.”</p><p>“Well, if you cared even a little about me, then you would know Dean is the one person who has made me happy beyond my wildest dreams, but you took that away from me like you took my freedom all those years ago when you forced me to go to Oxford to please dad. This is the second time he has left me, and I don’t know how to live without him.”</p><p>“Castiel, please son. I’m sorry. I was just trying to make sure you don’t waste your life with a -”</p><p>“Don’t. I am <em>done</em> with this conversation. Good night, mother,” Castiel sniffled and walked away.</p><p>Talking about Dean, knowing he had lost him that night, had taken everything from him. When he got to his room, he rinsed his feet off to get rid of the sand, brushed his teeth, changed into his pajamas, took a shot of whisky to help him sleep, and got into bed. He did not want to think about anything because he thought he might commit a crime if he thought about his mother, or Dean, or, worse still, both. Luckily for him, since he was tired from the journey, once his head hit the pillow, he drifted off to sleep. He didn’t know what he would do in the morning, but he knew he couldn’t stay in the same place as his mother any longer.</p><p><br/>
➤➤➤</p><p><br/>
Dean walked along the beach for a while pondering on what he had said or done to make Castiel walk away from him like that when it hit him that maybe Castiel thought that he was breaking up with him. But that was not the case. Dean wanted to tell Castiel the fact that they were from different worlds did not matter, what mattered was that they loved each other but he had not gotten a chance to tell him that because Castiel had left.</p><p><br/>
Dean went back to the house, and when he got to the bedroom he shared with Castiel, he was already fast asleep. Dean had wanted to explain the misunderstanding, but he did not want to disturb his boyfriend who looked so angelic as he slept. He was the most handsome man Dean had ever met and he was in awe of his ethereal beauty every day.</p><p>So Dean changed into his pajamas, brushed his teeth, flossed, and then went to bed. He wanted to hold Castiel but from the way he was sleeping too close to the edge on his side of the edge of the bed, Dean understood that he did not want to be disturbed. So Dean plopped his pillow and tried to sleep but it was futile. He just tossed and turned- he had a thing about sleeping in new places. He looked at Castiel's perfect profile as he slept and smiled. He was a lucky man to have such a handsome man love him unconditionally. He kissed Castiel on the cheek and went downstairs to get a beer.</p><p>“Couldn’t sleep either?” Rowena’s sultry voice came from behind him. Dean almost dropped his beer.</p><p>“Oh, don’t do that,” Dean laughed holding his hand over his pounding heart.</p><p>“Sorry, I like the element of surprise,” Rowena quipped wrapping her silk nightgown over her small waist looking up at Dean with a raised eyebrow as if judging him. “Beer? Really? Come, let’s get the good stuff.”</p><p>They sat at the pool, their feet in the water as they drank scotch and smoked cigars. Dean had choked on the smoke at first until Rowena told him that it wasn't meant to be inhaled but puffed out.  When he eventuallygot the hang of it, he realized it was actually easy and relaxing. He never smoked save for weed that Castiel somehow managed to score once in a while. They had once baked weed brownies which had ended up them dancing naked on the rooftop of Castiel’s apartment building to a <em>smash mix</em> that Castiel had made a girl in high school. They never ate edibles ever again.</p><p>“I have never seen him so happy,” Rowena said suddenly after they had been sitting at the pool in silence for a few minutes puffing out cigar smoke and sipping their scotch their feet flapping in the water. “You make him happy. Ever since the day he met you, he never stopped talking about you.”</p><p>“What?” Dean blushed. “Can’t be since the day he met me.”</p><p>“Trust me, he called me that night and told me about this gorgeous guy with hazel eyes and gorgeous freckles that he had saved from imminent death,” she laughed.</p><p>“That was a bit of an exaggeration,” Dean looked at her in the soft glow of the lights surrounding the pool.</p><p>“Which part? Because I think he undersold it. You are just about the most gorgeous man I have ever seen, and trust me, I have seen <em>a lot</em> of men from all over the world.”</p><p>“Stop it. I’m not all that.”</p><p>“He said you do that a lot.”</p><p>“Do what?”</p><p>“Self-deprecate.”</p><p>“So you two talk about me? I see.”</p><p>“Not just about you. See, Castiel, he’s a kind person, but he grew up in a family without a lot of emotional support. It was almost like his parents were indifferent to him because he is different from the rest of them. So he turned to me for emotional support, and I ended up becoming his confidant.”</p><p>“Oh,” Dean was shocked, to say the least. “So, what else does he say about me.”</p><p>Rowena laughed because he realized that Dean was a really curious person just like Castiel had told her.</p><p>“That night he met you, he told me, auntie, I am going to marry that guy, I don’t care if I have to move to Mars to do it,” she said, looking at Dean with a smile on her face.</p><p>“Wh...what?” Dean’s eyes bulged out in bewilderment. <em>What was she saying? Castiel wanted to marry him?</em> He hadn’t even thought that far yet, but it gave him a warm feeling in his belly and a smile tugged at his face.</p><p>“He has always loved you since that first day. Even after all those years you were broken up,” she looked at him, sipped her drink, and then looked away. “I’m happy to know that you found each other again.”</p><p>“I didn’t mean to break his heart. I just-something happened and I couldn’t be with him. I thought I couldn’t be with him,” Dean was panicking now. Reliving that nightmare still weighed on him sometimes.</p><p>“Yeah, he told me,” she said plainly, Dean almost choked on the scotch he had just sipped. <em>Castiel had told her about Lee and what happened? No No. No. What the fuck?!</em></p><p>“He...he told you?” Dean stuttered, he couldn’t believe Castiel had betrayed him.</p><p>“I mean not really. He just said something happened, and he couldn’t tell me what it was. He said he understood now and he forgave you, but he wished he could forgive himself for not being there for you.”</p><p>“What? He didn’t do anything wrong. There’s nothing for him to feel guilty about. I mean it’s not like I told him the truth back then and he didn’t care. I just broke his heart. I’m the bad guy.”</p><p>“He seems to think he is to blame somehow.” Dean shook his head defeated, he would talk to Castiel about this later and make it clear he was not to blame for anything. It was sad to imagine that Castiel had been carrying guilt he had no business carrying all these years.</p><p>“It was all me. <em>Fuck</em>. He deserved better from me,” Dean muttered. “And I messed things again tonight, and he doesn’t want me anymore.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Rowena was confused. They seemed to be fine when they walked away from the dinner table.</p><p>“We were talking about what his mom said at dinner and I told him how Naomi was right and he just walked away from me,” Dean narrated, exasperated.</p><p>“I’m sure that was just a misunderstanding. You guys will work it out in the morning,” she soothed him.</p><p>“Are you sure? Because the last time he walked out on me he was done with me and I had to grovel to get him back.”</p><p>“Trust me. He loves you and he won’t let you go that easily.” She said, sipping her drink. “Do you know he was foregoing Oxford to transfer to Kansas University for you?” Rowena looked up at Dean with a small smile on her sultry lips which were shiny with ruby red lipstick.</p><p>“What? How? Why didn’t he tell me?” Dean was confused. <em>Who turned down the best university in the world to join a state university for love?</em></p><p>“Yeah, he didn’t tell anyone but me about transferring to K.U. However, he told Nomi that he wouldn’t be going to Oxford and she went feral. She even tried using her brain tumor to convince him to go, but he was hellbent on not leaving the country. I think the breakup changed things though. Thank goodness Oxford was Chuck’s Alma Mater and all his kids went there, so it was easy to convince them to give Castiel his spot back.”</p><p>“I didn’t know all this. I’m uh...I don’t know what to say,” Dean’s head was spinning. Maybe it was the alcohol, but he knew that it was everything that Rowena had said.</p><p>“Just love him, because he loves you with every fiber of his being,” she said, pouring them both more scotch.</p><p>“That I can do. As long as he’ll have me,” Dean smiled at her, his eyes glistening with unshed tears in the fluorescent glow. He sniffled then laughed, Rowena gave him the sweetest smile and squeezed his hand. Dean felt like he had found another friend for life.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Castiel teaches Dean a lesson after their fight the previous night. Dean learns a few shocking things about Castiel's past. Adam opens up to Dean about his own childhood.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Enloy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>“When I got what I got, I don’t miss what I had, the old me before you belongs to the past.” -Jason Aldean</strong>
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<p>Castiel woke up to Dean’s warm breath caressing the back of his neck and his hand tightly holding Castiel’s waist, his leg strewn over Castiel’s legs. Castiel was trapped and he tried to detangle himself without disturbing Dean, but as soon as he was free of him, Dean woke up.</p>
<p>“Good morning, Sunshine,” Dean croaked, kissing Castiel’s neck.</p>
<p>“Good morning,” Castiel replied in his gruff voice and got out of bed.</p>
<p>“Where are you going?” Dean asked, plopping his head on his hand watching Castiel wear his robe. Castiel shrugged. “So you’re still not talking to me? Okay. I see.” Dean was starting to get frustrated. He thought that they were okay since Castiel had greeted him back when he kissed him good morning, but it was clear he was still angry about last night. “Cas, what did I do?”</p>
<p>Castiel stopped tying his robe and raised his eyebrow in that way that made Dean feel all hot and bothered. “What did you do? Seriously?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I want to know. What did I do?”</p>
<p>“Did you even hear the things you were saying to me last night?’</p>
<p>“Yeah. And?”</p>
<p>“And? Stop playing coy. You basically broke up with me without actually saying the words.”</p>
<p>“What? That’s not what I did. I was just trying to rationalize what your mom was saying.”</p>
<p>“You are making my point for me. What are you waiting for? Just rip off the band-aid, Dean. Just do it.”</p>
<p>“Do what?” Dean was confused.</p>
<p>“Break up with me!” Castiel shouted and glared at him.</p>
<p>“Jesus, Cas. You didn’t even let me finish what I was saying last night," Dean said sitting up on the bed and rubbing his eyes.</p>
<p>“Does it even matter if the result is the same?” Castiel asked in a clipped voice, his eyes turning darker from the storm brewing behind them.</p>
<p>“Would you listen to me, please?” Dean pleaded. Castiel huffed and then sat on his side of the bed, his back half turned towards Dean. “All I was saying is that your mom was right about most of the things like how we’re from different worlds, and how you deserve someone who understands your world because god knows I don’t sometimes. But the truth is, Cas, I don’t really care about how I fit in your world. All I care about is how I fit in with you. That's all that matters, and as long as you want me in your life, I’m not going anywhere. Nothing, and I mean nothing will ever keep me away from you.” Dean finished reaching for Castiel’s hand and holding it.</p>
<p>Castiel laughed and seemed to let out a sigh. “Even death?”</p>
<p>“Especially death. I will hang around and haunt your ass.”</p>
<p>“Well, I do have a beautiful ass, so I understand why you would do that.”</p>
<p>“Yes it is one beautiful ass- so round and perky,” Dean smirked. They gazed into each other's eyes for a moment and let their fingers play with each other. “Are we okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, we are okay,” Castiel’s voice was softer now and his eyes looked as beautiful as always; big and the most unique shade of blue Dean had ever seen, “I'm sorry for walking out on you like that and making things unnecessarily complicated. My mom makes me insane.”</p>
<p>“I understand.” Dean smiled at him. “Now, how about you bring that beautiful ass of yours over here and kiss me.”</p>
<p>Castiel obliged, crawling over to where Dean was seated. He looked at him like he was his salvation, and kissed his pouty pink lips. Dean responded with fervor and soon the kiss got heated. Dean was moaning into it as he sucked Castiel’s bottom lip.</p>
<p>“Get out of those clothes and get on your hands and knees,” Castiel commanded in a breathy moan as he moved to kiss Dean’s neck. Dean looked up at him with hungry eyes and obliged by getting rid of his clothes and then turned around and got on his hands and knees as instructed. Castiel removed his clothes in record time and admired Dean’s toned back. More importantly his perky ass. He wanted to kiss every single freckle there. “So beautiful,” he whispered as he peppered it with kisses and ran his hands all over it before he spanked it playfully.</p>
<p>“Do that again,” Dean keened.</p>
<p>“Are you sure?” Castiel asked, rubbing the spot he had spanked.</p>
<p>“Yeah, just do it a little harder this time,” Dean moaned.</p>
<p>Castiel didn't need to be told twice and so he went to work. He opened his palm, spread his fingers, and caressed Dean’s ass before spanking him, harder this time but not hard enough to hurt him. Dean was keening and moaning and his cock was dripping pre-come on the bedsheets. He seemed to be enjoying this, but Castiel didn’t want to be carried away. This was neither the time nor the place, so he kissed Dean’s red ass and reached for the lube. He lubed his fingers, spread Dean’s cheeks, and admired his tight puckered hole. Castiel always found himself staring at it. It was beautiful, always felt amazing, and tasted even better, but all he wanted right now was to be inside Dean because his cock was so hard it was starting to get painful.</p>
<p>He opened Dean up the best he could, but Dean was begging him to just get on with it and fuck him.</p>
<p><em>“Fuuuck!”</em> Castiel whispered as he breached Dean. He held onto his waist for support and pushed in until he bottomed out. Dean let out a loud moan, arched his back and laid his head on the pillow, and started bucking into Castiel. Castiel met him thrust for thrust and they created a rhythm and soon their room was filled with moans and skin slapping against skin.</p>
<p>“Babe, that feels so good. Fuck me harder,” Dean moaned and Castiel gave him exactly what he had asked for. Dean was moaning and screaming, especially when Castiel hit that sweet spot that had Dean begging for more. “Faster, I’m...mmm...close. Just like that. Yes! Yes! Cas!” Dean screamed as he pumped his cock, and soon he was coming all over his hand and the bedding. Castiel stopped fucking him and held him through his orgasm.</p>
<p>Once Dean had calmed down, he leaned his back flush to Castiel’s chest and bucked into Castiel again. Castiel thrust into him as he held onto Dean’s chest. Dean reached his hand back and pulled Castiel closer by the nape of his neck. Castiel kept thrusting into him his hand wrapped loosely around his neck and when Dean's ass clenched tightly around his cock, it sent Castiel over the edge and he came biting lightly on Dean's shoulder to stifle his moan.</p>
<p>"If John could see me now," Dean laughed as Castiel kissed his neck, pulling out of him.</p>
<p>"John?" Castiel frowned wondering what Dean was talking about.</p>
<p>"My dad," Dean chuckled, turning to lay on his back.</p>
<p>"Jesus, Dean. Why would say that?" Castiel looked at him in disbelief, Dean shrugged and bit his bottom lip. "Want to join me in the shower?" </p>
<p>"Only if we have a round two of that."</p>
<p>"Of course."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>➤➤➤</p>
<p>They grew avocados on the farm because there was a good market for them. The ranch used to be around 4,500 acres, however, Chuck had sold the 2,000 acres of vineyard a few years back. Most of the land was also used for cattle grazing, and Dean could see the workers currently maintaining a herd of around 200 cows. Hannah, Castiel’s sister explained as she rode alongside Dean. She had arrived late the previous night and went straight to bed. She had traveled from Italy where she was married to a man whose family collected and restored lost art and artifacts.</p>
<p>“Wow, it’s amazing. I have never seen anything like this,” Dean gushed as he looked at the expanse of the outstretched land, acres upon acres. They rode to the edge of the land where there was a fence. From where they had stopped, he could see the ocean clearly and he wished he could walk on the sandy beach that morning, but as soon as he and Castiel had gone down breakfast, Naomi had asked him to go riding with her, Hannah, and Balthazar.</p>
<p>Castiel had declined from joining them and instead said he would get more shut-eye. Dean was jealous because had only gotten four hours of sleep the previous night, thanks to the late-night indulgence with Rowena. Two cups of coffee later and wind on his face and he was still not feeling any better.</p>
<p>“Yeah, we used to love it here as kids, Castiel most of all, but then we grew up and things changed,” Hannah said, squinting at Dean. She reminded him so much of Castiel. The dark hair, the exceptionally blue eyes, though Castiel’s were the most beautiful shade of blue he had ever seen, the neck tilt, the squinting, and not to mention how beautiful she was.</p>
<p>“Yeah, a lot of things change when people grow up,” he looked at her and she smiled.</p>
<p>“You look really nice in that outfit by the way,” Hannah complimented him. Dean was wearing a jockey's outfit that Castiel had given him. Castiel had insisted that they go shopping but Dean had said that since they were the same size, it was better to borrow his clothes.</p>
<p>“It’s Cas’ but thanks. I only own jeans and boots. I’ve never taken horse riding seriously before,” he laughed.</p>
<p>“You ride really well for an amateur,” She laughed.</p>
<p>“Whoa. You do know he is dating our brother right? But do tell me about your riding skills Dean,” Balthazar chimed in as his horse trotted to a stop next to Dean.</p>
<p>“Zar, that mouth,” Hannah reprimanded.</p>
<p>“You can’t fault a guy for being sensual,” Balthazar defended himself.</p>
<p>“You are just a perv,” Hannah said and they all laughed.</p>
<p>“Dean, you are with me. Hannah and Balthazar, can you give us some space?” Naomi's voice came from behind them.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Balthazar and Hannah said in unison and gave Dean a sympathetic look as they rode away back to the villa.</p>
<p>“So, Dean, tell me about yourself,” Naomi began as she watched Dean. They walked their horses side by side. Dean was nervous, and the horse sensed it and was starting to get antsy. “Just relax, Dean. I don’t bite.”</p>
<p>“You don’t like me very much do you?” Dean asked fearlessly. He didn’t know where the confidence came from but he kind of liked it. Naomi, who was looking straight ahead, turned her neck to look at him again. She studied his face and laughed.</p>
<p>“Wow, cutting right to chase, huh?” Naomi asked plainly. Dean did not know what she was thinking but she seemed more amused than angry.</p>
<p>“Sorry, I didn’t mean to. It’s just that I didn’t get enough sleep last night,” Dean rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand that was holding the reins.</p>
<p>“Don’t apologize, I kind of like it,” she laughed before continuing, “So, where are you from?”</p>
<p>“Originally from Lawrence, Kansas but moved to Lebanon when my mom died.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry to hear that. Any siblings?”</p>
<p>“A brother, he’s younger. He’s a lawyer on Wall Street.”</p>
<p>“Impressive. And your dad? Where is he now since both you and your brother are in New York,” she asked looking ahead. Dean tensed up.</p>
<p>“He passed, seven years ago,” he mumbled.</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry,” she apologized. “I didn’t realize my questions would bring up sad memories.”</p>
<p>“No, it’s okay,” Dean laughed nervously.</p>
<p>“Tell you what, race me to the edge of the property, and, when I win, you will have to meet me for brunch later,” she challenged, it was a way to deflect Dean’s emotions to a better place. He was grateful. It seemed she wasn’t the robot he thought she was, at least not all the time.</p>
<p>“Oh, it’s on,” Dean challenged. Naomi laughed as they positioned themselves to start the race, they both knew she would win but it was good to dream anyway.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>➤➤➤</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dean shifted uncomfortably in his seat as Naomi sipped her chardonnay and eyed him. She had said to dress casually, so Dean had worn a pair of black skinny jeans, a maroon henley shirt, and boots. She wore a pair of white jeans, a blush shirt with blush ballet flats so Dean did not feel like he was underdressed.</p>
<p>They sat outside under a huge avocado tree from how the seats were set up.</p>
<p>There were other people seated around the former victorian style mansion turned winery and restaurant. Dean sipped his merlot and smiled as they waited for their food. The sun shone brightly and the heat was scorching, but the breeze from the ocean made it bearable.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry for being rude last night and weird this morning asking you to tell me about yourself,” Naomi said her piercing blue eyes peering into his soul. She made him uncomfortable.</p>
<p>“It’s okay. I understand,” he said plainly and looked away to a couple that was kissing and giggling. He missed Castiel.</p>
<p>“You know, Castiel,” Naomi started then stopped to sip her wine. “He has always been different from all siblings.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, he’s his own man, I have never met anyone like him. He doesn’t conform to society’s expectations,” Dean gushed. “That is why I love him.”</p>
<p>Naomi gave Dean a dissatisfied smile and continued, "You know, his dad and I, we always used to say that he came off the line with a crack in his chassis.” Dean was not amused. He had gotten the short end of the stick from his abusive father, and he recognized abusive parents when he saw or heard them. Maybe Naomi and Chuck weren’t physically abusive and loved Castiel for who he was to some extent, but they were still abusive and controlling. Dean faked a smile and sipped his wine.</p>
<p>They had decided to forego brunch and have lunch instead because it was already 1:30 by the time they got to the winery. Dean watched as their hostess brought their meals to their table. He had decided to eat spaghetti bolognese while Naomi had opted for risotto.</p>
<p>“This is so good,” he said as he bit into the savory sauce, and Naomi nodded pointing to her risotto with her folk. They ate quietly for a while and then Naomi broke her silence.</p>
<p>“He never used to be like that, you know. Defiant. He was the best kid, my favorite. He was incredibly intelligent, obedient, and happy, until Samandriel, Alfie, as he liked to be called, died,” Naomi reminisced and sat back on her seat and looked away. Dean could see that she was trying really hard to keep her tears at bay from how quickly she was blinking.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry about Alfie. He must’ve been special with the way Cas talks about him,” Dean soothed.</p>
<p>“Those two were inseparable, and when he got sick, lymphoma, Castiel was devastated and more so when he died. Then he changed. He became withdrawn and just became gloomy and more focused on his studies. Until he met you,” Naomi narrated.</p>
<p>“What do you mean <em>until he met me</em>?”</p>
<p>“Ever since Castiel laid his eyes on you he was lost. He became someone I didn’t recognize anymore. He became…”</p>
<p>“Happy?” Dean asked.</p>
<p>“Obstinate,” she spit out with so much contempt Dean was afraid she might slap him. “Can you believe he wanted to forego Oxford for you?”</p>
<p>“So I've heard. But what if it had nothing to do with me? Maybe I just gave him a reason to live.”</p>
<p>“Oh, really? Is that why you broke his heart? Is that why you sent him spiraling?”</p>
<p>“It’s complicated. It wasn’t-”</p>
<p>“Uncomplicate it,” Naomi hissed as she stared Dean down, Dean looked away.</p>
<p>“I can’t. But we are okay now, we are happy,” Dean defended himself. “He...he knows why it had to happen.”</p>
<p>“You know, I thought nothing could break him more than Alfie’s death but you did,” she accused, playing with her food then she dropped her fork and sipped her wine. “After you, he broke hearts left and right. Do you know how many young men and women I had to pacify? And when I thought he had finally found someone to settle down with, he broke his engagement to Amelia mere days before their wedding.”</p>
<p>“What?!” Dean exclaimed. He was glad that no one was sitting close enough to overhear their conversation. “What do you mean? Cas was engaged?”</p>
<p>“Oh, he didn’t tell you? He came to me and said that he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t be with Amelia. She was a beautiful girl, well-learned, and from a good family. And do you know why? He said it was because he was still in love with you and would be forever. He said he couldn't live a lie.”</p>
<p>This was getting interesting, Dean could not believe what he was hearing. <em>Castiel had been engaged to be married?</em> He had never told him this. Dean was a mess inside. <em>Castiel refused to get married because he loved him still even if he had broken his heart and they had not spoken since? Castiel really did love him, didn't he?</em></p>
<p>“Why are you telling me this?” he managed to choke out then sipped his wine to quench his now parched throat. Breaking up with Castiel had destroyed lives. Maybe John was right, he was a no-good son of a bitch.</p>
<p>“Because I want you to know what my son gave up for you. He gave up a chance at happiness just for a fleeting Summer fling.”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t a fling as you can see, he meant the world to me too.”</p>
<p>“Do you really love him?”</p>
<p>“More than anything,” Dean said sincerely, looking her in her now softening eyes. “Cas is-Cas is everything and more.”</p>
<p>“But can you give him a normal life, a home, kids? That is the one thing I know he craves more than anything. Do you want the same thing, Dean?” She asked, her eyes hardening again. Dean looked at her then looked away.</p>
<p>“All I know is I would give Cas the world. I love him more than anything in this world. Maybe in the entire universe. So if it’s a home and kids he wants, then that’s what I will give him. I know I have a decade worth of making up to do, but I will spend every second of my life loving him in whichever way he needs me to,” Dean blurted out without thinking, and when his eyes met Naomi’s he was met with a small genuine smile for the first time since he met her.</p>
<p>“You better, because no one messes with my kids and walks away unscathed,” Naomi warned.</p>
<p>“Of course, ma’am,” Dean said sincerely and sipped his wine. He would do anything for Castiel because he knew he was it for him. He was the one person who made him feel whole and he would never compromise that for whatever reason.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>➤➤➤</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dean and Naomi had gotten back at around five in the afternoon, Dean decided to go take a nap since he was tired and Castiel had texted saying that he, Hannah, and Balthazar had decided to go for a drive and they’d be back by dinner time.</p>
<p>However, he didn’t have such luck as to catch a few hours of sleep before dinner because, on his way to the bedroom, he had run into Chuck who asked him to join him in the library. It was a large room with high shelves covering all the walls apart from the large window that overlooked the ocean. They were all full of books and Dean was fascinated by it. <em>Fuck</em>! It was like he was trapped in a meet the parents kind of nightmare.</p>
<p>“Do you read, Dean?” Chuck asked, handing Dean a glass of scotch. He didn’t see the brand since it was poured from a decanter, but from how smooth and oaky it was, he knew it was something expensive and well-aged.</p>
<p>“Of course, sir,” Dean replied, sitting next to Chuck on the leather sofa that faced the window. The breeze of the ocean wafting through the opened windows, and they watched the waves crashing on the beach, a boat disappearing on the horizon.</p>
<p>“I figured as much since you’ve read my books, but what other books have you read?” Chuck asked, turning to face Dean. He had a full beard and his blue eyes bore into Dean. The way he studied him reminded Dean of Castiel.</p>
<p>“Uhh...Vonnegut, Tolstoy, Fyodor, V-,” Dean started but Chuck did not let him finish.</p>
<p>“Wow. Why is it that you like my books again when you are so well-read?”</p>
<p>“Are you kidding me?” Dean exclaimed then realized that his language was probably not appropriate when you were talking to your boyfriend’s father. “Sorry. I mean you’re an amazing writer, Sir. I couldn't put <em>The Marked Cradle </em>down. It is literary gold!”</p>
<p>“Jesus, when my publicist told me I had fans I was shocked. I never thought those books would gain any traction. Thank you and please call me, Chuck.”</p>
<p>“What inspired them, sir...I mean Chuck?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know. I just like tragedies. An idea just came to me and I couldn’t stop writing. There wasn’t any inspiration to it that’s why I ended the series at six. I couldn’t go any further.”</p>
<p>“God, I miss them. The new works are more <em>out there</em> than the first three,” Dean said and when he looked up at Chuck, he was eyeing him with a hard look on his face. <em>Shit!</em> "Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”</p>
<p>“Oh, do go on, I like getting feedback,” Chuck laughed and sipped his scotch. “This is just my face. I have been told I should smile more.”</p>
<p>“I see where Cas gets it,” Dean said softly. “The intense look.”</p>
<p>“Yeah? Have you met his mother?” Chuck whispered mockingly and they both laughed.</p>
<p>“I have actually and she too has the same intense look. Is it a family thing?”</p>
<p>“Seems so.”</p>
<p>After that, Dean and Chuck talked about everything that came to mind until Marv came to call them for dinner. They walked into the family dining room laughing, and everyone seemed shocked, including Castiel who was sitting next to Balthazar in the middle of a conversation.</p>
<p>“What was that all about?” Castiel whispered as Dean came to sit next to him.</p>
<p>“Wouldn’t you like to know Angel?” Dean smiled and didn’t say anything further.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That evening dinner was quiet. Everyone was missing save for Chuck, Naomi, Bartholomew, Balthazar, Dean, Castiel, and Joe, Hannah’s husband. Rowena had gone out in the morning with her new beau and hadn’t come back since. Nick had gone back to New York for some reason while Micheal and Adam had gone out for some father-son bonding. Hannah was sleeping after the eventful day that she and her brother had.</p>
<p>After dinner, Castiel had excused himself saying he had some work to do before bed. Dean and Balthazar had stayed back for a while and watched tv while they talked.</p>
<p>“So, what do you want to do tomorrow?” Balthazar asked. He was sprawled on the floor smoking weed, puffing out shapes up at the roof while Dean lay on the sofa waiting for Balthazar to pass the blunt.</p>
<p>“I don’t know. Depends on what Cas wants to do I guess,” Dean replied. “Won’t Naomi need us for the final touches for the party?”</p>
<p>“Nah, she likes to do it herself with her chosen group of experts. It’s a whole thing, don’t worry about it,” Balthazar laughed then passed the blunt to Dean. “We could go to the beach or LA and then come back before the party starts.</p>
<p>“Yeah, sounds like a plan. I’ll see what Cas thinks.” Dean took two puffs, held them in, and exhaled the smoke through his nose. He took a few more puffs and then handed the blunt back to Balthazar.</p>
<p>“He would never say no to you. Just tell him to be there,” Balthazar winked at him as he got up from the floor and checked his phone. “Shit! I was supposed to call this beautiful woman I’m seeing like five hours ago, and now she’s blowing up my phone. Can I go do that?”</p>
<p>“Of course, I need to go to bed anyway. I’m so tired.”</p>
<p>“Okay then, see you tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Dean watched as Balthazar walked out of the room typing something on his phone while smoking the remaining blunt. Dean contemplated getting a book from the library to read, but he knew he needed sleep so he went upstairs.</p>
<p>Castiel was already in bed, but he was still up flipping through a folder full of papers. He looked so serious which Dean found adorable, but since he didn’t want to disturb him, he did his nightly routine and stripped down to his boxers. He put on a t-shirt that smelled like Castiel and got into bed.</p>
<p>“So, how was your day,” Castiel asked as he felt the bed dip when Dean got in next to him.</p>
<p>“Eventful. I met with both of your parents, as you know. They’re lovely people,” Dean said sincerely. They weren’t as bad as he had anticipated.</p>
<p>“Oh, really?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, your dad is so cool. We talked about Vonnegut and then about music. I didn't know he plays guitar. Then your mom just talked about you. She loves you so much.”</p>
<p>“Mhmmm,” Castiel replied as he cross-referenced two pages and wrote something next to one of them.</p>
<p>“Are you even listening?” Dean asked because he could clearly see that Castiel was more intrigued by the piece of paper he was studying than by what he was saying.</p>
<p>“She threatened to kill me."</p>
<p>“That’s nice, Dean,” Castiel answered as he kept flipping through the pages.</p>
<p>“Seriously babe? So what kind of casket are you getting me?” Dean plopped his head on his hand and watched Castiel with a curious look on his face.</p>
<p>“Huh?” Castiel turned to look at him, head tilted, eyes squinted.</p>
<p>“Nothing,” Dean huffed. He lay his head on the pillow and looked at the ceiling.</p>
<p>“Dean I’m sorry, I need to do this now, can you tell me about it tomorrow?” Castiel asked, still not looking at Dean.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Dean was concerned. He had never seen Castiel bring work to bed before. This seemed serious.</p>
<p>“Yeah. Sorry, there’s this thing that I noticed earlier in some documents that Michael gave to me and I’m trying to make sense of it,” Castiel said, flipping through the papers and frowning even more.</p>
<p>“Anything I can help you with?” Dean offered.</p>
<p>“No, Dean. I’ll handle it, I’m sure it’s nothing,” he responded and then wrote something on one of the pages.</p>
<p>“Okay. I’m beat so I’ll go to sleep, but please don’t stay up late, okay?”</p>
<p>“Goodnight Dean,” Castiel kissed him on the lips and lingered there for a while.</p>
<p>“Goodnight, Cas,” Dean said and kissed Castiel then turned on his side trying to settle comfortably in the unfamiliar bed. He hated sleeping in places he wasn’t used to because he always struggled to get sleep. Castiel rubbed Dean’s back with one of his hands as he felt him struggle to get comfortable, so he caressed his back until fell asleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>➤➤➤</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dean, Castiel, and Balthazar spent the morning riding on horseback around the ranch. Dean was having the time of his life because not only was the view breathtaking but Castiel looked so fucking good in his cowboy outfit that Dean wanted nothing more than to slam him against the nearest tree and let Castiel have his way with him.</p>
<p>Afterwards, they drove around town. There wasn’t much they could do since most shops were closed for the holidays, but they bought some souvenirs and trinkets for themselves and their friends back in New York. Later, they took a dip in the ocean and relaxed at the beach with a few beers until it was time to go back to the house and prepare for the party.</p>
<p>The New Year’s Eve party was a grand monstrosity of opulence but Dean enjoyed himself nonetheless. Dean tried to indulge Bartholomew, Naomi’s husband, and Joe, Hannah’s husband, but he wasn’t successful. Rowena showed up with a gigantic man in a black suit looking like a queen of someplace, with a red evening gown that hugged her petite frame perfectly.</p>
<p>“Wow, you look ravishing,” Dean smiled at her and spun her around. She twirled and let out the sweetest laugh Dean had ever heard.</p>
<p>“Oh, this old thing?” she quipped and they both laughed.</p>
<p>“I see you brought your beau.” Dean motioned to her companion.</p>
<p>“Beau? C’mon Dean. I can do better than that,” she raised her eyebrow. “That’s just my bodyguard.”</p>
<p>“Ooh, fancy,” Dean chortled.</p>
<p>“A queen needs to stay safe,” she said as she winked at him. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to say hi to that gorgeous man over there.”</p>
<p>Dean kissed her hand as she walked away swaying her hips provocatively, beelining for an attractive silver fox that Dean also wouldn’t mind knowing.</p>
<p>He met some of their family friends and cousins that welcomed him to the family and told him how gorgeous he was as if he had not heard that all his life. At midnight he shared a mind-blowing kiss with Castiel as they watched the ball drop.</p>
<p>"Happy New Year babe," Dean smiled as he kissed Castiel again swaying to the music.</p>
<p>"Happy New Year to you too, " Castiel chortled, grabbing Dean's ass. Dean smirked.</p>
<p>"I can't believe it's 2012," Dean said, taking Castiel's hand and twirled. He was an amazing dancer. Castiel was not, so he just swayed and he watched Dean move.</p>
<p>"According to the Mayan calendar this is the year the world ends," Castiel said with a serious look on his face. "Does that scare you?"</p>
<p>"No, because at least if there is an ounce of truth to it, I will die in your arms and that is enough for me," Dean whispered, giving Castiel a soft kiss on the lips. Castiel felt his heart flutter at Dean's words and just smiled because he knew if he spoke, he would break down. He still wondered what he ever did to deserve such an amazing man like Dean.</p>
<p>After the music had died down and guests had started to leave, Castiel said he had something to discuss with Michael, so Dean decided to get some fresh air and somehow ended up on the beach with fireworks going off in neighboring estates and lighting up the night sky. It reminded him of the Fourth of July they celebrated at Jody and Donna’s where he watched the fireworks with Castiel. He removed his boots and let his feet sink into the sand and watched the waves swoosh and crush on the beach and back again. He was happy at this very moment knowing that Castiel loved him. However, he felt like things were too perfect at the moment.</p>
<p>“Dean?” Adam’s voice called behind him. “Do you want company?”</p>
<p>“Sure, kid. I didn’t realize how much I love water until I came here.” Dean laughed. He had removed his shoes and folded his pants to walk on the beach. The sand felt amazing under his toes.</p>
<p>“I know what you mean,” he said, stepping next to Dean as they walked leisurely along the beach. They were quiet for a while enjoying the sound of the ocean until Adam spoke up again. “When I was little my mom used to take me to the beach all the time.”</p>
<p>“Yeah? That sounds nice,” Dean said for a lack of a better thing to say. This was awkward, he didn’t know what to say to someone ten years younger than him.</p>
<p>“Yeah. But when she died and I came to live with my dad, private school, and too many co-curricular activities make it so I rarely get that chance,” he said, shaking his head.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry about your mom kid. I lost my mom too,” Dean said.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry about your mom too. How did your mom die?” Adam asked. “Sorry I asked that. It’s insensitive. My dad wouldn’t be happy if he heard about this.”</p>
<p>“Well, I won’t tell if you don’t,” Dean placated him and chuckled. “She uh, she died in a house fire. She saved me and my baby brother but she couldn’t get out, so yeah, I grew up with my dad too.”</p>
<p>“That’s tragic. I’m so sorry. My mom was coming to pick me up from school. I had stayed late at the library, but she never made it. They said her brakes failed, so she lost control of the vehicle, but the car was new. I feel like someone ran her off the road. I tried telling the cops and even my dad, but they all dismissed me.”</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry. That must be heavy,” Dean soothed. “What made you think that she was run off the road?”</p>
<p>“I mean I was only ten but I’m super smart, like my dad,” Adam realized he was bragging and chuckled. Dean joined in. “So, I asked to see the crime scene photos, the detective was skeptical at first, but my dad told him to just show me and I swear there was a different set of tires. Looked like a truck or something, but since they were overlapping with my mom’s sedan, the detective said it was hard to determine exactly what happened. They also said that after impounding the car, they found that the brakes were loose. Which apparently was not uncommon with the car model, so the case was closed.”</p>
<p>“Wow, that <em>is</em> heavy,” Dean said, turning to look at Adam who had now stopped and was looking out at the ocean. “I hope that it wasn’t sabotaged though. I’m an engineer and I know that these things happen. I know of a guy who almost died because he refused to believe that his new car had rusted brake pads.”</p>
<p>“I’ve done my research on it, and I know it’s not uncommon, but I just got this feeling in my gut that something was off and I still can’t put a finger on it.”</p>
<p>“I know that feeling. But as my uncle Bobby keeps saying, there’s no need to worry about it. The truth will out, eventually.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Adam said and started walking again. Dean followed suit. He felt sad for him and wished he could help him, but he knew people coped differently with grief. It had been thirteen years since Adam’s mom passed but he was still hung up on it. He hoped that someday Adam would find peace.</p>
<p>“So what do you study?” Dean asked</p>
<p>“Law,” Adam said plainly.</p>
<p>“That’s so cool. My brother, Sam, is a lawyer.”</p>
<p>“Nice. It’s hard though.”</p>
<p>“So I have been told. But I think you can do it.”</p>
<p>How do you know?”</p>
<p>“Because you’ve survived the worst thing you ever could.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, Dean,” Adam said sincerely and patted Dean on the back as they walked up to where Castiel and his siblings sat around a firepit.</p>
<p>“Don’t mention it kid,” Dean smiled at him as he watched Adam walk to where some of his younger cousins were watching fireworks blow up. Dean walked over to Castiel and kissed his hair. Castiel took Dean’s hand and pulled him onto his lap. Everyone laughed.</p>
<p>“You know, Dean. I have known Castiel all my life and I have never seen him taken with anyone the way he is taken with you,” Michael said as he threw a small rock into the fire. They were all drinking and Hannah passed a beer to Dean.</p>
<p>“Facts!” Hannah shouted.</p>
<p>“Dean is <em>taken</em> as well, and I mean that in every sense of the word, if the screams I have been hearing from that room are anything to go by,” Balthazar chimed in as he sipped his wine and laughed. Dean got off Castiel’s lap and punched Balthazar playfully on the arm, Castiel rolled his eyes as Michael and Hannah laughed. Balthazar winced and rubbed his arm where Dean had hit him as Dean sat between his boyfriend and Balthazar. “The first day when I got in, I thought you were choking.”</p>
<p>“He was choking on something alright,” Castiel quipped, which sent everyone but Dean rolling with laughter.</p>
<p>“Really, Babe? You stooped down to Zar’s level?” Dean eyed Castiel and bit his lip.</p>
<p>“What can I say, I have an impressive package, and the way you take it is just one of my favorite things,” Castiel whispered in Dean’s ear and nibbled on his earlobe. Dean felt a jolt run down his spine, and he swallowed hard to keep himself from moaning.</p>
<p>“Get a room you two,” Hannah smirked and Balthazar nodded his head enthusiastically. They all laughed and then a comfortable silence fell around them save for the sound of fireworks going off around them and lighting up the night sky.</p>
<p>“What was meeting Naomi like,” Michael asked.</p>
<p>“It was tense as y’all saw at dinner that first day, then it got tenser, then she threatened to hurt me if I hurt this precious angel, but now I think she loves me,” Dean chuckled. Castiel shook his head.</p>
<p>“Sounds like her,” Balthazar stated. “She’s all bark and no bite, though. Don’t worry.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, mom wants everyone to think she’s tough, but deep down she’s the sweetest,” Hannah assured and Castiel snorted.</p>
<p>“Is she?” Castiel questioned a note of sarcasm in his voice.</p>
<p>“You know she is Cassie. She took me in and raised me when my mom died and raised me with you guys. I mean she can be overbearing sometimes, but she means well,” Balthazar observed.</p>
<p>“I guess she is,” Castiel agreed, looking at Dean and then at the back porch where his mother stood chatting with some guests.</p>
<p>“And dad?” Michael inquired further.</p>
<p>“He’s so cool. I even forgot that he’s like a billionaire and also my favorite author the entire time we were talking,” Dean rambled.</p>
<p>“What?!” It seemed like everyone exclaimed simultaneously, gawking at him.</p>
<p>“Yeah. He was so gentle and we talked and laughed about books mostly but I had fun.”</p>
<p>“Wow, that’s a first,” Michael said and rubbed his thighs. “The only other person who talks like that about Chuck is Nick.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Chuck is-” Balthazar started.</p>
<p>“A lot,” Castiel finished. “But I’m glad you two got along.” He kissed Dean’s nose and fireworks went off. It was beautiful.</p>
<p>“That’s really nice Dean. I need to go find Adam and make sure he’s not smoking weed gain,” Michael laughed.</p>
<p>“Let the boy have some fun, Jesus,” Balthazar chided.</p>
<p>“When you have a son or become a parent, feel free to use that advice. Until then, leave my parenting skills alone,” Michael defended himself standing up. Balthazar raised his hands in surrender. Michael walked away. Hannah had zoned out and was scrolling and tapping away on her phone.</p>
<p>“Since we’re leaving early tomorrow I think we also need to get some sleep,” Castiel said as he got up and put his hand out to help Dean up as well.</p>
<p>“Okay, goodnight guys,” Hannah said looking up. “It was nice meeting you Dean. “</p>
<p>“Nice to meet you, Hannah,” Dean smiled at her, “Goodnight.”</p>
<p>“Don’t keep me up tonight, I have a meeting tomorrow, very early,” Balthazar grinned.</p>
<p>“I won’t make any promises, but I will try my best,” Dean winked as he and Castiel left.</p>
<p>They were exhausted and as soon as their heads hit the pillows, they were fast asleep with Castiel being the little spoon this time.</p>
<p>Before they left, Chuck gave Dean signed first editions of all his books, including the last two which were yet to be released, and told him he’d be the first to get his autobiography. Naomi told him to take care of her son or she would keep her promise.</p>
<p>As they flew back to New York, he couldn’t help but think about how he wanted to have a family of his own with Castiel.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sam has had enough of the horny lovebirds. Cas has an important question for Dean. Dean is suspiscious because Cas is acting fishy</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Implied smut and angst.<br/>Also pray for Sam.</p><p>Enjoy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <strong>
      <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVdPh2cBTN0">“Well you look like yourself, but you're somebody else only it ain't on the surface. Well you talk like yourself, no, I hear someone else though and now you're making me nervous.” - Flora Cash.</a>
    </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>January 2012 was not a particularly good month for Sam. Work was too demanding and at home, which was his safe haven, it was even worse. Castiel was living with them because his condo had a plumbing issue. Dean, being the awesome boyfriend that he was, had invited his boyfriend to stay with them instead of staying at a hotel. Castiel was supposed to be their guest for a week. Only a week. And at first, Sam had loved having one of his best friends around. But then one week turned into three weeks and Sam was slowly losing his mind. He just needed some <em>fucking</em> sleep. Space wouldn’t hurt either.</p><p>Sam was asleep when he heard Sarah shriek. She was spending the night and must’ve woken up to go get water or something, so Sam rushed to her aid but was met by a shocked Sarah at the doorway of his room. When he asked her what was wrong, she just said ‘kitchen’ and ran into the bedroom. Sam walked towards the kitchen with a bat ready to fight whatever it was that had spooked his girlfriend. What he saw was a naked Castiel holding a can of whipped cream with an equally naked Dean giggling behind him. They were clearly drunk.</p><p>“Seriously guys?” Sam asked in disbelief as he stared them up and down. “Put on some <em>fucking</em> clothes!”</p><p>“You put on some clothes,” Dean giggled. Castiel tried to maintain a straight face, but the look of horror on Sam’s face as he tried to cover his eyes made him laugh. Sam uncovered his eyes and glared at them, so Castiel took Dean’s hand and ran back to Dean’s room spraying each other with whipped cream.</p><p>Sam stood in the middle of the kitchen, the bat hanging loosely in his hand, and shook his head. He didn’t know what time it was, but he knew he couldn’t go back to sleep after what had happened. Unfortunately, by the look of things, neither was the couple. They would, no doubt, be going at it for a while still, so he decided to pour himself some coffee and get some work done instead.</p><p>The next time it happened, Sam had just come home from work, around four in the afternoon. He was supposed to travel the next day for an impromptu meeting that had come up in Los Angeles. He had come home to pack and rest before his flight at 2 am because he wouldn’t get time to rest after the flight. However, as soon as he walked into the apartment, he heard Dean screaming and the sound coming from the bathroom. It was a workday, so why Dean was home was a mystery.</p><p>“Fuuuuck! Oh God! Ahh!” Dean screamed and Sam had never run so fast to help his brother. Dean had probably fallen in the shower, but upon opening the bathroom door, he saw two figures, who he assumed were Dean and Castiel, having sex. He couldn't really make out what was going on because of the amount of steam enveloping the shower walls, but from the way Dean was moaning, “Yes, Cas. Give it to me big guy. Just like that,” it was definitely them. Sam thought he might throw up, so he shut the bathroom door quickly but gently and went to his room to pack and gouge his eyes out. Thankfully he was leaving because he didn’t think he could face them.</p><p>He stayed sleepless that night too because the couple couldn’t be bothered to stop going at it. They were still going at it when he left for the airport around 10 pm. He didn't even have the guts to knock on Dean's door to tell him he'd be gone for a few days, but he texted him when he got to the airport. He was so done with them. And he was so <em>fucking</em> tired, both physically and just of the situation in general. It wasn’t the first time they had kept him awake with their loud bedroom activities, Dean was so loud. Sam couldn’t live like this anymore.</p><p>He talked to them about it when he got home from LA. The couple apologized profusely and said that they would be mindful and maybe spend most of the time at Castiel’s. It turned out that they were a couple of horny little liars because their promise only lasted for two days and they were back to giving Sam sleepless nights. Castiel <em>still</em> hadn’t gone back to his condo.</p><p>Sam started sleeping in the living room, and, after three days, he couldn’t stretch his body out properly. He had tried talking to his brother about it, and Dean had told him that he would resolve it but he didn’t. The next day Sam decided to put his foot down and was going to tell Castiel to leave, but when he came home, he found the couple cleaning up in the kitchen after what seemed like a rather steamy session from the way their clothes were strewn all over. Dean was standing in the kitchen naked while Castiel clad only in his pajama bottoms was wiping his chest and stomach with wet wipes.</p><p>“What the fuck guys?” Sam’s shocked voice exclaimed behind them. The couple spun around and looked at him horrified. Dean was hiding his crotch with his hands. “The fucking kitchen? Seriously?!”</p><p>“Sammy,” Dean laughed nervously trying to hide behind Castiel as he picked up his pajamas from the sink. “I thought you were coming back way later.”</p><p>“Well, Sarah wasn’t feeling well so I took her home. What the hell guys?” Sam looked disgusted and scarred, but most of all he seemed angry. “We eat here!”</p><p>“Sorry Sam, we got carried away,” Castiel finally spoke as he tightly squeezed the napkin he had used to clean them up in his hand.</p><p>“I won’t apologize, it was worth it babe, that thing you did with your-” Dean started.</p><p>“Stop! No! I can’t deal with this anymore!” Sam shook his head throwing his hands up in exasperation while looking at the couple disapprovingly. He started to walk away then stopped midway and said, “Family meeting in five minutes. But, clean the kitchen with a disinfectant first. Preferably bleach. Jesus!”</p><p>Dean and Castiel looked at each other, and there was a short pause before they burst out laughing.</p><p>“Don’t listen to him babe, that was definitely worth it,” Dean whispered into Castiel’s ear as they finished cleaning up.</p><p>The ‘family meeting’ involved Sam mostly reprimanding them, especially Dean, but it was agreed that they needed to tone it down. However, Castiel had an idea that he had wanted to talk to Sam about before he asked Dean about it. That's how he ended up in one of Sam’s favorite vegan restaurants having lunch.</p><p>“So, the thing I wanted to talk to you about is,” Castiel said sipping his smoothie, “I want to ask Dean to move in with me.”</p><p>“Wow, that’s- that’s huge,” Sam said as he stopped his forkful of vegetables midway before putting them back on his plate. “Have you talked to Dean about it?”</p><p>“No, I wanted to let you know first since you two live together. Essentially ask for your blessing,” Castiel said, eyeing Sam. “Also, I wanted to know how Dean would react, you know him best.”</p><p>“I'm cool with it. It would mean Sarah and I have the place to ourselves, and even better, it would mean no more walking in on you guys going at it in the kitchen or having to wear earplugs to bed. I'm tired of hearing Dean screaming your name and telling you how big your schlong is,” Sam grimaced and shook his head as if he was trying to erase a jarring moment. Castiel knew which ones.</p><p>“Schlong?” Castiel raised his eyebrow in amusement. Sam rolled his eyes. “Okay fine. So I have your blessing on this?”</p><p>“You have all the blessings. I mean I love you both, but I need sleep,” Sam huffed and sipped his celery juice.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>“Happy Valentine's Day,” Castiel hummed in Dean's ear and kissed him as he slipped into his seat. He had just come from the bathroom. They were having dinner at Dean’s favorite restaurant when Castiel gave him a small black box.</p><p>“Babe, I hope this is not an over-the-top gift because you know I hate it when you do that,” Dean said, eyeing Castiel curiously.</p><p>“Just open it, you paranoid baby.” Castiel smiled and watched as Dean’s long fingers reached for the small box and opened it.</p><p>“A key?” Dean looked up at him, bewildered. Castiel’s heart was racing because he didn’t know what Dean was thinking so he just swallowed hard and nodded. “To your apartment?” Dean asked again, taking the key in hand and inspecting it as if it was the most bizarre thing he’d seen in his life. Castiel nodded again. “Does it mean what I think it means?” Dean continued with his line of questioning.</p><p>“And what do you think it means?” Castiel’s response was almost a whisper because there was a lump in his throat. He sipped his water to help shove it down but it kept growing.</p><p>“You want me to move in with you?” Dean offered.</p><p>“Mmhmm,” is all Castiel managed to hum. He sipped some more water, but it wasn't quenching his dry throat, so he drank half the glass. Dean was watching him intently now and it made Castiel more nervous.</p><p>“Of course, Cas!” Dean exclaimed and a few heads turned around them. Dean mouthed ‘sorry’ and in a much lower voice he said, “Cas, I would love that.”</p><p>“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want you to feel like I’m forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do. I mean we’ve only been together for a year, and it might feel like too soon. And you must be worried about Sam, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m keeping you from your brother. I mean you can keep the key and use it whenever you want. I just thought you might want your own space because-” Castiel was rambling.</p><p>“Cas, will you stop, please.” Dean stretched out his hand and placed it on Castiel’s to calm him. “I have been thinking about it for a while too. I mean, Sam keeps complaining about how we make too much noise.”</p><p>“You’re the loud one, not me,” Castiel defended himself. It was true, Dean was loud during sex, and it wasn’t like Castiel minded it. In fact, he loved that he could make Dean loosen up like that and make the most obscene noises and say the filthiest things, more than usual. He found it incredibly sexy. Anyone who didn’t know Dean would think he was just a gorgeous nerd who wore sweaters and reading glasses, but Castiel knew the extent of his kinky thoughts and how sexy he was.</p><p>“Okay, fine, I’m the noisemaker, but you’re to blame for it,” Dean huffed before laughing. “I talked to Sam, and he said he didn’t mind me being away. He needed the peace and quiet.”</p><p>“He said the same thing to me. So you’re not mad?”</p><p>“No, Cas. I was waiting for the perfect time to bring it up to you, but it looks like you beat me to it,” Dean ran his fingers along Castiel’s hand and looked at his big beautiful eyes. “So yes, I will move in with you.”</p><p>“Should we get a new place?’ Castiel asked. “I feel like mine is kind of small.”</p><p>“Let’s see how it works out for like three months and after that, we can decide whether to get a bigger place.”</p><p>That is how Dean found himself living in Riverside with Castiel. He never got tired of the view. Of course, the view outside was better because of the floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room overlooking the park and the view of the river from their bedroom window.</p><p>Castiel had thought that Dean would hate it here, but he confided that he loved the peace and quiet. There were no neighbors barging in to say hello or hang out. Of course, they still went to Brooklyn for their Sunday dinners, and everyone asked when they could come visit. All Dean would say was that he wanted to enjoy the peace and quiet with his boyfriend for a few months before he would invite them over.</p><p>“Okay, let’s do it!” Dean exclaimed out of the blue startling Castiel who was trying to make cookie dough. It was a month after he had moved in with Castiel.</p><p>“Dean, my dick needs rest. I fear you broke it,” Castiel whined.</p><p>“No, you perv. I meant let’s get a place together,” Dean explained as he wrapped his hands around Castiel’s waist and kissed his cheek. “My ass is sore too. Need one of those doughnut pillows to sit,” he whispered and nibbled on his boyfriend’s earlobe.</p><p>“Wait, did I hurt you that bad?” Castiel worried that they had gone too far with the spanking this time.</p><p>“No! I loved it. Reminds me of you every time I sit,” Dean whispered and turned Castiel around to face him. “House? Apartment?”</p><p>“Oh yeah, that. What do you think?”</p><p>“Apartment, maybe something that has an extra room. We need an office or library space.”</p><p>“Why not both?” Castiel offered. “House and apartment.”</p><p>“What happens if this doesn’t work out?” Dean bit his lip when he realized what he had just said.</p><p>“Do you have any plans of breaking up with me that I don’t know about?” Castiel asked, not offended at all. He knew that Dean worried a lot. “I was thinking this is forever. Marriage. Kids. Everything that comes with that. ”</p><p>“Yeah?” Dean looked at him and he felt his heart swell when Castiel looked back at him with a glimmer in his eyes. “Mr. Castiel Winchester. It has a nice ring to it.”</p><p>“It does, doesn’t it? But I’d prefer Dean Shurley,” Castiel countered.</p><p>“What? Why do I have to give up my last name?” Dean pouted.</p><p>“Why do I?” Castiel challenged.</p><p>“Because you love me,” Dean said, smiling.</p><p>“When you say it like that how could I say no.” Castiel grinned back before kissing him.</p><p>“So, living situation,” Dean inquired, returning to the previous conversation after they had broken apart for air.</p><p>“Yes, that. What do you think of the Upper East Side?” Castiel asked.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>“This is the one," Dean smiled as he walked into the walk-in closet in the master bedroom. "It’s my favorite. It has everything we need and the views are breathtaking."</p><p>“I love it too,” Castiel agreed. “And the fact that it has a big office space that we can share."</p><p>"Mmmh...and that kitchen. Did you see the size of that pantry?" Dean gushed.</p><p>"And the spacious four bedrooms? So we can make one a guest room and the two extra bedrooms can be for our kids. I think we found the one.”</p><p>“Kids? As in plural?” Dean asked bewildered. “How many are we thinking?”</p><p>“Two,” Castiel answered, slipping his hand around Dean’s waist and pulling him close as they walked out of the closet to view the other rooms. The natural light from the floor-to-ceiling windows illuminated the spacious rooms perfectly. It was breathtaking and the fact that he was doing this with Dean felt like he was dreaming.</p><p>“Ah, me too. Two girls,” Dean said as they walked down the stairs into the kitchen.</p><p>“Oh, really? Because I wouldn't mind a boy and a girl.”</p><p>“That would be awesome. I can already see them running up and down this hallway.”</p><p>“Then it’s settled. We’re decorating one of the bedrooms pink and the other one blue,” Castiel laughed.</p><p>“I'm all for gender neutrality, so I vote yellow or white,” Dean said, opening the pantry and thinking of all the things he would stock it with.</p><p>“Or any other colour. And yeah, labels suck.” Castiel smiled at him and went to check out the faucet.</p><p>By the end of the week, they were moving into their condo in Soho. They didn’t know anyone there and moving had been a pain in the ass. They argued on what to keep from their old apartments, but since they couldn’t agree on anything they decided to splurge on all new furniture and everything else.</p><p>Sam and Sarah had helped them move, and that’s when it happened. As they were helping them unpack, Sarah found Castiel’s portfolio. Her father, Daniel Blake, owned a gallery in Soho where he showcased everything from Renaissance art to upcoming new photographers. Sarah was an Art major who also worked at her father’s gallery whenever she was not at school. So, she was intrigued when she saw Castiel’s work.</p><p>“Wow, these are beautiful,” Sarah’s voice came from the living room.</p><p>“What are?” Dean asked as he walked to see what Sarah was talking about. Castiel and Sam were fixing a bed upstairs.</p><p>“These photographs,” she smiled at him and raised Castiel’s portfolio. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude. It was just laying there.”</p><p>“No it’s fine, he has amazing talent, but he won’t share it with the world. If I only had half of it…” Dean started.</p><p>“If only you had half of what?” Castiel chimed in.</p><p>“Your talent,” Dean replied looking up at his big blue eyes. “Sarah found your portfolio.”</p><p>“Oh god no,” Castiel scrambled to grab it out of Sarah’s hands. “These are awful.”</p><p>“What do you mean? Some world-renowned photographers don’t have half the talent you have,” Sarah tried to reassure him.</p><p>“Let me see,” Sam joined in. “I’m your friend so you know I’ll be brutally honest.”</p><p>Castiel tried to hide the portfolio, but Sam wrestled him for it, and being the giant he was, he won the match. He took the portfolio and flipped through it until the last page which was Dean’s portrait.</p><p>“Wait. Is this Dean?” Sam grinned. “Oh Lord! This is. Wow. This is exquisite, Cas. Wait, are you wearing mascara?”</p><p>“Shut up!” Dean scolded and rolled his eyes. “But I have to agree his work is amazing. I particularly like the one with the jockeys on horseback while the horses are in motion.”</p><p>“Right?” Sarah agreed. “I mean that and the portrait of you. Oh and the lady in the yellow dress and the gigantic hat too! I love them all.”</p><p>“Guys, stop. Flattery won’t get you anywhere,” Castiel said in a tired voice. “I’m tired and I need to rest so if we could just eat so I can relax and not hear all this ‘he has talent talk’. It’s just a hobby.”</p><p>“Cas…” Dean started, but then he stopped because he realized that Castiel was not in the mood to argue, neither was he.</p><p>“Hey, my dad owns a gallery, and I’m sure he would love to showcase these. Can I borrow one of these portfolios?” Sarah tried one last time. “Just for his eyes.”</p><p>Castiel huffed and rubbed his eyes.</p><p>“If it will get you all to stop pestering me, then fine,” Castiel sighed and went to the kitchen to unpack their lunch delivery.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>It was the first week of May when Castiel’s work debuted at the gallery. Sarah showing her father some of Castiel’s work had turned into Mr. Blake calling Castiel to his office to discuss how he wanted him to join his Spring showcase of upcoming new artists which included photographers. It had taken a lot of convincing from Dean and Sarah before he finally caved in.</p><p>It was nothing like he had expected. He had never showcased his work before so he didn’t expect anything to come of it. He had agreed with Sarah and her dad that the gallery would select a few portraits to display and they would give him feedback on whatever happened. The opening had been teased in the media with a few of his pieces and a plethora of other photographers' work.</p><p>It was an event for new and upcoming artists and photographers, so he didn’t let it get to his head that people might revere him or his work. He requested to remain anonymous though because he did not want to get his hopes up for nothing.</p><p>“Babe, just relax. It’s going to be okay,” Dean soothed, handing Castiel a steaming cup of chamomile tea.</p><p>“What if they hate it? I mean, I’ve never done this before, and I’m worried I put myself too far out there,” Castiel sipped the tea and grimaced when it burned his tongue but he took another sip anyway, shaking his leg nervously.</p><p>“I know, Cas. I know how you feel. Putting yourself out there is never easy but what’s the worst that can happen? Besides, no one knows who you are so it’s all good,” Dean tried to reassure him, rubbing his back.</p><p>“But I’ll know, you’ll know, Sarah will know, all our friends will know. Fuck! Why did I let you talk me into this?” Castiel was spiraling and Dean had run out of things to say to him. So he sat next to him, rubbing his back and later he massaged his shoulders and feet until he calmed down a bit and went to sleep.</p><p>However, it turned out to be a restless night for the both of them since Castiel tossed and turned, waking up Dean who had thought about getting up and sleeping in the guest room a few times but decided to just hold Castiel instead and that worked. This went on for three days until Dean had had enough. He tried to pull Castiel out of his funk but nothing worked. He ended up just dealing with it.</p><p> </p><p>It was Monday morning, a few days after the showcase. Castiel called Michael to let him know he would not come in that day, he was on edge and he doubted that he had it in him to get any work done. Luckily, Dean also had the day off, so he was grateful that he didn’t have to be in the office leaving his boyfriend stressed and functioning on no sleep. They slept until 10 in the morning when Castiel’s phone started ringing and would not stop ringing.</p><p>“Babe, shut that thing off, please. I need sleep,” Dean groaned and covered his ears with an extra pillow. He heard his boyfriend groan beside him, the bed dipped and then the bedroom door shut gently. Dean tried to eavesdrop but all he could hear was muffled voices and he couldn’t make out who was on the other end. His sleep was messed up now so he decided to just get up and go prepare breakfast. He needed coffee, a lot of coffee, to function.</p><p>Dean was leaning on the marble kitchen counter watching the coffee machine lazily as he yawned and scratched his stomach. His hair was a mess, his eyes were red and he was sure he had eye bags and his mouth felt like he had eaten sand. Castiel walked into the kitchen, shoulders slumped, huge bags under his eyes, and walked right into Dean and leaned on his chest. Dean hugged him and kissed his hair, but Castiel did not return the hug.</p><p>“They loved it,” he croaked.</p><p>“What?!” Dean exclaimed knowing what Castiel meant but wanting further clarification.</p><p>“They loved my work, especially that portrait of you. You know, the one I took that morning after we went to the club?”</p><p>“What?!” Dean said again with the biggest grin on his face. He hugged Castiel tighter and peppered his face with kisses. “I told you you’d do it, babe. I’m so proud of you.”</p><p>“Thanks for believing in me even when I didn’t,” Castiel whispered and kissed Dean. “They want to know who I am and who my muse was and I can’t right now. I need sleep.”</p><p>“It’s okay. You go to sleep. I’ll be here working on the final touches for my project. I’ll make something for you when you wake up. Okay?”</p><p>“Thanks, Dean.”</p><p>“Anytime, Cas.”</p><p> </p><p>By the end of the month, Castiel was all over the Arts and Culture media as the one to watch out for. Everyone was gushing about how talented he was, save for a few scathing reviews from the harshest critics. But in the end, they agreed he had talent. Of course, his mother called to congratulate him, but in that conversation, she was sure to tell him not to waste his time on art, and that he had a good, stable job so he shouldn’t pursue a hobby. Chuck called to ask what the hell was wrong with him and told him not to tarnish the family name with a hobby, and he wasn't that talented anyway, you know the same old bullshit, nothing new.</p><p>The thing that made him emotional was how people talked about Dean’s photo and wanted to know who his muse was. So Castiel did the one thing he had vowed not to do. He started an Instagram account and posted a photo of just Dean's eyes with the caption, <em><strong>‘My muse. My inspiration. My righteous man.’</strong></em> He posted it and honestly forgot about it until his phone started blowing up with notifications, calls, and emails from magazines and fans. People asked for interviews and wanted to know more about his muse and who he was.</p><p>“I think I messed up,” Castiel confessed laying on Dean’s thighs as he watched the television. Dean was reading.</p><p>“What did you do?” Dean asked, flipping the page.</p><p>“I shared a photo of your eyes on my Instagram account and now my phone is blowing up.”</p><p>“What?! When?” Dean exclaimed, putting a bookmark on the page he had been reading and closed the book.</p><p>“Today. I decided it was time I answered everyone’s question about who my muse is and so I just posted the photo and now everyone wants to do an interview with me and know who the gorgeous mystery man is,” Castiel huffed. Dean ran his fingers through his thick dark hair.</p><p>“That’s...wow...I don’t know what to say.”</p><p>“Are you mad at me?” Castiel asked, sitting up abruptly. Dean frowned.</p><p>“What? No, babe. I’m just overwhelmed that people were so intrigued with your work and now they want you to do interviews.”</p><p>“I was shocked too,” Castiel confided. “I mean my family has been in the media a few times because of SBMC, I have been on Forbes with my family, and then there was the whole Nick debacle, and the time Chuck came out as Carver Edlund, but never anything like this- something I achieved without my family being tied to it, you know.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Dean understood. “Do the interviews. You deserve this.”</p><p>“You think I should?” Castiel asked, shocked as if he was expecting Dean to talk him out of it.</p><p>“Yes,” Dean kissed him and stood up from the sofa to go start making dinner. “Follow me on Instagram by the way.”</p><p>“Wait, you are on Instagram too?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Your username?”</p><p>“Impala67”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I only post photos of <em>Baby</em>.”</p><p>Castiel laughed and searched Impala on the app. It was the second account suggestion that showed up on the search. He smiled as he saw Dean’s very flattering pictures of the car and followed him.</p><p>“Is it weird that I am jealous of a car?” Castiel asked, walking towards Dean who was adding pasta to boiling water.</p><p>“<em>Baby</em> is not just a car. She’s my baby,” Dean reprimanded him. “Show some respect, man.”</p><p>“Okay, relax <em>Impala67</em>. I followed you by the way. Follow back, I go by Castiel.”</p><p>“I will consult with <em>Baby</em> and see whether we should follow you back.”</p><p>“Jesus! You are insufferable.”</p><p>“But you love me for it.”</p><p>“I do,” Castiel muttered under his breath.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>Dean rushed to his office and closed the door behind him, placing his files on the desk and pulling a seat next to Charlie.</p><p>“<em>Shit!</em> I missed it, didn’t I?” Dean huffed and clenched his jaw.</p><p>“No, just the first half which was mostly about his fucked up family. You know, all that jazz,” Charlie responded, sliding a Starbucks cup towards Dean. “Black.”</p><p>“Thanks. Rufus kept me up there for so long. Apparently, I have been nominated for the Engineer’s Guild award in the Young Innovators category,” Dean looked bewildered, it’s like he was still trying to process what Rufus had just told him.</p><p>Yes, he had a few things to do to polish up on his project, but it had passed all the required tests and the Engineer’s Guild, which was America’s most affluent engineers’ association, had loved what he had done.</p><p>“That’s amazeballs my dude,” Charlie punched him in the arm and hugged him sideways.</p><p>“For a tiny person you are really strong,” Dean winced, rubbing his arm.</p><p>“Stop being a baby,” Charlie rolled her eyes. “Here...it’s back.”</p><p>The host of <em>Good Morning New York</em>, Pamela, sat on a couch across from Castiel who looked hot as hell. Dean smirked and licked his lips. His cock stirred in his pants, so he couldn’t wait to get home and get Castiel out of those clothes. He was wearing a leather jacket that Dean had gotten him, fitted dark jeans, a white T-shirt, and a pair of brown Chelsea boots.</p><p>Charlie nudged him, “Your man is sexy as fuck.”</p><p>“Tell me about it,” Dean smiled as he wore his reading glasses to look at the laptop where they were viewing the interview. “No more talking, I want to hear what he has to say.”</p><p>Charlie sighed and sat back watching as the host welcomed the audience back to the show and did some promotional stuff by mentioning their sponsors for the show.</p><p>“So, for the moment we have all been waiting for. That portrait. I mean, Castiel, wow,” Pamela gushed. “Can you do me?”</p><p>“Well, I am flattered Pamela, but I am spoken for so I will have to decline that offer,” Castiel quipped.</p><p>“Talented and funny,” Pamela laughed as the audience rolled in laughter. “I meant my portrait, you flirt.”</p><p>“Yes, that I can do, but don’t expect it to turn out like that,” Castiel joked and Pamela held her heart and opened her mouth scandalized.</p><p>“Who is that anyway? I know you made a vague Instagram post, your first actually,” Pamela said and pointed at the screen in front of her. The post that Castiel had made appeared all over the screens in the studio. The audience gasped and there were ooos and awws everywhere. “The caption said ‘My muse, my inspiration, my righteous man’ and then just the most gorgeous hazel eyes I have ever seen. Who is that?”</p><p>Charlie nudged Dean again. Dean’s heart was thudding in his chest. They had agreed that it was okay for Castiel to say who his inspiration was, no names yet, that would be reserved for later when the frenzy had died down.</p><p>“Oh Pamela, curious aren’t we?” Castiel laughed.</p><p>“Aren’t we all?” Pamela asked, leaning back on the sofa and looking at the audience.</p><p>“YES!!!” The audience chorused and Castiel laughed and shook his head.</p><p>“All I can say is that the post said it all,” Castiel smiled at the audience.</p><p>“C’mon. That’s all you’re going to give us?” Pamela needled. “Give us something.”</p><p>“Tell you what, that’s the love of my life right there,” Castiel said matter-of-factly and leaned back as the audience went crazy.</p><p>Charlie gasped and looked at Dean beside her. Dean managed a smile amidst all the shaking his body was doing. He was afraid Castiel would say something shocking but <em>the</em> <em>love of his life</em>? That he had not expected.</p><p>“Wow, that’s uh...give us more,” Pamela pleaded.</p><p>“I want to keep him all to myself Pamela because I know some people are just waiting to pounce on him,” Castiel laughed.</p><p>“That’s true. God! He’s so gorgeous. Looks unreal,” Pamela blurted out.</p><p>“Oh, I assure you he is real. Truthfully, I sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming,” Castiel swooned. You could almost see hearts in his eyes.</p><p>“Is that why you referred to him as ‘my righteous man’?” Pamela asked gently.</p><p>“No. It was because of the sum of all his parts. His beauty, his personality, and the love he showers me with daily. He’s everything and more.”</p><p>“Who is this man?” Pamela breathed out, pondering. “I want one.”</p><p>“That is the billion-dollar question, isn’t it?” Castiel smirked and the audience burst out laughing. Pamela laughed and shook her head.</p><p>“I hope I get the exclusive when you decide to show him to the world,” Pamela said.</p><p>“Of course,” Castiel smiled at her.</p><p>“It was a pleasure having you here today. I'll see you again soon, I hope.”</p><p>“If you'll have me. It was a pleasure being here. Thank you.”</p><p>“That’s it, folks. See you tomorrow. Same time. Same place,” Pamela announced and the show cut to commercial as the dying applause of the audience faded.</p><p>Dean sat quietly staring at the computer. The room had gotten too hot, there were butterflies in his stomach, and his heart was thudding so hard he was afraid Charlie could hear it.</p><p>“Dude, how did you get the looks, the brains, the money, and the perfect boyfriend?” Charlie babbled.</p><p>“I don’t know, but I am going to marry that <em>sonofabitch!</em>” Dean breathed out and Charlie just stared at him with the biggest grin on her face.</p><p>“Dude, you better or I will,” Charlie cautioned.</p><p>“But you’re gay, Charlie!”</p><p>“Exactly!”</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>After that interview, things changed for Castiel. He started getting calls from agents for representation, as magazines, as well as tv and radio stations, wanted him for interviews, but he declined them. All he wanted was to take photographs, so that’s what he did during the weekends. Dean was happy for him and things were going great.</p><p>Until they weren’t.</p><p>They couldn’t be together in public anymore unless they were in disguise. Dean was not used to this. Sarah assured them that the heat would die down after the first few months when a new artist rose to fame, but it was taking longer than Dean had expected. He missed doing the things he and Castiel loved to do with each other on a regular basis. Like, going on dates or drives, shopping, and watching old movies in drive-ins. Most of the time, they had to go out of town to do these things and it was starting to weigh on Dean.</p><p>He thought things were bad then, but it got worse. Castiel started working more. They stopped having dinner together every day like they used to. He was working late at SBMC, and on weekends, if he didn’t have a shoot, he was traveling to meet with clients for potential photography jobs, magazines who wanted a new aesthetic to their photographs, or whatever else it was they wanted. Dean could not keep up with the frenzy. He had never been this lonely in his life.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>Dinner is getting cold. Where are you?</strong></em> Dean sent the text. He had been waiting for Castiel so they could eat dinner as was their tradition since they had moved in together.</p><p><br/><strong><em>Sorry. Go ahead and eat without me. I’ll be late.</em></strong> Came Castiel’s reply almost immediately.</p><p><br/><em><strong>Again?</strong></em> Dean was worried, this was the second time it had happened in a span of a month.</p><p><br/><em><strong>Something came up.</strong></em> Came Castiel's reply.</p><p><br/><strong><em>Okay. I love you.</em></strong> Dean replied.</p><p><br/><em><strong>Me too.</strong></em> Castiel responded and Dean's heart sank and his appetite dissipated.</p><p>This was happening more often now, it had been two months. It was the end of Summer and Dean’s mood was changing with the weather. He had had enough, and he needed to do something about it. When they first moved in together, they had had dinner together every night and were driven to work together every morning. But now, Castiel came home when Dean was asleep and left before he woke up. Dean still got driven to work by their driver, Kelvin, who had been Castiel’s driver and bodyguard since before he moved back to New York. Naomi had insisted that he gets a bodyguard and Castiel agreed only on the condition that he would choose his own bodyguard.</p><p>Kelvin had been recommended by Balthazar. He was Balthazar’s friend and had worked in the special forces, so he was not a man who was scared of anything. It also helped that he could keep a secret and knew a lot about a lot of things. He never spoke much though.</p><p>So when Dean asked why his boyfriend kept leaving early and coming home late at night, Kelvin met his eyes through the rearview mirror. Kelvin did not need to say anything for Dean to understand that he could not divulge that information. Firstly, Dean knew he was wrong to ask him about Castiel and secondly he knew Kelvin wouldn’t want to meddle in their relationship, he was professional that way. Dean gave him a small smile, Kelvin smiled back and then looked at the road. Dean huffed and leaned back in the seat of the SUV knowing that he was alone in all this.</p><p>Dean did not talk about it with anyone, not his brother, not his friends, and not even with Mildred. He found a coping mechanism, cooking and baking. Thanks to the cooking lessons Castiel had paid for, he had accumulated a bunch of recipes. He ate almost everything he cooked or baked, food helped him cope. He was good at it, eating his feelings rather than talking about them. He would take the leftovers to Sam, Charlie and Max. When Charlie asked why he brought so much food, he said that he was trying new recipes.</p><p>The other way he coped was by attending his piano lessons. He had learned a lot since he started a few months ago. With everything he was feeling and going through, Dean found the perfect song he wanted to learn how to play. It spoke to him in ways that he couldn’t explain and made him cry every single time. Tears were good, he was letting it all out. His music teacher was kind enough to help him learn it, so whenever all his other coping mechanisms didn’t work, he would sit at the piano at home and practice.</p><p>He went to therapy but it wasn’t helping anymore because all he did was lie and say he was fine when he wasn’t. They mostly talked about his work and his dad. Talking about John made him feel bad because all he could think about was everything his father had put him through all his life. He couldn’t talk about Castiel because he felt that he had failed him, and he was in no position to deal with that at the moment. The only thing he could do was try to cope.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p><br/>It was Friday evening and he had made a decision to talk to Castiel because he couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t sleep in a cold empty bed one more night, so he waited for him to come home. Which he did. At three in the morning. He looked exhausted- there were bags under his eyes. But Dean didn’t care, he needed to have words.</p><p>“Hey babe,” Dean greeted softly, his heart was breaking and felt like there was a hole in it.</p><p>“Hello, Dean. Why are you up this late?” Castiel inquired as he put his suit jacket on the arm of the couch and slumped on it.</p><p>“I was waiting for you. We need to talk,” Dean said quietly. He wanted to shout at Castiel, punch him, even, but he didn’t want to fight, so he tried his best to restrain himself.</p><p>“Can we do this tomorrow? I need sleep,” Castiel huffed, opening the top two buttons of his white shirt and loosening his tie. Dean got slightly distracted by the sliver of tan skin. They hadn't had sex for a while and...no he needed to stay focused on the task at hand.</p><p>“No. We have to do it now because I know tomorrow you’ll have ‘to go to work’ too,” Dean airquoted. Castiel looked at him for the first time since he had walked in.</p><p>“What are the air quotes for?” He asked, his head tilted, eyes squinting, and his voice calm but with an edge in it.</p><p>“You seem to be working a lot lately,” Dean huffed and looked at Castiel’s eyes which looked away as soon as they met Dean’s. “What is going on? I feel like I did something wrong, and I’m being punished for it in the cruelest way. It would help if I knew what I did so I can apologize.”</p><p>“You didn’t do anything wrong. I have a lot going on right now. Okay? It has nothing to do with you or us.”</p><p>Dean swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. He hoped it would somehow fill the hole in his heart but he had no such luck. He wished he could tell Castiel that<em> this</em> had everything to do with him, with them, because he was lonely and sad and beat himself up thinking that it was something he did. But he didn’t because Castiel looked tired and irritable.</p><p>“Just know I am here if you need to talk, okay? We are best friends first, lovers second,” Dean reassured him.</p><p>“I know, Dean. But I am fine. You don’t have to worry about a thing,” Castiel unconvincingly tried to assure him. He stood up and walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek. “Goodnight, Dean.”</p><p>“Night, Cas,” Dean whispered. “I love you.”</p><p>Castiel did not say it back. <em>Maybe he did not hear it</em>, Dean tried to convince himself but he knew that he was only lying to himself. This is what their relationship had become. He wanted to go after Castiel and fight for their relationship but instead he just watched through tear-filled eyes as Castiel's back and beautiful ass climbed the stairs retreating to their bedroom.</p><p><br/>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>Castiel slammed a stack of office folders on Michael’s desk and glared daggers at him. Michael frowned at him, wondering why his little brother was being a little shit.</p><p>“How can I help you, Castiel?” Michael huffed and spun in his chair.</p><p>“What the hell did you do Michael?” Castiel asked as he shut Michael’s door behind him. He did not even bother to sit as he glared at his older brother.</p><p>“Whatever do you mean?” Michael wondered as Castiel pushed the folders he had come with towards him. Michael flipped through them but he did not understand what his brother was saying. “I don’t understand.”</p><p>“Stop playing coy and admit that you were in on Nick’s plan all along, yet here you are free. I am suffering because of your greed!” Castiel shouted.</p><p>“Okay, first of all, keep your voice down, this is an office. I’m not going to get into a screaming match with you. Secondly, I don’t have a clue about what you’re talking about, so if you could please take a seat and explain to me what the <em>fuck</em> you mean, that would be great, ” Michael said calmly but you could see the rage simmering just below the surface.</p><p>Castiel looked at him for a moment, rolled his eyes, huffed, opened his suit jacket, and sat down in the chair across from Michael’s desk. He crossed his legs and put his index on his jaw eyeing Michael.</p><p>“I started noticing things when we went to Santa Monica for New Year’s. Remember when I asked you to send me copies of the account files from your computer?” Castiel explained. Michael nodded with a frown on his face. He was a patient man, but this was getting on his nerves. <em>What the fuck did this have to do with him or Nick and greed?</em> But he kept his cool and let his brother finish.“I was going through them trying to compute our projections for the next five years when I came across something disturbing. The money that Nick embezzled was in the Cayman accounts, the FBI knows that but something wasn’t adding up. So I dug deeper and I found this,” Castiel pointed to a highlighted part. “I talked to an IT expert and on further digging, we found accounts in your name in Switzerland where some of the money had been transferred first before being transferred to the Cayman accounts.”</p><p>“What?!” Michael exclaimed looking shocked. “This is the first I’m hearing of it!”</p><p>“Oh, really? Because these are your signatures and fingerprints aren’t they? And this is you meeting with the president of the bank, isn’t it?” Castiel slammed a photograph of Michael with said bank president in front of him. Michael looked at all the information before him. He thought he was dreaming. <em>What the fuck was happening?</em></p><p>“Ye...yes I met with the guy because Nick asked me to. I was the COO at the time and I didn’t know it was a scheme to embezzle money or whatever,” Michael defended himself. This was unbelievable.</p><p>“Okay, let’s pretend for a moment that I believe you. How do you explain these fingerprints and signatures then?” Castiel stared at him.</p><p>“I...I honestly don’t know. I swear,” Michael seemed distraught, but Castiel thought he was pretending.</p><p>“I'm going to dad with this. I can’t believe I have been risking my life working with someone who would let his own brother go to prison when he was also involved,” Castiel sneered. “Am I next?”</p><p>“Do what you have to,” Michael said quietly and spun his chair to look outside at the Manhattan skyline. </p><p>Castiel shook his head, looking at the files and then at the back of Michael's head. He did not bother taking the files, he stood up from his seat and left Michael's office slamming the door behind him.</p>
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<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Castiel has a secret and Dean is unhappy. Dean's past haunts him.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>PLEASE WATCH OUT FOR THESE TRIGGER WARNINGS:</p><p>▪THOUGTHS OF SELF HARM<br/>▪SELF LOATHING<br/>▪ALCOHOLISM<br/>▪TALK ABOUT RAPE/NON-CON<br/>▪THOUGHTS OF CAUSING HARM TO OTHERS</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <strong>“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” -Haruki Murakami.</strong>
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</p><p>Dean swung the doors of the bar open and looked around. It was a Saturday evening, but there were only a handful of people drinking and dancing. All he wanted was a drink to drown his sorrows. His relationship was falling apart right before his eyes. He had tried everything he could to try and talk to Castiel, but he was either busy, never home, or just straight-up ignored Dean’s calls and texts. What he needed was to be around strangers, feel part of something bigger than himself. He didn’t want to bother his brother or their friends with his bullshit, but he needed to end things. He could not carry on like this. No matter how much he loved Castiel.</p><p>He saw an empty table in the corner, so he sat there and ordered two beers, a double cheeseburger, and a side of fries. He had noticed that his tummy was not looking all that perfect anymore with all the beer he was drinking and all the junk he was eating. It was no wonder Castiel didn’t even want to touch him anymore, he was a disgusting pig. It felt good, though, and no amount of working out in the gym helped. Honestly, he didn’t care anymore. Who was he staying in shape for? His boyfriend was done with him and he realized that his father had been right about him all along. He <em>was</em> a worthless son of a bitch. The burger was good, but the fries were shit. He ate them anyway.</p><p>He had gone to a bar just around the corner from his and Castiel's condo. He didn’t want to get drunk in public, he was still uncomfortable doing that, but he just needed to be around people and think. It just so happened that it was karaoke night at the bar. There was a young woman singing along to Elvis’ <em>Love me Tender</em>. She was completely botching it, but Dean thought it was funny. He was almost halfway through his first beer when he saw him. His heart raced so fast he thought he might pass out. His palms were sweaty but his body was cold, then it got hot, and then it went numb. There he was singing Dukes of Hazard’s <em>‘Good Ole boys’</em> which hit Dean with a wave of nostalgia about all the good times, and the not-so-good times and then…</p><p>“Dean Winchester, as I live and breathe,” the voice came from his side. He didn’t know how long he had zoned out but there he was.</p><p>“Lee?” Dean croaked. “I...uh…”</p><p>“It’s been too long, man. I mean more than two decades. How have you been?” Lee laughed and slapped Dean on his back. Dean looked at his open beer and downed it. He should make a run for it. He was <em>not</em> going to put himself in danger again, and yet his body wouldn’t move. Lee pulled the chair across from him and sat down, grinning at Dean, his eyes dancing with mirth in the soft lighting of the bar.</p><p><em>“You are not a victim, you are a survivor,”</em> Mildred’s soft voice echoed in his mind. He repeated the mantra a few times in his head, took a few calming breaths, and somehow his mind was calm, but he still knew he was seated with a snake. He needed to stay alert and watch himself.</p><p>“I’m...uh...good. You?” Dean asked, forcing a smile. <em>What the fuck was he doing talking to his rapist? Fuck.</em> Mildred had told him once that closure was good, but was this even closure?</p><p>“I’ve been good, buddy. Just moved to New York from Nashville. I’m teaching music at a school in Bushwick,” Lee laughed and asked the waitress to bring them beer. Dean just politely smiled. He didn't want to be rude by declining, but there was no way in hell he was going to drink it.</p><p>“You’re a teacher?” Dean was shocked. Lee did not have the patience to teach, neither did he.</p><p>“Not quite. I was just hired to teach music is all. There was no formal training or anything like that,” he smiled as he took one of the beers that the waitress had brought at the table and sipped it. Dean sat back and watched him. “You’re not having any?” Lee asked, pointing at the beers.</p><p>“I’m good thanks,” Dean’s voice was a bit cold when he said that, but he didn’t really care how Lee perceived it.</p><p>“My aunt told me about John,” Lee looked at him with his beady light blue eyes. Dean could see them peering at him as Lee forced himself...no. He wasn’t going to think about that. He instead looked at Lee’s hair which was much shorter now. He looked older, maybe caused by drug use, and he kept massaging the fingers on the hand that Gordon broke. Dean smiled a little thinking about Gordon and how he had always been there for him. Even after all these years, he was still looking out for him. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there.”</p><p>“It’s okay. It was so long ago and he had it coming anyway. He literally drank himself to death so... but I’m sorry too,” Dean huffed and looked away. His mind was telling him to leave, but still, his legs wouldn’t move. It was like he was stuck between stasis and being in an internal flight mode. His brain and body were not coordinating.</p><p>“Yeah,” Lee sipped his beer and watched Dean. “So what have you been up to all these years? Wife? Kids?”</p><p>“No. None of that,” Dean said quietly. He wished he could shove that bottle of beer down Lee’s throat right now. His smug smile and broad shoulders and his stupid hair were rubbing Dean the wrong way. <em>Fuck him.</em></p><p>“Boyfriend?” he wiggled his eyebrows and Dean’s body sprung up making a beeline for Lee’s throat and he choked him. Everyone was staring at them, but no one came to Lee's aid. Some even cheered him on and that's when Dean realized it was all in his head. He was still seated with a paralyzed body and an overactive brain. Man, would it have been good to kill this fucker right here. It’s weird how Lee evoked a kind of darkness inside Dean. He hadn’t felt like this since John.</p><p>“As a matter of fact, yes. I do have a boyfriend,” Dean scoffed and rolled his eyes. “What’s it to you, huh? Are you gonna fucking force yourself on me again because I’m gay or whatever?”</p><p>Lee gaped at him and choked on his beer. Dean folded his arms on his chest and watched the bastard choke. His lower body wouldn’t move, but Dean wished he could help the beer stuck in Lee’s throat along. He would’ve loved to shove his fist down his disgusting throat and watch the life leave his eyes.</p><p>“Wha...why would you say that?”</p><p>“It’s what you do right? At least that’s what you did to me. You took what wasn’t yours to take.”</p><p>“Dean,” he pleaded. “I thought we talked about this. We agreed that we were both drunk and our lines of communication were crossed.”</p><p>“Oh really? When did we talk about it? Was it when you forced yourself inside me? Or when you said I was asking for it? Or when I had to continue being your friend after the fact so you wouldn’t tell my dad about Cas? Or when I had to cry myself to sleep? Or that time when I almost died trying to dull the pain? You mean then?” Dean’s mouth kept going on. He had no control over it. Tears had brimmed in his eyes and he sniffled.</p><p>“Dean, come on. That was twenty years ago. Things were different then. I was drunk, we both were. I’m sorry that there was a miscommunication. I thought you wanted it. You kept saying <em>please</em>. What was I to do?” Lee was giving him his best puppy dog eyes, but he looked more like a hellhound. Dean wanted to vomit.</p><p>“I was begging you to stop. You fucking drugged me, and I…” Somehow Dean's lower body got a jolt of adrenaline because he stood up abruptly, left a fifty-dollar bill on the table, and walked out of the bar. Lee followed.</p><p>“I was young and stupid. I’m sorry if I hurt you,” Lee apologized as soon as he caught up with him. “But I swear, you wanted it. We both did.”</p><p>Dean laughed sarcastically and said, “If that helps you sleep at night then good for you. I have to go now. Don't follow me or I <em>will</em> call the police. Have a good night Lee.”</p><p>“Dean…” Lee called him but Dean kept walking, his body shaking, tears streaming down his face.</p><p> </p><p>Dean didn’t know how he got home, but he remembered the doorman handing him a yellow envelope. When he got inside the condo, he opened the envelope. He found some rather interesting photographs in the envelope. The next thing he knew, he was in the bathroom screaming and wailing like a wounded animal. He looked at himself in the mirror and all he saw was a broken guy- a victim of his father’s abuse, his brother’s keeper, a victim of rape, a man who couldn’t even keep a relationship for more than a year. He had failed in everything, and he wasn’t good for anyone. He was a fucking failure. That was what he was.</p><p>He screamed again, only this time, it was at himself. He punched the mirror, and he kept punching it, not realizing that he had cut himself and blood was streaming from the cuts. He swept all the products that were on the counter and they crashed on the floor, breaking and spilling. Then he moved to the wall and punched it hard, leaving bloodstains everywhere. He wanted to feel <em>anything</em> other than the feeling of disgust and failure that had consumed him since he left the bar.</p><p>He wanted to die.</p><p>He wasn’t good for anyone, not even for himself. So he did the only thing he could do. He opened the medicine cabinet and saw the painkillers there. That would do. He took the bottle, opened it, and poured about ten pills in his hand. They had a wine cellar, but it was downstairs, and he did not have the energy to walk all the way downstairs. Besides, wouldn't it be easier for the cleaning crew to clean up the bathroom?</p><p>He remembered Castiel kept a bottle of scotch in the cabinet at the sitting area in their bedroom, so he went to go get it. As he walked towards the cabinet, he saw their bed where he and Castiel had made love so many times. Where Castiel told him how beautiful he was, where Castiel read him the poems he had written for him, where Castiel told him his deepest darkest secrets, where he would snuggle with him on lazy Sunday mornings limbs tangled talking about their hopes and dreams. He remembered how they had talked about baby names.</p><p>
  <em>“Mmmh...Claire. I’ve always liked Claire,” Castiel laughed and fed Dean another chocolate-covered strawberry and handed him a glass of mimosa. Castiel had surprised him with breakfast in bed. He had somehow mastered how to make crepes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What about Emma? It’s a beautiful name.” Dean sipped his mimosa and bit the last piece of the strawberry, it was delicious. “Twin daughters, Emma and Claire, blonde hair, blue eyes.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hey, why do they get your hair?” Castiel pouted.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“They’d have your beautiful eyes and your big brain.” Dean kissed him, and his cock stirred when Castiel moved to kiss his neck.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“That’s fair, but you have a big beautiful brain too, and the most gorgeous face,” Castiel whispered in Dean’s ear and nibbled on his earlobe. “What about boy names?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Haven’treally thought about them. I’ve always wanted a daughter,” Dean said and let out a breathy moan as Castiel got on top of him and kissed him with fervor, food long forgotten, their bodies eager to become one.</em>
</p><p>As the memory faded, he stopped and heard Mildred’s voice at the back of his mind, <em>“You are not a victim. You're a survivor”</em>. He remembered Gordon’s face when he thought he had overdosed. He thought of Sam and what his death would do to him. He thought about his career and how much he loved his job, he thought about the award he had been nominated for. He thought of Charlie and how broken she would be if he....and Cas? He hated him right now, but he wouldn’t let him see him like that because he would be the one to find him. No. He wanted more out of life. He wanted to be more than just another victim of a cruel world.</p><p>He wanted to live.</p><p>He had to try and fight for his life at least one more time, but he was done fighting for his relationship. With that in mind, he returned the pills to the bottle and cleaned the bathroom the best he could. He took a shower, scrubbing hard trying to rid himself of all the filth of the bar, specifically trying to scrub Lee’s image from his mind and the thoughts of leaving it all behind that plagued him. He made sure that the water was scorching hot to burn it all away. He wept the entire time.</p><p>When he was done, he got out of the shower and looked at himself in the mirror. His skin was red from how hard he had scrubbed it and how hot the water had been. But even after everything he had done, the broken pieces of the mirror stared back at him, still cracked. He would still need the whiskey though and one last talk with his boyfriend before he moved on to the next chapter of his life.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>“So you won’t do anything about it?” Castiel asked exasperated, looking at Chuck’s emotionless blue eyes. <em>What a sociopath</em>. Castiel thought and let out a sigh.</p><p>“My hands are tied, son.” Chuck removed his reading glasses and cleaned them.</p><p>“But you’re still the chairman of the board, and it’s a private company. You have the final say!” Castiel exasperated and glared at him.</p><p>“Yeah, that’s true. I am the chairman of the board, but I can’t make that decision unilaterally. At least two-thirds of the board has to vote to oust him,” Chuck huffed. “Besides, they will know about it, and people talk. We don’t want that getting out to the media. But I also doubt it’s true. Michael would never…”</p><p>“Really? Like Nick would never embezzle funds? I mean it’s all here in black and white!” Castiel protested and then added sarcastically, “But I get it. You are worried that your precious company won’t survive another scandal.”</p><p>“Castiel what the hell is wrong with you?!” Chuck bellowed, his small frame standing abruptly from behind his desk, his fists planted firmly on his desk glaring at his son. “Signatures and thumbprints aren’t proof. All this can be faked. I am not going to put another one of my sons through shit just because you deem it fit!”</p><p>“Yeah? Am I not also your son? Did I not do everything you and mom asked of me? I did all of it to please you, but I realize now that I was stupid. You only like me when I do what you want and kiss your ass, don’t you? It’s either you report this and let the FBI decide or I quit!”</p><p>“Is that a threat?”</p><p>“No. It’s a promise.”</p><p>“Then, I’m not doing it.”</p><p>“If Michael is so innocent, what are you so afraid of, huh?” Castiel asked, challenging Chuck to come clean for once.</p><p>“I’m not afraid of anything. I just don’t wish to see another one of my children destroyed. Did you see what happened to Nick? He has gone mad. He’s living in fucking <em>Wisconsin</em> now. Wisconsin, Castiel. He’s apparently married and he has declined to come home. So no, I won’t do that to Michael!” Chuck exasperated. “And I know Michael, he’s honorable.”</p><p>“That’s the same thing you said about Nick. Look at him now,” Castiel said softly, he was so tired of this <em>shit.</em> Chuck always gave every one of his siblings except him the benefit of the doubt. “Would you say the same thing if Michael had come with this information about me?”</p><p>“Castiel…” Chuck started but Castiel cut him off.</p><p>“C’mon. Say it. Don’t be shy, it’s just the two of us here,” Castiel prodded him.</p><p>Chuck eyed him for a moment and then huffed, “I don't know, okay? Over the years you have acted like a mad man. You’ve always been irrational. You are...you’re the one with the crack in his chassis. Always doing the opposite of what you are told. So, yes, I would be inclined to believe it, albeit only some of it, not all of it.”</p><p>“Wow! There it is! The truth, finally!” Castiel laughed sardonically and shook his head. “To think that I might lose the love of my life because I have been too focused on finding the truth and saving the family business. You know what Chuck? Fuck you! And fuck this shit! I’m done!”</p><p>“Is that so? Quit then, but know this. You will be cut off from the family trust, and you better tell the ‘love of your life’ he will not be getting any more of my books from me either. He can buy them at the store like everyone else.”</p><p>“Your books are shit anyway! No one gives a fuck. I quit!”</p><p>“You are going to regret this Castiel. Don’t think your little fame and photography hobby is going to save you from the demons you’re running from.”</p><p>“The only demon in my life is you, and as of now, I’m rid of you. Jokes on you. Goodnight, Chuck.”</p><p>“You’ll be back,” Chuck shouted from behind the door that Castiel had slammed shut behind him.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>Castiel opened the front door of his home and then closed it gently behind him. He leaned against the door and let out a long sigh. The weight he had carried over his shoulders for a month had been lifted, finally. However, his heart was still heavy because of how things had been with Dean lately.</p><p>Poor Dean. He had weathered the storm of everything Castiel had done to him lately. He really didn’t deserve to be treated like that. He had found out that the money Nick embezzled belonged to some very bad people and that was not something he wanted to involve Dean in.</p><p>He walked into the lounge area with the aim of saving his relationship and that’s when he heard it- <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MHTdMJYTgY">the saddest music coming from the piano in the study</a>. Castiel walked to the entryway and hid behind the wall and watched Dean play it. There was a bottle of Macallan on the piano, a bandage on his right hand, and he kept wiping tears from his eyes. Something in Castiel broke, listening to it and seeing his boyfriend so melancholic. It evoked a sort of sorrow inside him that shattered his heart. He realized that the song was about them- the shit he had put Dean through for the past few weeks. Dean had stayed and tried to work things out, but Castiel hadn’t even tried at all. He’d been insensitive thinking that he was protecting him, but what he hadn’t realized until now was how his actions had impacted Dean. <em>Fuck.</em></p><p>Castiel had not realized that he had been crying until the song was over and Dean leaned on the piano and sobbed. Castiel threw his suit jacket and laptop bag on the floor and rushed to him. He knelt on the floor and hugged him.</p><p>“I’m so sorry Dean,” he said over and over again as both their bodies racked with sobs.</p><p>“Cas?” Dean whispered after what seemed like hours of Castiel holding him.</p><p>Castiel’s leg had cramped from where he had been kneeling uncomfortably on the floor, but he didn’t care because the poignancy of that melody had wrecked him. Seeing the man he loved hurt like that because of him made him realize he was everything Chuck had told him he was.</p><p>Dean turned around to face Castiel. Castiel detangled himself from Dean’s body. Dean stood up and helped Castiel up. Dean’s eyes were red-rimmed and he reeked of expensive whisky. Castiel looked at him and he saw the pain there. He felt the hole in his heart deepen and he clenched his jaw so hard he almost cracked his teeth.</p><p>“Dean, I’m so sorry,” Castiel whispered again. This time, Dean looked at him and his eyes had lost their golden specks, they were a forest green now. “I’m so sorry.”</p><p>“For what, Cas?” Dean croaked and started walking out of the room beelining for the stairs. Castiel followed him.</p><p>“For everything I’ve put you through this past month. I have been an insensitive prick,” he gulped. “What happened to your hand?”</p><p>“Nothing,” Dean sniffled and opened the door to the bedroom and walked into the walk-in closet.</p><p>“Dean, c’mon talk to me. I <em>am</em> trying here,” Castiel protested.</p><p>“Are you?” Dean was rummaging through his drawers picking his clothes and then he walked out of the closet and threw the clothes on the bed.</p><p>“Dean!” Castiel stopped him, pulling him by the arm. Dean stopped and then turned to look at him. His nostrils flaring in anger.</p><p>“Don’t touch me!” Dean snapped at him and removed Castiel’s hand from where it was holding his.</p><p>“No! Not until you look at me and talk to me!”</p><p>“Talk? Talk?! Really, Cas? I have tried to talk to you for weeks. I have waited for you, given you the benefit of the doubt, but I can’t do this anymore. <em>I</em> am done. <em>We</em> are done!”</p><p>“Dean, let me explain,” Cas pleaded. His heart was thudding so hard he thought it might leap out of his chest.</p><p>“Time for explaining is over. I have done nothing but love you and wait for you, but sometimes love just isn’t enough.” A sob racked through Dean. “I can’t keep letting men hurt me. No. Not anymore. I need to take charge of my life.”</p><p>“Dean, I know I hurt you, but trust me, I did it for us. I did it so we could be free and together, the way we should’ve been from the start.” Castiel tried to explain but Dean was having none of it. Castiel had loosened his grip on Dean’s arm which gave Dean the opportunity to get away from him. Once Dean was free, he reached for something in the pocket of his sweatpants.</p><p>“You call <em>this</em> doing it for us?” he glared at Castiel and threw a folded yellow envelope on the bed. Castiel was confused, a frown on his face. He looked at the envelope then at Dean, but Dean looked away and walked back into the closet.</p><p>Castiel opened the envelope and he almost choked on his tongue because of what he saw. There were photographs of him and Mick taken from a professional camera, he could tell from the quality of the photos, and they also seemed to have been taken from far away- the building adjacent to SBMC headquarters maybe?</p><p>In the photos, Mick was shirtless and leaning over Castiel's shoulder from where Castiel was seated on his office sofa, and it looked like Mick was kissing his ear. There were more of Mick taking off his shirt, putting on another one, and of them seated together laughing. His mind went blank, his mouth and throat dry, and his legs were jelly. He was afraid that his legs would give out beneath him so he sat slowly on the bed. Dean walked back into the room with a suitcase which he threw on the bed and started throwing his clothes inside.</p><p>“You had me followed?” Castiel accused standing up to Dean. “I can’t believe you would do this!”</p><p>“Really? You think I would spy on you? I mean between me trying to talk to you, working on my project, seeing my therapist, cooking for you... When would I have had time to spy on you, huh?” Dean fumed and glared at his boyfriend then shoved more clothes in his suitcase. “You cheat on me and now I’m the bad guy? Typical.”</p><p>“Dean, I didn't cheat on you," Castiel said, looking at Dean. Dean looked at him, shook his head, scoffed and then looked away. Castiel huffed and added, “but I need to know why you have those photos if you didn't spy on me."</p><p>“Because the <em>fucking</em> doorman gave them to me! That’s how the fuck I got them. Now leave me alone so I can finish packing!”</p><p>He had to ask the doorman where he got that package. It was bizarre, the whole situation was.</p><p>“Where are you going?”</p><p>“Home.”</p><p>“This is your home, Dean.”</p><p>“A home is with people who love you! Not people who cheat on you and take you for granted,” Dean’s voice sounded defeated now. He was trying to close his suitcase but it wouldn’t close. He punched it a few times in frustration and pushed it to the floor sending clothes scattering all over the floor and some on the bed. He kicked a few of them and then slumped on the bed defeated and sobbed</p><p>Castiel was standing on the opposite side of the bed watching Dean’s back as it wracked with sobs. He was aching to hold Dean. He wanted to hold him so badly so he crawled on the bed and knelt behind him and hugged him. Dean leaned his head on Castiel’s strong arms and kept sobbing. <em>Fuck.</em> Castiel realized that he loved this stubborn man and he wanted to shoot himself for making him suffer like this.</p><p>“Dean, I’m sorry for accusing you of spying on me I...,” Castiel choked out. “But I promise it’s...It’s not what it looks like.” He cleared his throat and kissed his hair. “I would never.”</p><p>“What do you mean it’s not what it looks like. Your ex is half-naked in your office, kissing your ear, but it’s not what it looks like? I mean you’re a photographer and a poet, you do know a picture is worth a thousand words, right? So how many words are those photos worth, Cas? How many? Because all I can see is one word. Cheating,” Dean ranted amidst sobs then detangled himself from Castiel and turned to look at him angrily.</p><p>“Dean, baby, listen. It’s not…” Castiel tried but Dean wouldn’t let him.</p><p>“Baby? Really? You haven’t called me that since we got back together. So what’s up with that? Guilty of something, Castiel?” Dean goaded him.</p><p>Castiel was hurt beyond comprehension because first of all, Dean didn’t believe him. He couldn't fault him for that because it was his fault that they were in this position. Secondly, the photos were way out of context, it literally wasn't what it looked like and lastly, Dean called him Castiel. Dean hadn’t called him that since the first day they met. This meant he was not just mad, he was absolutely furious.</p><p>“Dean, would you stop for a minute and listen!” Castiel shouted and stared at Dean. He was not going to let his boyfriend give up on them. Dean’s body tensed up and he turned to look at Castiel with fear in his eyes. Castiel regretted shouting at him but it was the only way Dean could listen to him. “Let’s go sit on the sofa and talk.” He looked at Dean one last time and got off the bed and walked towards the sofa in their bedroom. The view was breathtaking and it always seemed to calm Dean so he knew that would help him calm down a bit. Dean hesitated at first but the pleading look in Castiel’s eyes propelled him. He followed his boyfriend and they sat on opposite corners of the sofa as far from each other as possible. Dean was looking outside the glass door into the horizon. Castiel was looking at his five o’clock shadow.</p><p>“Are we just going to sit here? Say what you have to say or I walk,” Dean grumbled without turning to look at his boyfriend.</p><p>“Sorry,” Castiel cleared his throat and then placed the photos on the small table in front of him. Dean looked at them and then looked away again. “I swear on my life, Dean. This is not what it looks like.” He cleared his throat again pointing at the photos. Dean scoffed and shook his head in disbelief. “Yes, Mick and I were in my office. He was shirtless because he had poured whisky on his white shirt and it was stained, so he removed it and I gave him the extra one I kept in my office. That’s it.”</p><p>“Oh, I get it. So he was kissing you behind your ear as a platonic thank you like bros do? I get it. Can I go now?” Dean said sarcastically, but he still wouldn’t look at Castiel.</p><p>“No, not until you look at me and tell me you believe me,” Castiel said, softly. Dean turned and looked at him, his eyes cold.</p><p>“There, I looked at you. Happy now?”</p><p>“No. I’m not happy. I’m not happy that you feel betrayed. And the fact that you think I would cheat on you with Mick of all people? I mean he and I had a sort of relationship that was mostly sex, but do you think I would betray you and lose <em>this</em>, us, for sex? Seriously?”</p><p>“Well, you haven’t touched me or given me a proper kiss in a month, so I would venture as far as saying yes you would. I know I am not sexy anymore, my tummy is pudgy and you had to find someone who looks good. I mean I get it. Look at those taut muscles on the tiny dude,” Dean said honestly pointing at Mick’s body.</p><p>“Dean, we were just discussing work and he said what I was saying was too heavy and that he needed whisky. I poured him a glass and it spilled so I gave him my shirt. He was reaching to type something on the laptop which was on my lap. He wasn’t kissing me, it’s just how it appears because the angle is all wrong,” Castiel explained. He was tired, God was he tired. All he wanted was for things to go back to the way they used to be before all this.</p><p>“How can I trust you now when you’ve been keeping things from me all this time? How do I know you’re not just saying this because you have been caught?” Dean’s voice was softer now, shaky as if tears were threatening to spill.</p><p>“Dean, you know me. I have always been nothing but honest with you. If anything was going on between Mick and I, or anyone for that matter, then I would tell you.” Castiel scooted over to sit closer to Dean and took his hands into his. “I love you, Dean. You are all I want and all I need.”</p><p>“So then why have you been acting strange and having secret meetings with Mick?” Dean mumbled looking up at his boyfriend’s big blue eyes.</p><p>“Because it was about work. I was stressed trying to juggle photography and being CFO. I needed a lawyer to advise me on my options because I didn’t want to quit and then get sued.”</p><p>“And your lawyer is Mick?”</p><p>“Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about that. I didn’t think it was of import because I rarely need him. He has given me legal advice for as long as I can remember. I will get another lawyer. I should’ve realized that having him as my lawyer was bad.”</p><p>“No, it’s okay. So long as he’s not blowing you as client appreciation,” Dean quipped and Castiel laughed.</p><p>“No. He understands that you are <em>it</em> for me, Dean. He actually likes you and keeps asking when I’m going to introduce you to him.” Dean scrunched his nose and rolled his eyes. “I think he’s even dating someone. We don’t talk about it. So, will you stop being jealous and forgive me? I’m sorry for all this.”</p><p>“I forgive you. Just don’t keep things from me again.”</p><p>“Never,” Castiel smiled at him. “Speaking of which, I quit my job at SBMC. I’m finally free.”</p><p>“Oh my god, baby. I’m so proud of you. I know you hated it there, but are you okay?” Dean was concerned. “How did Chuck take it?”</p><p>“Don't worry about Chuck. He cut me off, but I'm ecstatic. What matters is that you and I are okay and I can spend more time with you. I’m sorry I made you feel like you’re not my main priority. I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too,” Dean hummed and kissed Castiel with fervor, he had missed this. “Ow. Ow.”</p><p>“Sorry,” Castiel apologized when he realized Dean was wincing from where he was squeezing his bandaged hand. “What happened to your hand?”</p><p>“Those photos happened. Don’t go into the bathroom.” Dean looked at him with pleading eyes. “We might need to replace a few things in there.”</p><p>“We should take you to the hospital,” Castiel cajoled.</p><p>“No. I’m fine. All I want right now is for you to kiss me like you mean it,” Dean cooed as he lunged forward and kissed his boyfriend.</p><p>It had been a while since they had done this, made love. So Castiel took it slow, making sure Dean knew that he was loved and adored. He kissed every inch of his beautiful body. He especially spent the most time on his stomach which Castiel thought was perfect and not pudgy at all. Then he left a trail of kisses ending it when he got to his puckered hole. He ate him out until Dean came with nothing but Castiel’s tongue fucking into him. And when he finally pushed into him, Dean didn’t care that his body was oversensitive from his orgasm a few minutes earlier. It was all too much - almost painful. He didn’t care about that though, all he wanted was Castiel inside him, the two of them connected in the most carnal way. He clung to him, asking him not to stop because he couldn’t get enough of his gorgeous boyfriend. When they both came, they held onto each other as if they were afraid that the other would leave. Then it hit Dean, he couldn’t be without Castiel, not for one moment and he had no other option but to marry the man.</p><p><br/>
➤➤➤</p><p><br/>
It was a lazy Saturday afternoon.  Dean was napping on the sofa and Castiel was working in the darkroom. They had decided to turn one of the bedrooms into a darkroom so he could work from home for his editorial photos. Dean had just gotten comfortable when he got a call from an unknown number.</p><p><br/>
“Hello?” he said groggily.</p><p><br/>
“Hey, Dean?” came a voice that sounded all too familiar but Dean could not place it. Foggy brain.</p><p><br/>
“Who is this? Sorry, I don’t have your number,” he apologized and yawned as he sat up on the sofa.</p><p><br/>
“It’s Lee,” came the voice from the other side and Dean almost dropped his phone as he stood up abruptly.</p><p><br/>
“Wha..why are you calling me? How did you get my number?”</p><p><br/>
“I’m sorry okay? I got your number from your workplace. I’ll explain the rest later but can we talk?”</p><p><br/>
“No.”</p><p><br/>
“Please,” Lee begged. “I hated how things turned out the other night and I just wanted to make amends.”</p><p><br/>
“Seriously? It’s been over a decade. I’m over it,” Dean snapped. He wished he could reach over the phone and choke the life out of this fucker.</p><p><br/>
“Please, Dean. I’m in Narcotics Anonymous and it’s part of my journey,” Lee said softly, his voice breaking. “I need this, please.”</p><p><br/>
Dean remembered the same thing happening with his dad, and how he had been determined to turn his life around. Lee was doing the same thing, and as much as Dean wanted to kill him with his bare hands, he couldn’t fault him for trying. So being the ever-loving and caring man that he was, he felt sorry for him.</p><p><br/>
“Can I think about it?” Dean said softly rubbing the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger.</p><p><br/>
“Yes of course. If you give me the chance you won’t regret this. I promise,” Lee said excitedly on the other end. Dean didn’t say anything back. He hung up immediately after.</p><p><br/>
He didn’t tell Castiel about the call. This was about him and he was allowed to keep some secrets to himself. If he was being honest with himself, he didn’t tell him about it because he knew Castiel would want to either kill Lee or accompany Dean, and this was something Dean needed to do for himself. He needed closure after all this time. Besides, he was not going to deny someone he had considered a brother for almost half of his life a chance at redemption.</p><p> </p><p>➤➤➤</p><p> </p><p>Dean took a sip of his coffee and tapped his leg on the floor nervously as he sat on the sofa in the waiting room of Mildred’s office. He checked the clock that seemed to be moving sluggishly slow as it struck five minutes past six. They were supposed to start their session five minutes ago and he was getting antsy. He was about to ask the receptionist what was taking too long when she told him Dr. Baker was ready to see him.</p><p><br/>
“Good evening, Dean,” she smiled fondly. She had the sweetest voice that always made Dean feel safe.</p><p><br/>
“Hey,” Dean smiled as he took a seat on his usual spot and sipped his coffee.</p><p><br/>
“Sorry, I was on a conference call that couldn’t wait. A client needed me, it was an emergency,” She explained, taking a seat on her chair and then opened her notebook. Dean hated that thing.</p><p><br/>
“It’s fine. I was worried you didn’t want to see me anymore,” Dean said plainly.</p><p><br/>
“We agreed that assumptions are dangerous, Dean,” she said as she turned the hourglass upside down starting their session.</p><p><br/>
Dean looked at her sheepishly and let out a sigh. “I’m sorry.”</p><p><br/>
“It’s okay. Changing habits takes time,” she smiled at him.</p><p><br/>
“I...uh...I’m thinking of proposing to Cas,” Dean blurted out. He was biting his bottom lip while playing with the coffee cup he was holding. He couldn’t meet Mildred’s eyes.<br/>
“Wow, that’s amazing!” She exclaimed. “I’m happy to see how far you’ve come, from denying you were queer to wanting to propose to your boyfriend. That’s progress.”</p><p><br/>
“Thanks,” Dean smiled at her shyly. “I’m not sure I should though. I’ve sorta been lying to him.”</p><p><br/>
“Okay, what about?” Mildred looked at him intently. Dean met her eyes and then looked away, he was ashamed.</p><p><br/>
“I...uh...It’s about Lee.”</p><p><br/>
“Your childhood friend?”</p><p><br/>
“Yes.”</p><p><br/>
“Okay. What about him?”</p><p><br/>
Dean chugged the remaining coffee and stood up. He walked towards the corner of the room and threw the container in the trash can. <em>How was he going to tell her? He couldn’t even admit it to himself and it made him feel disgusting. But if he had any hope of having a future with Castiel he needed to talk to her.</em></p><p><br/>
“I have been having dreams about him… They’re uh… sex dreams,” Dean said the last part so softly that he was afraid that Mildred hadn’t heard him.</p><p><br/>
“Okay? Are they violent in nature? Or how are they exactly?” Mildred wrote something in her notebook. Dean huffed and paced the room.</p><p><br/>
“They are violent sometimes and other times they are gentle and he’s kissing my neck and I keep begging him for more. I wake up hard, and I’ve been feeling so guilty about it,” Dean looked at her but she was stoic. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking.</p><p><br/>
“And what happens after you wake up?” she asked and wrote some more in her notebook.</p><p><br/>
“I..uh… At first, I was disgusted with myself and I would think of anything to make it go away. It worked at first, but it doesn’t work anymore. Sometimes I see him on top of me when Cas and I are intimate and the sex on those days is really good. But still, I feel disgusted afterwards. I also feel like I’m cheating on Cas, and it’s eating at me,” Dean ranted and there were tears in his eyes. “What kind of sicko romanticizes abuse?”</p><p><br/>
The truth was, on those days when he saw Lee’s face, no matter what position they were having sex in, Dean would ask Castiel to stop and he would turn over and get on his hands and knees, and then he would ask Castiel to fuck him as hard as he could. He couldn't bear to see Lee's light blue eyes through Castiel's beautiful eyes, that's why he chose that position. He couldn’t look at Castiel afterwards either. He liked it when it was happening-the feeling of Castiel fucking him hard, the burn after, made him feel better because it was like an atonement for having those dreams. It was his way of telling Castiel ‘sorry’, it was a punishment that he loved. However, after the high of his orgasm wore off and he came back to his senses, he would just go into the bathroom, run the shower, and cry.</p><p><br/>
When he went back to bed, Castiel would ask if he was okay but Dean would lie and say he was. Castiel knew he wasn’t and something was bothering him, but, being the amazing boyfriend that he was, he just held him and showered him with love. He never forced him to tell him what was going on. He knew when Dean was ready he would confide in him. It went on for two weeks until he couldn’t do it anymore. He knew he needed help.</p><p><br/>
“Dean, would you sit down please?” Mildred asked softly. Dean looked at her and walked back to the sofa and sat down. “Be honest with me, has anything happened lately? Anything to do with Lee?”</p><p><br/>
Dean huffed and contemplated lying but he needed those dreams to stop so he came clean.</p><p><br/>
“So, last month, I went to this bar just around the corner from our house and I ran into Lee there,” Dean said, clearing his throat. “We started talking and I confronted him about that night that he…” Dean trailed off and bit his lip then played with his fingers. “He said I wanted it because I kept saying please. So he...uh...he thought that I meant I wanted him to do it. He apologized for the miscommunication though so… I feel like maybe I had the facts wrong. Maybe he didn’t rape me, I was just drunk and so was he, and our line of communication was crossed,” He stuttered through it all as if he was ashamed and trying to convince himself he was remembering it all correctly. “I mean I was begging for it, right?”</p><p><br/>
“Dean, I don’t think you had the facts wrong the first time. Sometimes our minds alter things, especially to try and cope with traumatic experiences, and this is a classic case of that,” Mildred explained and handed Dean a box of tissues because he had tears running down his face. He hadn’t noticed.</p><p><br/>
“But maybe my mind altered things the first time,” Dean sniffled then blew his nose and dried his tears. “I mean maybe I couldn’t admit to myself that I cheated on Cas so I made things up.”</p><p><br/>
“Listen to me. The fact that you blacked out and then remembered some details later seeing him on top of you and you asking him to stop. He should’ve stopped. Whether you were into it at first doesn’t matter. What matters is that you asked him to stop and he didn’t. The fact that you blacked out could mean you were drugged because if that has never happened to you before then that’s rather peculiar don’t you think?” Mildred asked. Dean nodded. “I know it was about fifteen years ago and our memories are fickle but the fact that your body and mind shut down and you felt that you had been violated, then that’s what happened. Don't second guess yourself. Seeing Lee again and the things he said is what altered your memory to try and cope and reconcile the present and the past.”</p><p><br/>
“You think so?”</p><p><br/>
“I know so. But if you want, I could recommend that you for EMDR therapy to help you remember that night. It might help ease your mind.”</p><p><br/>
“What’s that?”</p><p><br/>
“It is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy. It is usually used for trauma victims, much like yourself, to help remember and heal from it.”</p><p><br/>
“No. I...No. It’s fine,” Dean sniffled.</p><p><br/>
“Alright then, but if you ever change your mind, I know a colleague who has had amazing breakthroughs with it,” Mildred said, smiling at him.</p><p><br/>
Dean shook his head then huffed, “He keeps calling me...saying he isn’t happy with how we left things at the bar and he wants to make amends.”</p><p><br/>
“Are you ready for that?” Mildred raised her eyebrows at Dean as if she wasn’t sure whether that was a good or bad idea.</p><p><br/>
“I need to move on, don’t I? But then again, I can’t tell Cas about it because he would stop me or, worse still, accompany me. All I know is that I need to get this whole ordeal behind me,” Dean reasoned. “I have to face my demons at some point and I don’t want to go to the next phase of my life with any baggage.”</p><p><br/>
“My job is not to tell you what to do but to help you navigate through your feelings. I know I have told you before that getting closure is good but at the end of the day, that’s your decision to make. I can’t make it for you,” Mildred told Dean in the most soothing voice she could muster. “I hope you understand that.”</p><p><br/>
“Yeah, I do,” Dean smiled at her. “I think I now have two major decisions to make.”</p><p><br/>
Mildred closed the notebook and peered at Dean who was biting his bottom lip, worrying. She wished she could make the decisions for him but it was his journey. She only hoped that he would make the right choices.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you need to talk, kindly send me a DM on Tumblr.</p><p>Feedback and comments are always appreciated.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dean faces his past. Sam, Dean &amp; Cas visit family. Dean and Cas make life altering decisions.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TRIGGER WARNING.</p><p>▪MENTIONS OF PAST SEXUAL ABUSE</p><p>Light Angst and Fluff</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>“Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own savior. Standing on my own two feet.“ - Adele</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Castiel had just flown to LA for a new project, so Dean knew he was safe and that he wouldn’t have to worry about someone interrupting him. He had agreed to meet with Lee at the bar where they had met a few weeks ago. Dean chose a seat in a dimly lit corner where no one would see him.</p><p>It didn’t take long before Lee joined him where he sat across from him. They said an awkward hi to each other, and Dean wanted to be anywhere but here. He had agreed to do this, so, unfortunately, he had to see it through. Neither of them knew what to say to each other so they just sat there. Looking at each other. Lee seemed nervous, but Dean just sat there staring at Lee, his face void of any emotion. He wished things were different between them because sometimes he missed his friend, and he sometimes wondered whether their lives would’ve turned out differently if Lee hadn’t turned out to be the kind of person who hurt his best friend in the vilest way.</p><p>“Thanks for meeting me,” Lee smiled at Dean and ordered a round of beers for both of them. Dean declined the offer and Lee flinched.</p><p>“I...uh...I don’t even know why I’m here,” Dean stuttered, looking around the bar. The place was crowded enough, so he knew he was somewhat safe. There was safety in numbers, right? But he could not let his guard down even for a second so he stayed alert. “So what did you want to talk about?”</p><p>“Straight to business I see,” Lee laughed nervously and fumbled with the sticker on his beer bottle. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry that things turned out the way they did between us… I wish we were still friends.”</p><p>Dean rolled his eyes and huffed. <em>This guy was unbelievable. He wished they were still friends? How could he be friends with someone who hurt him when he was at his most vulnerable and couldn’t defend himself?</em> He wanted to grab that beer bottle from his hands, break it and jam one of the pieces in Lee’s neck, and watch the life leave his eyes. Instead, he looked down, took a few calming breaths and stayed put.</p><p><em>The audacity of this motherfucker</em>, Dean thought as his head shot up. “Friends? Lee you fucking… You know what you did. I don’t even know what I’m doing here,” Dean huffed in frustration, and when he turned to look at Lee, whose eyes were wet.</p><p>“I’m so sorry, Dean,” he sniffled. “You are- were my best friend in the whole world, and I fucked it up.”</p><p>“Yeah. You did. At least tell me why you did it. I need to know even if it kills me. I deserve to know,” Dean demanded, his voice breaking. He was back there in that bed with Lee towering over him, strong hands holding his thighs, spreading his legs, fingers pushing…</p><p>He squeezed his eyes shut, shrunk in on himself, and tried to will the memory away. Lee being right in front of him definitely didn’t help with the situation. He put his hands in his sweatshirt pocket and tapped his leg on the floor. What was he doing? He felt disgusted by himself just being here, but he’d promised himself he wouldn’t be a coward years ago. He had to face his problems head-on because he needed to move on. So he ignored his shaking body and willed himself to be there and present.</p><p>Lee swallowed hard and looked up at Dean, eyes still brimming with tears with some of them spilling over. “I was drunk. I wasn’t thinking.”</p><p>“Wow. That’s your excuse? Because I have been drunk with plenty of men before and none of them have ever done that to me,” Dean’s voice rose and his nostrils flared. “That’s it?”</p><p>“Dean,” Lee said, defeated. “I’m ashamed okay? I realize now that I...” he stopped to figure out what he was going to say next.” I took something from you and I lost your friendship. I figured if I told you how I felt you wouldn’t want me. So I just thought...” Lee trailed off as he realized he was only making it worse.</p><p>“You thought raping me was better than you telling me and me maybe rejecting you? Did you ever think that at some point, just maybe, I might’ve felt the same way?” Dean asked, glaring at Lee. His eyes were brimming with tears and he couldn’t see clearly, but he didn’t care. Lee tried to hand him a napkin but Dean disregarded the gesture. Instead, he grabbed his own napkin, leaned back in his seat, blew his nose then wiped his tears.</p><p>“I knew you were in love with Castiel, and I didn’t know what else to do, okay? Everyone on the team was doing it with girls okay? I thought it was okay,” Lee tried to defend himself.</p><p>“So that’s your defense? Everyone was doing it, so <em>of course</em>, it was fine and you could do it too?”</p><p>“Yes. No… I mean, I thought that since you weren’t aware of what <em>actually</em> happened, I could tell you that things happened, and you would forget about Castiel and be with me.”</p><p>“What the actual fuck, Lee?Do you even hear yourself? Instead of trying to protect those girls from those assholes, you thought you could use the same tactic on me. Seriously?” Dean asked leaning forward. He looked at Lee, really looked at him, and all he saw was a lost little boy. He felt sorry for him, in the sense that he was so broken he thought hurting Dean was the only way he could ever be with him, but his sympathy stopped there, and it in no way made Dean any less nauseous.</p><p>“But then you remembered,” Lee continued, as if Dean hadn’t just called him out on his horrible logic. “And I didn’t know what to do but make up a story that you were the one who was asking for it.” His voice was shaky and he was staring past Dean, his eyes void of any emotion. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and blinked, wiping his eyes with his hand.</p><p>“I could’ve died!” Dean hissed. He wasn’t falling for Lee’s little act of remorse. He was the one who got hurt, the one who had to carry the scars for the rest of his life. “Those drugs you used, what were they? Do you even know? What if it was something toxic? Huh? What then?”</p><p>“I’m sorry okay? I loved you and you were with someone else,” Lee said dejectedly. He went to say something else but stopped and something dark overcame his face. His next words were practically spat out, “You didn’t even tell me about it. I had to rely on what I heard those nights in France. You told Gordon.<em> Gordon.</em> But no. Not me.”</p><p>“It’s because I could trust G. He’s the most loyal friend I have ever had.”</p><p>“He came between us,” Lee was desperate now. He clenched his fist in frustration.</p><p>“No, he didn’t. You just thought so because you were selfish. Did you know I had a crush on him? I told him one day while we were drunk. Do you know what he did to me? Nothing. He didn’t force himself on me. I was just as vulnerable and he could’ve taken advantage of me, but he didn’t. Instead, he gave me a big hug and told me he was flattered but he didn’t swing that way. And that’s what sets him apart from you,” Dean scoffed and shook his head. “It’s funny, because you, Lee. <em>You</em> were my best friend. You should’ve taken care of me. You weren’t supposed to cross that line, especially when I was in that vulnerable state, but you did! But with G, he told me that how I felt didn’t affect our friendship, and, if I needed time away from him, he would understand. That’s the kind of man he is,” Dean retorted. God he wished he could scream, but that would definitely attract attention which is something he was trying to avoid. Also, the topic was a rather sensitive one, so he managed to keep his emotions in check.</p><p>“See? You wanted to bang everyone but me!” Lee countered and looked at Dean with barely concealed rage.</p><p>“Not that it <em>was</em> or <em>is</em> any of your business but I never banged anyone before Cas. And he’s the only man who I have ever been with that way," Dean told him, jabbing a finger on the table. He looked up at Lee and said, "Let me ask you this, would you still be my friend if I hadn't remembered? Would you have kept that secret all your life? Seeing me every day, knowing what you did? Carrying it around?” Dean asked. He actually wanted to know.</p><p>“I… I don’t know. All I know is that we’re here now and that I'm sorry,” Lee sniffled and chugged his beer before opening the other bottle. “I was in love with you, and honestly, even after all these years, I still am. I just couldn't live with the guilt anymore.”</p><p>“Well that sucks, and while I’m flattered, I’m spoken for,” Dean sneered and leaned back again on his seat. He was thirsty but he couldn’t drink here, not now. He would do so as soon as he got home.</p><p>“So, even after all these years you still chose him?” Lee asked.</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“Castiel.”</p><p>“Obviously.”</p><p>“Does he know?”</p><p>“Yes, he knows all about what you and what you did. And you can bet your ass that he feels guilty that he wasn’t there to protect me from you. That’s the kind of man <em>he</em> is. So yeah, of course, I chose him,” Dean rambled on but he stopped and ruefully smiled. “I lost him because I thought I was too disgusting and broken for him to love after what you did. We lost a decade of our lives and happiness because of what you did. You destroyed part of our lives, Lee.”</p><p>“I’m glad you found your way back to each other,” Lee smiled regretfully. “Maybe you and I could’ve had a chance if I didn’t…” Lee trailed off and sipped his beer and looked at Dean with regret written all over his face.</p><p>“Yeah, maybe. But we will never know now will we?” Dean asked.</p><p>“No. But I need you to know, for all it’s worth. I’m sorry,” Lee said, looking Dean right in the eyes. “I will spend the rest of my life trying to make amends.”</p><p>“It’s okay. I’ve made my peace with it. But you know what, the fact that it was you who hurt me like that wounded me in more ways than one. But now I’m in a better place, so I wish you all the best Lee.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Lee smiled at Dean.</p><p>They fell into an awkward silence. Dean was looking anywhere but at Lee, and Lee was looking at Dean wishing he could touch him. He still loved him and having him here in front of him, so close yet oh so far, was torture.</p><p>“Okay, I’m going to go now. I have other plans,” Dean lied as he stood up and Lee stood up with him. The truth was, the only plans Dean had were to take a long bath and maybe binge-watch Desperate Housewives.</p><p>“Have fun, and Dean, just know that I’m grateful to you for giving me this opportunity,” Lee said, reaching to hug Dean. Dean hesitated at first but he returned the hug. “I still love you,” Lee whispered as he hugged Dean tightly. Dean immediately let go of him as if he had touched fire.</p><p>“Goodnight, Lee,” Dean flatly said as he walked away.</p><p>“Goodnight Dean,” Lee whispered after him.</p><p> </p><p>➧➧➧</p><p>Dean still had to go to work during the week, so he and Castiel only had weekends together, but they made every minute they could spare count. Although Castiel was home more he spent most of his days working in his darkroom, and they were trying hard to get back to how things used to be between them before. Dean had a feeling things were only going to get better.</p><p>Although he was still stressed out about keeping the encounters with Lee from his boyfriend, at least the dreams he used to have about him had stopped after this last encounter. He had gotten some closure, but something in his mind nagged him. He felt like there were still some loose ends that needed to be tied up between them.</p><p>They were having dinner when Dean got a call that among all the shortlisted candidates for the Engineer’s Guild award his project had been voted the best by over seventy percent of the votes.</p><p>The award ceremony would be in Washington DC during the first week of October. Castiel was so excited for him you would think that he was the one who had won the award. That was one of the little things that Dean loved about him, he always wanted to see him succeed. It always warmed Dean’s heart.</p><p>For the award ceremony, Castiel chartered a private jet to fly Dean and himself to Washington. He no longer had access to the family jet because he was cut off from the family. Honestly, he didn’t mind being cut off all that much because he was happier now being free of his family. Dean protested saying that they could just take a regular plane, but Castiel told him, “Only the best for my boyfriend,” which of course made Dean’s heart melt. The grin on his gorgeous face made Castiel realize that he was the luckiest man alive. Seeing Dean happy made him happy.</p><p>The event was fast-paced, closer to rushed than anything, and there was no room for speeches from the winners, but Dean was happy nonetheless. They left the ceremony shortly after Dean had received his award and went to dinner.</p><p>Castiel had reserved a table for them at an upscale restaurant that was warm and inviting. They had a wine cellar, and Dean had quite the time trying to choose the perfect bottle because everything looked so good. Castiel got him a few bottles of whatever he wanted for their wine collection back in New York. Castiel also gave Dean a Rolex to congratulate him with a note that said,<em> Every Engineer needs a timeless timepiece. How else will they get inspired to achieve greater things?</em> Dean laughed and called Castiel a sap, but he vowed never to take it off.</p><p>When they were done with dinner, they strolled around the city engrossed in each other more than their surroundings. Afterward, they went back to their hotel suite and took a warm relaxing bath together where they made out until their lips were swollen. When they went to bed, Castiel asked Dean to sit on his face and he ate him out until Dean had the most mind-blowing orgasm yet. They made love the entire night getting only two hours of sleep.</p><p>Dean’s friends and coworkers hadn’t attended the event because it was a workday and as much as Castiel would've loved them there with them, he was happy to spend some quality time with his amazing boyfriend. When they got back, their friends held a small party at Jody and Donna's to congratulate Dean.</p><p>Later that night after their friends’ party, Castiel posted a photo of Dean looking dashing in his tuxedo and congratulated him for his award. Lately, his following had grown to one million over the months but the moment he posted Dean’s photo, it practically doubled. Dean had said it was okay for him to post it but not to tag him yet, so when Castiel got calls to do a feature on their relationship, he talked to Dean about it. Castiel was sure his following would grow even more and he wasn’t sure he was okay with their lives being scrutinized by strangers, but Dean had insisted that it would mean more job opportunities for his growing photography career.</p><p>“There’s this person who keeps calling me asking to buy that portrait of you. I’ve told him I’m not selling but he keeps insisting,” Castiel said. He was seated on a kitchen stool in their kitchen as he waited for Dean to join him. He sipped his steaming cup of tea then placed it on the marble countertop when it slightly burned his tongue.</p><p>“Why are you making it sound so morbid. He’s not the first person who has asked to buy it,” Dean replied as he checked to see if the cookies he had left on the cooling rack had cooled down.</p><p>“Yeah, I know. He gave me the creeps for some reason, so I blocked his number,” Castiel said, shaking his head and then let out a long sigh. He picked up his tea mug and blew in it a few times before taking a sip from it. “I mean I'm never selling that portrait. You looked so beautiful.”</p><p>“You always think I look beautiful. I still can’t believe I let you use it as part of your show,” Dean looked at Castiel as he waited for the coffee machine to finish its job.</p><p>“I don’t <em>think</em> you are beautiful, you just <em>are</em>. I’m glad you let me use it though. At least now you know I don’t lie when I say you are beautiful. Everyone agrees with me.”</p><p>“I hate when people say that to me. My dad made me feel like I was less of a man for it,” Dean huffed and turned around to pour coffee in his cup and put the cookies on a plate.</p><p>Castiel gave him a small smile but he didn’t say anything for a while. Talking about their parents or Lee was almost taboo and it always brought the mood down. To lighten the current mood, Castiel decided to share some good news.</p><p>“So, I’ve gotten a few calls from various magazines and also from Pamela at <em>Good Morning New York</em>. She still wants to be the first one to do an interview with us. Also, my followers keep asking who you are,” Castiel said, sipping his herbal tea. Dean brought him a plate of cookies and sat next to him sipping his coffee.</p><p>“Wow. I’ve never been interviewed before,” Dean said silently. “Should we do it?”</p><p>“The interviews? Castiel asked.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“I’m not sure, Dean. I mean being a public figure could ruin our lives.”</p><p>“I think we could take it in stride. I just think this will be good for your photography career.”</p><p>“Career? Is it now?”</p><p>“I mean c'mon. You keep saying how you need to keep busy. This could be your chance to do more of what you love. It could be an opportunity for you to publish your amazing poetry as well. If it means I have to put myself out there, so be it.”</p><p>“Okay, slow down cowboy,” Castiel laughed. “I mean you have a point. This could be good for my career. But are you okay with coming out to the world?”</p><p>“I’m not actively trying to stay in the closet. At least not anymore,” he laughed. “These interviews are the best time to just rip the bandaid off and just fully come out. Besides,” he said, walking his fingers on Castiel’s thigh then stopped when Castiel took his fingers and kissed them, his blue eyes never leaving Dean’s face, “this way we can control the narrative. We can share as much or as little as we like with the world. I'm sick of being afraid of the future and just living in fear in general. I want everyone to know how much I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too, Dean.”</p><p>“Besides, all our friends and family know already and they support us so...”</p><p>“You make a valid point.”</p><p>“So you’ll do them?” Dean asked. He couldn’t hide the excitement in his voice and the way his eyes glimmered made Castiel’s heart swell. He would do anything for Dean if it meant he would be this happy all the time.</p><p>“Yes,” Castiel smiled and kissed Dean like his life depended on it, "And I think I know the perfect magazine for it."</p><p> </p><p>➧➧➧</p><p> </p><p>“I was thinking we could go visit uncle Bobby sometime soon,” Dean said as he jogged alongside Sam one evening.</p><p>“Yeah?” Sam asked as he slowed down his pace and jogged on the spot so Dean could catch up with him.</p><p>“He called and said he moved to Montana, so I was thinking we could head out the weekend before Halloween and help him out a bit.”</p><p>“Yeah, that would be great. Get out of the city and inhale some fresh air,” Sam breathed out as he stretched and Dean followed suit.</p><p>“I can bring Cas and you can bring Sarah, and they can all finally meet our surrogate dad,” Dean laughed and stretched his legs.</p><p>“Yeah that would be great, but Sarah is in Italy right now and won’t be back until some time in November.” Sam looked away and stretched some more.</p><p>“Oh, everything okay?” Dean was concerned. Something seemed off.</p><p>“Yeah, everything's fine,” Sam smiled unconvincingly at him. “Race you back to the house? Loser has to wash the dishes after Sunday dinner.”</p><p>“Deal,” Dean accepted the challenge and started running because he knew that Sam would win this race anyway but it was a fun way to get his brother out of his funk.</p><p> </p><p>➧➧➧</p><p> </p><p>They arrived in Montana a little bit after five in the afternoon on the Friday the week before Halloween. Bobby was waiting for them at the airport. This time, Dean had convinced Castiel to fly commercial and he wasn’t amused. He had grumbled the whole journey about how there wasn’t enough space for him to stretch his legs and that the air conditioning wasn’t working.</p><p>“C’mere you <em>idjits</em>,” Bobby hugged Sam and Dean all at once and they stayed that way for a while. Castiel choked up seeing how much Bobby loved them. They had no one else but him and he loved them as if they were his own.</p><p>“And this is my boyfriend, Cas,” Dean gushed as soon as Bobby let go of them.</p><p>Castiel walked towards Bobby and stretched out his hand for a handshake.</p><p>“No son, any boyfriend of Dean is family, c’mere,” Bobby said grumpily and crushed Castiel with a big hug. Bobby wasn’t what Castiel had expected. They had talked on the phone over fifteen years ago, and he had assumed he was shorter and rounder, but he was almost as tall as Dean and sturdy save for a beer belly that was coming on. But being that he was in his sixties now and retired, it was bound to happen.</p><p>“Okay, get in the truck so we can head home. I have a feast prepared,” Bobby said as he got behind the wheel. Sam sat next to him upfront because he needed space for his extremely long legs while Dean and Castiel sat holding hands and sharing smiles in the back of the truck.</p><p>Bobby’s house was an old rustic English country-style home. The house was tucked in a forest of cottonwood trees with a mountain view of the Madison Range from the front door. The doors and windows were painted red and the inside was warm and cozy. He showed the boys their respective rooms with Dean and Castiel sharing. Castiel had thought that they would get separate rooms but Bobby didn’t seem to mind. By the time they set their bags in their respective rooms and freshened up, it was time for dinner.</p><p>“This tastes amazing uncle Bobby,” Sam said between a mouthful of steak and potatoes.</p><p>“We agreed that you should never talk with your mouth full.” Bobby disapproved of Sam’s unbecoming behavior.</p><p>“Sorry, it’s just that I haven’t had a decent home-cooked meal in a while because that guy moved out and now my girlfriend is in Europe,” Sam whined after swallowing his food.</p><p>“Have you ever thought about learning how to cook?” Dean asked as he sat back and watched Castiel look between Bobby and Sam. “Oh but wait, you don’t know how to cook because you eat rabbit food which barely needs cooking.”</p><p>“Shut up!” Sam shouted and threw peas at Dean.</p><p>“Are they always like this around you? Because I have never seen them act like this,” Castiel laughed.</p><p>“The things these two have put me through. I think they just want my attention.” Bobby shook his head and watched as the two brothers made a mess of everything. He wasn’t mad because it had been years since they had been all together like this, and he didn’t realize how much he had missed them until now.</p><p>After they had cleared the dining table, cleaned, and packed the leftovers, they all sat by the fireplace sipping beers. Sam excused himself shortly after to go call Sarah but never came back down, so the three men settled at the lounge area watching the fire crackle and traditional folk music playing from somewhere in the background.</p><p>“I’m so happy for you two,” Bobby drawled. “I never thought I would live to see the day this <em>idjit</em> got his shit together.” He ruffled Dean's hair and Dean shrugged him off playfully.</p><p>“I had no choice but to be with him, he’s amazing,” Castiel gushed and you could almost see the hearts in his eyes.</p><p>“Well, you made me grovel so you could forgive me,” Dean laughed, looking at Castiel who had the biggest grin on his face, his nose crinkling in that way that Dean found adorable. “It took years to admit to myself that I still loved you.”</p><p>“I’m glad you got your head out of your ass,” Bobby said pointing to Dean. “I remember your boyfriend begging me on the phone asking me why you didn’t want to talk to him. It was torture. Why didn’t you want to talk to him?”</p><p>Dean and Castiel fidgeted uncomfortably in their seats and Dean shrugged. “I don’t know. I think I was scared dad would find out and he would’ve killed me,” Dean said knowing that it was not the whole truth, only part of it. Castiel understood why he had to lie. “Besides, I didn’t want you to get in trouble with him. You know how he was.”</p><p>“I’m touched that you were trying to protect me, but son, you know I would have protected you and that giant brother of yours with my life if it came down to it,” Bobby sipped his beer. “But I understand, he was still your old man and I’m proud of you for respecting him like that.</p><p>“Yeah, “ Dean said quietly.</p><p>“So, what should we start unpacking tomorrow?” Castiel asked to change the direction of the conversation. He could tell that Dean was getting anxious.</p><p>“I’ve done most of the unpacking. I didn’t have much, so maybe a few things in the kitchen and the garage,” Bobby said.</p><p>“You should’ve waited for us. You’re not as young as you used to be,” Dean reprimanded.</p><p>“Who are you calling old, boy?” Dean gawked at him. “I’m still strong.”</p><p>“I know that. It’s just that we are here for you. All three of us,” Dean said softly.</p><p>“Yeah,” Castiel reiterated.</p><p>“If I waited for you I’d be waiting all my life,” Bobby laughed. Dean and Castiel joined in.</p><p>“I’m sorry we don’t visit more often,” Dean apologized sincerely.</p><p>“It’s okay. I know work and new relationships are demanding. I’m just happy you’re all doing well,” Bobby smiled and sipped his beer.</p><p>They talked a little while longer, mostly catching up on what had been going on in their lives until Dean realized Castiel was yawning and rubbing his eyes.</p><p>“Okay, I think it’s time I took you to bed, Mister. You need to sleep,” Dean stood up, took Castiel’s bottle out of his hand, and helped him up. “Goodnight uncle Bobby, we’ll see you in the morning.”</p><p>“Yeah. Heads up, this house has thin walls, so careful with what you two do up there,” Bobby grumbled and poked the fire. Dean laughed and shook his head. He had missed Bobby.</p><p>Castiel fell asleep as soon as Dean tucked him in. Dean watched him sleep with his mouth slightly open and producing the cutest sounds like a kitten purring. It was adorable so Dean kissed his cheek and nuzzled his nose against his stubble. Castiel mumbled something and smiled. Dean stopped nuzzling him and he prepared for bed thinking about the days ahead.</p><p>They had decided to do their exclusive interview with <em>People Magazine</em>. They had figured that they would have control of what got out there unlike on TV where anything could happen. Their interview was scheduled for December and it would be out the first week of January. It was still a month away but it was jarring to think that his life would be out there for people to judge and critique. He decided to enjoy these little private moments he had with his family while he could, so he shoved all that at the back of his mind and got in bed beside his boyfriend. At this moment, he was happy and content.</p><p>Then his phone rang, so he went into the bathroom to pick it up so as not to wake up Castiel.</p><p>“Hello?” Dean said quietly. There was no answer. “Hello?” he asked again, a little louder this time, peeking through the door to see if he had woken his boyfriend up. Thankfully, he was still sleeping, but there was still no answer. He could hear someone breathing on the other end. “You know I can hear you breathing right?” Dean tried one last time but before he could say anything else, the call disconnected. He looked at his phone not sure what had happened. He tried to call back but the number was no longer in service. <em>That wasn’t weird at all</em>, he thought sarcastically while walking back to the bedroom. He got in bed next to his boyfriend who turned and wrapped his arms tightly around Dean. He fell asleep shortly after.</p><p>In the morning, Castiel found his boyfriend watching a pond that was visible from the dining room window, he was sitting there and watching a moose and deer drink from it while some ducks swam in. The pond reminded Dean of that dream he used to have of a blue-eyed man rescuing him from the tumbling tower. Now, he was living his happily ever after.</p><p>“Let’s live by the water,” Dean said as Castiel handed him a cup of steaming hot coffee and hugged him from behind.</p><p>“Anything you want, Dean,” Castiel kissed his hair and hugged him tighter. “I love you so much.”</p><p>“I love you too babe,” Dean replied and turned around to look at Castiel. “Wanna go back to bed and show me how much you love me?”</p><p>“As much as I would love that, I promised Sam that I would help him organize some boxes that need to be unpacked after he got back from his run,” Castiel kissed him. “And you, sir, have a tractor to fix.”</p><p>“Ugh, I wish I could have you all to myself,” Dean grumbled and then sipped his coffee. “ Promise you’ll show me how much you love me later?”</p><p>“You know I will,” Castiel smirked and kissed Dean’s warm lips that tasted like coffee then he left to join Sam in the basement.</p><p>Bobby had not bought horses yet, he was still trying to settle into his new life. But he did have chickens which Dean helped him feed. After that, they tried to repair an old tractor that was in the barn.</p><p>Later in the evening, Sam and Dean went to town to get supplies for supper since it was their last evening here. They would be leaving the next afternoon because they all had to work on Monday, save for Castiel</p><p>“So, how’s Dean doing?” Bobby asked. He had asked Castiel to accompany him on an evening stroll while the other two were out.</p><p>“He’s okay. Did he say he wasn’t?” Castiel asked, worriedly. He worried Dean was unhappy with him especially after everything he had put him through a few months ago. He always worried about these things.</p><p>“No. I just worry about him,” Bobby sighed and bent down to pick a stick. Birds chirped around them and Castiel thought he saw a dear. He wished he had brought his camera with him, but he had something important to talk to Bobby about and didn’t want to be distracted. “You know he had a hard time when his old man died, and I thought we’d lose him for a moment there. Luckily, we got through to him and he started therapy. That’s why I asked.”</p><p>Castiel was confused. This was honestly news to him because he assumed Dean had started therapy because of Lee. He didn't want to ask because he didn’t want to accidentally bring up something that Dean wouldn’t want to be shared and that would raise more questions for both sides. Dean never talked about his father much, he was kind of a taboo subject in their house, which is why Castiel didn’t know that his death had triggered Dean to seek therapy. <em>But what did Bobby mean he thought they would lose him?</em> He didn’t ask and figured Dean would talk to him about it whenever he was ready.</p><p>“At first some days were harder than others but, he’s doing so much better now. When he feels the need to see his therapist more times than usual, he does so, but he is doing really well,” Castiel reiterated.</p><p>“That’s good. Because I’d hate for either of my boys to leave this world before me. I couldn’t live with myself,” Bobby huffed and threw the stick.</p><p>“Thank you for looking out for them both. They turned out great,” Castiel smiled at Bobby. “Mostly.”</p><p>“Yeah. They have hard heads, but they’re not so bad,” Bobby laughed.</p><p>They walked slowly in silence until they came to a stream that had the clearest water Castiel had ever seen. He remembered what Dean had said when he had found him looking at the pond earlier that day.</p><p>“Dean said he wants to live by the water,” Castiel smiled fondly as he picked a pebble and threw it in the water.</p><p>“Y'all thinking of moving to the West Coast?” Bobby asked, turning to look at Castiel who was bent over picking more pebbles.</p><p>“God no,” Castiel laughed. “We’ve been thinking of buying or building a home somewhere in New York away from the city to raise a family.”</p><p>“That’s a big step,” Bobby said with a serious look on his face and adjusted his baseball cap.</p><p>“Yeah and that’s why I want to ask your blessing to marry him,” Castiel said so fast that he didn’t realize he had been holding his breath until he was finished talking and he exhaled.</p><p>“Oh, son,” Bobby laughed heartily, Castiel hadn’t seen him like this for the few hours he had known him. Dean and Sam also said he rarely laughed so he must be laughing at him right? “A few things have brought me joy in this life, and one of them was the day I asked my late wife Karen to marry me and she said yes,” Bobby continued. “After she died I thought I would never be as happy as that day, but this is damn near close.”</p><p>“Does this mean I have your permission?” Castiel stuttered. He didn’t know what he was feeling, but his brain was moving a mile a second.</p><p>“Of course you have my blessing, Dean’s always been so happy with you,” Bobby patted Castiel on the back.</p><p>“Really?” Castiel was shocked, to say the least.</p><p>“What did you expect?” Bobby frowned.</p><p>“I thought you’d give me a hard time about it.”</p><p>“I know love when I see it and that’s all I see when I look at you both. I can’t stop you. Just know Dean is a hard-headed <em>idjit</em>.”</p><p>“That I know and I love him for it.”</p><p>“Atta boy. You catch on fast,” Bobby patted him one more time on the back. “Besides, I don’t think anyone else can handle his stubborn ass.”</p><p>They both laughed and nodded in unison.</p><p> </p><p>They walked around the property for a while, and Castiel saw all sorts of animals and birds. It was beautiful, to say the least. He should talk to Dean about getting a place here so they could be closer to Bobby even if only during holidays. They went back to the house when the sun started going down to find Sam and Dean in the kitchen preparing dinner.</p><p>They had dinner and stayed up late trading embarrassing childhood stories. When they went to bed, Castiel showed Dean how much he loved in the most intimate way. Watching Dean fall apart beneath him was the most beautiful thing Castiel had ever seen, and he wished they could stay like that forever.</p><p>The next day, Sam and Castiel helped Bobby with a few more boxes that needed unpacking while Dean fed the chickens and finished fixing the tractor with Bobby. The tractor needed a new carburetor which Bobby said he’d get and fix.</p><p>“Are you sure you’re okay?” Bobby asked Sam as they were having brunch before he drove to the airport.</p><p>“Yeah I’m fine, I just miss Sarah is all,” Sam said with a small smile.</p><p>“I can’t wait to meet her. She seems special,” Bobby tried to cheer him up.</p><p>“She is,” Sam said quietly and ate his food in silence thereafter.</p><p>Castiel had tried to pry when they were unpacking, but Sam didn’t divulge anything.</p><p>After brunch, they helped clean up and prepared themselves to leave. They took a photo for the memory of being in this beautiful place, albeit for a weekend, but they promised to be back for a longer stay. Bobby drove them to the airport and before he left he called Castiel to the side and told him, “Please take care of my boys, both of them.” It was at that moment, Castiel knew that, although his father was alive, he had just found the one man he would always go to for fatherly advice.</p><p> </p><p>➧➧➧</p><p> </p><p>Dean had spent the entire day cooking with Castiel as his sous-chef. Their guests started arriving at around noon and the couple gave them a tour of their new place. Everyone gushed about the breathtaking view and how spacious it was. By the time they were done with the house tour, the food was ready so they all sat down to eat.</p><p>“Dean, this looks delicious, thank you,” Jody thanked him as she passed the mashed potatoes to Balthazar who was seated next to her.</p><p>“Well thank you. But, I have to say that without my sous-chef and emotional support angel over here you would be eating KFC right now,” Dean laughed.</p><p>“Cassie can cook now?” Balthazar asked while sipping his wine.</p><p>“Well, he peeled the potatoes and helped stuff the turkey, chilled the wine, massaged my shoulders when I was freaking out, and steamed the vegetables,” Dean recounted how helpful Castiel was. Castiel smiled at him and started carving the turkey.</p><p>“The food is amazing, Cas,” Charlie chimed in and Castiel winked at her.</p><p>They ate and chatted amongst themselves getting to know Balthazar since they had never met him before. After their meal, they decided to sit in the living room for coffee and pie.</p><p>“So, what are y’all grateful for?” Donna asked with a chuckle as she helped herself to a third slice of pie. “Let’s start with you, Sarah.”</p><p>“I am grateful for Sam. He’s a giant nerd with so much love to give, and I’m so glad I met him. I love you baby,” Sarah smiled her beautiful brown eyes looking lovingly at Sam. Awws were heard throughout the room as everyone watched the two lovebirds. Sam smiled back at her and kissed her on the cheek from where they were sitting on the loveseat.</p><p>“I‘m grateful for you too, babe. You’re so beautiful and smart and I don’t deserve you,” Sam said. “But, I’m happy that you chose to be with me nevertheless,” he kissed her and everyone cheered him on with awws and claps. “Also, not to undermine what I just said, but this year the thing I'm most grateful for is my brother moving out.” This got a couple of laughs from the group. “I was going crazy with all the sex you two horny assholes were having. It is disturbing and disgusting that I know how you both look naked.” Sam shuddered and now everyone was rolling with laughter.</p><p>Once the room was settled, Jody was next. “I’m grateful for you all. You’re my family, and knowing you and knowing we’re a family makes me feel whole,” she said tears brimming in her eyes.</p><p>“We love you too,” came from around the room and everyone smiled.</p><p>“I am grateful for Cassie because, without him, I wouldn’t have met you wonderful people. I love you already unless any of you here loves the movie Titanic or Celine Dion then I take it back.”</p><p>“Hey, I love Celine Dion,” Donna said defensively. “What did she do to you anyway?”</p><p>“She just rubs me off the wrong way. Her voice is just arghh,” Balthazar gagged and everyone laughed. “But I will make an exception for you because you have a beautiful smile.”</p><p>Oohs echoed around them and Balthazar winked.</p><p>“Get a room you two,” Charlie laughed.</p><p>“Maybe later,” Donna winked at Balthazar and everyone laughed again. This was a fun night.</p><p>“I am grateful for this. For all this. These past few years have been the best years of my life and I couldn’t ask for anything more at this very moment. If I died right now, I would die a happy man,” Dean said, holding his hand to his chest with the most serious but also the softest look on his face.</p><p>“You are not dying. I forbid it. Not until you give me those two babies you promised,” Castiel laughed. “I can’t live without you.”</p><p>“Wait, y’all are having kids?” Donna chimed in.</p><p>“<em>Shit</em>, I shouldn’t have said anything,” Castiel muttered under his breath. “Someday, but not now anyway.”</p><p>“I can’t wait to be an uncle,” Sam said with a smile</p><p>“Me either. Can’t wait to see little Cassies and Deans running around,” Balthazar added.</p><p>“Our kids are not coming anywhere near you Zar. The things you say and do, no one should ever have to hear them, let alone kids,” Castiel laughed.</p><p>“But I will be the fun uncle. Sam can be the boring nerdy uncle,” Balthazar pouted.</p><p>“Hey, I can be fun,” Sam defended himself.</p><p>“Calm down. We are not having kids right now. Sometime in the near future, maybe, just not right this moment,” Dean calmed the future uncles to be down before the future aunties joined in. “Babe, it’s your turn.” He said to Castiel who was seated next to him on the arm of the couch.</p><p>“I am grateful for this. This is all I have ever wanted. One big happy family, and thanks to you Dean, I have it. I love you. I love all of you,” Castiel gushed.</p><p>“We love you too,” Everyone chorused and Castiel smiled sipping his coffee.</p><p>“I’m grateful for you too, slackers! You are my family and I love you,” Charlie grinned. “Besides I know you mostly love me for my hacking skills, so don’t say it back.”</p><p>“We love you, Charlie,” everyone shouted and laughed.</p><p>“But it's true, you wouldn’t be here if not for your expert hacking skills,” Dean simpered. “Love you.” Charlie winked at Dean and blew him a kiss. Dean caught it and shoved it in his jacket pocket.</p><p>Things were going great and everyone was happy.</p><p>Everyone was talking and laughing when Balthazar and Dean excused themselves.</p><p>“What do you think those two are up to?” Sarah asked, looking at the pair leaving the room.</p><p>“Who knows? Probably exchanging recipes,” Jody replied which got everyone to laugh.</p><p>“That tracks,” Charlie chimed in and they laughed again.</p><p>A few minutes later, Dean and Balthazar came back into the room and they sat down in their earlier positions. Castiel placed his hand on his boyfriend’s shoulders which had a lot of tension so he rubbed them gently but it didn’t seem to work. <em>What the hell was going on?</em></p><p>“Dean, why don't you tell Cassie what you just told me,” Balthazar smirked.</p><p>“Now?” Dean asked, raising his eyebrows. Castiel removed his hands from Dean’s shoulders and leaned down to ask what was going on but Dean didn’t say anything.</p><p>“Yes.” Balthazar smiled at him.</p><p>Dean let out a sigh and stood up. Everyone was looking at him with confusion, not quite understanding what was going on.</p><p>“So...I uh...shit,” Dean muttered. “I'm afraid I might botch this.”</p><p>“No. You're doing amazing sweetie. C'mon. You can do it,” Balthazar encouraged. Dean didn't have it in him to roll his eyes at Balthazar calling him sweetie because he was shaking.</p><p>“Okay, what’s happening right now? I'm confused.” Charlie was looking between Dean and Balthazar, but no one said anything.</p><p>“Dean, whatever it is, you can tell me. I won't be mad or angry. I promise,” Castiel soothed him.</p><p>“I know babe. It's just,” Dean laughed nervously, and looked around the room. “Phew. Here it comes." Dean looked up at Castiel and his eyes went all soft. Castiel stared at him in that confused manner of his- head tilted, eyes squinted. Balthazar was smiling so hard. This was weird.</p><p>Dean took a deep breath and once he was calm, he cleared his throat, took Castiel’s hand, and helped him stand. He looked him in the eye and something about those big blue eyes calmed him and said, “You know, it’s funny how one day you’re living life, or what you think is your best life, oblivious of what the future holds. And then boom! You meet someone and that person becomes your whole world. You ask yourself, how did I live without him all this time? How was I even happy? You cannot remember life before him because it doesn't make sense. You don't remember life without him because you weren't living. There's only after. After you met him, that’s when your life began. You know?”</p><p>“Yes, I feel exactly that way about you, Dean,” Castiel smiled at him.</p><p>Dean’s heart leaped for joy, opposingly his legs felt like jelly, but it was now or never. He got down on one knee and he heard gasps around them, but somehow everything disappeared and it was just him and Castiel in that moment “To truly love another person is to accept that the work of loving them is worth the pain of losing them. I know now that I don’t want to live in this world without you, not a single day of my life. I...I love you, sweetheart. I love you so much sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure it’s real.”</p><p>More gasps and shrieks came from around the room, but Dean didn’t care. It was now or never. Balthazar handed Dean a small black box. He opened it with nimble fingers and looked up at Castiel who looked like he was about to faint any moment now. The gasps and shocked sounds that came from around the room sounded like white noise to Dean, all he saw was Castiel. “Cas...Castiel will you marry me?”</p><p>Castiel’s eyes were glistening with tears. He looked at Dean and then at their friends and he bolted from the room. Everyone was confused and Dean’s heart hit the floor, his mouth hanging open from the shock of it all. He had fucked up epically, and he wished at that moment the floor would open and swallow him. He couldn’t dare look at their friends because he had never felt so ashamed in his life. He thought Castiel loved him enough to at least fake a yes and get mad at him later. He shouldn’t have proposed in front of their friends. <em>Fuck!</em></p><p>“Only if you will,” Castiel’s voice came from behind him. Dean didn’t even get up, he spun around on his bended knee to face Castiel who was also down on his knee with a small red box open, a gorgeous silver ring inside.</p><p>“Cas?” is all Dean managed to say.</p><p>“Will you marry me, Dean Henry Winchester?” Castiel sniffled.</p><p>“I asked you first,” Dean laughed amidst tears of joy and relief that he had not botched his proposal.</p><p>“Of course I will marry you!” Castiel exclaimed.</p><p>“Then yes! Yes!” Dean shouted, getting up from the floor and helping Castiel up. They kissed as their friends whistled and shouted and clapped. It was chaotic, but the couple was oblivious to it all because they were lost in each other.</p><p>The sounds in the room started coming back and their friends were shouting congratulations and champagne flutes were being passed around, glasses clinking.</p><p>“Oh my God! You’re getting married!” Charlie shrieked and all Dean could do was nod his head and wipe the tears streaming down his face, then showed off his ring around the room. Castiel was doing the same.</p><p>“Wait, if you had a ring, did you know Dean was going to propose?” Sam asked once the frenzy had died down a bit and they were all settled in their seats again.</p><p>“No. I’ve had this ring since January. I’ve wanted to ask for so long, but I didn’t want him to feel like I was pinning him in a corner or scare him off.” Castiel said. “I wanted to make sure he was ready for that.”</p><p>Dean just stood next to Castiel admiring his ring and putting it against the light and watching it glimmer.</p><p>Sam smiled at him and shook his head. He was happy for his brother and proud of him because he had never thought Dean would ever settle down.</p><p>“So when <em>exactly</em> were you going to propose?” Sam inquired.</p><p>“I honestly don’t know. I was scared that if I ever did he’d say no,” Castiel laughed. “Him asking me first caught me off guard. I had a whole speech and poem prepared, and I was going to ask for your permission too.”</p><p>“You know you have my permission, you two belong together,” Sam said with the biggest smile on his face.</p><p>“You can give your speech at the wedding,” Dean laughed and kissed him with so much fervor.</p><p>“Okay kids, I think it’s time we left,” Jody laughed. “I think these two lovebirds need some alone time if you catch my drift.”</p><p>“Congratulations guys,” Balthazar said. “I’m so proud of you both.”</p><p>Everyone joined in in congratulating them again and bid them goodnight.</p><p>After everyone had left, Dean and Castiel cleaned up, changed into their pajamas then decided to relax in the living room in front of the fireplace with a cup of tea. They cozied close to each other and a warm blanket was so full and too happy to do much of anything else.</p><p>“For a moment there I thought you had run out on me. I almost died from shame right there,” Dean laughed and then sipped his tea. Honestly, he hated tea, but his palate was adapting to it because of Castiel.</p><p>“I’d never say no to you, I was just lost for words, and the only thing I could do was get on one knee as well,” Castiel smiled at him and he held his tea mug between his hands, the fire burning quietly in the fireplace. “How did you pull it off anyway?”</p><p>“Well, I spoke to Zar, who was very helpful by the way, and I wanted to make a whole spectacle of it somewhere fancy, but being with our friends and family today just felt like the perfect moment.”</p><p>“It was. I love you,” Castiel kissed Dean’s cheek and looked at Dean’s ring then his. “I can’t believe we’re getting married.”</p><p>“Me either. I can’t wait to call you my husband,” Dean whispered in Castiel’s ear and they both chuckled then went to look at their rings again. “I love you, Cas, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too,” Castiel smiled at Dean.</p><p>“Can I hear that poem you wrote for me?”</p><p>“We agreed it’s to be deferred to our wedding day.”</p><p>“Fine, but don’t ask me to play something for you again.”</p><p>“It’s like that?”</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>“Tell you what, why don’t you join me at the piano and I’ll sing to you instead.”</p><p>“You’ve never sung to me before,” Dean said, amused by this sudden change of heart from Castiel.</p><p>“Only because I have the worst singing voice.”</p><p>“I doubt that.” Dean smiled at his fiancé. They got up from the comfortable sofa and to where the piano stood. Dean sat next to Castiel at the piano and watched his fiancé take out his phone and hit play on his playlist. Castiel didn’t say anything, instead, he started playing and singing and Dean’s mind was blown because he had expected Castiel to play him some classical composition. Instead, he played a sappy <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfxTsn3fvqw">r&amp;b song.</a></p><p>Dean did not say anything as he listened to Castiel’s gravelly voice. He was trying to hit the high notes as the song hit a crescendo and was failing miserably but Dean could not stop grinning ear to ear, his heart overflowing with love he thought it might burst. He watched Castiel's beautiful skilled hands play the song for him and he thought of the many ways those hands had touched every inch of his body, even in the hidden places that he didn’t know existed. He smiled and sipped his tea wondering how he ever got so lucky, his heart fuller than it had ever been.</p>
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